Episode 24, Part 1: Doug Pumps Up

Doug and Skeeter were loitering outside of Raccoon Records in the 4-leaf Clover Mall when Doug noticed Patti was having some trouble with a couple of bags. He excused himself from Skeeter and offered to help her. She gladly dumped the heavy bags into his hands, which he could barely hold. He jokingly asked if she bought barbells, and she replied, "yeah." As he struggled to get a good grip on the bags, Beebe and Connie walked up and dumped their bags into his arms also.

Under the weight of it all, Doug dropped everything and fell on his ass.

I don't think I'd shop at a store called "Punt & Grunt." Anyway, this is how the episode begins; with Doug humiliating himself in public in front of Patti.

After the girls are long gone, realizing Doug isn't much help in the "carrying things for 3 women" department, Skeeter notices a cardboard cutout of Ronald Weisenheimer. He is Arnold Schwarzenegger. The cutout informs the kids that he'll be in town as a judge for the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. Doug has a great fantasy here.

...dissolves into...

According to this fantasy, if Doug works out like Ronald Weisenheimer, he will double in height and speak with an Austrian accent. He helps out the three girls and the fantasy ends. It is enough to convince Doug to sign up for the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. He gets in line behind Roger's goons. Chalky is sitting at the desk helping people sign up, and when he sees Doug is next, he yells, "next," assuming Doug wasn't there to sign up. Doug points out that he's next and Chalky laughs at him. Dick.

So Doug assumes that the test is in 4 or 5 weeks, and he'll have plenty of time to train. Skeeter tells him the test is the day after tomorrow. Doug either doesn't know what day, or even month, it is, or he didn't bother to check the date when he signed up. This might also be Chalky's fault. As the guy recruiting people for the test, he should make sure all the necessary information is given to them. Given that he laughed at Doug, he might've just saved his breath thinking it might be better if Doug didn't show up and embarrass himself.

With the test so soon, there's only one man Doug can go to for help.

Mr. Dink has the Lazy Guy Workout System. It's great! Very expensive. First he puts Doug on a treadmill with a changing background. He still has to walk, so I'm not sure how this is part of the Lazy Guy Workout System. The next part is for the real lazy guy.

Pull-ups are easy when you stand on a platform that moves you up and down. However, when that platform breaks and starts going double-speed, problems arise.

Yeah, his arms are stuck like that, in spite of the fact that he was holding the bar the other way and not really using them for anything other than maybe balance. Apparently it was quite a workout though. Doug can't even lift the newspaper anymore.

The results of this non-workout with Mr. Dink are, at best, entirely in Doug's mind.

After this, Doug goes to the school gym where Chalky and others are working out.

Before he picked up those weights, Chalky came over and told him to start slow. He suggested that little red weight at Doug's feet. Don't strain yourself. Doug calls the weight "dinky" and puts it down as soon as Chalky walks away. He goes back to ignoring good advice, and has a fantasy in the process. A really weird, fantastic fantasy.

Doug is apparently a contestant on a show called Mr. Dumbell. The camera pans across 3 or 4 bodybuilders while an announcer talks about the tough competition. Then it stops on Doug.

Pretty standard Doug fantasy. If he's not the worst at something, he's the best at it. Oh, and then it gets weird.

I just don't even know what to say about this.

After the fantasy, Doug loses his balance and drops the weights. One of them crushes his foot and Chalky takes him to the nurse. With his foot all bandaged up, he won't be able to do the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. Unless he just does something that doesn't require your feet.

The kid that couldn't pick up the newspaper earlier is now fully able to pull himself up a rope. He thinks that with a little practice he could be as good as those guys on Bloatsburg Gladiators.

Bloatsburg Gladiators is a more awesome, dangerous version of American Gladiators. You can't see it in that picture, but someone at the top poured butter down Doug's rope to make him slip, and the ropes are above an alligator pit with huge spikes. Seriously. I'd watch that show. Fuck that nerf version we were all obsessed with back in the early 90's.

At the end of the fantasy, Doug is at the top of the rope.

Somehow he wasn't hindered by his overly-detailed fantasy about being on tv, yet again. However, his celebration causes his grip to slip and he slides all the way to the bottom.

Now with both hands bandaged up with serious rope burns, Doug really is out of the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. Turns out Patti is too.

She pulled a muscle trying to carry those bags by herself. Doug thinks this is stupid because she could still do the running part. She's worried she'll look goofy. Because Patti has always been so vain. Doug convinces her to do the running, and laments the fact that all he's good for with two fucked up hands and a fucked up foot is sitting. And that leads him to the sit-up competition.

