Episode 23, Part 1: Doug on the Trail

It's time for another adventure with the Bluffscouts!

"Dear Journal,
Last weekend, I got to go on the Bluffscout canoe trip."

So, Doug didn't think to write this down the minute he got home? Or while he was camping? Seems like a good time to write.

Also, the episode starts with them paddling to the shore and unpacking their canoes. Doug decided to tell us all about his canoe trip right after the canoing was over. Anyway, they're unpacking and Scoutmaster Dink is checking off a list to make sure they have everything. This is usually the kind of thing you'd do before you left, but then I'm not a fan of the "we forgot something important? Oh well, fuck it" method of camping. Two very important items, which Doug decides to handle together are the official Bluffscout pepper mill, and the official Bluffscout navigation computer.

You know how pepper mills can be sort of crazy. Occasionally they'll just shoot a bunch of pepper in your face, causing you to sneeze and...

This can't be good.

Shit. Roger makes a joke about it and Scoutmaster Dink hands Doug a handkerchief saying, "I didn't know you were allergic to computers."

Without the official Bluffscout navigation computer, they are screwed. Scoutmaster Dink decides he must go back and get the spare computer and he leaves the senior Bluffscout in charge. Who is the senior Bluffscout?

Wait, Roger has been a Bluffscout longer than anyone else? Seriously?

Roger assigns everyone jobs. Someone is assigned to keep the flies off him. Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop are assigned to dig up his fishing bait.

Something delightful happens here that could only happen in the mind of Doug Funnie. Porkchop struggles with a worm.

Yeah, Porkchop lost that struggle. And to add insult to injury, the worm sticks out its tongue at Porkchop before squirming back into the ground. I'm sure this totally happened.

After several hours with no sign of Scoutmaster Dink, Doug and Skeeter start to worry he might've gotten lost. Doug has a fantasy about what might've happened.

So they go to Roger to ask for permission to go look for Scoutmaster Dink. They are denied permission, and are actually threatened with demotions if they go. They will be demoted down to Tendertoes! Oh my!

Naturally, they decide to say "fuck it" and go searching anyway. But first, some disguises!

Look carefully? Can you even see Doug and Skeeter through their amazing disguises? Also, I love that Porkchop has destroyed a birds' nest with hatching eggs in it for his shitty disguise. I'm sure this happened too.

Before they get to the canoes, they are stopped by Roger's three goons. The goons say they aren't allowed to take a canoe...unless they were going to go searching for Scoutmaster Dink.

They obviously discarded their disguises after that. What happened to the birds' nest? That nest was ruined for nothing.

So now that they're officially a search party, they discuss how to go about finding Scoutmaster Dink. Skeeter has his doubts.

Doug: "We'll just use our Bluffscout wilderness knowledge."
Skeeter: "Like what, Doug?"
Doug: "Well, like how moss always grows on the North side of trees."
Skeeter: "YEAH! And how to keep your cereal crunchy, even in milk!"

Look, Skeeter. If you aren't going to be any help, at least keep your fucking mouth shut.

There's a terrific fantasy here, with an amazing song played by Porkchop on the banjo about how Doug Funnie is a mountain man! Yes!

Doug clearly realized after Skeeter's cereal comment that any mountain man status would be ascribed to himself and not Skeeter.

After the fantasy, they start looking for tracks on the bank of the river. They find moose tracks and maybe deer tracks and then Doug finally points out the Dink tracks.

If Scoutmaster Dink puts up signs like this all over the place, tracking him should be easy.

They follow the footprints until they lose the trail. Skeeter, finally deciding to be helpful, points out that if they had something of Dink's, Porkchop could pick up the scent and follow that. They lament the fact that they don't have anything to use for this purpose.

Oh, but Porkchop figured it out. He noticed the handkerchief in Doug's pocket. There's a moment where Doug completely ignores Porkchop so he can think. Porkchop has to pull on his shorts and whine to get his fucking attention so they can get to the point. I'm also sure that this totally happened.

They follow the scent to a cave where Skeeter utters this horrifying line.
"Look! It's Scoutmaster Dink's official Bluffscout pants!"
Then they hear a loud roar in the cave and get scared.

Up a tree!

While in the tree they start to mourn the loss of Scoutmaster Dink. Clearly, the bear has already mauled him to death. No doubt about it. They talk about how he was the greatest Scoutmaster ever, and how Mr. Dink was their best adult friend. Then Dink chimes in.

Yeah, he's just a few branches up from them. Oh, and he's naked. So what's his story? Why is he naked? Why, if he's in a tree near the cave, didn't he warn Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop that they were about to enter a bear cave? Did he think this was some hide and seek game? They could've been killed.

