Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Episode 7: Doug's in Debt

This episode begins with Doug acting like a jerk. He's leaning against a wall in the cafeteria, stealing food from other students as they walk by.

Then he says, "nice way to lose yesterday's game, Mayonnaise!" Patti thinks it's Roger and starts to tell him off before noticing Doug. Doug immediately owns up to being the jerk she thought was Roger, then calls her "girly girl" and mocks her further. As she storms off, Doug tries to apologize, but Roger will have none of that!

So this is a fantasy. Doug wonders how he ever let Roger get control of him.

After the fantasy, Doug gives us an update on the family. Porkchop is learning to juggle. Judy is practicing for a one-man show. Theda is more pregnant than ever. In cutting up a cake for the family, everyone gets one thin slice while she eats the rest. Also, she's super emotional. Saying goodbye to Doug in the morning, she starts crying and staring at an old picture of him.

After finishing his journal entry, Doug has to start working on his history project. He hasn't decided who the subject will be, so Porkchop stands up and volunteers. Doug says it has to be an important historical figure. It can't be about his dog. Oh, the time Doug wastes looking around his room, having conversations with things that want to be the subject of his school projects.

Leaving his room, he tells Porkchop he has to do his project on someone really great. He peeks into Judy's room and something catches his eye.

Yep! Doug's found his great person to write about: Napoleon. Well, why not? He's got the costume! Before he can do much of anything, Judy runs into the room, grabs the costume, throws it into the trunk, and slams it shut. She reminds him that he is forbidden to touch her costumes and kicks him out of her room.

He starts begging because adding a costume to his project guarantees him an A. She refuses, saying the costume is expensive and irreplaceable. Doug says he'll guard it with his life. They get into a repetitive argument that brings their mother to tears.

This makes Judy relent. Doug can borrow it, but he has to sign a contract.

Doug doesn't even read the contract before signing it and taking the costume. He's excited about getting an A.


The next day, Doug is looking over his Battle of Waterloo paper as he walks past Roger and his goons. Roger is demanding that they hurry up. They need to find him a topic for his history project that is due in an hour. He is immediately distracted by a delivery truck unloading a big plastic cow across the street at Curdzini's Udder Butter. He's apparently always wanted a big plastic cow. He has his own flashback to when he was a child.

There's his dad, leaving for good. He says he's going to Bloatsburg and that he'll visit, but evidence from previous episodes points to this being bullshit. Anyway, Roger doesn't give a shit about what his dad is saying. He just wants to play with the big plastic cow. His mom tells his dad to take the stupid cow with him, and they have a short argument before his dad takes the cow. This is incredibly sad for many reasons. Either Roger hates his dad and has a rosebud memory of a big plastic cow, or he copes with the loss of his deadbeat dad by believing all he really wants is the big plastic cow his dad took with him. Maybe he thinks his dad will return if he has a big plastic cow.

After the memory, Roger is checking out the cow, which repeats "buy more butter" incessantly. Mr. Curdzini walks out and Roger offers to buy the cow. Mr. Curdzini says it isn't for sale and that he loves the cow.

At school, Doug finishes up his oral report on the Battle of Waterloo before introducing Napoleon Bonapart.

Ms. Crystal immediately measures Porkchop's height and determines he's even the right height to play Napoleon. The class cheers and Doug gets his A and this somehow isn't a fantasy. Roger's report was on the Monroe Doctrine and his total misunderstanding of it.

After school, Doug is walking home when Skeeter spots him and tells him they need a goalie. Without asking which sport they were playing, Doug says, "cool," and throws his shit on the ground before running off to the basketball court.

None of this makes sense. Ignoring the sports stuff (we can just assume they ran past the basketball court to the soccer field), why the fuck did he just drop his shit right there? There's no reason he can't carry it with him and actually take care of it. Anyway, wind blows the hat away immediately.

Later, Skeeter compliments Doug on the game. He says he's never seen someone stop so many goals with his face. Upon returning to his abandoned stuff, Doug complains that someone has kicked dirt onto the coat, and oh no, the hat is gone! Shithead. They start looking everywhere.

A genius and his friend.

Doug has a fantasy about Judy's reaction, and his punishment.

There's a filthy joke in there somewhere, but I'd rather just point out that I could make a filthy joke rather than actually make a filthy joke.