By the way, this is a really strange fitness test. Doug never really explained what it was, but apparently it's just different fitness exercises, and instead of just displaying that you can competently do the exercises (like the presidential fitness tests), you are in direct competition with whoever else is trying that exercise. To think that Ronald Weisenheimer would travel to Bluffington for a middle school track meet...

Anyway, Doug starts doing sit-ups while Patti starts the race around the track. Kids are dropping out of the sit-ups competition left and right, but Chalky and Doug keep going. Patti wins the race after they've already done a few hundred sit-ups. Chalky finally gives up at 500, and Patti comes over and gives Doug the slightest bit of encouragement so he'll be able to do 501 sit-ups. He beat Chalky and set a new school record.

And so Doug redeemed himself in public. In front of Patti. He may have weak arms, but he can do more sit-ups than that stupid jerk Chalky. Shouldn't have laughed at him, Chalky.

Doug's fantasies here are clearly more about the typical, weird body issues kids his age might deal with. He doesn't really want to be a bodybuilder tv and movie star. He'll settle for being just a tv and movie star, thanks.

Also, if you didn't see it earlier today...

I made a stupid facebook page for this shit

I don't know how much any of you want this, but it seems like an easy way to follow this stupid blog, since I'm sure my long ass posts can either get lost in your dashboard or are just annoying in your dashboard (because they are long ass posts). So I made this page, and I'm likely just going to post reminders right after I post updates because I don't want to clog up your facebook news feed with a bunch of bullshit.

Episode 23, Part 2: Doug Meets RoboBone

This episode begins with Doug casually mentioning that he had been elected student activity chair-person. He’s throwing some sort of rally in the school gym to try to get The Beets to play a free show at the school. It’s not for a radio competition or anything. Doug made a lot of crazy promises during the campaign, and he’s trying to live up to them. I guess.

I’m actually kind of annoyed that he didn’t think it was worth sharing the details of the election. Assuming he wasn’t the only one that ran for the office of student activity chair-person, I’d like to see how much anxiety Doug would get from an election, and how unfounded all of that anxiety was because he was just running against the kid that pulls his pants all the way down when he pees at the urinal. You know that kid I’m talking about. Doug’s school has to have that guy, but I’m sure Nickelodeon frowned on the idea of a character whose defining characteristic was that he pulls his pants down to the floor to take a piss. I bet that’s who Doug beat in the election, and I would’ve loved to see him worry that his classmates would like that guy more than him. Oh well. Anyway!

So Doug is having everyone sign a giant letter to The Beets. Skeeter asks if this will really work, and Doug responds, “of course it will,” with a whole bunch of confidence he has never displayed before. After Elvis and Panko have signed it, you might as well let the dog sign it.

After a few days without hearing a response, Doug’s class seems a little hopeless. It may seem hard to believe, but maybe The Beats don’t have time to play a free show for a bunch of kids, what with all the touring and recording.

Oh, but they totally have the time for it. Mr. Bone enters the room with a letter addressed to the student activities chair-person. The Beets are coming!

The whole class pulls out wigs, even Ms. Wingo, and dances around to celebrate! How absurd! For Doug’s next big act as student activities chair-person, he’s going to organize a field trip to the Louvre, and then if there’s time, the moon.

But not so fast! Mr. Bone does not approve! He doesn’t like The Beets. He says if they’d chosen a more wholesome group like The Bluffington Yodelers, he’d allow it. The Bluffington Yodelers is, of course, his band. After a brief argument, Mr. Bone repeats “the subject is closed” several times and leaves.

After school, Chalky is making fun of Mr. Bone, saying he’s like a robot.
"THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED! THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED! THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED!"

Like a good artist, Doug rips off Chalky’s basic idea and creates the new Quailman villain, RoboBone!

So this fantasy/comic book starts with the mayor dedicating the newly renamed Quailgym. Before Quailman’s speech is over, RoboBone’s spaceship lands and they take over the school.

Absolutely no resistance is given. The entire school immediately gives up and submits to the alien robot’s authority.

Almost immediately, Patty and Connie are given detention for not having hall passes. Skeeter gets it because his pants don't fit the new school dress code.

Also, detention is now a forcefield in the middle of the soccer field.

And so Quailman and Quaildog retreat to the Thicket of Solitude to think about solutions to the RoboBone problem.

