Doug is excited about something finally happening. His best friend from Bloatsburg is moving to Bluffington. He says this as if it was an inevitability. Like, when Doug moved his friend was like, "I'll be along shortly. I just have to convince my parents to find new jobs in Bluffington and then we'll be able to hang out again."
Anyway, Doug is rummaging through his trunk for a photo-album so he can show Skeeter a picture of Bobby Bodingo. Doug then has a fantasy as he tells Skeeter about all the fun times they had together.
Here they are reading an issue of Man O Steel Man together. Good times.
Doug says they were best friends. Skeeter feels his position is threatened and inquires further. Doug reassures him that Bobby was his old best friend, Skeeter is his current best friend, and now all three of them can be best friends together. And then Bobby shows up.
So, right away Bobby is a jerk. Doug comments on how much he's grown. He attributes his growth to "sugar coated sugar flakes and no exercise." He then realizes he's overdue for a junk food break, and promptly jams a bar of chocolate in his face.
His mother asks him where his manners are, so he offers Doug some of his candy.
Theda comes outside and greets Bobby's mom, then they walk away to catch up. Doug introduces Bobby and Skeeter. Bobby calls him Scooter, then does that annoying, "hey what's that on your shirt?" nose flip thing that only jerks do.
Don't be a fucking jerk. End this joke.
Bobby's mom tells him to behave, and while Bobby is licking the candy wrapper, Doug invites him inside. Bobby throws the wrapper at Porkchop, who has been giving disapproving looks since Bobby put Doug in a headlock.
While Porkchop reads a magazine on the bed, Doug removes a toy from his trunk. Bobby gets excited by the toy, quickly grows bored with it, and throws it against the wall.
Bobby sees Doug's Man O Steel Man poster and asks Doug if he remembers the Man O Steel Man Lifelong Friendship Oath.
After the secret handshake, they continue reminiscing. While Doug was Quailman, Bobby was the Purple Partridge. One of their villains was Vermilion Albatross.
Vermilion Albatross' plan involves taking all the herring bone in the world. I don't know why he has to be in space to achieve this goal, or why it is even a plan that makes him a villain. I'm pretty sure the rest of us could go the rest of our lives without the bones of herrings. Of course, I'm assuming his plan doesn't magically remove the bones from living herrings. It would be fairly ghoulish to take their bones too, and since doing so would also make herrings extinct, that would make him a serviceable villain. I am, perhaps, overthinking this.
Of course, Quailman and Purple Partridge are there to stop Vermilion Albatross. Only, when Quailman flies closer to fight Vermilion Albatross, Purple Partridge has disappeared. The fantasy is interrupted by reality as Bobby declares that he's found a power helmet.
He thinks it's the funniest thing and he's jumping on Doug's bed. Doug tries to get him to stop by saying he's going to get hurt or break the bed. Fucker's jumping on the bed, with his fucking shoes on, and Doug's not sure that Bobby is going to get hurt? Because when he's in the air, you push and if you're lucky, when his head splits open, the blood doesn't spray onto your comics.
Eventually, Bobby jumps off the bed, and he lands on a rug. His momentum makes the rug slip and he slides into Doug's shelf.
Funniest goddamn thing Bobby ever did, apparently. It's just a shame he didn't get seriously injured.
Outside, Bobby is chasing Doug around the front yard, threatening to sit on him. His mother thanks Theda for making them feel so welcome.
She says she's hoping the move will be good for Bobby since he was having problems at his old school. Theda reassures her that Doug will look out for him.
Doug takes Bobby by Sully's Comic & Book Nook on the way to school.
I assume they don't go inside because it's not open yet. There's a really gross moment where Bobby blows a bubble with his gum, and it pops and sticks to the window of Sully's shop. It's gross because he just pulls most of his gum off the window and puts it back in his mouth.
At school, Chalky asks Doug if he's going to Funky Town this weekend for the opening of the new water ride. After saying he wouldn't miss such an event for anything, Doug introduces his pal from Bloatsburg.
As far as first impressions go, Bobby is the fucking worst. His first priority at school was buying a soda. When he meets Chalky and Fentruck, he shakes up the soda and opens it to shoot a stream into the air.
The main stream arches into his mouth, but obviously most of the soda explodes outward, soaking Chalky, Fentruck, and Doug. No one is amused by this trick. Who would be? They are all going to be sticky and smelly for the rest of the day.
He belches in their face, crushes the can with his armpit, and throws the crushed can onto the floor.
And then it gets even worse. Doug introduces Fentruck, pointing out that he's from Yakastonia, and before Doug can finish introducing Chalky, Bobby has a fucking joke.
"How many Yakastonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? NONE! 'Cuz they don't have any!"
Chalky won't have any of that shit. He gets in Bobby's face and says that was rude.
Bobby says, "Me? Rude? Wouldn't dream of it!" He then belches in Chalky's face.
