Saturday, April 23, 2011

Episode 24, Part 2: Doug Goes Hollywood

J.B. Spiggot, big Hollywood director, is rumored to be looking for a new face to star in his next big movie. The episode starts off with a few people in Bluffington seeing his limo, blatantly labeled with "BIG SHOT Productions J.B." on the side, and then immediately calling everyone they know to spread the news.

Roger's conversation is about how J.B. Spiggot is in town to meet him. Patti's conversation is about someone telling her she has a fresh new face that would be great for Spiggot's movies. Mr. Bone's conversation is about him telling someone he calls "shnookums" and "sugarmuffin" that she would be perfect for the part. I'm hoping Patti is not talking to Mr. Bone.

So Doug and his father (Phil. Remember him? He so rarely shows his face in Doug's life...) are throwing a baseball back and forth when the limo drives by, stops, backs up, and Spiggot and his little assistant get out to talk to Doug.

They look at Doug in that cliche way directors look at shit, framing it with their hands, and then have a mumbled conversation.

People from Hollywood are just rude. They were having a nice day, throwing the ball around, when some jackass and his yes man got in the way and stared at them like zoo exhibits, without ever introducing themselves or anything. Finally, the yes man walks over to Doug and says, "Mr. Spiggot thinks you've got something special there. What's the name?"

Doug looks at Phil as if for permission, then introduces himself and Porkchop. Fuck you, dad.

The yes man confers with Spiggot again and they agree that he is perfect, then he takes a picture and hands Doug a card.

This is what McG's business cards look like, except you have to imagine that it's in the trash.

So Doug has no idea who J.B. Spiggot is. He wonders if anyone has heard of him, and naturally wanders over to the big J.B. Spiggot-related meeting outside city hall to ask Patti, Skeeter and Roger about him. Skeeter reminds Doug of the movies he's done, a trilogy of movies called "Wafflestomper," "The Revenge of Wafflestomper" and "Wafflestomper Strikes Again in 3D." Doug loved those movies. Now he's imagining he's the next Wafflestomper!

Roger and his goons are the bad guys and they've kidnapped Patti.

It's up to Wafflestomper to save her, of course. He comes in and he's just a regular dude with huge shoes with a waffle pattern on the soles. He kicks through the door, says a few things, stomps to make some boxes fall on the goons, and grabs Roger before he can get away. Roger calls him a big, funny baboon. Wafflestomper quips, "Ouch. You burned me." And the audience cheers!

Yeah, this fantasy has an audience, and they are fucking morons that are impressed by "Ouch. You burned me." More of his fantasies need an audience like this.

Ok, so Spiggot and his assistant finally arrive while the mayor is still talking. They push him out of the way mid-sentence (more rudeness) and the yes man announces to the crowd that they are indeed looking for a new star in Bluffington. They want to see everyone acting naturally so they can judge appropriately.

At home, Doug goes to Judy to tell her Spiggot already chose him for the part, but he overhears her conversation with a friend talking about how much she wants the part. She hangs up and, without acknowledging that he has entered the room, walks over to the mirror and says, "if I don't get this part...I'll just die."

Earlier in the episode, she was having a conversation with her friends about what a terrible, cliche director Spiggot is. Now her life depends on getting the part. So, she's just a phony with emotional problems. Doug decides he shouldn't tell her.

Outside, something strange is starting to happen.

Mr. Dink heard the movie was going to be a superhero movie, Skeeter heard it was going to be a space movie, and Roger heard it was going to be a monster movie, so they've all dressed for the part. I feel like this could be Doug's take on religion. There's some big shot with the key to a better life, and everyone has picked their own rumor to run with hoping it's the right one when all that's been said is that they should just be themselves.

Anyway, they're all headed down to the mall because Spiggot is apparently shopping today. Mr. Dink gives them a ride.

The mall is a circus.

