Episode 14, Part 2; Doug's Secret Song

This episode begins with Doug torturing Porkchop in the park. He's playing his banjo and singing a song about Patti.

"I worked on it for hours. It was my secret song. No one would ever hear it but me." Stupid Doug. He's playing it loudly in a public park. Naturally someone heard it. Luckily for Doug, it was Skeeter.

Skeeter tells him he really likes the song, and then promises to never tell anyone about it. Then they hear Mr. Dink singing and think he's dying, so they rush to help.

He's not dying. He's just watching a video he made of himself singing. Turns out this new, cheap place in the mall will record your song and make a video for you. Skeeter thinks Doug should do it. Mr. Dink says it will be Doug's big break. Doug fades off into a fantasy.

It's a rap video. A really terrible rap video. Actually, here it is. It's a pretty weird fantasy for a kid with a banjo strapped to his back to have. Doug's a pretty weird kid.

So of course they successfully talked Doug into going to the mall to record a song.

With a name like Video Goofball, you just know this is going to turn out well. Right away they see Mr. Bone looking around suspiciously and then slinking into one of the booths.

Mr. Bone managed to look like he didn't want to be seen, and totally not see two of his students that were making no effort at all to be unseen. The silhouette in that other booth looks familiar too...

Anyway, Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop pile into a booth and get ready.

There's no need for Porkchop and Skeeter to be in there. In fact, Doug would be better off if they weren't in there. Skeeter makes Doug nervous which causes hiccups which makes a bad song worse. Also, why is Porkchop wearing that bow-tie?

Waiting in line for his video, Doug complains that his hiccups finally went away and then says he's erasing the tape as soon as he gets home.

Oh, and Patti is there. She recorded a video too. The lady at the counter calls for Doug, Patti and Mr. Bone. Patti mentions that she's going to Beebe's "Up All Night" Party where she's going to show her video, and grabs her video from the Video Goofball professional. Doug grabs his video and leaves.

Mr. Bone sneaks out from behind a curtain, grabs his video and leaves.

At home, Skeeter demands they watch the video before Doug erases it.

Oh, shit. The people at Video Goofball mixed up the tapes, and if Doug has Patti's, then Patti must have Doug's! Oh. SHIT!

Of course they rush off the Beebe's hoping the girls haven't watched the video yet. This should be pretty simple. Knock on the door, ask to see Patti, tell her about the mix-up, switch tapes and leave. Only, the butler that answers the door is a fucking dick. He says "no boys allowed" and slams the door. They just asked to speak to Patti for a minute, not join the party and masturbate on the girls while they were asleep (although that is almost certainly what they would've done, being as crazy and fucked up as Doug and Skeeter are). So Doug has a terrific fantasy where he imagines the girls watch his tape.

Nothing weird about that. They will definitely be laughing at you. Oh wait...

The Doug on the tv comes to life and asks them to stop watching, then reaches through the screen and tries to change the channel. Nothing works. The girls laugh.

After the fantasy, Porkchop has an idea. He'll sneak in and switch the tapes.

There's no way this idea won't work.

Inside, Porkchop is unnecessarily sneaky and retarded. At one point, he sneaks under a rug to get to the other side of an empty hallway. In the room with the girls, he manages to go unseen until he knocks over a stack of vhs tapes. The girls scream. Doug hears this and assumes the worst. And we get another fantasy.

That's right.

They're going to torture Porkchop until he tells them who sent him! This is fucking retarded, Doug. Everyone knows Porkchop is your dog. If anyone trained your dog to sneak into houses it's you. They wouldn't need to torture him. Anyway, Doug and Skeeter climb the side of the house to look in the window and see that reality is actually more bizarre than Doug's torture fantasy. (maybe not...)

Oh, of course. Where did that costume come from? Did Porkchop pack it in his backpack or did the girls have it? Why aren't they concerned that this apparent runaway dog just wandered into the house. After Porkchop does his limbo thing, the girls decide to watch Patti's video. Patti puts it in the vcr, presses play, and we are given this back and forth for a few seconds.

Porkchop makes no attempt to get Patti's real tape out. He could've solved this problem easily, assuming he's as anthropomorphic as Doug says he is. Finally, Beebe grabs Porkchop and the video begins.

Patti grabbed Mr. Bone's video. Doug is safe. But then that means Mr. Bone has Doug's video...

He is embarrassed in front of his yodeling club.

And so what do we have here? Never trust a public park to keep your secret. Never trust a place called Video Goofball. Never trust your dog to commit breaking and entering because he's just going to end up doing the limbo to entertain a bunch of underage girls. Doug is getting worse about his lies regarding Porkchop. I can't believe that Doug sent Porkchop into the house, who then did the limbo with the girls and fought with Patti over the vcr. This part of the story is bullshit made up after the fact. Doug might have actually gone to Beebe's house to try to switch the tapes, but after being turned away by the butler, he gave up. Later, at school, the girls told everyone about Mr. Bone's tape and Doug came to the conclusion that Mr. Bone had his tape. Doug's fucking crazy, so he wrote the story in his journal this way, and we're just supposed to believe it.

What happened to that awful rap video Doug was going to make? Why did Doug think he had to wait until he got home to erase the tape? We're talking about vhs here. Take a magnet to it. Pull the tape off the spools and tear it up. Leave it in the sun for several minutes. I feel like even if Doug had gotten the right tape, he'd have fucked up destroying it somehow. He probably would've just thrown it in the trash, and Roger, being the creepy, vitamin-deficient shithead that he is, would've found it on his weekly Funnie Rummage.