"Ahhh...even sweeter the second time around."
Chalky and Fentruck leave and Bobby calls them nice, but complains about their lack of a sense of humor. He then asks Doug where all the babes are in this school. Then he drags Doug over to where he knows they'll be.
Doug resists and escapes as soon as possible, but the girls inside are screaming. Bobby is a sexual predator.
Outside the bathroom, while the girls inside are still screaming, Patti asks Doug, "what's going on?" Doug doesn't really get to explain anything before Bobby is thrown out of the bathroom by Connie and two other girls. On the floor, he jokes about how babes just can't seem to get enough of him, so Connie throws a roll of toilet paper at his face.
Beebe demands to know who he is, and Doug tries to pretend he doesn't know who he is by saying, "must be a new kid." Bobby ruins this weak cover and asks Doug why he left. He says the best part is getting thrown out.
Patti is shocked to learn Doug was in the girls' bathroom too. Bobby tells her they're best buddies, so they do everything together. He then says, "and I bet you're just dying to get to know me better, riiiight?"
This scene ends with Bobby proposing they go spit off the roof to see who they can hit.
At lunch, Bobby is a pig.
He fucking loves the cafeteria food. He says it's great, "not like our old school."
Skeptical, Doug asks, "you like the magic mystery meat?"
Ignoring this simple yes or no question, Bobby tells Doug to "watch this," as he shoves his tray aside to stand on the table.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! A preview of today's menu! Look!"
He puts everyone off their appetite and clears the cafeteria.
After school, Doug takes Bobby to Mr. Swirly for some reason. Immediately, Bobby criticizes the milkshakes for being watery. They aren't thick like the mega monster shakes in Bloatsburg. At this point, Doug just goes along with it. As long as he's insulting the town, he's not personally offending all of Doug's best friends. "Hey, look. There's some of your other pals!"
Beebe, Skeeter, Patti, and Fentruck are enjoying themselves at a booth when Doug and Bobby approach. Doug starts to meekly ask if they can join them, but before he can even get the whole question out they start making excuses to leave.
Bobby is unfazed. He calls them snobs, then reassures Doug they're best buddies with a hard pat on the back. An unfortunate result of that hard pat on the back is that Doug dropps his milkshake. Bobby laughs.
At home, Doug talks out his problems with Porkchop.
Porkchop is goddamn amazing. I wish I could read and listen to someone talk out their problems. I mean, Porkchop saw the changes, or maybe the lack of change, in Bobby instantly and sort of checks out to read his magazine for the rest of the episode. Doug keeps giving Bobby chance after chance. Porkchop knows.
Doug determines to spend less time with Bobby. He thinks this will force Bobby to make other friends so he can keep his. At school the next day, Doug's plan plays out like this.
Unfortunately, Bobby joined the school band, having told them he plays horn.
Why the fuck would they let him get away with this? Did he ask to join the band when they had him in the office to punish him for invading the girls' bathroom? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AT THIS SCHOOL‽
Some unnamed shithead with a bowl cut tells Doug to make him stop. Bobby then tells Doug he signed them up as partners for the science fair and joined the Bluffscouts!
After school, Doug goes to the mall, assuming it would be the last place he'd run into Bobby. He walks in the doors, gets on the escalator, and sees Bobby at the top of the escalator. Why did Doug think he wouldn't run into Bobby at the mall?
While Doug is running back down the up escalator, Bobby gets on the down escalator. I guess he's just riding the fucking things up and down. He is a true shithead. Doug sees him coming down and ducks. Somehow this works. Later, Doug hears a "psst" and turns to see Bobby hiding with some mannequins.
Bobby laughs so hard he loses his balance and falls on top of Doug. His fall knocks down the mannequins as well. They are kicked out of the mall and told not to return.
Bobby thinks this whole experience was great. He says he was glad he moved to Bluffington so they'll be together forever and ever. Doug has a fantasy about this.
In a retirement home, Quailman is sitting in a rocking chair, enjoying the view. Purple Partridge ruins the serenity.
Purple Partridge proposes they start a food fight at Millet King. Quailman says they closed. Purple Partridge gets another "power helmet" and suggest they go to a movie to make rude noises at the mushy parts.
Quailman says all the movie theaters closed too. Purple Partridge proposes ringing the doorbells of local superheroes then running away. Quailman says they moved too. Even Quaildog. They all moved to get away from Purple Partridge. Why didn't Quailman?
Oh, it's the Man O Steel Man Lifetime Friendship Oath. Doug took that oath, and what kind of person would he be if he broke that promise in the face of sexual predation and extreme rudeness excused as humor?
So finally, it's the weekend. The new ride at Funky Town is called Maelstrom of Madness.
Everyone is glad Doug is Bobby-free.
