"It was the day before the Bumpkin Day Hoe Down. Well, that's the one dance of the year that the girls have to ask out the boys. Betcha can't guess who I was hoping would ask me. Her initials are Patti Mayonnaise."
Doug apparently doesn't know how initials work. So, this episode starts with him waiting in the middle of the hall for Patti to walk up to him and ask him to the dance. Skeeter talks to him for a brief minute about it...
Nothing is ever said about Skeeter's date to the dance. Doug didn't think it was important to mention it in his journal. Patti walks in with Beebe and Skeeter leaves Doug alone. Before Patti reaches Doug, someone taps him on the shoulder.
Uh oh! She says he's her first choice! Instead of just kindly saying no, Doug makes up this ridiculous excuse about how he can't go because he has to stay home and take care of his sick cousin Melvin. Connie believes him, probably because she knows what a great nurse Doug is.
Of course Patti walks over right after and asks Doug to the dance. Before he can say anything, Connie relays the Melvin story and they run off together to try to find what boys are left. And of course, Doug has this fantasy.
Naturally. She couldn't go with Doug, so now she's going with 5 guys. It gets better. She says something about how she wishes she could've gone with Doug, and Roger announces that he researched Doug's family tree. At this point, he actually pulls a little tree out of his jacket and sets it down.
Probably found this at the library. I love that Doug's mental image of his family tree includes a branch that serves the purpose of pointing out that there is no Melvin in the family. Anyway, Patti is furious and the fantasy ends.
At home, Doug and Skeeter are talking about what a dumbass Doug is when the doorbell rings.
They've come to visit Melvin, the cousin they've never met. Doug and Skeeter try to think of a plan.
To be fair, they do realize this is a shitty plan pretty quickly. Normal kids wouldn't think of doing this, and even if they did, they wouldn't get so far as putting the dog in the bed with a wig on, but we're not dealing with normal kids. Judy has a better plan.
Of course! The actor in the family will play the part of Melvin. Doug is not so sure and actually almost tells the girls the truth, but they walk right past him and barge in without giving him a chance.
I love the look on Skeeter's face. The girls buy it. Judy ruins it by acting out a miraculous recovery. Patti quickly asks Melvin to the dance, which means Doug is now going to go with Connie.
She's just happy for the acting gig. Doug has a fantasy.
What is this a sub-committee of?
Ok, so...the parents, I get. I understand Mr. Bone and Ms. Wingo being there. I think the mayor of Bluffington has better things to do. And Roger? Wtf? How did he get on the Sub-Committee to Uncover Big Fat Liars?
Mr. Bone is the only one that does any talking and he ends his big interrogation by saying that Doug has "liar" written all over his face. Doug takes this literally.
He's always been one of those guys you'd have to clarify something you said with, "it's just a figure of speech."
At the Bumpkin Day Hoe Down, Melvin is a huge hit. Melvin impresses Roger by saying he used to be a roadie for The Beets, and promises him backstage passes.
None of those guys have dates. Of course, what girl would ask Roger? It's mean, but the girls are going to want to dance with their dates, and Roger's rickets probably make that impossible.
Patti calls Melvin up on stage for some stupid thing. She just wants to talk about how awesome Melvin is now that he's not sick or something. I don't know. But then they want him to give a speech. The cow will have no more of this.
Oh yeah...there's a cow on the stage, eating hay. This school really goes all out to make its dances authentic. Since the cow mistook the wig for grass, it's hard to imagine that this revelation was a shock to anyone. Imagine the horror if Melvin was real and he was just scalped by the cow the school put on stage.
So finally Doug comes clean. First, he apologizes to Patti. This is her reaction.
She doesn't give a shit. She thinks Melvin was the best dancer at the Hoe Down, and then she goes off with Judy to dance some more.
...ahem...
So next, he apologizes to Connie. She's actually a little upset with him. She says something about how all the other guys just said no, but then he lied to her! In one of Doug's quicker moments, he points out that she said he was her first choice, which means she lied to him first. This makes everything okay and then everyone dances and has a great time.
"You know what, Journal? I think lying's a bad idea. It's a whole lot more work than just telling the truth."
It's funny you should say that, Doug. Everything you say happened after your big fat lie was exposed feels like a lie. I don't think Patti was thrilled to find out you lied to her. I don't think Connie was okay with the fact that her meaningless lie meant your "I'd rather stay home and do nothing than go with you" lie was acceptable. You can't even say you lied to Connie to spare her feelings. If she hadn't been there when Patti asked you, you'd have said yes and showed up to the Hoe Down with Patti. Did you think Connie wouldn't see you there? Why don't you tell us what really happened after Melvin was revealed to be Judy?
Oh Doug, so many problems caused by nothing!
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