Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Episode 9, Part 1; Doug's Big Catch

And so we begin in the middle of a fishing fantasy.

Doug and Porkchop are helping Mr. Dink catch a huge fish that is dragging their boat wherever it feels like going. No fantasy is complete without ridiculous constumes.

Perfect. So what is this all about, Doug?
Well, it seems that Bluffington has a big annual Bass Off. Mr. Dink asked Doug to join him this year. At first Doug thought it sounded pretty boring, then Mr. Dink told him about Chester. Chester is the biggest, smartest fish ever and it happens to live in Lucky Duck Lake. 30 years ago, Chester stole Mr. Dink's Ranger Todd Buckaroo billfold. Every year since, Mr. Dink has been participating in the Bass Off to catch the fish to get revenge. He even drew a picture of the damned fish.

Doug is mildly intrigued. To secure Doug's interest, Mr. Dink says that this is no longer just fishing, it is fish warfare, and he points out all the super high tech equipment he's bought to use this year. Time for another fantasy.

Mr. Dink said nothing about a submarine.

And if he did say something about a submarine, he certainly wouldn't have made you captain. It's always about you, isn't it? In this fantasy, Mr. Dink is navigator, Skeeter is an ensign, and Porkchop is mopping the floor.

I just love that Doug's fantasy is so detailed that he knows the floor of his mind-sub is dirty and must be mopped. Clearly the most important part of fish warfare is keeping the floor clean. If the enemy fish is captured, we don't want him to think we're slobs. GET TO WORK, MOP DOG!
Obviously, the drawing of Chester and his poor interpretation of the made up term "fish warfare" convince Doug he has to help Mr. Dink. The next day, while Mr. Dink is loading up the boat, Doug goes to get some hot dogs. This is when he runs into Roger and his goons.

They start talking about crazy old Dink and Chester, and wonder what sucker Mr. Dink got to go fishing with him this year. Doug slinks away and makes his way back to the boat trying not to be seen by those obnoxious guys he hates anyway. Of course, Mr. Dink notices this change in attitude from Doug and asks if those boys were making fun of him. He gives Doug an out and says he doesn't have to go fishing if he doesn't want to. This causes Doug to think that maybe Mr. Dink really is crazy, and this causes a short, pointless vision.

So suddenly, you think he's crazy and that must mean he'll try fishing out of a barrel instead of the fucking boat he's actually sitting in? What the fuck, Doug?
Again, Doug is convinced by his fantasy and decides to join out of pity. It's not for the fact that he would have fun anyway fishing with crazy ass Mr. Dink. No, it's simple pity. Porkchop and Doug load up and they shove off.
Then Mr. Dink yells back to his wife to get her to throw him the keys. WHAT!? Loading all that equipment must've made it hard to remember the keys. She throws them, he catches, and the added weight of the keys makes the boat sink. Fishing trip over. I don't believe this Doug. There is simply no way that the slightest increase in weight caused by the keys sank the boat. What really happened, Doug?
Sitting on the dock drying off, Mr. Dink tells Doug that when he was Doug's age, he only had a safety pin and some string tied to a stick. Doug asks, "Can you really catch a fish that way?" "No. In fact, I don't think I ever really did that. I think I just saw it on tv and got mixed up." Doug and Mr. Dink are soul mates. Defeated, Mr. Dink gives up fishing forever and leaves with his wife. Doug doesn't like seeing him so down, so he gets an idea.

That's a safety pin from his pocket, one of his shoe laces, and the gum from his mouth. GENIUS! He runs to show Mr. Dink his new fishing pole!

Too late though. Mr. Dink has already given up forever. He's moved on to cotton candy. Cotton candy and soda. Doug's still not ready to give up because he's crazier than Mr. Dink, and stupid enough to believe bubble gum will be good bait, and a safety pin will be a sufficient hook. So he goes back to the dock to fish from there.

He quickly gets a bite and sees the fish. It matches the description of Chester! It's fantasy time again! This time Doug is being interviewed for tv regarding his legendary catch.

We get a glimpse of what Doug intends to do with the fish he catches.

"Hi, I'm Doug Funnie. I think people go fishing in order to catch new pets they have to keep in their tub. It never occurred to me that people either catch and release, or cook the fish they catch because I'm fucking stupid."
For some reason, his fantasy goes on to include an interview with Mr. Dink, who is introduced as the guy who gave up too soon.

Why would you even participate in this interview, you big stupid quitter? Are we going to interview everyone else who didn't catch the big ass fish too? Get the fuck out of here.
So again, on the basis of his absurd fantasy, Doug takes action. He doesn't want to be the one to bring Chester in. It has to be Mr. Dink. Doug calls to him, saying his line is snagged on something. He comes over to help, remarking that it's probably snagged on his boat. So he takes over and is almost pulled in by the fish. Porkchop and Doug help.

Well...Doug helps. I'm not sure you could say that what Porkchop is doing is helping in any way. Probably just ruining Doug's stupid vest. They pull in the fish and it is totally Chester. See!

There you have it. The 30+ year old, biggest and smartest fish ever. Fits in the palm of your hand. Triumph for Dink!

This actually upsets him more than anything. He's finally won after 30 years. He starts crying. Then the fish starts crying...

What's he going to fish for now!? He also says, "Gosh Douglas, I won't have any reason to buy more equipment!" Mr. Dink is a fucking wackjob. Just 2 minutes ago he had given up fishing forever anyway. All that expensive equipment you bought over the years and this fish was caught by some fucking gum on a shoestring. You're crying about not being able to waste more money on useless equipment now? So Doug suggests he throw the fish back. OF COURSE!

Fishermen are weird, and that fish looks like it is enjoying this a little too much. As they're walking away, Porkchop finds something.

Oh shit, it's Mr. Dink's old wallet.

His student id is still in there! He had 3 dollars in it though, so the fish must've stolen that. Why a fish would steal 3 dollars, or Mr. Dink would be so upset about it, I don't know, but it it happened. Apparently.

Lets review what Doug learned about fishing. 1. Expensive equipment doesn't help you catch fish. 2. Boats can only hold so much weight. Once they go over, they sink immediately and there is no way to prevent that. 3. Chewing gum is an excellent fishing bait. 4. Fish have big silly lips and can cry. 5. If you aren't trying to catch one specific fish that you've named and imagined a rivalry exists between you and the fish, then what's the fucking point?
We end this episode with Porkchop dressed up like Chester. He has stolen Doug's wallet and is running from him.

Who made that costume for Porkchop and put it on him?
And so again, we are left to come to the conclusion that virtually none of this really happened. Maybe there was a Big Bass Off that Doug participated in with Mr. Dink. Maybe Mr. Dink fed Doug some bullshit story about a legendary fish named Chester (btw, why Chester?). And maybe they actually went fishing and caught a fish that Dink claimed was Chester. The rest should be considered bullshit Doug made up because he still thinks fishing is boring as fuck. Who knows if he actually believes he caught a legendary (though fairly average) fish with a stick, a shoestring, a safety pin and some gum? This episode serves only to prove how skewed Doug's perception of reality is at this point. His decision making process is broken.
And now for my favorite extras.
There's this quick shot when they arrive at the Big Bass Off where this boy and girl are at the I Scream shop buying ice cream (duh). They turn and walk away and he's only bought some for himself. She's got nothing. Maybe they were meant to share all that ice cream, but he's holding it away from her and makes no move indicating that he intends to share. Dude's a pimp.

1 comment:

  1. This episode serves only to prove how skewed Doug's perception of reality is at this point.

    There are times when I wish I had that happen (now as an adult, it's nice for me to lose reality more often).


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