Episode 23, Part 2: Doug Meets RoboBone

This episode begins with Doug casually mentioning that he had been elected student activity chair-person. He’s throwing some sort of rally in the school gym to try to get The Beets to play a free show at the school. It’s not for a radio competition or anything. Doug made a lot of crazy promises during the campaign, and he’s trying to live up to them. I guess.

I’m actually kind of annoyed that he didn’t think it was worth sharing the details of the election. Assuming he wasn’t the only one that ran for the office of student activity chair-person, I’d like to see how much anxiety Doug would get from an election, and how unfounded all of that anxiety was because he was just running against the kid that pulls his pants all the way down when he pees at the urinal. You know that kid I’m talking about. Doug’s school has to have that guy, but I’m sure Nickelodeon frowned on the idea of a character whose defining characteristic was that he pulls his pants down to the floor to take a piss. I bet that’s who Doug beat in the election, and I would’ve loved to see him worry that his classmates would like that guy more than him. Oh well. Anyway!

So Doug is having everyone sign a giant letter to The Beets. Skeeter asks if this will really work, and Doug responds, “of course it will,” with a whole bunch of confidence he has never displayed before. After Elvis and Panko have signed it, you might as well let the dog sign it.

After a few days without hearing a response, Doug’s class seems a little hopeless. It may seem hard to believe, but maybe The Beats don’t have time to play a free show for a bunch of kids, what with all the touring and recording.

Oh, but they totally have the time for it. Mr. Bone enters the room with a letter addressed to the student activities chair-person. The Beets are coming!

The whole class pulls out wigs, even Ms. Wingo, and dances around to celebrate! How absurd! For Doug’s next big act as student activities chair-person, he’s going to organize a field trip to the Louvre, and then if there’s time, the moon.

But not so fast! Mr. Bone does not approve! He doesn’t like The Beets. He says if they’d chosen a more wholesome group like The Bluffington Yodelers, he’d allow it. The Bluffington Yodelers is, of course, his band. After a brief argument, Mr. Bone repeats “the subject is closed” several times and leaves.

After school, Chalky is making fun of Mr. Bone, saying he’s like a robot.
"THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED! THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED! THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED!"

Like a good artist, Doug rips off Chalky’s basic idea and creates the new Quailman villain, RoboBone!

So this fantasy/comic book starts with the mayor dedicating the newly renamed Quailgym. Before Quailman’s speech is over, RoboBone’s spaceship lands and they take over the school.

Absolutely no resistance is given. The entire school immediately gives up and submits to the alien robot’s authority.

Almost immediately, Patty and Connie are given detention for not having hall passes. Skeeter gets it because his pants don't fit the new school dress code.

Also, detention is now a forcefield in the middle of the soccer field.

And so Quailman and Quaildog retreat to the Thicket of Solitude to think about solutions to the RoboBone problem.

After drawing the extremely important pictures of RoboBone on the chalkboard, Quaildog uses the erasers and accidentally stirs up some dust, making both of them cough. Quailman says, “Cough. Cough? That’s it, Quaildog! You’re a genius!” He’s channeling Adam West’s Batman here. Quaildog nods in agreement and shows off a bicep.

They fly over to the school where RoboBone gives them detention for flying too low. Quailman rips up the detention slip and they pull out the secret weapons!

They clap them together causing a big chalk-dust cloud, assuming it would “clog up their internal computer chips.” The robots simply open their chests and use their vacuums to suck up all the dust. Even worse, they were prepared for exactly this attack.

This works much better on the good guys.

Totally defeated. And now everyone is locked in detention. FOREVER!

Now RoboBone and his roboclones unleash their worst attack. They begin yodeling! The kids cover their ears and scream in horror. Quailman suggests they at least yodel in the same key. They think it’s some sort of trick, but try it anyway.

All the kids love the yodeling now that they are all singing together, and Quailman sneakily pushes the button on RoboBone's chest that turns off the detention forcefield.

RoboBone goes on to have a very successful music career.

They also get the cover of Rolling Bone magazine, which is either a parody of Rolling Stone, or some sort of terrifying porno magazine. They have a successful world tour.

For which Quailman takes a bow and all the credit.

After the fantasy, Doug says, “Quailman bargained with RoboBone! There’s got to be some way I can bargain with Mr. Bone!”

Inspired by his own writing, yet still as if it is someone else’s idea, Doug convinces Mr. Bone to allow the concert by allowing The Bluffington Yodelers to be the opening act.

All is well. Actually, The Beets were inspired by The Bluffington Yodelers and added a bit of yodeling to their song “I Need More Allowance!”

And because Doug’s stories are never complete until Porkchop does something impossible, this happens.

Porkchop rolled that out on stage, plugged in the guitar, and scared the shit out of Mr. Bone. Doug and Skeeter laugh. Because fuck The Beets. I don’t care if the biggest band on the planet is playing at my school right this moment, that dog is wearing a wig and playing guitar!

And so Doug is just a very popular politician. I don’t know if The Beets concert was a campaign promise, but if it was, well done.

I have to wonder if his Quailman comics are an encouraged form of therapy from a doctor that he’ll never mention to us/his journal. His comics are the only time where his fantasies actually help him with a problem. Usually his fantasies are related to mild panic attacks or delusions of grandeur, but the comics are like a directed thought process that allows him to recognize what he needs to do to solve his current problem.

That is, of course, assuming this whole story wasn't a Doug fantasy. Can we just go ahead and assume that if Doug isn't the most popular kid in school from now on, that he made up this whole story about getting The Beets to play a free show at the school?