Monday, September 27, 2010

Episode 16, Part 1: Doug's Secret Admirer

"Dear Journal, REMEMBER THIS DAY! Today was the day I got my first kiss! It happened earlier this evening at the Bluffington Beet Blossom Festival Parade, but it actually started yesterday morning."

Yesterday morning began with Doug opening his locker and having a pink piece of paper fall out onto the floor. Doug picks it up and...

The beginning of trouble. He's immediately frozen in space so bad Skeeter has to wave his hand in front of his face to get his attention. When Doug finally snaps out of it, he shows Skeeter the note.

This should be good...

In class, Doug can't pay attention because he's dwelling on the note.

Notice how everyone else is working? Ms. Wingo is teaching, but as we're hearing what Doug hears, we get, "If pi r squared and i comes before e except after c and always remember early to bed, early to rise..."

Doug comes to the illogical conclusion that whoever wrote it disguised their handwriting. I say illogical because I'm going to give Doug the benefit of the doubt and assume he's not creepy enough to have studied every student's handwriting to be such an expert that he would know this note had disguised handwriting. Of course, this is Doug Funnie though. I could be wrong. Oh, but who is Doug's first guess at who the secret admirer could be?

It's these girls. That's right. In Doug's journal, writing about a girl that he has good reason to believe likes him, he first suspects two girls he's never mentioned before. He gave them the names Nancy Panko (on the right) and Vanessa Van Holten, because sometimes nameless extras get names. Then he goes into crazy mode.

Not everyone is as crazy as you, Doug. Also, one person put a note in your locker. You can fantasize it was Nancy, or you can fantasize it was Vanessa, but you can't fantasize it was both. Please take note of how crazy this is.

Anyway, that fantasy ends when Doug realizes that Nancy and Vanessa have noticed he's staring at them. One says, "Why don't you take a picture?" The other continues, "yeah, it'll last longer." Doug is creepy.
So who next? If it wasn't those two girls having the strangest identity crisis of all time, then it must be...

"Maybe she wanted me to join her in the beet blossom parade."

This is a reasonable fantasy.

But it doesn't last. His next suspect is Roger.

I love that Doug thinks Roger would dress up like a woman for this prank. I guess he thinks it would make the notes seem more authentic if Roger was dressed in drag. I don't know. Anyway, Doug quickly comes to the conclusion that it couldn't be Roger because Roger's spelling was terrible. "He couldn't spell 'admirer' if his life depended on it."

Can't see anything wrong with that. I mean...the guy that goes through the trouble of unnecessarily dressing in drag couldn't possibly go through the trouble of finding a fucking dictionary. Or getting a friend to help. HOW ABSURD! Moving on...

Doug finds another note in his locker. This one tells him to meet her at the Honkerburger tonight. She'll be wearing her Bluffington school sweatshirt. Skeeter gets excited as a motherfucker because Doug is "going on a blind date!"

This is great. This is how Doug prepares for a blind date.

Way to go, grandpa. After the Honkerburger, maybe you can take her to the nearest bingo game or find a game of shuffleboard where you can impress her with your skills. Maybe find a nice duck pond to sit near.

And because getting ready for a date is far too boring, Doug's mind wanders.

And hallucinates. Suddenly his hallucination of himself as someone cool starts yelling at him.

And fades into...

Apparently she's been standing there for a while. Waiting to use the bathroom. I don't know how long she was there listening to Doug talk to himself, but the fact that she had to yell him out of his fantasy means it was way too long. And did she get Doug some help for this? No. She told him to tell the girl she looks nice, and then kicked him out of the bathroom. Good advice, Judy, but not really the kind of help your little brother needs.

So finally, Doug gets to the Honkerburger and notices Patti and OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING HER SCHOOL SWEATER! He walks up and tells her she looks nice. She replies, "I look terrible, Doug. I just came from a ballgame."
Doug: "Still, you're right on time."
Patti: "Doug, what are you talking about?"
Doug: "Oh, y'know...our little secret."
Then he finally noticed something that would've been painfully obvious to anyone looking for someone wearing a specific article of clothing...

Doug is just...lazy? I don't get how he didn't notice this right away. Also, his secret admirer is a stupid bitch, whoever she is. This isn't a coincidence that they are all wearing the sweatshirts. Patti explains that they just came from a beetball game. It doesn't matter that that doesn't really make sense, (seriously...what do the sweatshirts have to do with beetball?). What matters is that his secret admirer picked something many people were likely to be wearing anyway. Pick something a little more distinct, or maybe just don't bother with the secret admirer bullshit.

After feeling terribly embarrassed for thinking it was Patti (also, lol, it's not Patti), Doug goes in the Honkerburger and waits for his secret admirer until they close. Pathetic.

At school the next morning, Doug and Skeeter spot the idiot slipping the next note in his locker.

