Episode 13: Doug: The Big Switch

Doug and Porkchop are settling down for a night of tv with a big bowl of popcorn. The plan is to watch Doug's new favorite show, Doctor Cop.

Someone needs to make this show and use it to make fun of the over-abundant criminal investigation procedural shows and ridiculous hospital dramas. I'd consider watching it. After a short minute of the latest episode of Doctor Cop, Theda calls Doug from the other room. She needs him for something.

She's still very pregnant at this point, and since standing is apparently very difficult, she's just dusting things she can reach from the floor. She's only two episodes away from having the baby, so I'm not sure she should be lying on the floor, but she's probably bored. Whatever. It doesn't matter. She wants some tea and Doug is the man to get it for her. And no, the tea cannot wait until the commercials.

Conveniently the tea is already prepared. Unfortunately, before he can start pouring it, Phil asks if he can lend a finger.

Doug says he has to get back to Doctor Cop, but his dad pleads with him. It's just one finger, for just a minute. So he stays and helps his dad with his fly-fishing lure. Phil goes on and on about how fly-fishing is more than just a sport. It's an art. It's way better than bowling or golf or knitting. Phil's a weird guy. Also, why doesn't he get his pregnant wife some tea?

When Doug is finally free, he rushes back to his mom to drop off the tea, then runs back to the tv room to find Judy.

This is most inconsiderate. She's watching some bullshit about owls and eating his popcorn. She says Doctor Cop is mind numbing drivel. He says he was watching it anyway. She says, "well I didn't see your name here." Because the bowl of popcorn and Porkchop wasn't enough to indicate that he was trying to watch some goddamn tv? They start fighting for the remote and Phil finally gets off his ass to turn off the tv, telling them if they can't watch it without acting like civilized adults (Doug's not an adult...) there will be no tv. I guess that's what you get for helping your parents, Doug. Learned a good lesson there; fuck helping people.

Doug says it took him forever to get to sleep because he was so mad about missing Doctor Cop. He oversleeps until 8:25. He's going to be late for school. He quickly dresses and runs out the door to find Moo waiting.

Doug doesn't realize Moo wants to talk to him about something and starts running to school. Moo struggles to keep up until he slows down and asks if there's something wrong. Apparently Al has changed. Since attending the Moody School, Al has thrown out all of his Hawaiian shirts, started wearing all black, dyed his hair, and started hanging out with friends. Poor Moo is feeling left behind. Doug tells him he doesn't know what's going on, but since tomorrow is Saturday, come over and they can talk. Doug is so helpful. It's a shame he's about to start being a dick to the wrong person.

At school, everyone is talking about last night's amazing episode of Doctor Cop. While complaining to Patti, she mentions how Doctor Cop performed brain surgery on his partner during a high speed chase. I really wish this episode had just been about Doug watching this episode of Doctor Cop in peace.

Sitting down to eat, Doug says, "man, Patti, you got it great. Just you and your dad. No stupid sister to mess things up." She says a big family is nice too. He goes on to say that she's got it easy because of her home-school schedule too. That's when she starts getting offended, noticeably.

He goes on about how she has half days, and she defends herself, pointing out that she has homework every day. He laughs, saying, "oh, I'm sure it's real hard too. Yeah I bet you graduate number one in your class. You gonna eat all that lasagna?"

Deserved.

Later Doug explains what happened to Skeeter. Doug says Patti has it twice as easy as he does. Whatever that means.

So that comment sets Skeeter off on his own "you know who's got it easy?" rant. He thinks Beebe has it easier than anyone. She's got innumerable servants. She's got a school named after her (no thoughts on why this would make anyone's life easier or harder). It turns out Beebe was standing behind him during his rant. Later, Chalky explains to Roger that Beebe trades lunches with Skeeter after that, because Skeeter had 4 sandwiches and she only had some bullshit diet bar.

