Episode 18, Part 2: Doug's Worst Nightmare

Naturally, we begin with a fantasy.

Roger is dragging Doug through the desert.

and the arctic.

Why is Doug so concerned with Roger blindly running across the world?

Oh shit.

The actual story begins with Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop watching a movie on tv about a giant killer beet destroying a city. The channel changes to Derek Derekson performing Shakespeare on ice. Remember Derek Derekson from the award show on ice in Doug's strange fantasy from the last episode? Yeah, he's real and his performances of Shakespeare on ice are popular enough to be on broadcast television. It's probably just PBS, but it doesn't matter. Judy has changed the channel and refuses to let Doug and Skeeter finish watching the movie they were watching. Bitch.

Eager to give up the fight, they decide to finish the movie at Skeeters. They open the door to a surprise.

What the fuck is he doing here?

Why the fuck is he wearing a tie? (Also, rickets?)

In a really creepy moment, Skeeter sniffs and takes note of the fact that he's wearing cologne. Why the fuck is he wearing cologne?

Ignoring Doug and Skeeter, Roger walks over to the living room doorway and stares at Judy.

Doug figures it out immediately. He tells Skeeter that Roger has a crush on Judy. Skeeter immediately triggers a fantasy by saying, "can you imagine what it'd be like if Roger started hanging around here?"

Roger and Judy are doing that overly mushy couple stuff and Doug asks for the banana pudding. Big mistake.


Well, what did you expect? Roger and Judy laugh.

After the fantasy, Doug and Skeeter point out that Judy is gaga over Derek Derekson. They tell Roger she only goes for high class guys who can quote Shakespeare while wearing skates. Roger leaves.

The next day at school, Roger shows up in a silly costume wearing roller blades. Roller blades have always been known as the ultimate chick magnet. Unfortunately, Roger is not very graceful and he falls down. This likely has something to do with his rickets.

Later, Roger's goons call for Doug because they need his help. Roger is freaking out in the bathroom. He's reciting shit.

I hate Greatest Hits compilations. It's always just the shit they play on the radio all the time anyway.

The goons leave, and Roger comes out to have a little talk with Funnie. He wants to know if Judy said anything about him after he left. Then Doug tries to tell him she's different/weird. Then Roger goes into crush mode with heart shaped eyes and points out that their initials are the same as Romeo and Juliet's. Doug narrates, "Now I was sure of it. Roger had gone insane!" At this point, I wish someone could've pointed out to Doug that what Roger was doing regarding Judy was not insane compared to what he does regarding Patti.

At home, Doug hears a ruckus outside his window. He looks out to see Roger playing music, reciting Shakespeare, and climbing a ladder up to a window. He tries to get Roger's attention, but fails. Too late.

That's right. Roger's at the wrong house. I don't know how he managed this. He was just at the Funnie house yesterday. I can only assume Roger suffers from night blindness, but I don't want to think he's got yet another disability. The writer's can't be that cruel. But then the other option is that he's just really fucking stupid...poor Roger.

So Doug comes out and tells him Judy isn't even home anyway. She's rehearsing or some stupid thing. Roger asks him to give her a note.

...poor Roger...

And because Doug hasn't had much fantasy time this episode, we get this really quick one.

"To deliver, or not to deliver? That is the question!"

Doug delivers. Judy reads it. It's a poem that ends by asking her to meet at the Honkerburger. The poem is mostly plagiarized from Merchant of Venice. Judy says she knows how to handle it and goes to the Honkerburger.

She does this whole monologue that I'm sure is from something but I have no idea what it is and it doesn't really matter anyway. The basic idea is "we can't be together." She overacts the fuck out of it and gets a huge round of applause from the people at the Honkerburger. Then she leaves.

Doug and Porkchop were outside watching, and she walks by saying, "I told you I knew how to handle it." Then Roger comes out pissed that Doug hadn't told him how crazy Judy was. Well, actually Roger. He did try to tell you.

He shoves the hat onto Doug, and the flowers and glasses into his hands and leaves. The end.

