Episode 15, Part 1: Doug's Got No Gift

This episode begins with Doug at the mall. He's shopping for a gift for Patti's birthday, so you know this is going to be hilariously pathetic. At the official beetball store, he spots the perfect gift.

It's an official multi-ultra-maxi-pro-tournament beetball. Doug checks his money and makes sure he has enough. Then Skeeter calls out to him from the arcade.

He tells Doug to come try some new amazing game. Doug makes a comment about having a little extra change and heads over to give the game a try.

It's a callback to the first episode! The game is ridiculous. It requires a helmet for no apparent reason.

And to prove that it doesn't need the helmet, they show plenty of the game-play.

You control the man and hop around the swamp trying to catch the neematoad and not be eaten by the neematoad. That's it. This needs a joystick and one button. Two buttons at most. I can only assume the helmet is designed to make you look retarded or brainwash you into spending all your money. But who needs that when you have Skeeter?

After the first game, Skeeter comments on how great Doug did and then makes a comment about making the high score list and how having your initials on the list means "video immortality." And cue fantasy...

Being on the list also doubles the length of your legs and the size of your feet. Why does Doug think this could happen? He just entered the arcade. There was no red carpet. If Doug met someone with a high score on a video game, do you think he would treat them like a celebrity at a premier? Why does he expect this will happen to him? He's crazy.

So with little effort at all, Skeeter convinces Doug to go for the high score. When Doug commits, Skeeter alerts everyone in the arcade and they crowd around. They've gotta see this!

After several failures, Porkchop has the only appropriate reaction to the current situation.

Oh, but wait! Finally, Doug bags the neematoad! Did he get a score high enough to make the list!?

Way to aim high, DF! #49! You're a celebrity now!

This is just too absurd. There's no fucking way anyone else in the arcade gave a shit about this pathetic accomplishment. If I was there, I'd immediately play that game twice and knock DF off the high score list.

Anyway, now it's time to buy Patti's birthday present...oh shit...

That's clearly a game token. That means he apparently had all of his money changed into game tokens. Even if he'd gotten the 49th highest score on his second try, he'd still be fucked because the game tokens are worthless outside of shitty arcades. Dumbass Doug.

In the next scene Doug is sitting on the sidewalk with Porkchop, being mopey about what a delusional shithead he is. This is when one of the best moments in Doug history happens. He asks Porkchop for money.

Seriously. Doug wrote this down in his journal, probably because he'll be able to look back on it in the future and no matter how pathetic his life is at that moment, at least he's not asking a dog for money. Oh, and as for Porkchop, yeah...he's got money. He wants to spend it on ice cream, but he offers it to Doug anyway.

Why does Porkchop have money? Doug doesn't accept the coin because he says he can't take money from his dog. Also, Porkchop only has enough for ice cream. Doug wouldn't be able to buy Patti shit with that.

The Dinks walk up and offer some advice. Mr. Dink's advice is great: "Next time, don't let it happen again." Mrs. Dink's advice is helpful: "Why don't you make a present for Patti? You could use Bud's tools and build something."

So this is obviously where we're going from here. In Mr. Dink's workshop, we get a look at all of the expensive tools and how to guides he's bought but never used. Doug grabs a random book and opens it up looking for something to build. The first page he opens to is for a glider, which you know is just going to lead to a great fantasy.

This seems feasible.

After that ridiculous fantasy, Doug sets out to make something. He realizes a plane is unrealistic but he's sure he can make something.

What could he be making?

Oh! He reveals it to Skeeter whose first reaction is an appropriate, "What is it?" Doug says, "can't you tell?"
Skeeter responds, "oh, yeah, yeah, neat. Can you play it?"

Doug finally tells him that it's a towel rack. A fucking towel rack. On the card, Doug put "think of me when you're drying off after a shower." Probably.

Anyway, it's party time!

Patti's getting double teamed by Chalky and some unnamed douchebag. I tried to make a gif of their dancing, but the screenshots all come out crappy because it's a panning shot. Just take my word for it. Chalky's dancing is nothing but crotch thrusts in Patti's direction. He's clearly called dibs. She likes it.

After Roger arrives, puts his gift on the gift table and mocks Doug's for looking weird, Chalky tells Patti she should open her gifts since everyone is finally there. This throws Doug into a weird panic that confuses his fantasies.

Yeah, they're flying on the towel rack. And how does that turn out?

Death.

Doug decides to sneak up and try to remove his gift so no one laughs at his pathetic attempt at carpentry. Patti begins opening shit. First she got an official multi-ultra-maxi-pro-tournament beetball from Chalky. Kind of telling that she opened his gift first, no? Also, pretty awesome that Doug didn't get her that too. His would've looked unnecessary after that.

Next up, Skeeter's gift.

It's a multi-colored glow in the dark beetball. Great. And what did Beebe get her?

It's a formal beetball. Ok..what the fuck? "Thanks for all the beetballs everybody. You clearly only know one fucking thing about my personality." As Doug is about to grab his gift and hide it, Patti grabs it and rips it open.

She fucking loves it.

It's not that she's in desperate need of a towel rack or anything. She mistakes it for a beetball caddy. Seriously.

Now she's got somewhere to put all of those stupid novelty beetballs she'll never use, like Beebe's or Skeeter's, because they're fucking ridiculous.

Roger, while standing in front of the Baloney Hut, points out that it looks like a towel rack.

Outside, Patti secretly tells Doug that his gift was her favorite.

NOW! Now, Doug! Now is the time to make your move and actually ask her out.

He doesn't.

Finishing his journal at home that night, something unexplained happens. Porkchop is chasing something around the room. He smashes it with a hammer.

Apparently it's some sort of robotic neematoad. I'm going to assume this is Doug's way of coping with the realization that he blew his best chance at a real date with Patti. After Porkchop smashes the neematoad, Doug laughs and says, "you're supposed to bag the neematoad. Not cream it." This is perfect if you think of Doug as Porkchop, and Patti as the neematoad. That's right, Doug. You most certainly creamed it, instead of bagging it.