This is an excellent episode, with several terrific psychotic fantasies by a panicked Doug. It starts with Porkchop dancing to an awful rap song about dogs. Doug asks him to use his headphones so he can write in his journal, but there's a problem; Doug can't find his journal. You may remember this episode as the one where Doug goes around yelling at people that it's not a diary; it's a journal. A quick look around the room gets Doug worried.
He starts looking elsewhere in the house, and asks Judy if she's seen it. He also threatens to beat her up if she reads it, so that's good. Violence will certainly be the answer you're looking for, Doug.
Judy tells him to sleep on it. Maybe in the morning he'll remember where he left it. For some reason, this calms him down and he goes to sleep. Psychotic nightmare time!
Oh no, his journal must be at the dump, on the conveyor belt that leads to the giant metal shoe garbage smasher! This will certainly be traumatic for the collection of papers bound in a red binder, aka Doug's Journal.
It is begging for its life. Pleading with Doug to not be destroyed and left in the dump. I've had some really strange dreams, but I don't think I've ever given a shit about the feelings of an inanimate object as much as Doug. Seriously, his nightmare is about how the journal must feel because he left it behind somewhere? Really, Doug? That's just fucking crazy. It completely overshadows your ridiculous idea of how landfills work. Moving on. Doug wakes up and states that going to sleep was a bad idea. Totally. It would've been so much better for your mental health if you'd stayed up all night worrying about who might be reading your journal, and whether your journal feels betrayed. He decides to retrace his steps from yesterday. He does this by literally walking backwards.
It's hard to tell from a still picture, so you'll have to trust me that he actually is walking backwards. He runs into Skeeter, fills him in and, and gets some more company.
Yes, they are still walking backwards. They make it to the Honker Burger, and instead of going in and looking around they just talk to the drive through box.
Skeeter has that shocked look about him because the speaker moves like a mouth in Doug's crazy world.
The people at the Honker Burger haven't found it. This is just bad investigating and really poorly retracing his steps. Yesterday, did he just order drive through (on foot), or did he go inside, sit down, have a meal, talk with people, and stay awhile? Sure, the woman on the speaker says no one found it, but maybe they haven't looked everywhere carefully yet? Best to go inside and investigate further, Doug. Just to be sure. No? Oh, you're just going to go to the library? Ok, fine. It could be there...
Dumbass Doug asks the librarian if anyone had found a book there yesterday and gets a smartass answer. No one found his journal. So then they head to school. It must be there, and the thought that someone at school might have read it freaks Doug out.
He walks in and sees everyone is laughing and having a good time. This is Doug's best friend, Paranoia, taking over. He assumes everyone has probably already read it and they are laughing at him. And so we get a quick glimpse of his paranoid thoughts.
Beebe mentions that she read Doug thought he got his first pimple but it turned out to be a mosquito bite.
Roger says he heard Doug is afraid of taking the garbage out after dark
Mr. Bone says Doug thinks Mr. Bone's ears wiggle when he gets mad. This will be added to Doug's PERMANENT RECORD!
Isn't this all just wonderful? These are actual facts about Doug that he's worried others will find out and reveal. AND he's worried the assistant principal is going to join in the humiliating gossip of a student. There's also the issue of skin color. I think these paranoid thoughts where 3 characters have darker skin colors and different hair colors than they usually do further proves that Doug sees skin and hair color in whatever fucked up way his mind interprets it. Right now, he's extremely paranoid and sees them a bit darker than usual.
Anyway, Ms. Wingo notices something is wrong with Doug and asks him what's up.
He tells her. Her first thought is that lots of great writers have been discovered this way. Finally Doug gets a positive fantasy from this whole thing. Sort of.
So maybe Doug will become a pretentious, critically acclaimed author because a publisher found the journal of an 11 year old psychopath. At his fantasy signing, some reporter says, "I noticed you write a lot about people you know!" His response proves he is a genius.
"Yes, I like to write about people I know. Gives it that "people-I-know" feeling."
How about that? Ms. Wingo goes away and takes Doug's positive thoughts with her. An encounter with Patti is next. What if she finds out what is written in the journal? It would be the worst thing ever if she found out that he actually really liked her. The horror! He fills her in on his current misery (pretty rare for him to let this many people know (especially Patti) why he's acting crazy this time, but this is the only time he thinks they can help) and she gets him back in bed with Negative Nancy. Basically the same old "what if someone read your most private thoughts" shit. She walks away and Doug spins like a newspaper...and also fades into the newspaper because it's fantasy time!
Skeeter wakes him from this nightmare and he's standing frozen. Like this...
This is not good. He's getting much worse than usual. Time for the old standard.
Don't try to call that phone number. It's fake.
At home he tries writing on other forms of paper, to fill the void.
"Dear multi-colored loose leaf paper"
"Dear toilet paper, It's me, Doug." I can't believe this didn't work. It's all paper. I don't know why he would try to write on toilet paper (if multi-colored paper in a binder similar to your journal doesn't work, why would paper you wipe your ass with work?).
The phone rings and Judy answers it. Someone at the Honker Burger found his journal. Remember how he lazily investigated that place? Fucking dumbass. Turns out Roger found it. Oh shit. Fantasy time again...
Fuck yeah. Time for some hilarious stand-up comedy. Roger starts out with a great zinger, read straight from the journal.
"Today, I thought I grew hair under my arms, but it turned out to be just grass from mowing the yard!"
Whoa! Can he say that? Here comes another zinger!
"Dear Journal, don't tell anyone, but I ripped the seat out of my pants yesterday, and had to staple it back together!"
What a riot. Go on...
"Did you know Funnie is allergic to mustard, but absolutely loves mayonnaise? Patti Mayonnaise! Oooooh!"
How's the crowd liking this?
If Doug kept up with this fantasy, Roger would end up with his own HBO special. Again, I feel it's necessary to point out that this is presumably all true about Doug. I don't know how he could confuse grass for hair, but it must be in his journal if he's thinking Roger is going to read it straight from his journal. Unfortunately, it's time to find out how much Roger knows about Doug...
Turns out, Roger didn't read it. He couldn't. No, it's not because he's illiterate. Doug's handwriting is just unreadable.
Well thank god for that. I'll just take that glowing journal...
Whoa, Doug! Cool it with the visual hallucinations already.
So Doug got his journal back with no problems. All that freaking out for nothing. Again. Porkchop returns to his rap about dogs, with his headphones on. He break dances and gets all tangled up.
SHIT PORKCHOP CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO WRITE IN MY JOURNAL!