This episode begins with an introduction to Quailman, the super hero with the powers of the quail. Quailman is Doug's most famous creation. Our first glimpse of Quailman comes in the form of his arm, deafeating no one at a game of checkers in an abandoned park.
He uses the piece in his hand to jump the remaining 3 peices. Landing on the back line, he declares, "KING ME!" How many things can you find wrong with this game of checkers Quailman just played?
Then we finally get a look at Quailman's face...
Here is a picture of a California quail...
I think it's safe to assume Doug has actually seen a quail. He got his head accessory correct at least. It's more likely that Doug has seen common quail, aka this fucker...
Look out for its powers!
Why would he base a super hero on the powers of a quail? You know what powers quail have? Getting shot and eaten because "I'm just so goddamn tired of chicken, turkey, and duck. I need another bird to eat." Amazing powers indeed.
So anyway, the opening fantasy ends to reveal Doug is merely drawing a picture of himself as Quailman. Not bad. This could be a step in the right direction if Doug can write down all of his crazy fantasies as a comic book series, instead of living them out with Skeeter and Roger and Porkchop. That's just not how it goes for Doug, unfortunately. We finally get Doug's real opening lines to his journal to explain what's going on.
"Did you ever have one of those days where you really needed to be a super hero? A day when somebody really, really needed saving? Well today was one of those days."
Today was one of those days where Doug needed to create an alter-ego in order to deal with reality. It all started when Ms. Wingo gave the class a set amount of time so they could work on their book reports. Roger, being the dick that he is, puts all of his effort into getting Patti to do his work for him.
Doug of course sees that Roger is annoying Patti, and Ms. Wingo is getting tired of the two of them talking, and so the natural response Doug has is to imagine that Roger is Klotzilla, kidnapper of Patti and enemy of Quailman.
UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE QUAIL!
THE QUAIL EYE!
Klotzilla is defeated. Reality kicks back in. Roger is on his knees begging Patti to do his work, she screams at him to leave her alone, and they both get sent to detention. Detention at this school apparently takes place during school, not after. Doug and Skeeter start their own conversation about how unfair it was to send Patti to detention too. This annoys Ms. Wingo and she sends them to detention also. I don't know why Ms. Wingo didn't hear Roger loudly begging Patti to do his work. Maybe she's just a shitty teacher. Anyway, in detention, Doug wonders what Quailman would do about Roger and Patti. Roger is still bugging her about doing his book report. Doug is still drawing pictures of Quailman.
Yes, this is Doug's drawing (because "fuck doing that book report I should be doing right now) literally jumping out of the page to wave at him. No, reality has not come back to Doug yet. It's actually getting worse, as Doug decides to start acting like Quailman.
He magically pops up behind Roger and finally asks him to fucking quit bothering Ms. Mayonnaise.
Roger turns to insult Doug and experiences the mighty quail-punch!
Yeah, it was an accident. Doug didn't move his arm; Roger moved his head. I think it's fair to assume that from Doug's perspective, this was a mighty punch that really hurt Roger. In reality, it couldn't have been anything more than annoying. Annoying enough for Roger to want to fight Doug after school, which is right now because the bell just rang. Shit.
Outside, Doug decides to fight as Quailman.
Doug does this disappearing and hiding thing at the beginning of the fight. It causes some confusion. Of course. Then he gets right in Roger's face and says, "Patience. Intelligence. Speed." He says it again. I don't know if you were aware, but quails are known for their patience, intelligence, and speed. That's why they're so good at avoiding getting shot and cooked like all those lesser birds. Skeeter turns to Patti and says, "either Doug's really smart, or he just blew a gasket." YES! Finally someone in Doug's life recognizes that he perhaps isn't all there mentally.
This stare off fades into what Doug thinks is happening...
Then Mr. Bone rushes out to break up the fight.
Roger slinks away, Patti cheers for Doug's bravery, and Skeeter lets me down with the following: "Yo Doug, I'm glad you're not really crazy, man." Dammit Skeeter. Useless twat.
So everything worked out fine. No one discovered Doug's diminishing sanity, and Porkchop got to wear a costume. It is difficult to determine how all this shit really went down. We're only getting his side of the story. It's hard enough when Doug doesn't write about his insane delusions so blatantly. When Doug is proudly telling his journal/us that he fought like a super hero based on quail and won, we might as well assume Roger didn't beat him up because he shit pants and started fondling his genitals. No one wants to touch that.
Also, Team YO extra made an appearance again!