And then they start arguing over who has it easier. I don't know why Roger thinks being a jock makes Chalky's life easy. He is constantly working out and practicing to be the best at every sport that's ever existed. In the middle of the argument, Roger's cell phone rings (where was that phone when they were trapped in the school?) and he starts yelling at his stock broker. So his argument for why his life is so much more difficult is that he has to manage bullshit like that.

And so the three arguments continue until the end of the day when they all decide to spend the weekend as the other person.

Meanwhile Al and Moo are arguing about shit that doesn't matter.

At Mr. Swirly's, Doug tells Patti she still has time to chicken out. She has a fantasy.

She writes, "dear journal, today I think I'm just going to sit back on my round, lazy behind." Then Porkchop kicks open the bedroom door dressed like a butler and carrying a platter of cookies. I don't know what to make of this, as Doug is telling us the story in his journal, so is this what he thinks Patti thinks, or did she say this, including the butler Porkchop?

Next we have a fantasy from Roger. It's a parody of Leave It to Beaver, called Leave It to Chalky.

Basically, Roger shoots a basketball, runs inside and is rude to Chalky's parents while stuffing his face with cake and milk. There's no reason Roger should expect this kind of treatment.

Skeeter also has a fantasy.

He's just sitting at this long table covered with food. That's it. Because he sees how fat Beebe is, I guess he assumes the hardships in her life involve eating ALL THAT FOOD!

So, Doug explains everything to Mr. Mayonnaise, and though he seems confused, he goes along with iti.

Next, Skeeter is bouncing on Beebe's bed and starts flipping through hundreds of television channels.

Roger is the first one to really experience any sort of sign that he might have been wrong.

Mr. Studebaker immediately tells him to get to work on his double weed workout. Roger laments the lack of cake and milk and says, "I better get at the weeds."

Mr. Studebaker says, "especially if you want to do those lawn mower windsprints and garage cleanups before sundown. Ah ha!" Mr. Studebaker is an asshole.

Beebe's next, and for some reason Mrs. Valentine is making Beebe take care of Dale.

It's not like, "oh, just watch him while I fix dinner or take a nap or whatever." She's basically just baby sitting for free while Mr. and Mrs. Valentine presumably get to work on a sequel to Dale.

At Roger's mansion, Chalky is just wandering around trying to find anybody at all.

At the Funnie house, Theda is again on the floor, cleaning under the kitchen table.

Patti starts to go up to Doug's room, but Theda asks her to help push her farther under the table.

In Patti's room, Doug is thinking about how great it is to have no Judy and no pregnant mom. Then Mr. Mayonnaise enters the room to say it's time for home school. Doug thinks this will be great, and doesn't seem bothered by the idea of home school on Saturday. I'd call bullshit and get back to thinking about how awesome it is to not have a sister or a pregnant mom around.

Today, they're working on ancient Mesopotamian culture and politics. Doug is already lost.

Meanwhile the servants have prepared the banana sandwich Skeeter requested. He starts to grab one of the triangles when the butler makes a noise and shakes his head. So eating with your hands is out, Skeeter. He reaches for a knife, but the butler disapproves again. Skeeter's dilemma is figuring out what utensil to use to eat a sandwich.

Roger is working himself to death while Mr. Studebaker keeps yelling at him to keep his feet moving.

He finally gets a break and gulps down half the bottle of Power Slurp before Mr. Studebaker tells him to get back to work.

Back at the Funnie house, Phil has bored Patti to sleep with talk about fly fishing.

Dale throws his food on Beebe.
Chalky still can't find anyone.
Patti has to drag Theda across the kitchen floor.

There might be something seriously wrong with Theda and no one is concerned. She can't move her legs, or has almost no strength to move them.

Skeeter still can't figure out how to eat a sandwich.

Roger is now moving the lawn.

And Doug is hitting himself in the head with the history book.

Doug finally admits to himself that he's made a mistake.

Meanwhile, Moo has arrived at the agreed upon time to talk to Doug about his Al problem.

Patti explains the big switch and says she's not sure it was such a good idea. She's worn out. Dragging pregnant women and listening to fly fishing-themed white noise machines will do that to you. Moo starts sweating profusely because Patti is a girl and girls apparently make him nervous.