After drawing the extremely important pictures of RoboBone on the chalkboard, Quaildog uses the erasers and accidentally stirs up some dust, making both of them cough. Quailman says, “Cough. Cough? That’s it, Quaildog! You’re a genius!” He’s channeling Adam West’s Batman here. Quaildog nods in agreement and shows off a bicep.

They fly over to the school where RoboBone gives them detention for flying too low. Quailman rips up the detention slip and they pull out the secret weapons!

They clap them together causing a big chalk-dust cloud, assuming it would “clog up their internal computer chips.” The robots simply open their chests and use their vacuums to suck up all the dust. Even worse, they were prepared for exactly this attack.

This works much better on the good guys.

Totally defeated. And now everyone is locked in detention. FOREVER!

Now RoboBone and his roboclones unleash their worst attack. They begin yodeling! The kids cover their ears and scream in horror. Quailman suggests they at least yodel in the same key. They think it’s some sort of trick, but try it anyway.

All the kids love the yodeling now that they are all singing together, and Quailman sneakily pushes the button on RoboBone's chest that turns off the detention forcefield.

RoboBone goes on to have a very successful music career.

They also get the cover of Rolling Bone magazine, which is either a parody of Rolling Stone, or some sort of terrifying porno magazine. They have a successful world tour.

For which Quailman takes a bow and all the credit.

After the fantasy, Doug says, “Quailman bargained with RoboBone! There’s got to be some way I can bargain with Mr. Bone!”

Inspired by his own writing, yet still as if it is someone else’s idea, Doug convinces Mr. Bone to allow the concert by allowing The Bluffington Yodelers to be the opening act.

All is well. Actually, The Beets were inspired by The Bluffington Yodelers and added a bit of yodeling to their song “I Need More Allowance!”

And because Doug’s stories are never complete until Porkchop does something impossible, this happens.

Porkchop rolled that out on stage, plugged in the guitar, and scared the shit out of Mr. Bone. Doug and Skeeter laugh. Because fuck The Beets. I don’t care if the biggest band on the planet is playing at my school right this moment, that dog is wearing a wig and playing guitar!

And so Doug is just a very popular politician. I don’t know if The Beets concert was a campaign promise, but if it was, well done.

I have to wonder if his Quailman comics are an encouraged form of therapy from a doctor that he’ll never mention to us/his journal. His comics are the only time where his fantasies actually help him with a problem. Usually his fantasies are related to mild panic attacks or delusions of grandeur, but the comics are like a directed thought process that allows him to recognize what he needs to do to solve his current problem.

That is, of course, assuming this whole story wasn't a Doug fantasy. Can we just go ahead and assume that if Doug isn't the most popular kid in school from now on, that he made up this whole story about getting The Beets to play a free show at the school?

Episode 23, Part 1: Doug on the Trail

It's time for another adventure with the Bluffscouts!

"Dear Journal,
Last weekend, I got to go on the Bluffscout canoe trip."

So, Doug didn't think to write this down the minute he got home? Or while he was camping? Seems like a good time to write.

Also, the episode starts with them paddling to the shore and unpacking their canoes. Doug decided to tell us all about his canoe trip right after the canoing was over. Anyway, they're unpacking and Scoutmaster Dink is checking off a list to make sure they have everything. This is usually the kind of thing you'd do before you left, but then I'm not a fan of the "we forgot something important? Oh well, fuck it" method of camping. Two very important items, which Doug decides to handle together are the official Bluffscout pepper mill, and the official Bluffscout navigation computer.

You know how pepper mills can be sort of crazy. Occasionally they'll just shoot a bunch of pepper in your face, causing you to sneeze and...

This can't be good.

Shit. Roger makes a joke about it and Scoutmaster Dink hands Doug a handkerchief saying, "I didn't know you were allergic to computers."

Without the official Bluffscout navigation computer, they are screwed. Scoutmaster Dink decides he must go back and get the spare computer and he leaves the senior Bluffscout in charge. Who is the senior Bluffscout?

Wait, Roger has been a Bluffscout longer than anyone else? Seriously?

Roger assigns everyone jobs. Someone is assigned to keep the flies off him. Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop are assigned to dig up his fishing bait.

Something delightful happens here that could only happen in the mind of Doug Funnie. Porkchop struggles with a worm.

Yeah, Porkchop lost that struggle. And to add insult to injury, the worm sticks out its tongue at Porkchop before squirming back into the ground. I'm sure this totally happened.

After several hours with no sign of Scoutmaster Dink, Doug and Skeeter start to worry he might've gotten lost. Doug has a fantasy about what might've happened.

