"Dear Journal,
Last weekend, I got to go on the Bluffscout canoe trip."
So, Doug didn't think to write this down the minute he got home? Or while he was camping? Seems like a good time to write.
Also, the episode starts with them paddling to the shore and unpacking their canoes. Doug decided to tell us all about his canoe trip right after the canoing was over. Anyway, they're unpacking and Scoutmaster Dink is checking off a list to make sure they have everything. This is usually the kind of thing you'd do before you left, but then I'm not a fan of the "we forgot something important? Oh well, fuck it" method of camping. Two very important items, which Doug decides to handle together are the official Bluffscout pepper mill, and the official Bluffscout navigation computer.
You know how pepper mills can be sort of crazy. Occasionally they'll just shoot a bunch of pepper in your face, causing you to sneeze and...
This can't be good.
Shit. Roger makes a joke about it and Scoutmaster Dink hands Doug a handkerchief saying, "I didn't know you were allergic to computers."
Without the official Bluffscout navigation computer, they are screwed. Scoutmaster Dink decides he must go back and get the spare computer and he leaves the senior Bluffscout in charge. Who is the senior Bluffscout?
Wait, Roger has been a Bluffscout longer than anyone else? Seriously?
Roger assigns everyone jobs. Someone is assigned to keep the flies off him. Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop are assigned to dig up his fishing bait.
Something delightful happens here that could only happen in the mind of Doug Funnie. Porkchop struggles with a worm.
Yeah, Porkchop lost that struggle. And to add insult to injury, the worm sticks out its tongue at Porkchop before squirming back into the ground. I'm sure this totally happened.
After several hours with no sign of Scoutmaster Dink, Doug and Skeeter start to worry he might've gotten lost. Doug has a fantasy about what might've happened.
So they go to Roger to ask for permission to go look for Scoutmaster Dink. They are denied permission, and are actually threatened with demotions if they go. They will be demoted down to Tendertoes! Oh my!
Naturally, they decide to say "fuck it" and go searching anyway. But first, some disguises!
Look carefully? Can you even see Doug and Skeeter through their amazing disguises? Also, I love that Porkchop has destroyed a birds' nest with hatching eggs in it for his shitty disguise. I'm sure this happened too.
Before they get to the canoes, they are stopped by Roger's three goons. The goons say they aren't allowed to take a canoe...unless they were going to go searching for Scoutmaster Dink.
They obviously discarded their disguises after that. What happened to the birds' nest? That nest was ruined for nothing.
So now that they're officially a search party, they discuss how to go about finding Scoutmaster Dink. Skeeter has his doubts.
Doug: "We'll just use our Bluffscout wilderness knowledge."
Skeeter: "Like what, Doug?"
Doug: "Well, like how moss always grows on the North side of trees."
Skeeter: "YEAH! And how to keep your cereal crunchy, even in milk!"
Look, Skeeter. If you aren't going to be any help, at least keep your fucking mouth shut.
There's a terrific fantasy here, with an amazing song played by Porkchop on the banjo about how Doug Funnie is a mountain man! Yes!
Doug clearly realized after Skeeter's cereal comment that any mountain man status would be ascribed to himself and not Skeeter.
After the fantasy, they start looking for tracks on the bank of the river. They find moose tracks and maybe deer tracks and then Doug finally points out the Dink tracks.
If Scoutmaster Dink puts up signs like this all over the place, tracking him should be easy.
They follow the footprints until they lose the trail. Skeeter, finally deciding to be helpful, points out that if they had something of Dink's, Porkchop could pick up the scent and follow that. They lament the fact that they don't have anything to use for this purpose.
Oh, but Porkchop figured it out. He noticed the handkerchief in Doug's pocket. There's a moment where Doug completely ignores Porkchop so he can think. Porkchop has to pull on his shorts and whine to get his fucking attention so they can get to the point. I'm also sure that this totally happened.
They follow the scent to a cave where Skeeter utters this horrifying line.
"Look! It's Scoutmaster Dink's official Bluffscout pants!"
Then they hear a loud roar in the cave and get scared.
Up a tree!
While in the tree they start to mourn the loss of Scoutmaster Dink. Clearly, the bear has already mauled him to death. No doubt about it. They talk about how he was the greatest Scoutmaster ever, and how Mr. Dink was their best adult friend. Then Dink chimes in.
Yeah, he's just a few branches up from them. Oh, and he's naked. So what's his story? Why is he naked? Why, if he's in a tree near the cave, didn't he warn Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop that they were about to enter a bear cave? Did he think this was some hide and seek game? They could've been killed.
"Well, without the computer I got a bit off course. Then I got the boat to shore, but my clothes were soaked, so I laid them out to dry. And when I came back, I saw a bear and ran for my life and...here I am."
Really, Scoutmaster Dink? You got a bit off course in a river? How are you a Scoutmaster? What happened to using a compass? And let me get this straight: your clothes were soaked, so you took them off...all of them...then you wandered off for a bit? I don't want to know what's really going on here, and neither do you.
Up in the tree, they tell Scoutmaster Dink what Roger's been up to, so it's time to return to camp. How are things working out for them? Well, Roger's been chased up a tree as well.
Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, and Scoutmaster Dink return just in time. They are quickly informed that Roger has consumed all of the food. No problem for Dink. He just pulls out the phone he managed to keep from the bear.
Oh right, he's still wearing the underwear made of leaves. This doesn't seem to concern anyone. With the phone he orders 18 pizzas for everyone except Roger!
Not Pictured: Enough people to consume 18 pizzas. Also, with his pants in the bear cave, and presumably with his wallet in those pants, I'm not sure how he plans on paying for 18 pizzas. If you're wondering how they're even going to deliver 18 pizzas to the woods, I've got you covered.
Best pizza place ever. You can order 18 pizzas and give a vague description of your surroundings and they'll get that pizza to you. You better believe that.
And so the Bluffscouts end their night, being served pizza by Roger. I guess it is his punishment for being such a dick.
And so, Journal, that is how Dink lost his pants on the Bluffscouts canoe trip and that's all that happened! THE END! -Doug.
Right? I mean...this is by far the most suspicious tale of Doug's.
This blog is fantastic. Keep it up! I'm not sure why you chose to hold back on expressing the patently obvious fact that Roger's got a crush on Doug, though (see: obsessive following, ferris wheel moment, anniversary party, etc.) Honestly, he's as bad as Mercutio.
ReplyDeleteI find it more amusing he managed to get that phone to stay on his side with the leaves at all (I don't even want to know how that is possible anyway besides using mud first to glue the leaves on anyway). I guess it would've made more sense to me if he still had his shorts on and the phone was placed on with a belt clip or something. Whatever.
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