Back at the Klotz mansion, Chalky finds the front door.

He immediately runs home to find Roger is not faring so well either.


Chalky couldn't take the crippling loneliness of Roger's every day life. It's pretty sad really. Obviously Roger could not take the back-breaking chore-workouts of Chalky's every day life.

Skeeter finds Beebe hiding in some sort of cupboard. They eventually laugh about how they couldn't survive as the other.

No one will ever hire her to babysit (not that she'd have looked for that kind of work anyway) and Skeeter would starve before he upset a butler by eating a sandwich with his hands.

While Mr. Mayonnaise is babbling on about the Mesopotamians, Doug starts to daydream about his family.

Mr. Mayonnaise finishes the lesson and asks if Doug would like to start another, but turns around to find Doug has left. Pretty rude, leaving without saying a word.

Doug bumps into Moo on his way through the front door of his own house. That's when he remembers telling Moo to come over. Moo says Patti explained everything. All she said was that people change and there's nothing you can really do about it. Doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

Doug apologizes for what he said to Patti, and she says she was wrong too. They switch back and decide to celebrate at Mr. Swirly's. They start to run off but Doug stops. He has to do something real quick. He runs into the house.

Just wanted to give his mom a hug and tell her that he loved her. It's pretty sweet. I guess spending the day with your friend's paralyzed dad while her mother is not around because she's dead really makes you appreciate the fact that your mother's still alive and walking around. Fuck Phil, though. He's probably fly fishing or abusing prescription medication at Mr. Dink's house.

Doug and Patti find the other four talking about their experiences at Mr. Swirly's.

Al and Moo stroll in and Moo has changed his clothes and attitude. He says, "if you can't beat them; join them."

And that's the end.

Clearly, Skeeter, Patti and Chalky have it way worse than the other three. Chalky never gets a break between school and working out, Patti never gets a break from school, and Skeeter is apparently raising his little brother. It's all a bunch of bullshit and they're all crazy for letting Doug start this whole thing. Yeah, his family is inconsiderate, but that's no reason to think he's got it hard. And maybe don't laugh at how easy you think someone else lives, especially when you know her mother is dead and her father is paralyzed and you know she works hard on everything she does. That's just being a fucking asshole.

Episode 41, Part 1: Doug's Bum Rap

Doug has been called to Mr. Bone's office to discuss his last English test.

Naturally, Doug is wondering what they need to talk about. His first guess is that he failed. His first fantasy begins with Ms. Wingo busting out of the door with other unnamed people. They are members of the press.

"There he is, gentlemen; the boy who got the lowest test grade ever recorded!"

Doug is shocked to learn he scored a -60! He says that's impossible, but this is his fantasy, so...cameras flash and a voiceover, like a news reporter, announces that Doug, the stupidest boy in history, has been inducted into the Bluffington Hall of Losers.

I wish this wasn't something Doug just made up for the fantasy. This should really exist somewhere in the school. At least then Doug's fear of being added to it wouldn't be so absurd.

At the induction ceremony, Doug's parents are so embarrassed they put on disguises before sneaking away.

Presumably they chose these disguises to demonstrate why Doug is so stupid.

After that fantasy, Doug considers another possibility. He has another fantasy that starts the same way except Ms. Wingo says he scored the highest grade ever recorded. We don't see what that grade is, but the cameras start flashing anyway. As a prize for Doug's hard work and genius, Ms. Wingo gives him the collected works of William Shakespeare.

She says they think he could make some improvements.

I don't know which of these fantasies is more absurd.

Ms. Wingo comes out of the office and disrupts Doug's second fantasy to show him the test. He got a B. He's thrilled. Mr. Bone is pissed. He is convinced Doug cheated.

Doug's test is identical to Chalky's. Doug says, "Maybe it's a coincidence." Mr. Bone says he determined that's unlikely, after he compared their permanent records. Doug has a quick fantasy about this.

