Episode 24, Part 1: Doug Pumps Up

Doug and Skeeter were loitering outside of Raccoon Records in the 4-leaf Clover Mall when Doug noticed Patti was having some trouble with a couple of bags. He excused himself from Skeeter and offered to help her. She gladly dumped the heavy bags into his hands, which he could barely hold. He jokingly asked if she bought barbells, and she replied, "yeah." As he struggled to get a good grip on the bags, Beebe and Connie walked up and dumped their bags into his arms also.

Under the weight of it all, Doug dropped everything and fell on his ass.

I don't think I'd shop at a store called "Punt & Grunt." Anyway, this is how the episode begins; with Doug humiliating himself in public in front of Patti.

After the girls are long gone, realizing Doug isn't much help in the "carrying things for 3 women" department, Skeeter notices a cardboard cutout of Ronald Weisenheimer. He is Arnold Schwarzenegger. The cutout informs the kids that he'll be in town as a judge for the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. Doug has a great fantasy here.

...dissolves into...

According to this fantasy, if Doug works out like Ronald Weisenheimer, he will double in height and speak with an Austrian accent. He helps out the three girls and the fantasy ends. It is enough to convince Doug to sign up for the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. He gets in line behind Roger's goons. Chalky is sitting at the desk helping people sign up, and when he sees Doug is next, he yells, "next," assuming Doug wasn't there to sign up. Doug points out that he's next and Chalky laughs at him. Dick.

So Doug assumes that the test is in 4 or 5 weeks, and he'll have plenty of time to train. Skeeter tells him the test is the day after tomorrow. Doug either doesn't know what day, or even month, it is, or he didn't bother to check the date when he signed up. This might also be Chalky's fault. As the guy recruiting people for the test, he should make sure all the necessary information is given to them. Given that he laughed at Doug, he might've just saved his breath thinking it might be better if Doug didn't show up and embarrass himself.

With the test so soon, there's only one man Doug can go to for help.

Mr. Dink has the Lazy Guy Workout System. It's great! Very expensive. First he puts Doug on a treadmill with a changing background. He still has to walk, so I'm not sure how this is part of the Lazy Guy Workout System. The next part is for the real lazy guy.

Pull-ups are easy when you stand on a platform that moves you up and down. However, when that platform breaks and starts going double-speed, problems arise.

Yeah, his arms are stuck like that, in spite of the fact that he was holding the bar the other way and not really using them for anything other than maybe balance. Apparently it was quite a workout though. Doug can't even lift the newspaper anymore.

The results of this non-workout with Mr. Dink are, at best, entirely in Doug's mind.

After this, Doug goes to the school gym where Chalky and others are working out.

Before he picked up those weights, Chalky came over and told him to start slow. He suggested that little red weight at Doug's feet. Don't strain yourself. Doug calls the weight "dinky" and puts it down as soon as Chalky walks away. He goes back to ignoring good advice, and has a fantasy in the process. A really weird, fantastic fantasy.

Doug is apparently a contestant on a show called Mr. Dumbell. The camera pans across 3 or 4 bodybuilders while an announcer talks about the tough competition. Then it stops on Doug.

Pretty standard Doug fantasy. If he's not the worst at something, he's the best at it. Oh, and then it gets weird.

I just don't even know what to say about this.

After the fantasy, Doug loses his balance and drops the weights. One of them crushes his foot and Chalky takes him to the nurse. With his foot all bandaged up, he won't be able to do the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. Unless he just does something that doesn't require your feet.

The kid that couldn't pick up the newspaper earlier is now fully able to pull himself up a rope. He thinks that with a little practice he could be as good as those guys on Bloatsburg Gladiators.

Bloatsburg Gladiators is a more awesome, dangerous version of American Gladiators. You can't see it in that picture, but someone at the top poured butter down Doug's rope to make him slip, and the ropes are above an alligator pit with huge spikes. Seriously. I'd watch that show. Fuck that nerf version we were all obsessed with back in the early 90's.

At the end of the fantasy, Doug is at the top of the rope.

Somehow he wasn't hindered by his overly-detailed fantasy about being on tv, yet again. However, his celebration causes his grip to slip and he slides all the way to the bottom.

Now with both hands bandaged up with serious rope burns, Doug really is out of the All-Bluffington Fitness Test. Turns out Patti is too.

She pulled a muscle trying to carry those bags by herself. Doug thinks this is stupid because she could still do the running part. She's worried she'll look goofy. Because Patti has always been so vain. Doug convinces her to do the running, and laments the fact that all he's good for with two fucked up hands and a fucked up foot is sitting. And that leads him to the sit-up competition.

By the way, this is a really strange fitness test. Doug never really explained what it was, but apparently it's just different fitness exercises, and instead of just displaying that you can competently do the exercises (like the presidential fitness tests), you are in direct competition with whoever else is trying that exercise. To think that Ronald Weisenheimer would travel to Bluffington for a middle school track meet...

Anyway, Doug starts doing sit-ups while Patti starts the race around the track. Kids are dropping out of the sit-ups competition left and right, but Chalky and Doug keep going. Patti wins the race after they've already done a few hundred sit-ups. Chalky finally gives up at 500, and Patti comes over and gives Doug the slightest bit of encouragement so he'll be able to do 501 sit-ups. He beat Chalky and set a new school record.

And so Doug redeemed himself in public. In front of Patti. He may have weak arms, but he can do more sit-ups than that stupid jerk Chalky. Shouldn't have laughed at him, Chalky.

Doug's fantasies here are clearly more about the typical, weird body issues kids his age might deal with. He doesn't really want to be a bodybuilder tv and movie star. He'll settle for being just a tv and movie star, thanks.

Also, if you didn't see it earlier today...