This episode begins with Doug looking through a photo album labelled Memories.
The book opens itself while Doug tells us about his first bike.
When he first got it, it was the coolest bike in the neighborhood.
Better take a photo of Doug pumping up that tire. Put that in the Memories album. We're definitely going to want to remember this.
Doug goes on to mention that everyone else eventually got new bikes that were better than his. They were dirt bikes, and they made him realize how lame his was.
Another classic photo for the Memories album. Remember that time Doug got bored watching his friends have more fun than his current bike would allow? Me too, because we took a picture of it and saved it in the Memories photo album.
So anyway, Doug's looking at these pictures when Skeeter rings the doorbell and asks if he wants to go ride bikes. Doug agrees and they go out to the garage to get his bike. Doug tells Skeeter he wishes he had a dirt bike too. Skeeter says his bike is okay, but Doug insists, "my bike's so lame, I'm thinking about hiring somebody to steal it." It's like he's aware of insurance fraud, but not of the fact that you need insurance in the first place. Or does he just think having no bike is better than having a lame bike? Oh, and his bike? It's gone.
"WHO STOLE MY BIKE‽"
Doug immediately dials 59 and talks to the Bluffington Operator.
She's inquires about his emergency and his address. Before he can finish asking if he needs the police, two police officers are at his door asking about what has been stolen. Bluffington has amazing public services.
The fat cop just plays with shit in the garage while the other cop asks standard questions. Where are your parents? Shopping. How much is the bike worth? $150. Was anything else stolen? No. She guesses that a professional would've stolen something more valuable, and that the thief is most likely just some kid, probably Doug's age.
"But I know all the kids around here."
"Maybe you don't know them as well as you think."
What a terrible thing to say to a crazy kid. She says they'll mail the report to him in about a week. Skeeter thinks this means they'll find the bike, but she tells them it's extremely unlikely. There are no clues, leads, or evidence. After they leave, Skeeter pushes his bike up to the sidewalk and says, "I know how you feel man." This triggers a few quick fantasies where Skeeter is always going to be this falsely sympathetic jackass who isn't experiencing the same shit as Doug.
I'm not sure the third one really fits. The other examples are of situations where Doug goes without while Skeeter has plenty. The third one is just Doug getting pounded in a boxing ring while Skeeter watches with a couple of prostitutes. I guess Doug feels if he had the money or the prostitutes, he wouldn't have to box. Skeeter has all the money and two prostitutes, so he just gets to sit back and feel sorry for his friend. I guess it does fit. Whatever.
After the fantasy, Doug is sitting on a hill watching his friends ride their dirt bikes and complaining about how Skeeter doesn't know how he feels. No one knows how he feels. To Doug, no one has ever had anything stolen from them. He's the only one that's ever been victim to such a monstrous crime. Then he considers the possibility that the cop was right. What if someone he knew took his bike?
Before he can think about that too much, Patti comes up and tells him she's sorry about his bike. Then Chalky and Skeeter ride up and ask if he wants to go to the Honkerburger. He says sure and they speed away on their bikes. They quickly realize their insensitive mistake and get off their bikes to walk with Doug. I guess none of them have pegs he could stand on.
At the Honkerburger, everyone is talking about the theft. Patti says something about a real burglar taking something of value, and Skeeter reiterates the cops' point about the thief being another kid. Chalky tells Doug to look on the bright side. "At least they didn't steal your brain like in Zombie Beach Party!" Everyone but Doug laughs. He doesn't get what's so funny. Patti asks, "you think they unloaded the bike yet?"
Chalky: "nah, they probably chopped it up for parts."
Skeeter: "yeah, you gotta move that stuff fast. It's a cash-and-carry business."
Doug thinks, "how did they know so much about stealing bikes."
As if he can hear Doug's thoughts, Skeeter says, "that's what they do on tv anyway."
Connie walks up and tells Doug she bought him some fries. This makes him wonder where she's getting all this money, and we have a fantasy of Connie's Chop Shop.
There's his bike in the background, getting chopped by Connie's employee. That's what you get for being nice, Connie. You spent 99 cents getting some fries, and now you're rolling in cash because you stole Doug's bike and chopped it up for parts to sell on the black market. Bicycle parts, especially from a child's bicycle, make up a huge portion of the black market. You don't even know!
After the fantasy, Patti asks about the registration number, and Skeeter tells her you can easily get rid of that with a file. Doug realizes it could have been any of them. All of them know way more about stealing bikes than him. He has another fantasy.