Doug's coat hanger solar system is falling apart. Chalky's solar system is remote controlled. Also, if this was Chalky's fantasy, "kindergarten" would be spelled correctly. Doug also visualizes their differences in third grade and present day. In third grade, Doug lost the spelling bee because he spelled bologna wrong. In third grade, Chalky won the spelling bee by spelling antidisestablishmentarianism correctly. In present day, Doug swings at a baseball, misses and falls on his ass. Chalky hits the ball to a ton of applause.

After the comparisons, Mr. Bone is yelling at Doug to confess to cheating. Doug doesn't, because he knows he didn't cheat. Ms. Wingo walks him out and says the guilty party has one day to confess. Otherwise both of them will have to do a retest on Saturday. Mr. Bone adds that the retest will be much more difficult. Doug sets out to talk to Chalky about it, because if Mr. Bone is only going to do half of his job, Doug might as well do the other half. He goes first to the school newspaper. Since Chalky is the editor, he should be there and they can talk.

He's not there. After explaining everything to Patti, she puts forth the idea that its just a coincidence. Al and Moo shut her down though. They've just calculated it somehow and found that the odds of them having that many answers the same are 1 in 2,070,095,908.2. They calculated that awfully fast. Did they get all the variables in there? Anyway, Doug comes to the logical conclusion that Chalky must have cheated. Patti tells him that Chalky must've left for track practice, where he is team captain.

At the track, Roger hassles Doug about the cheating. Roger is proud of Doug and says he's working on a plan that will allow Doug to help him cheat off Chalky too. Finally, Doug spots Chalky setting up for a race and runs over. He asks if they can talk, but Chalky points out that it's not a good time. Doug doesn't accept that and just runs along with him.

Doug doesn't get to bring up the test before he trips over the third hurdle. When he gets up, Chalky is gone. Coach Spitz (who rushed over worried that Doug had broken one of his precious hurdles (seriously, this man needs to be fired)) informs Doug that Chalky has gone to band practice, where he is first chair trumpet. Chalky can't even edit a newspaper without needing to run a race he can't finish because he needs to play some trumpet.

Doug catches up to him and asks again if they can talk. Chalky points out that he's busy, again, and starts playing trumpet. They're playing Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, and Connie's stretching the limits of her talent and playing the cannon. She lights it and lets it blow (totally randomly, not in time with anything. She doesn't seem to know when she's supposed to be firing it). The noise of the cannon shocks Doug and distracts him long enough for Chalky to get away. Doug asks Connie where he might have gone and she tells him swim practice. Doug guesses that he's the captain of the team and Connie corrects him. Chalky is the entire team. Sad.

This is just desperate. And it doesn't work. By the time Doug gets out of the pool, Chalky has run off again. He has a quick fantasy about how he might actually get Chalky to sit still for a brief chat.

Doug runs up to Chalky in an empty plane. Chalky has a parachute on his back and is putting on a helmet. Doug handcuff's himself to Chalky, saying, "I'm not leaving your side until this is settled."

"Okay, but this is parachute club!"

In this fantasy, Doug would have wasted all the time it takes to take off and get to the right altitude, in the right location for parachuting so that he could finally approach Chalky at the worst possible moment. And then Chalky would have to kill both of them by jumping anyway.

Doug decides to wait until after school. He'll ambush Chalky as he's leaving. Unfortunately Roger shows up first.

He's come up with a stupidly complicated system of hat adjustments to spell out shit. This is how he plans to get Doug to help him cheat. He can't remember exactly how his system works, and Doug points out that Ms. Wingo would notice anyway. Roger didn't think of that.

While dealing with Roger, Doug fails to notice Chalky getting on his bike and speeding away. Doug tries to catch up to him, but he's just not going to be able to catch the star athlete. Doug finally realizes that Chalky is avoiding him. Doug is being a bit too dense here, isn't he?

Doug has another fantasy that focuses on how everybody thinks Chalky is Mr. Perfect. Chalky walks past the school and Patti says he's perfect in every way. Ms. Wingo says he's the best student there ever was. Then Chalky hops behind a tree to remove his disguise.