"Well, without the computer I got a bit off course. Then I got the boat to shore, but my clothes were soaked, so I laid them out to dry. And when I came back, I saw a bear and ran for my life and...here I am."

Really, Scoutmaster Dink? You got a bit off course in a river? How are you a Scoutmaster? What happened to using a compass? And let me get this straight: your clothes were soaked, so you took them off...all of them...then you wandered off for a bit? I don't want to know what's really going on here, and neither do you.
Up in the tree, they tell Scoutmaster Dink what Roger's been up to, so it's time to return to camp. How are things working out for them? Well, Roger's been chased up a tree as well.

Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, and Scoutmaster Dink return just in time. They are quickly informed that Roger has consumed all of the food. No problem for Dink. He just pulls out the phone he managed to keep from the bear.

Oh right, he's still wearing the underwear made of leaves. This doesn't seem to concern anyone. With the phone he orders 18 pizzas for everyone except Roger!

Not Pictured: Enough people to consume 18 pizzas. Also, with his pants in the bear cave, and presumably with his wallet in those pants, I'm not sure how he plans on paying for 18 pizzas. If you're wondering how they're even going to deliver 18 pizzas to the woods, I've got you covered.

Best pizza place ever. You can order 18 pizzas and give a vague description of your surroundings and they'll get that pizza to you. You better believe that.

And so the Bluffscouts end their night, being served pizza by Roger. I guess it is his punishment for being such a dick.

And so, Journal, that is how Dink lost his pants on the Bluffscouts canoe trip and that's all that happened! THE END! -Doug.

Right? I mean...this is by far the most suspicious tale of Doug's.

Episode 22, Part 2: Doug Wears Tights

"Well, the Bluffington Ballet was at it again. Their annual production of The Beetcracker was just starting up."

I've never lived in a town that was so self-centered. They can't just do The Nutcracker. They have to change everything about it so it relates to the entire town's absurd obsession with beets. I really want to see the propaganda the beet farmers are laying on this town.

Anyway, at the community theater, people are signing up to work on The Beetcracker.

Skeeter wants to run the lights. I know what it looks like, with Doug being at the front of the line and all, but Skeeter still has to talk him into signing up for the crew. The girls talk about how Patti is the best dancer and she should have the lead role as the Sugar Beet Fairy. Beebe says she'd try out for the part if she was as good as Patti, but she'd rather design the costumes anyway. No one points out that she is in the wrong line.

The girls tell the guys the theater is always desperate for guys. They both decline and as Doug says he's a strictly behind the scenes guy and starts to make his move toward signing up...

Patti says, "I don't know. I bet you two look awfully cute in tights."

Doug doesn't even realize he's done it until the vampire woman directing The Beetcracker gushes with joy and announces Doug as the Beet Prince.

Porkchop is always listening to music and dancing throughout this entire episode. It would be cute if it wasn't a constant reminder of Doug's instability. Skeeter, of course, talks him into dancing too. I guess he just makes him feel better about it. He reminds him that he'll get to dance with Patti. So we get a fantasy.

In this fantasy, Doug is the most amazing dancer ever. The crowd loves him. Judy is jealous of his artistic abilities. Patti is thoroughly impressed. Yeah, Doug has made a good decision.

Back in reality, Doug is having trouble with his lessons.

All of her directions are in French and she just expects Doug to know what the fuck she's talking about. Patti finally tells him that she's just telling them to bend their legs. He tries it and can't stand back up straight. He says he's stuck!

Who has rickets now? But seriously...Doug has this much trouble with squatting slightly and he's supposed to play the Beet Prince?

Oh, and yeah...he really thinks he's stuck this way. He hops away like this.

Definitely not a crazy person...

After more practice, he starts to get the hang of it. While dancing with Patti he catches her and has another fantasy. A really simple one.

I don't know what to make of this one. They're just dancing in a gazebo in the middle of some mountains. I don't know why Doug has to imagine this. He's actually dancing with her. His fantasy here makes his situation no better or worse.

Then he sees Roger out the window.

And he has another fantasy.

Roger and his goons are all giants and just mock Doug. Not much to that one. He expects Roger to embarrass him and make him feel really small for doing ballet. Pretty straight forward fear.

Oh, and then Patti kindly lets him know that he can put her down. He caught her as part of the dance, then held her while he entertained two fantasies.

As it turns out, Roger was actually coming to try out for The Beetcracker too. He heard there was a Rat King and thought he'd be perfect for the part.

