Episode 5, Part 1; Doug Can't Dig It

"Dear Journal. Me again; Doug. Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I was too busy having a nervous breakdown."
Doug begins this episode like every other. He addresses his journal and apologizes to it as though it were sentient, and had a concept of time and hurt feelings. Oh, and he mentions having a nervous breakdown. Hopefully the nervous breakdown will be the warning sign the people around him need to see he needs help.

Doug and Porkchop are having breakfast. Doug has wasted cereal and milk by pouring Porkchop a bowl, giving him a spoon, and sitting him at the table as if he isn't a dog. Judy taunts Doug about something she won't tell him about.

At school, Ms. Wingo tells the class about a guest speaker the school is having tomorrow, and that Doug will introduce the speaker. Doug has a short fantasy of this being the most amazing thing to ever happen to him.

Doug is so great as the introducer of the mystery guest, he makes himself laugh...

He comes out of his fantasy with Ms. Wingo repeatedly saying, "Doug?" Everyone is laughing at his debilitating delusions. No one understands Doug's psychological problems.

Guess what? The special guest he's introducing is Judy! Oh noooooooo!

This is an immediate turn into the worst thing ever. Why, Doug? Oh, because Judy is just going to do some bad, narcissistic beat nick poetry...

...which is just the most embarrassing thing for you personally...

...and then because she hates you so much, she's going to tell everyone at school that you love Patti.

As if it's some big secret.

At the Honker Burger, Doug decides to use psychology on Judy to try to talk her out of it. He walks over to her, says, "uh, Judy" and is immediately shot down by her knowing what he's going to say and saying she's doing it anyway. He slinks back over to Skeeter and announces that psychology didn't work. Well, he has a pretty shitty definition of psychology doesn't he? Skeeter has a better plan. but first...

This is a scene where Judy is yelling, as loud as she can, "I HATE YOU!" Repeatedly. There is no context for the scene. There's no reason. It isn't just brushed off as one of her acting exercises, and if it were, what is she getting out of that as an actor? She is just in her room, yelling at herself in the mirror. This is far more troubling than most of the shit Doug does. The Funnies are just the worst parents. Their oldest daughter acts out like an attention whore and yells at herself in the mirror until she's hoarse, and their youngest is Doug.

Anyway, Judy's phone rings, so she puts on her "everything's alright" face and answers it. It's Doug using a silly voice and pretending to be a talent scout.

He says his name is J.B. Hunkamunka, a very famous producer. His terrible lies, and bad voice acting (including a few breaks into his normal voice) get him busted.

Why did they do this at Doug's house? Haven't they watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off? This isn't a matter of Doug's crazy; it's Doug and Skeeter's stupid. Call her from Skeeter's house. Or a pay phone (remember those? they still existed back then). The way they did it (and the fake name they used) feels like a step above putting on a fake mustache and walking into her room and pretending to be Hunkamunka. Very stupid.
Anyway, not much else of interest happens. Doug shares this stupid memory of Judy ruining some stupid dental hygiene play they were both in (she was plaque, he was a toothbrush, she wouldn't die) and he assumes she'll ruin whatever this is going to be too. Before the assembly, Doug sort of decides to ditch it, but then hides backstage like a dumbass. He overhears Mr. Bone telling Judy to get out there, and starts to recognize panic in her voice as she really wanted him to introduce her. He steps up, does it, and the world didn't end. Then he doesn't even watch her performance. All the students rushing out tell him how great it was. Blah blah blah. Pretty mild for a nervous breakdown.

I want to address one of the extras.

What is that fat kid in the back wearing? Why is he dressed like the top half of him is going skiing and the bottom half is going hiking on a nice summer day? Stupid fat kids.