Yeah, he's just a big rat.

So, Doug just rides his bike over to Chalky's house. Chalky is outside throwing a football with his father. When he sees Doug ride up to his father, he quickly grabs Doug, taking him inside. He tells his dad they have to talk about something.

When they get in Chalky's room, Chalky immediately confesses that he cheated. Obviously. Leave it to the perfect kid who knows everything to suck at cheating. You don't copy everything exactly. That's too obvious, shithead. Doug asks him why and Chalky shows him his schedule.

Why is every football game ever the big game? I like that he had to give blood on Tuesday. He's not even old enough to give blood. What's next? Was his presidential campaign having a fundraiser in Iowa and he just didn't have time between the hand shaking and baby kissing to study for some stupid English test?

Doug tells him to confess to Ms. Wingo. He says he can't. He has to play in the big game on Saturday. If he has to take a retest, he won't be able to play and he'll be letting the whole school down. His father will be disappointed. Doug points out that the only way Chalky would get to play would be if he confessed. Chalky immediately takes this the wrong way, thinking Doug was volunteering to do such a thing. What a jerk.

Chalky starts begging him to take the blame. He reminds Doug of how he helped him with his science project, math homework and fitness test. I don't remember that. I only remember Patti helping him with his math homework. Anyway, Doug has a fantasy where he takes the blame.

He's tied up in the back of a cart being rolled to a public execution, probably a hanging or a beheading. He gets up to the executioner, who removes her mask.

"You have 30 minutes!"

After the fantasy, Doug agrees to confess to cheating. On the way out the door, Chalky's dad starts bragging about his son, saying it's so nice of him to take time out of his football practice to help someone with his homework. What a douche. He leads Doug into their stupid trophy room.

The left wall is actually Chalky's brother's shit. Chalky's shit is on the right and there's already way more than Doug's trophies and ribbons. Doug has what? The second place ribbon from the science fair and leftover "Pulverizers" bumper stickers.

Chalky's dad is pretty insufferable. He just keeps going on and on. He says it must be pretty inspiring to be around Chalky and calls him Mr. Perfect. That's when Doug finally says, "of course he's perfect. He cheats." And that's why Chalky finally confessed to his dad. Chalky ends up taking the retest and the football team plays without him. While Chalky is taking the test, Coach Spitz is in the room yelling at Ms. Wingo to let him play for one play because the team is getting killed. Maybe if their coach was actually coaching instead of worrying about one player, they wouldn't be in such bad shape.

At the game, Roger approaches Doug with a new system for cheating. He's got one mirror on his hat and another on his shoe.

Check out Doug's doppelganger! Roger doesn't get to explain this new system before Doug cuts him off and tells him that Chalky was the one that cheated. Roger runs off to see if Chalky wants to share the new cheating system. If only Roger spent as much time studying as he does thinking up new ways of cheating...

Everyone in this episode just sucks. Doug is too slow to pick up on the obvious. He already knows Chalky cheated. If coincidence is impossible, and Doug knows he didn't cheat off Chalky, then duh. Chalky is avoiding you because he knows he got you in trouble. You didn't need to follow him to band and swimming practice to figure that out. He abandoned track mid-race because you showed up. That's a red flag that's pretty hard to miss. Mr. Bone and Ms. Wingo suck. They only called Doug in to accuse him. If Chalky is so fucking perfect and Doug cheated off him, wouldn't they have both received A's? No, they got B's. That's a Doug grade on anything that isn't art class. Chalky's dad is a real dickhead. At the rate he's pushing Chalky to be the best at absolutely everything, Chalky will have a drug problem starting yesterday.

I guess it's a little hard to give Chalky shit for what he did. His situation is almost the opposite of Doug's, but the result is basically the same. Chalky's parents are pushing him too much and it's driving him crazy. Doug's parents are too wrapped up in recycling and department store photography to give a shit about Doug's life, and it's driving him crazy. They'll both end up being heavily medicated adults, but only Doug's will be legally obtained prescription drugs.