My favorite joke here comes from Fentruck: "In Yakastonia, we are having a saying about people like Bobby. It is, 'go away.'" Doug tells everyone to forget about Bobby, and Patti tries to help Doug distract from the much deserved trash talk. She says something about how she heard the ride was supposed to be pretty great. She then comments on how it looks pretty dark. Doug is suddenly reminded of her fear of the dark (was that established? I forget.) and has a fantasy where he comforts her with an arm around the shoulder.
Daydreaming, Doug almost misses the ride with Patti. He rushes over and pulls the lap bar down.
The ride is a pretty standard water ride at an amusement park. When they approach a pirate ship they hear a very recognizable voice.
"Argh! Avast, ye mateys! Here's Captain Bobby!"
What the fuck is this shit?
How did he break into this ride? Funky Town has a serious security issue. Bobby tells them to prepare to be boarded, then he swings out toward them on a rope. The rope breaks and he lands on their boat, capsizing it.
Skeeter and Beebe's boat runs into theirs and it also capsizes, followed by Chalky and Fentruck.
Everyone is pissed. So far, not a great debut for the Maelstrom of Madness, but at least no one died. Beebe calls her dad to tell him to sue. Everyone stomps off, even Skeeter, who actually sort of hops away because he has water stuck in his ears and he's trying to force it out.
Bobby approaches Doug and comments on his friends' lack of a sense of humor. He starts to suggest they get peanuts to throw on people from the sky tram. Finally, Doug has had enough.
Doug tells him to go away and leave him along. Bobby asks, "what's wrong with my best buddy?"
"I'm not your best buddy anymore!"
Bobby says you can't break the lifelong oath. Doug accuses him of being the one that broke the oath. "What kind of friend embarrasses you in front of everyone? You don't care about anyone or anything but yourself."
Bobby says this was how it was in Bloatsburg, where no one wanted to be his friend.
And Doug immediately regrets his outburst.
At dinner, Theda starts doting on Doug for helping Bobby. Bobby's mom called her to tell her how much he'd been helping Bobby.
So now Doug feels even worse. Phil tells Doug he's proud of him. "Without your encouragement, that boy might have gotten off on the wrong foot. He might have dropped out of school, or worse." Cue fantasy.
The police have a dilapidated shack surrounded. Purple Partridge declares that they'll never take him, then throws a water balloon at them.
Yes, he's loaded up with water balloons. He's in a worthless shack and has no hostages or real weapons, so I can't imagine why the police give a shit about him. Man O Steel Man breaks down the door and declares that his widespread crime spree of hideous awfulness is over. Purple Partridge surrenders.
Man O Steel Man asks him what made him turn from superhero to villain, and he says it was Quailman's fault. Man O Steel Man is especially perturbed that Quailman broke the Man O Steel Man Lifelong Friendship Oath.
In band class, Bobby is missing. Doug asks bowl cut if he's seen him, and he says Bobby didn't show up for school today.
Because the episode is running out of time, Doug finds Bobby pretty quickly at Sully's Comic & Book Nook. Bobby is reading Man O Steel Man, the issue from Doug's memory at the beginning of the episode, so Doug is able to approach him easily by quoting along with him.
Bobby says, "I thought you were mad at me."
Doug replies, "I was, but I got over it."
Bobby expresses brief happiness at this, and assumes they can go on just like before. Doug tells him no. If he wants to be friends, he's got to back off. All of his behavior so far has been too much.
Bobby says he's only trying to be funny and questions whether anyone has a sense of humor. Doug tells him he comes on too strong and he doesn't have to be a clown all the time. He says he'll give it a try.
How the fuck has he not given it a try before? As far as I can tell, his mother moved to Bluffington just so he could live somewhere he already had a friend. Why couldn't anyone in Bloatsburg tell him to stop trying so goddamn hard? Where did Bobby get this idea that being a fucking jerk is funny?
So, Bobby calms down a little bit more each day. He actually plays trumpet really well, so his joining the school band wasn't a total waste.
After the recital, Phil stands up to take the band's picture. Bobby whispers something to the two people standing next to him, and they pick him up for the picture.
But Phil wastes that opportunity and finally snaps the picture right after they drop him.
Good job, professional photographer.
This episode is missing Roger, for good reason. First, I would love to see how Roger reacts to Bobby. I don't know if he'd like him or hate him. Second, Bobby's experience in Bloatsburg is Roger's experience in Bluffington. We don't know if Bobby had three goons hanging around him, laughing at his every cruel joke, but they both think being a jerk is fucking hilarious and everyone should recognize their greatness based on this terrible sense of humor. Roger can't be in this episode, because everyone has treated him the same way they treat Bobby, except no one is ever going to get him to temper his behavior the way Doug does for Bobby. It's blatant hypocrisy for Doug to acknowledge Bobby's potential for being a decent human being worthy of friendship if Roger's there without being given the same chance. And you can't give him the same chance without, you know...giving up one of your main antagonists.