Oh. Weird. At first Doug loves the idea. He just can't get over the fact that someone likes him, probably because he hates himself so much it doesn't make sense for other people to like him. Then Skeeter, either because he hates to see Doug happy, or because he really hates Beebe, points out to Doug that Beebe is a total brat. This causes Doug to think about what their relationship would be like. First, she's going to redecorate his room in impossible ways.

She's filled it with plants, and a little pond with a swan in it, and a little stream. It's bizarre. Very bizarre to think she'd be able to do this. And the worst part!


Doug comes back from this fantasy with, "THIS IS TERRIBLE!" Then he reads the note she just put in his locker and it tells him to meet her at the ball game and apologizes for missing him last night. This is when Skeeter gives what is perhaps the greatest advice ever given to anyone anywhere.

"You gotta get it through her head that you two don't make a pair. I know...why don't you sock/slug her?"

It's hard to tell over the sound effect of his hand motion whether it's sock or slug, and it hardly matters. Either way, Skeeter's first idea is to punch Beebe. I guess technically, he's right. A good punch to the mouth would really show Beebe that they don't make a pair, but wow. What's wrong with just saying it? SKEETER DON'T USE WORDS! SKEETER USE FIST! Ladies! Never date Skeeter.

After this brilliant suggestion, Doug considers Skeeter's next idea. This one is to dress him up and make him act like the person Beebe hates the most.

I can't believe he's even trying it. After Skeeter told him to hit Beebe, why would he ever listen to Skeeter's ideas for dealing with women? Never. Again.

In the basketball court, Roger notices Doug's new outfit and says, "hey, get a load of Funnie! Hahahaha! Hey, Funnie! You look like a doofus! What a loser! Hahahaha!"

He stands like this on the bleachers because it's a cool way to look normal and disguise his rickets.

Anyway, Beebe is sitting with two friends, and Skeeter is sitting behind her and so Doug makes his move and puts on his best Roger voice and starts picking on Skeeter. And because of Doug's general lack of competence, both of them fall off the bleachers and get a mean look from Beebe.

They assume this worked.

They were wrong. Doug finds another note in his locker. This time she wants to meet him at the beet blossom parade, and she mentions the costume she'll be wearing which is good because it's more specific. Of course, now that he knows it's Beebe, it's sort of unnecessary.

Skeeter starts to go off on another plan about dressing Doug up in a raccoon costume when Doug cuts him off and says he's going to unleash Plan C.
"Plan C is where, when I see Beebe coming, I run and hide."
Skeeter: "GENIUS, DOUG!"

Look...I know they're only 11 or whatever, but come on. This is at least a huge step up from punching her.
So at the parade, Doug spots her, and Skeeter is quick to remind him about Plan C, but he quickly changes his mind. He actually has a moment of reflection where he thinks about how hard it is to tell someone you like them (Patti), and how awful you felt if they ignored you (Patti). So he goes right up and says he doesn't think they're right for each other.

She immediately agrees. Then he gives her the notes back.

This makes her cry. And cry. Doug misunderstands this and as he is stumbling through the whole, "we can be friends" thing, Beebe says, "that was your locker, Doug? OH! I'm so embarrassed!"


Then Beebe realizes that the guy she meant them for never got them, and so he wasn't actually ignoring her! She pounces on Doug.

And that's how he got his first kiss. Bravo, Doug.

Then Beebe says this wonderful, comforting bit of insult, "don't take it the wrong way, Doug. I're okay. But frankly, I find you incredibly plebeian."


Doug's response? "Thanks! I think you're, uh...that. Too."

He just doesn't get that she just insulted him. Somewhat harshly too. Hopefully one day, after Doug figures out the meaning of the word plebeian, he will read this journal entry and remember it not so fondly. It is pretty weird that Doug focused on the (sort of) good (first kiss) this time, instead of the bad (doesn't really have a secret admirer, still can't talk to Patti about his feelings). It's also weird that he even counts that kiss. It wasn't a "I like you" kiss. It doesn't matter. It's a wonder Beebe went slumming in that moment anyway.

If you're wondering who the notes were really for, it was Skeeter. If only she knew Skeeter's first instinct was a good punching.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Episode 15, Part 2: Doug Vs. The Klotzoid Zombies

I love this episode.

This episode begins with Doug and Skeeter getting out of school.

Doug suggests they go to the Honkerburger and get some shakes. Skeeter agrees and says he's starving. Then Roger calls out to him and reminds him that he has plans. "Well...actually...I'm sort of going over to Roger's house. Sorry, pal! *honk honk*

What is this trickery!? Immediately Chalky and Beebe walk up and Doug asks if they want to come over and hear his new Beets tape. Chalky says sure, but Beebe quickly shuts him up and says "We're busy."

Then they walk over to Skeeter and Roger, immediately followed by...

What the fuck? Doug, why are all of your friends hanging out with Roger all of the sudden?

After the opening credits, Doug is sitting in front of his house and asks Porkchop, "Did I do something to make everyone hate me? Is it my breath?"