After the fantasy, Skeeter suggests checking the lost and found. The lost and found is typically the first place you check, but when a crazy person and his genius friend look for something, they have to check under all the big rocks first. Unfortunately, the school is locked up now, and Doug will have to wait until tomorrow. It doesn't matter anyway. The only thing in the lost and found box is a piece of pizza.

Skeeter lost that pizza last month. He still eats it. Genius.

Skeeter suggests buying a new one, but Doug says it's impossible. It's a one-of-a-kind hat. As he continues lamenting the situation, Skeeter tries to point out the hat in a bush. Eventually Doug takes notice and tries to grab it, but that only upsets Roger, because he's wearing it. He says he found it on the street. It actually just blew onto his face.

The rickets aren't getting better. Roger says he's always wanted a crazy-guy hat. They start arguing over the hat, and Doug points out that Roger could buy dozens of Napoleon hats (contradicting his earlier statement that it's a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable hat) and Roger says he's right. Except he doesn't have to buy them because he already has one. He says the Monroe Doctrine supports his claim of finder's keepers. End of argument!

Later, Roger is trying to put a half-eaten banana into his locker but it's too full. He asks Ned and Willie if he can keep it in their lockers, but they say their lockers are already full of his crap. He decides to make a deal with Doug. Doug can have the hat back if Roger can use his locker. Doug says he needs the hat by the end of the week, and they agree. I don't know why Doug doesn't demand the hat right away.

Doug quickly finds that Roger is a hoarder.

What's he keeping that tire for? He also gets attacked by Mr. White's toupee when he opens his locker once. Mr. White is not happy.

Doug gets detention for that, and can't tell on Roger because Roger will destroy the hat. At the end of the week, Doug demands the hat, but Roger says he'll keep it for another week. Doug protests, but Roger just says he should've gotten the deal in writing.

At home, Doug starts to tell Judy he doesn't have the hat, but her friend tells him that if he doesn't have the hat, Provision M will kick in. Doug asks, "what's Provision M?" and Judy says he should have read the contract. Doug's learning all sorts of lessons this week.

Back at Curdzini's Udder Butter, Roger is still trying to buy the big plastic cow. Mr. Curdzini says he won't sell it for all the money in the world, which is idiotic when you consider that he bought it from somewhere. If he loves that cow so much, he should just charge Roger double the price he paid for it and then buy two to replace it. Then he'll have two big plastic cows to love. Mr. Curdzini is not so smart though, because he doesn't do this. Also, he opened a store that apparently only sells butter. Roger starts tugging on the cow's collar, saying he has big plans for it. These plans are amazing.

He's going to swim with it, ice skate with it, buy clothes, go to baseball games, and go hang-gliding. So yeah, he really just wants his dad back. Very sad, indeed.

Doug finds Roger lounging in his pool and demands the hat. Still obsessed with the cow, Roger gets an idea.

Roger is pretty great at math. So he tells Doug he'll give him the hat back if he does one favor. Roger threatens to ruin the hat before returning it if Doug doesn't help. This makes Doug fantasize about Provision M again. In this fantasy, Judy throws him into a Dali painting.

Then he is attacked by giant structures shaped like the letter M. The M's shoot lasers at him. After the fantasy, Doug agrees to help Roger. So Doug just has to help Roger steal the cow. Roger leaves an envelope full of money for Mr. Curdzini. And they just put roller-blades on the cow and drag it through the street.

Doug comments on how heavy it is. Eventually they get to the top of a hill and it starts rolling out of control. Doug rides with it, jumps a curb and lands in a bush.

Later that night, the Funnie family see a report on the news about the stolen cow. Doug feels terrible and goes up to his room where he stored the cow. How did he get this heavy cow up the stairs and into his room without anyone noticing? Why didn't Roger take the cow? Why doesn't Doug have the hat? Why isn't this over?

Judy comes upstairs and demands the hat. Doug says he doesn't have it and tells her to Provision M him.

Provision M states that Doug now has to appear in every one of Judy's productions from now on. This seems like a punishment to both of them, unless Doug's just a really great actor. He thinks this is worse than anything he imagined and remembered the time he played the sandwich in her play about digestion.

I'd see that play.

Judy has her friend measure Doug. Apparently Doug is just the right size for the Puck costume. At least he'll apparently be Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream, which is considerably better than a sandwich being turned into feces. I think...