Bluffington: where everyone is obsessed with beets and the bully is just a weird kid that has trouble making friends. I mean...he has those three goons, but nobody calls their yes-men friends. He wants real friends like Doug and Skeeter.

Before the audition, Doug overhears Beebe talking to her mom. Her mom is talking about how Beebe is going to be the Sugar Beet Fairy because she's a Bluff, and they own the Bluffington Ballet and no Bluff is going to be backstage doing costumes! Doug is worried that he won't get to dance with Patti.

At the auditions, Roger gets his part. Of course. Patti does her part great. Of course. Then Beebe sabotages herself so they couldn't possibly give her the part.

Of course. She knows Patti would be the perfect dancer for the part, and she wants to do costumes.

So opening night, Bluffington shows what a strange town it is and sells out the show.

Or they hired a bunch of seat fillers. Not to shit on ballet or anything, but this is a small town production of a mangled version of The Nutcracker starring 11 year olds. It gets worse. The only roles that are mentioned are the Sugar Beet Fairy, the Beet Prince, the Rat King, and his 3 rats. Doug didn't even fill in all the blanks with the Team YO Guy or Chalky or anything. What happened to Connie? She was in line to sign up to be a dancer. She was in the same class with Doug, Patti, and Beebe. Doug never mentions what part she got or anything. Fuck you, Connie. Audiences don't want to see you dance. And Doug has never danced ballet before. He might have had 2 months of learning before the show (Doug's not really specific on how much time has passed between sign ups and the show), but he certainly hasn't had enough training for anyone to consider him a great dancer. Anyway, the point is no one is going to see this except parents, and since there are apparently only 6 kids in it, that's not many parents.

I don't like that Doug didn't have to audition. The director saw his name on the sign up sheet and gave him the part. Roger had to audition to play the Rat King. He had to audition in full costume too. Did Doug have to do that? No. He had to be talked into taking the part that would allow him to dance with Patti. And did he even take advantage of that? Couldn't he have ended this story nicely by asking her out on a date. They can go dancing somewhere. It'll be perfect. Nope. Instead he awkwardly held her for too long while obsessing about Roger. Oh well. Another missed opportunity.

As for ballet, I highly recommend you find and watch The Tales of Beatrix Potter. It's a British film from 1971 that adapts Beatrix Potter's stories into dances. The costumes are amazing and the whole film is one of the most psychotic and hilarious things I've ever seen.

See?

Episode 22, Part 1: Doug's a Big Fat Liar

Doug's school has the best dances...

"It was the day before the Bumpkin Day Hoe Down. Well, that's the one dance of the year that the girls have to ask out the boys. Betcha can't guess who I was hoping would ask me. Her initials are Patti Mayonnaise."
Doug apparently doesn't know how initials work. So, this episode starts with him waiting in the middle of the hall for Patti to walk up to him and ask him to the dance. Skeeter talks to him for a brief minute about it...

Nothing is ever said about Skeeter's date to the dance. Doug didn't think it was important to mention it in his journal. Patti walks in with Beebe and Skeeter leaves Doug alone. Before Patti reaches Doug, someone taps him on the shoulder.

Uh oh! She says he's her first choice! Instead of just kindly saying no, Doug makes up this ridiculous excuse about how he can't go because he has to stay home and take care of his sick cousin Melvin. Connie believes him, probably because she knows what a great nurse Doug is.

Of course Patti walks over right after and asks Doug to the dance. Before he can say anything, Connie relays the Melvin story and they run off together to try to find what boys are left. And of course, Doug has this fantasy.

Naturally. She couldn't go with Doug, so now she's going with 5 guys. It gets better. She says something about how she wishes she could've gone with Doug, and Roger announces that he researched Doug's family tree. At this point, he actually pulls a little tree out of his jacket and sets it down.

Probably found this at the library. I love that Doug's mental image of his family tree includes a branch that serves the purpose of pointing out that there is no Melvin in the family. Anyway, Patti is furious and the fantasy ends.

At home, Doug and Skeeter are talking about what a dumbass Doug is when the doorbell rings.

They've come to visit Melvin, the cousin they've never met. Doug and Skeeter try to think of a plan.

To be fair, they do realize this is a shitty plan pretty quickly. Normal kids wouldn't think of doing this, and even if they did, they wouldn't get so far as putting the dog in the bed with a wig on, but we're not dealing with normal kids. Judy has a better plan.

Of course! The actor in the family will play the part of Melvin. Doug is not so sure and actually almost tells the girls the truth, but they walk right past him and barge in without giving him a chance.