"Hmm, I bet Quailman would know what to do if he lost his friends."

Fuck. Yes.

So we begin this fantasy with Quailman and Quaildog playing an ordinary game of space miniature golf.

Mr. Dink walks up eager to show Quailman his new invention. It's a golf ball with shit poking out of it. Quailman asks if it's a ball with hole seeking guidance systems or some stupid shit, and Mr. Dink says no as he pushes a button on a remote that explodes the ball while Quailman is holding it. Dick!

Mr. Dink laughs and says, "oh boy, what a loser."

After mini golf, they go to the space equivalent of Honkerburger to get some beet shakes. Apparently Patti works there.

She informs them that they only sell zombie chips. She laughs and says, "oh boy, what a loser."

Then Doug sees Skeeter mopping the floor. He asks Skeeter if he wants to stop by the Thicket of Solitude later for a rousing game of quail-chess.

Skeeter says he'd rather kiss a moving train. Then he laughs and says, "oh boy, what a loser."

Back in the Thicket of Solitude, Quailman wonders why everyone is acting weird, almost like Dr. Klotzenstein. And because Quaildog is really concerned about the apparent problem, he's watching tv.

I love Doug's obsession with things happening on tv. Turns out this show is hosted by Dr. Klotzenstein!

It quickly becomes obvious to Quailman that Dr. Klotzenstein is using his popular gameshow to hypnotize people. OH NO! He's got Quaildog!

Quailman announces (to no one I guess...) that he must use the grace and speed of the quail!

He whistles the quail call and blows up the tv.

This is what the grace and speed of quails will get you.

Anyway, it works.

Quaildog is free from the hypnosis. Now they must fly to the tv studio to free all of the Klotzoid zombies from the evils of junk food!

Oh no!

Dr. Klotzenstein has even gotten Mr. Bone to be a contestant!

And the YO guy! How dare he hypnotize the YO guy!?

Quailman and Quaildog show up to save the day, but when they announce their presence, Dr. Klotzenstein just asks them if they've ever been on tv, and then offers to let them play the game.

This is Quailman using the intelligence of the quail. He accepts the offer to be on tv and they are strapped to the wheel of snacks!

That grin is awesome. Dr. Klotzenstein pulls the lever to make the wheel spin and then makes a comment about how he can take over the world now that Quailman is out of the way! Brilliant. You've got him shackled down. Just chop his head off and prepare him for dinner in whatever way people prepare quail. You can't just leave him spinning forever. Surely he's going to find a way to escape.

Well the only thing that isn't strapped down is Quaildog's quail-tail! Quick, Quaildog! Use it!

Well that's good. You managed to stop the spinning, but you're still shackled down...

Oh...right. Okay then...

Since Dr. Klotzenstein sees none of this, they escape fairly easily and quickly. So naturally the fly off to the beet store, buy a shitload of them, and fly back in an instant to pour them on Dr. Klotzenstein.

This is perhaps a combination of rickets and ducking.

Quailman throws beets to all of the people in the crowd!

They're free from the hypnosis! The power of the beet! Also, I don't think beets are one of those things you can just jam a straw in and drink. Quailman makes a comment about beets being natures candy, and then that's it. He's saved the day.

But...he didn't actually defeat Dr. Klotzenstein. He just dumped a bunch of beets on him. That's like...mildly annoying at best. Are you going to have him arrested, or destroy his tv equipment or anything so he can't just do this again right after you leave?



No? Okay, it's your story, Doug. Whatever. And that's the end of the Quailman fantasy. Inspired by his own writing, Doug decides to confront Roger about stealing his friends. He wants to know why everyone was invited over after school except him.

Roger invites him in to talk about it, but it's dark. Doug can't see anything. Roger turns on the light.

Thaaaat's right. Roger is throwing him a surprise party for the one year anniversary of the day he moved to Bluffington. Doug is quite surprised Roger is hosting this thing. To keep up appearances, Roger says "it's not like we're getting married" and then does the old "you got something on your shirt" trick.

Oh, and here's a cake. HAVE SOME FUCKING CAKE, DOUG!

So Doug is an asshole, right? I've always thought that Roger wants to be friends with everyone, but he just doesn't know how to make friends. He's got rickets. He's poor. His parents probably treat him like shit. He picks on the people he likes. Who doesn't do that sometimes? We only see Roger through Doug's journal, so we only see Roger through the exaggerations of a delusional psychotic. After this episode, I think it's fair to assume Roger has never been as bad as Doug portrays him.

This is one of my favorite episodes because 90% of the episode is a fantasy where Doug imagines Roger is pure evil, and all of his friends are idiots that were easily controlled by that evil. They call him a loser and just dump on him throughout. Then after the fantasy, you find out that Doug is really just an asshole. His friends aren't going to the dark side, and his enemy is actually just a nice guy trying to do a nice thing.