Later Doug sees an interview with Mr. Curdzini on the news. Mr. Curdzini is weeping for his stolen cow. Doug wishes he'd just written his report about Porkchop, because that was clearly his only other option.

Doug decides to return the cow on his own and experiences the same trouble as when he stole it. The cow rolls down a hill and out of control. Luckily it just crashes into Mr. Curdzini, because he was sitting on the curb weeping about his cow and wishing on a star for its return.

Doug takes the money back to Roger and Roger still refuses to give the hat back. Judy catches up to Doug and demands the hat, or that he put on a Puck costume. He finally tells her that he lost the hat and Roger found it but won't give it back. She quickly finds Roger and takes the hat. Problem solved, but now Doug is stuck with Provision M since he's not the one that returned the hat. Judy's friend looks over the contract and says it doesn't matter that Doug didn't return the hat, as long as Judy has the hat in the end. Lucky Doug. Unlucky Judy. Now she doesn't have someone to play Puck. She starts crying, and Doug feels bad so he volunteers to play the part. Big mistake.

So Judy made some sort of hockey Shakespeare thing. Insanity runs in the family. I don't know. I want to see it.

"I really learned a valuable lesson; Next time I need to do a report, I'm gonna listen to my dog. The Life of Porkchop J. Funnie."

That is absolutely not the lesson he should have learned from any of this. Read your contract before you sign it. If you make a deal with someone, get it in writing. Don't just throw your stuff anywhere and expect it to be there when you return. Roger has serious father issues. Roger is a hoarder. Skeeter will eat anything. There are more historical figures than Napoleon and Porkchop. The Monroe Doctrine says, "finder's keepers!"

Also, Doug's puppet fantasy from the beginning doesn't apply once you know the whole situation. Roger didn't make Doug act like a bully. He just used his locker and made him commit a crime that made it onto the news twice. It's much worse.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Episode 4: Doug's Hoop Nightmare

This episode begins with Doug talking about surprises he's received in the mail. There's been cool surprises like this chandelier.

Unfortunately, they got the wrong house and Doug had to give it back. I don't know how Doug thought he just got to keep the package that must have obviously been delivered to the wrong house, but he did, and he was very disappointed when the men from the post office broke into his home, entered his room and tapped him on the shoulder to demand the package back. Doug also mentions lame surprises like some exercise equipment he ordered. The best surprise he's ever gotten was a letter from Bolivia.

The whole family is very interested in the letter from Bolivia. Perhaps the letter will explain what happened to the backs of their chairs. Doug refuses to tell them what the letter is about without starting from the beginning. So it all began last summer. Doug was really excited about his summer vacation. He wanted to be super organized for summer to get the most out of it.

He's planned out the first half of his day, which is almost over as he's checking off items on the list. His day, and summer, falls apart completely at noon when he finds out Skeeter was accepted to Camp Einstein last night and had to rush off this morning. According to Doug, the only thing left on his schedule for the day was at 4:00, and that event was "avoid Roger." Doug does this by hanging out alone at the Honkerburger. Here's how that plan worked out.

Roger makes jokes about Doug getting rejected from camps and steals some of his fries.

At home, Doug's parents suggest he go to a summer camp so they can have more sex because all his friends have gone to camp. Phil says camp is fun and educational. Doug has a quick fantasy of a place called Fun & Educational Camp, and it's a boring fantasy where campers just sing the Fun & Educational Camp song. After the fantasy, his parents hand him some brochures for different camps.

Camp Sullen sounds like a dream. It's not that they want him to change his attitude. They just want him to be sulky and bored somewhere else so they can have sex and get pregnant. Right after he tells them that he's just not the summer camp kind of guy, the doorbell rings.

Patti just wants to return his Smash Adams tape before she goes to sports camp. She says, "too bad you're not going! We'd have a lot of fun!" Doug immediately gets on his knees and begs his parents to let him go to sports camp.

The next day Doug has the typical goodbye scene with his parents. They tell him to write and tell him to be safe and give him sunglasses and slap him so hard in the ass that he falls down as he's getting on the bus. At first he thinks he's on the wrong bus, but then Patti starts calling out to him.

Patti is excited that he's come along, and says the camp will be fun and sporty. He has the same fantasy as earlier with the same song using different lyrics because camp is fun and sporty now instead of fun and educational.