And so what we have here is not really Doug's worst nightmare. Doug's worst nightmare would be if Judy had actually liked Roger and they started dating. It's strange, typical Doug behavior that he automatically assumed Judy would go for it. He at least realized that Roger's not really her type. And then when Roger adopted the Shakespeare act, Doug went back to assuming Judy would fall for it. Doesn't know his own sister.

And this whole episode he's either laughing at Roger's insanity or pitying him for it. Yet, at least Roger is actively pursuing his crush. Roger had a crush on Judy for 2 days. He quickly asked her out and got rejected. Then he moved on because he saw that she wasn't really what he wanted. Roger isn't insane. He's got a crush. That's normal.

On the other hand, Doug has had a crush on Patti for over a year. He has progressed only in driving himself crazy. He's had complete psychotic breakdowns because he doesn't have the balls Roger has. Poor Doug...

Episode 18, Part 1: Doug's on Stage

Everyone is excited because today is the day when the cast list for Bluffington's annual Founder's Day Pageant gets posted. Skeeter gets to play the founder of Bluffinton, Thadeus Bluff! Doug points out and laughs at Roger because he has to play the front half of Grendel the Brave Horse. Then he notices who has to play the back half.

Not so funny now, is it Doug? At least Roger isn't the horse's ass.

And then Doug and Skeeter notice that Judy is going to direct the pageant. Doug takes this news worse than the news that he had to be the back half of a horse. You would think Doug would quit the pageant at this point. He's got a shitty role, and his crazy sister is directing it and all he can think about is how she's going to embarrass him. Why does he show up to the first rehearsal?

It's so he can have this amazing fantasy about how Judy will embarrass him.

The fantasy begins with Judy telling everyone to take it from the top. Then she says, "oh, by the way, Dougie. You left these in the bathroom this morning."


Then she shoots them onto Doug's head as everyone swirls around, laughing at him.

Doug doesn't know his sister at all. Yes. It's possible that she would embarrass him during the rehearsals and pageant. However, she has never been the type to embarrass him in this manner. This is more Roger's style of embarrassment. If Judy was going to embarrass Doug, it would be by having a complete emotional breakdown that reveals how psychologically unstable the Funnie kids are. That's what he needs to worry about.

Anyway Judy walks on stage dressed and acting like an old lady in need of help and reveals the disguise when Doug offers her help. Everyone applauds. Then she tells everyone to throw away their scripts because she's changing everything. This makes everyone happy, especially Doug. It means he won't be a horse's ass (in the pageant...every day life...debatable).

Judy's announcement causes another great fantasy from Doug.

"And now, presenting the award for best director of a school pageant, here's world famous experienced figure skating person, Derek Derekson."

Ignoring the terribly worded introduction that Derek Derekson received...why is he skating to the podium? Is this a reference to some early 90's award show that for some reason took place on ice? More on this in a minute.

Anyway, Derek Derekson announces that Judy Funnie is of course the winner!

WHY!? Judy comes out, thanks them, but then quickly gives all credit to Doug. It is his fantasy after all...

Again. WHY!? This is one of Doug's more absurd fantasies. If the guy presenting an award is a world famous figure skater, then he's probably always wearing his ice skates. And that means the stage must be ice. So that means Judy has to be wearing ice skates. And then Doug too! Of course! Why did Doug fantasize that this whole awards show would take place on ice and that everyone would just have to accommodate one guy who was merely presenting an award? Why didn't he just fantasize that someone relevant to stage productions was presenting the award? World famous Tony award-winning director Gerald Gutierrez! There! Now there's no need for ice skates. Doug just wanted to fantasize that he was ice skating, I guess.

Moving on. Doug and Skeeter are practicing Skeeter's lines. Skeeter is still the founder of Bluffington, but now he's an astronaut.

This annoys Skeeter's father. A lot. He calls the mayor!

...who teams up with Mr. Bone...

...to fire Judy. Mr. Bone takes over and restores the pageant to the traditional, boring bunch of bullshit where Doug is a horse's ass.

It's opening night. Boomer looks pissed that he has to be a tree. He does actually have lines, so he's at least not the back half of a horse. I don't know why the trees have lines, but they do.

