Episode 35, Part 2: Doug and the Little Liar

It's a new day in Bluffington, and there's a new student at school. A girl. Skeeter tells Doug he should go introduce himself and when Doug is hesitant, he calls him a chicken and starts clucking. Not to be outdone, Doug asks him why he doesn't introduce himself first, then calls him chicken and starts clucking. So like many 11 year old kids, Doug and Skeeter are clucking like chickens at each other. Finally, Skeeter says he'll go talk to her if Doug does.

They walk over and Doug does all the smooth talking. First, he introduces himself as Fun Dougie. He corrects himself and the girl introduces herself as...Loretta LaQuiggly? I guess it's LaQuiggly. She asks Doug about his last name. She wants to know what country his family is from. After he says "here, I guess" he asks where her family is from and she says they are originally from Yakostonia. She goes on to say that her family goes to her famous aunt's estate to go skiing every year. Her aunt is Marlene LaFlamme, famous actor.

She keeps talking about skiing and private jets until she finally asks about Skeeter. Doug introduces him and she spits some gibberish at him. She clarifies that the gibberish was actually Yakostonesian for "pleased to meet you." She talks about Yakostonesian a bit, how much she speaks the language, how wonderful it is, and then leaves. Skeeter didn't say a word. His response...

So Skeeter finally has his own Patti Mayonnaise. Good? While Doug is trying to wake Skeeter from his stupor, Fentruck walks up.

Fentruck inquires about Skeeter's condition and says he knows an old Yakostonesian folk remedy for this. He directs Doug to hold his nose.

Terrifying. Skeeter's head deflates almost immediately, with hearts and smoke flying out of his ears, but it's hard to say he's better off.

Skeeter comes to his senses, speaking Yakostonesian and unaware that Loretta has been gone for a few minutes. He doesn't thank Fentruck for the quick fix (I wouldn't). He just says, "Hey, Doug! Isn't Loretta the greatest? Well, see ya in class! *honk honk*"

Naturally curious about such a strange occurrence, Fentruck asks Doug what happened. Doug says, "Loretta LaQuiggly happened to him." Fentruck says that he has also met her, and then calls her "the girl that pretends to speak Yakostonesian." Apparently she only knows a few basic phrases of the language. Fentruck would know, being Yakostonesian.

This makes Doug ask himself if Loretta had been lying, and we get our first fantasy. Doug is a private investigator.

In his office, he's casually interrogating her. He asks about the time she's spent in Yakostonia, and her grasp of the language. After she says she knows the language, he speaks a sentence in Yakostonesian. She says, "yes, I'd love to."

"Oh, now that's funny. You just agreed that you drink transmission fluid."

Her response to that is that she didn't understand his accent and thought he was asking her to dinner. He gets to the accusation, saying, "Fentruck says you don't speak Yakostonesian for beans!" Then he reveals the strangest, most awesome thing ever. Fentruck's job/hiding place within the fantasy.

Apparently he's some sort of bartender in Doug's office, and the bar is a tiny, crotch-level cabinet behind his desk. If I ever get the chance to make a detective movie, I'm stealing this idea.

Anyway, she calls Fentruck a jealous liar and Doug asks why he should believe anything she says. "Because I'd never even think of lying to someone as strong and handsome as you. And besides, your best friend's nuts about me."

After the fantasy, Doug says, "the more Loretta talkes, the more I suspected it was all lies." While they're walking, she's telling them about how her father is a horse farmer, a novelist, and a professional surfer. Doug is skeptical, of course, because how could anyone possibly do three things?
They walk to the movie theater and she asks them if they want to see her aunt's latest movie.

She gets to the box office where she realizes she forgot her purse. Skeeter quickly offers to buy her ticket and Doug sees exactly where this is going. He has a fantasy, laying it all out.

Loretta decides she likes what that woman is selling. She calls Skeeter over, saying, "I really love these."

"What? The skis?"
"No, silly. THESE MOUNTAINS!"

And so she convinces Skeeter to buy some mountains for her. Grade A fantasy.

At home, Doug is pacing, thinking about a way to stop Loretta from taking advantage of Skeeter. Mr. Dink calls out to him, because it's time for nothing useful from the creepy, weird neighbor. He just wants to show off his latest purchase.

When you lie, two horns pop out and a robotic voice repeats, "LYING!" Very expensive.

Mr. Dink notices Doug is looking a little down and asks if he wants to talk about it. Pointlessly, Doug does that vague "lets say you have a friend" thing that only happens in tv and movies, and Mr. Dink thinks Doug has found out about his great lie.

"Oh Douglas! I'm sorry! I lied about being captain of my high school football team! I was just the equipment manager!"

Doug quickly forgives him, but gets an idea. We go back to the detective fantasy. Doug and Skeeter have walked Loretta home, to her mansion.

Doug insists on opening the door for her, but when he pulls on the knob, it appears to be rubber. He keeps pulling until the handle breaks free and the inflatable castle takes off.

The inflatable mansion flies away, deflating, revealing Loretta's stash of electronics, jewelry, fur coats, and other things that could be sold to purchase a real house.

She breaks down and admits that she's a con artist. She says, "I make boys fall in love with me then take them for all they've got!" Well done, Doug Funnie, P.I., but who hired you? Seriously.

After the fantasy, Doug decides to put this plan into action on Monday. I guess he has better things to do this weekend, and Skeeter's wallet can handle a few days of gold-digging.

Except Skeeter calls right after he makes up his mind to say he's going on a ski trip with Loretta. He's calling from the store where he's about to spend all his money of clothes for her, based on the promise that her aunt will pay him back.

Doug jumps into action. He rides his bike to the mall as fast as he can and stops Skeeter as he's walking up to the cash register.

They're both surprised to see Doug. He says he knows she's been lying. He says Fentruck told him that she doesn't really speak Yakostonesian. A little embarrassed, she admits that she only knows a few common phrases. Skeeter asks why she would lie about something dumb like that and she says she wanted him to think she was cool. He says he thinks she's cool anyway, so it's no problem. Then Skeeter says he better pay for those clothes before Aunt Marlene gets there, and while Doug is trying to explain that there is no Aunt Marlene, guess who shows up.

Aunt Marlene. Skeeter pays for the clothes (for some reason, Marlene doesn't just pay for them herself. She's apparently going to pay him back anyway, right?) and they get in the private jet and go have fun skiing.

At home, Doug writes in his journal about how he learned you shouldn't judge someone too quickly. "Even if they don't speak Yakostonesian, they still might be speaking the truth about everything else."

Then he promises to Porkchop...

...that he'll never judge anybody again.

"LYING! LYING! LYING! LYING!"

The fantasies are great in this episode. In the first one, Loretta is sort of hitting on Doug, implying he wishes she was attracted to him. He also wants her to drink transmission fluid. The second one is all about what a gold-digger bitch she is, based on the simple fact that Skeeter had to buy her a movie ticket. And the third one is all about winning his friend back. This episode is Doug putting "misery loves company" into practice. He's clearly jealous. Skeeter found his Patti Mayonnaise crush, and instead of sitting on it and developing an anxiety disorder, he's going on a ski trip to another country with his crush within a week. What has Doug done with Patti? He made her a failed towel rack and destroyed her old house. Doug apparently learned a lesson about judging people, but completely missed the lesson Skeeter gave him about taking action. Skeeter don't fuck around.