At camp, Doug is surprised to find that it's not as relaxed and fun as he assumed. Coach Spitz runs the camp, and he has no patience for Doug's sunglasses.

Please note the gentleman wearing the shirt pointing at his crotch, and please, if you wish to get me something for Christmas, consider such a shirt.

Anyway, Coach Spitz reveals that Patti and Chalky are his assistants. This entire camp is run by one adult and two children. This should be good. Coach Spitz tells them to put their shit up and regroup at the obstacle course in 15 minutes.

In a letter home, Doug talks about how great camp is. On the first day they went rowing, swimming, rock climbing and life saving.

All of these activities were a result of the previous activity sucking. The row boat capsized, so they had to swim to shore, where they had to climb a whole 10 feet, and wait for a helicopter to airlift them back to camp. This camp is amazing.

Doug says they trained for a big basketball game with the camp across the lake. Predictably he sucks at basketball and is worn out by his feeble attempts to keep up. After plopping down on his cot for a rest, Leonard pops down to let him in on a secret.

Leonard plans to escape from Grinning Bear Sports Camp. He's already escaped from 3 other camps this summer. His plan to escape this one is called "Operation: Moo Moo" and involves a cow suit made of old baseball gloves.

"Got room in the rear if you're interested."

Coach Spitz, Chalky and Patti are watching the shittiest news report on the slowest news day ever. The news is talking about the big basketball game Grinning Bear Sports Camp will be participating in. There's a few shots of the other team training.

They also have a see-saw and real exercise equipment. There's an interview with Camp All Star's coach, Piney Ziegler, where we just find out that Camp All Star is a super exclusive camp where everyone has their own personal trainer (among other things) and so their winning streak is hardly unexpected. After the interview, Coach Spitz squeezes a tomato. He says they'll beat Camp All Star this year because they have the drive to win, the will to win, and fruit. He makes Patti and Chalky squeeze the banana and grapes they have, and no that is not a euphemism. I hope. Coach Spitz mentions a secret weapon, but won't reveal what it is. Looking out the window, he sees Leonard in his cow suit and tells him to get back to his bunk.

At Camp All Star, Coach Ziegler is talking on the phone with someone he calls Falcon. Falcon tells him about Grinning Bear's secret weapon.

At dinner, Doug hides his pain from Patti as she tells him how great he did today.

Percy Femur sits down and makes a joke at Doug's expense. Patti defends him in a way that makes him feel worse than Percy's joke. Percy then plays up how awesome Camp All Star is, and Chalky asks him how he knows so much about it. "One word: SHUT UP!" So yeah, Percy's the spy. After dinner, Doug finds out about Operation: Trash Dump.

The next morning, Leonard comes walking back into camp with flies buzzing around his head. Coach Spitz welcomes him back over the intercom system. Doug says that Leonard inspired him to come up with his own plan: Operation: Impress Patti. Nothing's more inspiring than two miserable failures. Doug imagines his plan in action. Basically he's just awesome at basketball.

And he's taken Nike's slogan and shoved it in their fucking face.

In practice, his plan sucks. He can't do any fancy dribbling, and he really sucks at making baskets. He throws the ball into the trash once, through a window once, and into an old woman in a wheelchair that's actually Leonard in disguise once. Another escape plan foiled!

Patti tells him to work on his accuracy a bit, and one of the easiest ways to be more accurate is to throw underhanded.

He finally gets one in the basket, but is worried about looking cool. She dismisses his concern, but Chalky comes along and shows off.

Chalky and Patti leave him to practice on his own. He just sits down on the ball. Percy walks up and makes more jokes and comments that reveal he is obviously the spy for Camp All Star.

Doug says the big game was on everyone's minds for the next week. The only thing on his mind was not looking like a dork in front of Patti. At practice, he throws the ball at Coach Spitz's head. Because of this, he has to stay behind and practice more. Patti offers to stay and help. Then Chalky stays too, which pisses Doug off.

Somewhere else, Coach Spitz is making the other students squeeze tomatoes. He's finally going to reveal his secret weapon.

What a let down. One girl asks him what it's made out of and he tells her not to worry about that. He tosses her another tomato and says, "just keep squeezing." All the kids squeeze tomatos and we get to follow the juice as it runs into a drain on the floor, through a rube goldberg of pipes and sieves, and into more bottles with the Liquid Spitz label. Gross and criminal.