This fantasy starts with two of Roger's goons sneaking into the Funnie Garage only to find the bike has already been stolen by Roger. Then Chalky tries to get it from Roger. Then Beebe locks the doors and demands the bike. Then Connie steals the keys from Beebe and demands the bike. Then Skeeter, then Patti, then everybody. Literally everybody is lined up outside the garage, waiting for their turn to climb through the garage window to steal Doug's lame old bike.
To Doug, if anyone could have stolen it, then everybody stole it.
Determined that the thief would never steal another thing from him again, Doug writes a list of everything he's loaned to anyone. He's going to get it all back.
Doug says it took him almost an hour to collect his things, and yes, he did get his gum back from Skeeter.
The best thing happens when he goes to Al and Moo's place to get his flashlight back. He knocks on their bedroom door and they tell him he can't come in. They are busy. Doug shoves his way in, asking "why not? What are you hiding?"
Oh, it's just two eleven year old kids welding in their bedroom. They tell Doug he could have been blinded since he wasn't wearing goggles. He asks for the flashlight, they point it out, he gets it and leaves. At no time does he notice his bicycle in their room.
At home, Doug has collected all of his shit, placed it in the closet, locked the door and posted a sign on it saying, "do not steal." That should do it, but Doug admits he still doesn't feel safe. He has a fantasy of a burglar climbing through his window and not being deterred by a heavily locked door. At first the burglar tries a jackhammer.
It doesn't work. Next he tries dynamite. It doesn't work. Next he drives a tractor through the wall, and uses it to carry out the total contents of Doug's closet. Doug is sleeping through all of this, of course. It's a weird fantasy, far more cartoonish than most or all of Doug's usual fantasies. So later, Doug consults the security expert.
Mr. Dink claims to have more security devices than Ft. Knox. "I've got alarms on my alarms!" Anyway, Mr. Dink asks Doug about a few things he might need. Things like computerized locks, closed circuit tv, a laser activated alarm system, bullet-proof glass windows, and steel reinforced concrete walls. With each security feature, Doug gets more enthusiastic with the way he says, "yes." At the end, Doug says, "I need all these things. I want my room to be a fortress. I wanna know everything that happens in it all the time. I wanna be totally safe from everybody. I trust no one!
"Douglas...are you insane?"
Mr. Dink's alarm goes off and he dismisses it as probably being a squirrel. That happens all the time. But Doug goes to the window and sees Al and Moo on their bike.
"Wait a minute! That's my bike!"
He runs outside and starts chasing them, yelling at them to give him his bike. One of them says, "Doug Funnie has gone berserk." Yes, he has. Proving that his bike really is just a lame piece of shit, Doug actually catches up to them enough to dive and catch the bike. They fly off as the bike is forced to stop rather abruptly.
Al and Moo claim they bought the bike at a thrift store before they run off. As Doug is lamenting the way his bike has been butchered with a pretty sweet sidecar, his parents drive up with a surprise.
It is so glorious.
It floats. It glows. It makes your father disappear. Best bike ever? You bet!
Oh, and Doug doesn't have to worry about what to do with his old bike. They recycled it, which actually means they donated it to a thrift store. Doug is an ass. Al and Moo cruise up with the police from earlier and Doug has to explain everything to them.
Porkchop snapped this picture for the Memories album. Good job, Porkchop. Also, Doug is grounded for a week. There's some weird shit at the end where a picture of Doug writing in his journal comes to life. Doug says goodnight to Porkchop and walks out of the picture. A page of the album turns and there's another moving picture of Doug locking his closet door.
Or you could make an argument that he's unlocking the door. It's really not as clear as it should be. If he's still paranoid about burglary, he's locking the door. If not, he's removing the locks. I think he's still paranoid. He just said goodnight to Porkchop. He's not then going to spend a long time removing locks or making sure they aren't locked before actually going to sleep. He's going to take a few seconds and make sure that paranoia of his is fed so he can get a good night's sleep.
But seriously, thanks Phil, Theda, and cops. I know his parents just wanted to surprise him, but couldn't they have waited until after he got the new one to donate the old one? Why didn't they know he filed a police report for his stolen bike? And Doug didn't consider that his friends might be thieves until the cops put it in his head. I think the fact that he didn't even jump to the conclusion that Roger did it shows a severe degeneration caused by this paranoia. He only thought of Roger in the fantasy where everyone did it. His first suspect is fucking Connie. And he suspects her because she has enough spare change to be a little extra nice to him. What sort of scheme is that anyway? She stole his bike and sold it so she can buy him fries? Brilliant. Where are his reasoning skills? He's in such a blind rage of paranoia, he doesn't even notice his bike in Al and Moo's room. It's pathetic. All of this could have been avoided if his parents had done things in a different order. Or also if they made sure he took his medications.