Everyone is enthusiastic about the traditional pageant. The man sitting next to Mr. Bone taking notes (Mr. Bone incorrectly assumes it is the critic from the local paper) gets up and goes back stage to reveal his true identity. He's Judy.

Judy tells them to ditch this boring shit and tells Doug to get his bongos.

Skeeter gets his astronaut uniform and kazoo...

And they finish out the show with a strange beatnik sort of song where Roger is dressed as a pot roast, his goons are dressed as peas, and nothing makes any sense whatsoever. The crowd loves it.

There's nothing else to say, really.

I uploaded Judy’s part of the pageant, but it has already been blocked by viacom. I didn’t feel like describing it. Oh well. Skeeter is swinging around from the ceiling. Roger is dressed as a pot roast with a gang of peas. Beebe is dressed as a fork. Patti is dressed as an angel or something. What part of what we're shown was actually a part of Judy's rewrites and how much of it was filtered into nonsense about pot roast and peas and forks and astronauts by Doug who doesn't really understand his sister and doesn't care to understand her? I'm sure Judy's rewrites were insane enough. She's a Funnie. But what did Doug lazily describe to us? Or what did he add or change in his journal entry to make it more interesting? These are the questions we'll never have answers to.

That doesn't matter though, because Judy's version of the pageant was amazing. Just look at this bliss!

The Count's wife moved to Bluffington after the divorce, and his son just tries to blend in.

Episode 17, Part 2: Doug Meets Fentruck

Like nearly all episodes of Doug, we begin with a fantasy. This time Doug is an old west sheriff, sitting at the bar in a saloon with a carton of moo moo milk.

Everyone else has run to the hills because some dangerous stranger has come into town for a showdown with Sheriff Doug! This will certainly be relevant to Doug's real life crisis...

So at school, everyone is dressed in weird costumes that involve silly hats and bowls of fruit worn as hats.

Roger's playing the old "where's Doug? Has anybody seen Doug?" routine to get laughs. Everyone laughs.

Oh, why are they wearing this shit? They're getting a foreign exchange student and Mr. Bone made them dress in the new student's traditional clothes. He also teaches them their traditional greeting.

The traditional greeting involves saying "zwooba zwooba zwooba" while making armpit farts. This new student is from the wonderful country Yakostonia.

Anyway, the new student walks up and says "Greetings to you! My heart is spongy with happiness. I am so delighted for you to see you...me!" Hardly the traditional Yakostonian greeting there, Fentruck. Oh, yeah...his name is Fentruck.

Beebe and one of the girls I'm not sure was ever named giggle and say he's cute and has a dreamy accent.
Later Roger introduces himself and says that there's a tradition that the new kid has to buy him lunch. Then he leaves without being much of a dick.

Doug sees it and helps out before any kicking happens.

Fentruck is pleased he is meeting so many new friends. He invites Doug over to Mr. Bone's after school, because that's where he's staying. Fentruck and Mr. Bone are members of the International Organization of Yodelers. They sponsored his trip to Bluffington for some reason.

So the reason Fentruck wanted Doug to come over was because he needed help writing a letter.

It begins strong. "Hi yellow-haired girl who sits in front of me,"

Doug is impressed. It's only been a day and he's already got his eye's on a girl. "But who was it? Shouldn't be too hard to figure out." Doug has to work through this for some reason.

I like that he focuses on the "sits in front of me part" and not the "yellow-haired" part. It would be too easy to narrow it down to one person if he just went by hair color. Also, this sort of reinforces my theory about Doug and how he sees color. Oh shit...

Patti always uses the fog machine and stage lights. It just makes her entrances more dramatic. She sits down and Fentruck flirts with her. It's great. Then the real Fentruck has to rock Doug's chair to wake him from this crazy fantasy.

Oh, right. Shit, Doug. Fentruck from Yakostonia is moving in on your girl. Well...not your girl. A girl you like but are too scared to do anything about. Still! What are you going to do!? He wants you to help him write her a letter!

Doug tells him he doesn't have time to work on it now, so maybe he should take it home to finish it. As thanks, Fentruck gives him a jar of air from the top of some mountain in Yakostonia.