After the secret weapon is revealed, Percy sneaks off to make a phone call.

No one is surprised and Coach Ziegler is relieved to know he doesn't have anything to worry about. Meanwhile, Coach Spitz makes everyone present drink Liquid Spitz, and it's a gross drink (obviously) and no one likes it.

At practice, Patti is barking orders and Doug fails to make a shot again. She asks why he won't shoot underhanded, and he says he doesn't want to look like a dork. She points out that shooting air-balls is dorky and he gets offended. Chalky tries to help and Doug gets offended and calls him a ball hog. As Doug storms off, Chalky asks Patti about it and she sort of reinforces Doug's point by pointing out that he takes a lot of shots. Chalky is stunned, but Patti chases after Doug. She tries to get Doug to see the point, but he gets snarky and shuts her down. He's such a douche sometimes.

The next morning, Doug wakes up worried he's hurt Patti's feelings. Also he see's Leonard's next brilliant plan.

Dressed as a plumber, he's going to escape through the sewer. Before the game, Leonard gets started on his great adventure through the sewer.

At the game, Coach Spitz notices all his players look sick and offers them more Liquid Spitz. This makes them all sick and they run to the bathroom.

The ensuing flushes rush into the sewers and make Leonard panic.

Meanwhile, at the game, Coach Spitz finds he doesn't have enough players. With everyone sick, he only has Doug, Patti, Chalky and Percy. They need at least 5 players. As Percy smugly points out that they'll have to forfeit, Leonard comes shooting out of the sewer. They've found their fifth man. Doug sees this as his last chance to prove himself to Patti.

The first half of the game sucks. Doug can't shoot. Chalky keeps passing the ball to Doug. Percy hands the ball to the players on the other team. Instead of a good halftime speech, Coach Spitz just yells at everyone. Doug interrupts to give a real halftime speech.

He says he's just jealous of Chalky and that Patti is a great assistant coach. His speech is so motivational even Percy is moved. In the second half of the game, Chalky plays like he should, Patti plays like she should, Percy switches sides, and Doug and Leonard are as useless as they normally are. Right at the end of the game, as Grinning Bear is losing by one point, Doug is fouled by this tall fucker.

Hardly seems like a fair game. Doug gets to take a couple of free throws. He immediately goes into a fantasy.

In the fantasy, he's in the same situation in a larger venue but he just imagines he's shooting free throws underhanded and the entire stadium is laughing at him. After the fantasy, Doug says it's just a game and he wants to go out in style. He throws overhanded and misses. Everyone laughs. He realizes that he's let his team down because he didn't want to look stupid. He throws the last free throw underhanded and makes the shot. It ties up the game and his team celebrates.

The ref calls overtime, and Grinning Bear wins the game by 6 points. During the celebration, Judy finally interrupts Doug's story to ask what this shit has to do with a letter from Bolivia.

Fucking finally. Did you forget this had something to do with a letter from Bolivia? So anyway, that letter from Boliva was just from Leonard. It may be several months later, and school may have started weeks ago, but Leonard finally escaped that awful two week camp and Coach Spitz will never find him.

Oh wait, no...there he is, right behind Leonard in Bolivia.

This episode is fucking insane. Doug gets a letter from South America and in telling his family why, he had to explain how he became a hero at summer camp after being so unnecessarily worried about being dorky for two weeks? No. Did he really sit there and tell his family this whole story where he mostly looks like a stupid asshole instead of saying, "oh there was this weird kid at camp that kept trying to escape. I guess he finally made it and I should find his parents and tell them where he is. Haha...Bolivia, huh? How the fuck did he make it that far!?" Maybe. If this is the first they've heard of this story, then it didn't happen. If this happened, Doug would have told them when he got home from camp. Maybe he was just a narcissistic asshole the whole time he was at camp and it took him a few months to figure out a way to tell his family his summer camp story without looking like a total shithead.

As for the letter from Bolivia? Who knows? I remember at some point during elementary school, I was made to write letters to some pen pal at another school across the country. I had no interest in the project, and apparently neither did my pen pal. Maybe Doug had a similar project set up for him in elementary school and it finally paid off in the best possible way for him; as an excuse to lie to his family to make himself look better.