Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Episode 9, Part 2; Doug Needs Money

This wonderful episode begins with Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop practicing some softball. I find it a bit weird that they're apparently playing softball when the ball is baseball-sized and Skeeter is pitching overhand. But then, Doug's a weird kid. When he misses a pitch, he really misses.

It might help if he kept his eyes open...

Missing that first pitch makes him spin to the ground and see birds in typical cartoon fashion. Porkchop, somehow playing catcher here, throws the ball back to Skeeter for round two. Skeeter makes a comment about how cool it was that Doug missed and spun around, and asked if he could be taught such a cool move. Seriously. Why does Doug lie to his journal like this?
Doug miraculously hits Skeeter's second pitch.

Look at it go. That's probably going to go into the neighbor's yard...

Oh shit. It's headed right at Mr. Dink's custom, special order grill that's made to look like his face! OH NO!

Smashed. Mr. Dink wasn't home at the time, so he didn't know who smashed his prized possession. Doug imagines what will happen when he tells Dink that he smashed his grill (on accident).

Look at him. Who could get mad at that? It was an accident, and he clearly feels terrible about it.

FUCK YOU, DOUG! I'M GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO A GREEN WEREWOLF MONSTER BECAUSE I'M SO PISSED YOU BROKE MY GRILL! This is a fantasy Doug has about a man he just saw weeping over a broken grill. This also seems to be a genuine concern of Doug's. I mean...what if Mr. Dink actually turns into a monster once he finds out the truth? OMG, Doug, you better not tell him you did it!
So, fearing Big Green Dink, Doug, Porkchop, and Skeeter decide to go into business to buy a new grill for Mr. Dink, who now has no grill for his big annual barbecue party. Starting a business means fantasy time for Doug.

Right, a car wash. This fantasy goes on and they get interviewed for tv because they own the most successful car wash of all time. They use this tv news interview as an opportunity to unveil the new wing of their business.

That's right; ship and airplane wash! Interesting. So many things wrong with this fantasy.
While they're waiting to wash their first car, Mr. Dink and his wife stop by on a tandem bike and encourage them in their business and remind them that he is still way too upset about his fucking grill. Then they finally have a customer. It was their only customer as car washers. It was Dale.

And what does an idiot child pay for his car wash with? You're probably thinking he paid them handsomely with gold doubloons, right?

Wrong. Those are Poopsi bottle caps, bitch. Fucking POOPSI! Pepsi's horrible knock off sells fantastically in Bluffington, where a name like Poopsi isn't a deterrent.
So they made 4 bottle caps washing cars and gave up. Fortunately Skeeter has a better idea. They'll rake leaves! Doug can see it now...

Yeah, that's how it's going to be. Easy as shit. You'll literally be raking in the money. This fades to them raking up a big ass pile of leaves and being exhausted. Skeeter's dad comes outside to pay them (why are the Valentines the only ones that will hire these idiots?) when Dale runs and jumps into the leaves, destroying the pile. Mr. Valentine refuses to pay them now. This is not how businesses work, sir. Mr. Dink drives up and asks how business is going, and again reminds them of how emotionally attached he was to a fucking grill.
So still, they're only up 4 bottle caps, and now they've given up on raking leaves. There's this weird moment here where they're standing defeated on the sidewalk when Porkchop barks. Twice. Doug replies, "Porkchop's right. We can't let Mr. Dink down." Oh, is Porkchop right Doug? Is that what he said? It sounded like he just barked. You know, like a dog. But if you say that he said something about not letting Mr. Dink down, I'll take your word for it. Time for other odd jobs.

This isn't bad. Surely they made a few dollars walking Andy Warhol's dogs. For some reason Porkchop is marching in front without a leash. That simple fact turns this simple dog-walking scheme into a big mind fuck. It's still way better than Skeeter's odd job.

A balloon blowing service? I see Dale is a customer again. Doug may be a crazy asshole, but at least he's not fucking retarded. Have you learned nothing from today, Skeeter? Kids try to pay for shit with Poopsi bottle caps. You're 11 and have no money, but you're trying to make money. Do you think kids younger than you are likely to have more money than you, and therefore will gladly splurge on a fucking idiot that will blow up a balloon for them? Please think your shit through, Skeeter. This is almost as bad as when you wanted to be head astronaut on student government day.
They regroup at the Honker Burger to see how much money they've made. Turns out they've made $11.57. Terrible. Just terrible. Doug points out that this doesn't even cover expenses. They've actually lost $9.50 after they bought the sponge, car soap (which again, they only used on a small child...), rakes, and cardboard for their useless signs. They are just terrible businessmen, but then you have to consider that two of them are 11 year old boys, and one of them is a dog. Roger comes along just in time to overhear Doug say something about confessing to Mr. Dink.

He gladly points out that they'd be stupid to confess. Mr. Dink doesn't know they did it. Why bother? Roger's a jackass, as usual. Doug has another vision of what Mr. Dink will be like when they tell him.

Goddammit Doug, again? The nicest, most materialistic guy you know, a guy who literally cries every time he thinks about his smashed grill, is not going to turn into a raging monster when you tell him. They tell him...

Look. No monster. In fact, he starts crying because he realizes they've been working hard to try to pay him back. He's very touched that they were worried about his feelings so much. And immediately, he has a plan.

Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop are going to work odd jobs for Mr. Dink all summer to pay him back for the grill, starting with the barbecue party. They borrowed the grill from Phil Funnie. Look at this...

What you don't see in that picture is that Doug flipped the burger onto the bun being held by Porkchop, who then puts the hamburger on the guy's plate. This is not acceptable. Porkchop's anthropomorphization is just getting ridiculous. In this episode he's worn a baseball glove, thrown a baseball, helped bathe a kid in car soap, raked leaves, lead a group of dogs as though it were a marching band, served food at a party, and said specific things to Doug through barks. This is surely a sign that Doug's grasp on reality is deteriorating.
At the party, Doug serves Patti a burger.

She says she likes her burgers rare with lettuce, pickles, and... "Mayonnaise," Doug asks. He gives her none of these things and she seems content with just having a chunk of undercooked hamburger on her plate. Perhaps it's a metaphor for their relationship at this point.
And so, my favorite extra in this episode is clearly the idiot who had no problem accepting a hamburger from the paws of a dog. I mean...look at this guy?

What the fuck is going on with this guy?

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