At school the next day, Doug is wondering how he's going to tell Fentruck that he can't write the letter. Then Fentruck walks up and says, "Hurry Doog (that's how he pronounces it with his dreamy accent), if we are to be picking lab partners." Then Doug worries that he'll pick Patti to be his lab partner. After that, they'll probably get engaged, then married, then they'll have kids and name them all Doug just to fuck with him.
Roger and his goons walk up and laugh at Fentruck's accent.

The rickets situation is getting a lot better. Boomer has the best line here. "Yeah, but the girls like his accent."

HAHAHA! GIRLS LIKE YOUR ACCENT, YOU STUPID FOREIGNER! I BET YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT ACCENT, HUH!?

Anyway, this gives Doug a brilliant idea. He'll put on a fake accent.

Doug and Fentruck are sitting at different tables when Patti walks in.

For fuck's sake, Doug. When are you going to realize this kind of vision is not normal. Get medication.

Doug puts on his best French accent as Patti gets closer and closer.

"Patti...would you be ze lab partner of et moi?" He goes on with other French shit. He's saying this shit out loud, and Patti completely ignores him.

Patti walks right up to Fentruck and asks to be his lab partner. Doug gets partnered up with Roger because he's the only one left.

After school Doug tries to do the whole "I have this friend, who isn't me" routine that only happens in tv and movie to explain the situation to Skeeter. Skeeter falls on the ground because of how confusing Doug is being with his problem.

Seriously. Skeeter tells Doug that he should just tell Fentruck how he feels about Patti. How simple. Why don't you tell Patti too, while you're at it?

The next day, Doug is walking into school.

"This was it. The showdown. It was either gonna be him or me. And it wasn't gonna be me."
And after walking through the front doors, we are taken back to his old west fantasy.

"Hey, hombre! I'm callin' you out!"
"Are you talking to me, fair and good sheriff Doog?"
"You know who I'm talkin' to, dude! And you better saddle your horse and get if you know what's good for ya!"
"What means you?"
"I said 'get!'"
"'Get? Get'...what means this 'get,' Doog?"

And on that last line, Doug fades back into reality.

Pretty awesome how Doug is bullying foreigners old west-style. Pretty troubling that he slips in and out of reality like this.

Doug clarifies. "It means I can't write your letter for you and you better get someone else."

When Fentruck asks why, Doug explains that he also has the same feelings for the girl that sits in front of him.
Then Fentruck asks him how he knows his sister. Because apparently in Yakostonia they have this idiotic expression where they say an older sibling sits in front of them. See?

Other cultures are stupid. When I write a letter to someone (never happened), I use that person's name, because a vague description of them is idiotic. Yellow-haired girl that sits in front of me? What the shit is that? Doug should be pissed. Also, why was it necessary for Doug's help anyway? He said he wanted the letter in English, but why? Unnecessary. And what was the letter going to be about? It would've been terribly embarrassing if Doug had written a love letter confession from Fentruck to his sister, but Fentruck gave him no details regarding the contents of the letter. All he had was the greeting for the letter. If you need help with the grammar, write the fucking letter and ask Doug to help you fix parts that are grammatically incorrect. This is the craziest way to write your sister a letter.

At the realization that it's just a letter to his sister, this happens...

So anyway, Doug takes it back and decides to help write the letter. He comes to the conclusion that Fentruck doesn't like Patti based on no evidence at all. Patti didn't come up in the conversation, but still Doug says "so Fentruck didn't like Patti. What a relief! But did Patti like Fentruck?"

He approaches Patti who quickly tells him that she was going to ask him to be her lab partner but she decided to help Fentruck because she heard he was already helping him with the letter. This pleases Doug a lot, but just not enough for him to tell her he likes her and to ask her on a date. A real date. Not that stupid time when they went to the fair as friends, or the fucking dinner date shit. Doug wastes all of his opportunities. He sucks.
And so back in the lab Roger tries to use the Yakostonian air jar for his lab assignment.

But Doug stops him.

And he used the beaker that has some purple shit in it.

And everyone laughs at the poor kid with rickets. Thanks, Doug.