Episode 18, Part 2: Doug's Worst Nightmare

Naturally, we begin with a fantasy.

Roger is dragging Doug through the desert.

and the arctic.

Why is Doug so concerned with Roger blindly running across the world?

Oh shit.

The actual story begins with Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop watching a movie on tv about a giant killer beet destroying a city. The channel changes to Derek Derekson performing Shakespeare on ice. Remember Derek Derekson from the award show on ice in Doug's strange fantasy from the last episode? Yeah, he's real and his performances of Shakespeare on ice are popular enough to be on broadcast television. It's probably just PBS, but it doesn't matter. Judy has changed the channel and refuses to let Doug and Skeeter finish watching the movie they were watching. Bitch.

Eager to give up the fight, they decide to finish the movie at Skeeters. They open the door to a surprise.

What the fuck is he doing here?

Why the fuck is he wearing a tie? (Also, rickets?)

In a really creepy moment, Skeeter sniffs and takes note of the fact that he's wearing cologne. Why the fuck is he wearing cologne?

Ignoring Doug and Skeeter, Roger walks over to the living room doorway and stares at Judy.

Doug figures it out immediately. He tells Skeeter that Roger has a crush on Judy. Skeeter immediately triggers a fantasy by saying, "can you imagine what it'd be like if Roger started hanging around here?"

Roger and Judy are doing that overly mushy couple stuff and Doug asks for the banana pudding. Big mistake.


Well, what did you expect? Roger and Judy laugh.

After the fantasy, Doug and Skeeter point out that Judy is gaga over Derek Derekson. They tell Roger she only goes for high class guys who can quote Shakespeare while wearing skates. Roger leaves.

The next day at school, Roger shows up in a silly costume wearing roller blades. Roller blades have always been known as the ultimate chick magnet. Unfortunately, Roger is not very graceful and he falls down. This likely has something to do with his rickets.

Later, Roger's goons call for Doug because they need his help. Roger is freaking out in the bathroom. He's reciting shit.

I hate Greatest Hits compilations. It's always just the shit they play on the radio all the time anyway.

The goons leave, and Roger comes out to have a little talk with Funnie. He wants to know if Judy said anything about him after he left. Then Doug tries to tell him she's different/weird. Then Roger goes into crush mode with heart shaped eyes and points out that their initials are the same as Romeo and Juliet's. Doug narrates, "Now I was sure of it. Roger had gone insane!" At this point, I wish someone could've pointed out to Doug that what Roger was doing regarding Judy was not insane compared to what he does regarding Patti.

At home, Doug hears a ruckus outside his window. He looks out to see Roger playing music, reciting Shakespeare, and climbing a ladder up to a window. He tries to get Roger's attention, but fails. Too late.

That's right. Roger's at the wrong house. I don't know how he managed this. He was just at the Funnie house yesterday. I can only assume Roger suffers from night blindness, but I don't want to think he's got yet another disability. The writer's can't be that cruel. But then the other option is that he's just really fucking stupid...poor Roger.

So Doug comes out and tells him Judy isn't even home anyway. She's rehearsing or some stupid thing. Roger asks him to give her a note.

...poor Roger...

And because Doug hasn't had much fantasy time this episode, we get this really quick one.

"To deliver, or not to deliver? That is the question!"

Doug delivers. Judy reads it. It's a poem that ends by asking her to meet at the Honkerburger. The poem is mostly plagiarized from Merchant of Venice. Judy says she knows how to handle it and goes to the Honkerburger.

She does this whole monologue that I'm sure is from something but I have no idea what it is and it doesn't really matter anyway. The basic idea is "we can't be together." She overacts the fuck out of it and gets a huge round of applause from the people at the Honkerburger. Then she leaves.

Doug and Porkchop were outside watching, and she walks by saying, "I told you I knew how to handle it." Then Roger comes out pissed that Doug hadn't told him how crazy Judy was. Well, actually Roger. He did try to tell you.

He shoves the hat onto Doug, and the flowers and glasses into his hands and leaves. The end.

And so what we have here is not really Doug's worst nightmare. Doug's worst nightmare would be if Judy had actually liked Roger and they started dating. It's strange, typical Doug behavior that he automatically assumed Judy would go for it. He at least realized that Roger's not really her type. And then when Roger adopted the Shakespeare act, Doug went back to assuming Judy would fall for it. Doesn't know his own sister.

And this whole episode he's either laughing at Roger's insanity or pitying him for it. Yet, at least Roger is actively pursuing his crush. Roger had a crush on Judy for 2 days. He quickly asked her out and got rejected. Then he moved on because he saw that she wasn't really what he wanted. Roger isn't insane. He's got a crush. That's normal.

On the other hand, Doug has had a crush on Patti for over a year. He has progressed only in driving himself crazy. He's had complete psychotic breakdowns because he doesn't have the balls Roger has. Poor Doug...