I love the store Cheap Cheese and wish it was real. Everyone in the mall is overacting, and being just as presumptuous about the whole thing as Skeeter, Roger and Dink. Judy comes in and makes her own big, embarrassing scene. Doug decides it's time to tell her.

At home he asks her what if she didn't get the part and someone else she knew did, like himself. She laughs. And laughs. And laughs. He again decides against telling her because "if I tell her, it would ruin her life forever." And another fantasy.

Big time actor Doug Funnie is walking down the street with a huge entourage. They're walking to the theater to see the latest Doug Funnie movie, because that's all they're playing apparently.

They walk by the posters so we can see what kinds of films the theater is playing. They are Dougsy, D.F., A Funnie Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, The Good The Bad and The Dougly, Douginator 2, Dougbo, and Paws. Stupid Doug. That's not how movie titles work. They don't shoehorn the most famous actor's name into the title. The only one here that works is Paws, which is just Jaws starring Porkchop and Doug.

And Judy is a street performer, making cats dance for spare change. Doug acknowledges her enough to throw some change in her hat, but neither of them acknowledge that they are brother and sister. So, Doug imagines that he's a pretty big asshole here. Not only has he stolen his sister's dream, but he's also completely written her out of his life and now that she's basically a beggar on the streets, his only help is some spare change. There's no using the money he made from the Douginator movies to help her out. No using his big name to get his sister some parts in his movies. No...if he sees her on the street, he'll see what he's got in his pockets. This is what fame will make of Doug, and he doesn't like it.

Again, the entire town has a meeting because it's time to find out who has been chosen to be world famous. Spiggot's assistant gets up and and says, "the new you!" Then he points at Doug. Doug quickly apologizes and says he can't and the yes man says, "not you! You!"

That's right! Apparently all they're casting for is a dog food commercial. The town is so upset they scream "a dog food commercial!?" in unison. Roger asks what they wanted to see everyone for if they were just looking for a dog. And finally J.B. Spiggot speaks for himself, in the nerdiest voice possible, with "well...somebody's gotta open the can." The crowd rushes the stage. Not out of anger. They want the part. Still.

Judy got to open the can in the commercial. All you can see is her arms. Everything went back to normal, but Doug is worried that the commercial went to Porkchop's head a little bit.

Everything still seems normal here. Everything Doug has told us about Porkchop leading up to this point makes it seem like this is totally within the realm of his character with or without the commercial. Unless he means the shirt. Yeah...we never really see Porkchop wearing a shirt, I guess. But relaxing, sipping on what I can only assume is some sort of booze...I assumed he already did this.

It's weird. For an 11 year old, Doug sure does rub elbows with famous people a lot. You know how many famous people I bumped into in my small town when I was 11? None. Doug has met The Beets (twice), Sky Davis, the host of the show Kiddie Koral, art critic Werner Schnozel, and now J.B. Spiggot. Truly amazing luck. I mean, I always dreamed of meeting my favorite bands, athletes, film directors, and Bozo the Clowns. I just never wrote in my journal that it happened.

It always happens the same way for Doug too. Sky Davis sat down next to Doug on some random bench. Why? Sky Davis just happened to be walking through Bluffington and needed to sit down? The Beets just pulled up at the Honkerburger and danced with him? J.B. Spiggot was driving down his street and had to stop to see his amazing dog! Thank god that search for the anthropomorphic dog is over! This boy, who I hear is friends with The Beets, has a dog that can basically speak and loves to dance! We better be vague about our intentions from the beginning, lest the boy go a few days without having dreams of being famous!

(One last reminder about the facebook page...for now)


  1. "I feel like this could be Doug's take on religion. There's some big shot with the key to a better life, and everyone has picked their own rumor to run with hoping it's the right one when all that's been said is that they should just be themselves."


  2. I think the best I had when I was 12 was being in a Kmart Plaza back in 1990 and finding a tour bus belonging to the group "Starship" ("We Built This City", "Sara") that was parked there. The best I got out of that little experience is a torn-off memo paper featuring their signatures to prove it!


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