I love the look on Skeeter's face. The girls buy it. Judy ruins it by acting out a miraculous recovery. Patti quickly asks Melvin to the dance, which means Doug is now going to go with Connie.

She's just happy for the acting gig. Doug has a fantasy.

What is this a sub-committee of?

Ok, so...the parents, I get. I understand Mr. Bone and Ms. Wingo being there. I think the mayor of Bluffington has better things to do. And Roger? Wtf? How did he get on the Sub-Committee to Uncover Big Fat Liars?

Mr. Bone is the only one that does any talking and he ends his big interrogation by saying that Doug has "liar" written all over his face. Doug takes this literally.

He's always been one of those guys you'd have to clarify something you said with, "it's just a figure of speech."
At the Bumpkin Day Hoe Down, Melvin is a huge hit. Melvin impresses Roger by saying he used to be a roadie for The Beets, and promises him backstage passes.

None of those guys have dates. Of course, what girl would ask Roger? It's mean, but the girls are going to want to dance with their dates, and Roger's rickets probably make that impossible.

Patti calls Melvin up on stage for some stupid thing. She just wants to talk about how awesome Melvin is now that he's not sick or something. I don't know. But then they want him to give a speech. The cow will have no more of this.

Oh yeah...there's a cow on the stage, eating hay. This school really goes all out to make its dances authentic. Since the cow mistook the wig for grass, it's hard to imagine that this revelation was a shock to anyone. Imagine the horror if Melvin was real and he was just scalped by the cow the school put on stage.

So finally Doug comes clean. First, he apologizes to Patti. This is her reaction.

She doesn't give a shit. She thinks Melvin was the best dancer at the Hoe Down, and then she goes off with Judy to dance some more.

...ahem...

So next, he apologizes to Connie. She's actually a little upset with him. She says something about how all the other guys just said no, but then he lied to her! In one of Doug's quicker moments, he points out that she said he was her first choice, which means she lied to him first. This makes everything okay and then everyone dances and has a great time.

"You know what, Journal? I think lying's a bad idea. It's a whole lot more work than just telling the truth."

It's funny you should say that, Doug. Everything you say happened after your big fat lie was exposed feels like a lie. I don't think Patti was thrilled to find out you lied to her. I don't think Connie was okay with the fact that her meaningless lie meant your "I'd rather stay home and do nothing than go with you" lie was acceptable. You can't even say you lied to Connie to spare her feelings. If she hadn't been there when Patti asked you, you'd have said yes and showed up to the Hoe Down with Patti. Did you think Connie wouldn't see you there? Why don't you tell us what really happened after Melvin was revealed to be Judy?

A question I received.

Over on the tumblr version of this blog, someone asked,
"Would there possibly be any psychological explanation to...Doug's episode title openings? or the show's general intro?"

So I answered...

I've never really thought about it much, but I want to answer this. So, maybe consider this post as stretching the theme of the overall blog as far as it can go.

First, the show's intro is really just a perfect intro to the show. It tells you everything you need to know. First, Doug is writing everything you see.

You should never expect an outside perspective.

Second, some whimsical, athletic girl is occasionally going to wander into the mix.

And Doug's writing will always reflect how much he loves her.

Third, some guy with rickets will always try to ruin Doug's shit.

And fail, usually falling for the same traps that he sets for Doug.

Fourth, Skeeter will always just hang around and make an ass of himself.

And finally, Doug's writing will show you how he sees life.

Life does leave you tied up, feeling nervous and restricted if you have an anxiety disorder.

As for the episode title openings, there's one thing that's always bothered me: Doug's anger with Porkchop. You know how they go:
Light's out...

Doug sheds some light on the situation and all we see is an empty room with "DOUG" painted on the wall. Porkchop runs off and gets some paint...

And then Doug gets pissed at him and usually chases him off like so...

Sometimes he threatens to chase him off, but then doesn't and just turns off the light. It never works out though.

If this doesn't happen, it's something else. Either Porkchop comes back alone and turns off the light, or Porkchop comes back with the paint and throws it at the camera. All that matters is that it goes to black.

But anyway, the point is...why does Doug get mad and chase Porkchop for further vandalizing this invisible wall in this room of nothing? It's not like the episode titles are insulting Doug. If Porkchop painted "SUCKS" or "SHOULD DIE" under his name, I could understand.

I don't want to make the argument that these title sequences are daily psychological breakdowns that Doug has before he gets his medications from the nurse in the children's hospital, and Doug recognizes his impossibly dexterous and literate dog as a figment of his imagination and wants Porkchop to strop intruding on his life, because there's no evidence supporting that at all. But I have no problem giving you that idea anyway...