So they go to Roger to ask for permission to go look for Scoutmaster Dink. They are denied permission, and are actually threatened with demotions if they go. They will be demoted down to Tendertoes! Oh my!

Naturally, they decide to say "fuck it" and go searching anyway. But first, some disguises!

Look carefully? Can you even see Doug and Skeeter through their amazing disguises? Also, I love that Porkchop has destroyed a birds' nest with hatching eggs in it for his shitty disguise. I'm sure this happened too.

Before they get to the canoes, they are stopped by Roger's three goons. The goons say they aren't allowed to take a canoe...unless they were going to go searching for Scoutmaster Dink.

They obviously discarded their disguises after that. What happened to the birds' nest? That nest was ruined for nothing.

So now that they're officially a search party, they discuss how to go about finding Scoutmaster Dink. Skeeter has his doubts.

Doug: "We'll just use our Bluffscout wilderness knowledge."
Skeeter: "Like what, Doug?"
Doug: "Well, like how moss always grows on the North side of trees."
Skeeter: "YEAH! And how to keep your cereal crunchy, even in milk!"

Look, Skeeter. If you aren't going to be any help, at least keep your fucking mouth shut.

There's a terrific fantasy here, with an amazing song played by Porkchop on the banjo about how Doug Funnie is a mountain man! Yes!

Doug clearly realized after Skeeter's cereal comment that any mountain man status would be ascribed to himself and not Skeeter.

After the fantasy, they start looking for tracks on the bank of the river. They find moose tracks and maybe deer tracks and then Doug finally points out the Dink tracks.

If Scoutmaster Dink puts up signs like this all over the place, tracking him should be easy.

They follow the footprints until they lose the trail. Skeeter, finally deciding to be helpful, points out that if they had something of Dink's, Porkchop could pick up the scent and follow that. They lament the fact that they don't have anything to use for this purpose.

Oh, but Porkchop figured it out. He noticed the handkerchief in Doug's pocket. There's a moment where Doug completely ignores Porkchop so he can think. Porkchop has to pull on his shorts and whine to get his fucking attention so they can get to the point. I'm also sure that this totally happened.

They follow the scent to a cave where Skeeter utters this horrifying line.
"Look! It's Scoutmaster Dink's official Bluffscout pants!"
Then they hear a loud roar in the cave and get scared.

Up a tree!

While in the tree they start to mourn the loss of Scoutmaster Dink. Clearly, the bear has already mauled him to death. No doubt about it. They talk about how he was the greatest Scoutmaster ever, and how Mr. Dink was their best adult friend. Then Dink chimes in.

Yeah, he's just a few branches up from them. Oh, and he's naked. So what's his story? Why is he naked? Why, if he's in a tree near the cave, didn't he warn Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop that they were about to enter a bear cave? Did he think this was some hide and seek game? They could've been killed.

"Well, without the computer I got a bit off course. Then I got the boat to shore, but my clothes were soaked, so I laid them out to dry. And when I came back, I saw a bear and ran for my life and...here I am."

Really, Scoutmaster Dink? You got a bit off course in a river? How are you a Scoutmaster? What happened to using a compass? And let me get this straight: your clothes were soaked, so you took them off...all of them...then you wandered off for a bit? I don't want to know what's really going on here, and neither do you.
Up in the tree, they tell Scoutmaster Dink what Roger's been up to, so it's time to return to camp. How are things working out for them? Well, Roger's been chased up a tree as well.

Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, and Scoutmaster Dink return just in time. They are quickly informed that Roger has consumed all of the food. No problem for Dink. He just pulls out the phone he managed to keep from the bear.

Oh right, he's still wearing the underwear made of leaves. This doesn't seem to concern anyone. With the phone he orders 18 pizzas for everyone except Roger!

Not Pictured: Enough people to consume 18 pizzas. Also, with his pants in the bear cave, and presumably with his wallet in those pants, I'm not sure how he plans on paying for 18 pizzas. If you're wondering how they're even going to deliver 18 pizzas to the woods, I've got you covered.

Best pizza place ever. You can order 18 pizzas and give a vague description of your surroundings and they'll get that pizza to you. You better believe that.

And so the Bluffscouts end their night, being served pizza by Roger. I guess it is his punishment for being such a dick.

And so, Journal, that is how Dink lost his pants on the Bluffscouts canoe trip and that's all that happened! THE END! -Doug.

Right? I mean...this is by far the most suspicious tale of Doug's.