Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Episode 35, Part 1: Doug's Hot Property
This is Sully's Comic & Book Nook. Right now, Doug is inside negotiating a trade. He's trying to give Sully 3 Brainwave Womans, 4 Human Cyclones, and 1 Yo-yo Girl for a copy of The Amazing Man O Steel Man #45. Sully is not convinced. This comic is the last issue drawn by the original creator, Darby Blue. Doug throws in the first 5 issues of The Lumpy Squad. Deal.
While celebrating this amazing deal, Skeeter tells Sully that Doug has the entire Man O Steel Man series. Doug points out that he doesn't have #1 and Sully figures this is the best moment to show his dick to these children.
This cover is not as cool as Action Comics #1.
Sully was storing this comic in a drawer under the desk saying it just came in. Doug asks how much it costs and Sully says it's not for sale. It took him 10 years to find that copy. It's his! He does let Doug hold it for a bit before he puts it on a special shelf behind the counter to prove that he has the biggest nerd dick of all the comic shop owners in Bluffington. All the children will be in to see Sully's priceless nerd dick.
Later, Doug is distracting Skeeter from his badass arcade game by lamenting the idea of collecting comics. What's the point of collecting them if you can't get the first one? Doug points out that there are only 75 copies in the whole world.
Some guy in the arcade overhears him talking about comics and offers to sell him some. Doug and Skeeter follow him outside to his car, because they have shitty parents that never told them they shouldn't do that.
At first Doug is unimpressed with the comics he sees, even though you can see that some of them are the same ones he just traded to Sully. You can see The Lumpy Squad right there on top. But digging around, he finds a copy of The Amazing Man O Steel Man #1 and almost loses his shit.
Doug thinks they might not realize what they have and decides to see if he can lowball them. He has to keep elbowing Skeeter because he keeps trying to point out how expensive and rare that comic is. The guys think the comic might be worth something since it's wrapped in plastic but Doug says it's not even in mint condition. He says there are "thumb marks on the edges of the pages, and a rolled spine, and look at that tear right there." Being the savvy businessmen they are, the guys ask Doug how much he'll pay for it. Doug grabs all the money in his pocket, which looks like a ten, a couple of ones, and some change, and they take the deal.
At home, Doug puts the comic with his collection and has a fantasy.
Looks very inappropriate, but he's just holding Doug up while he's flying.
Man O Steel Man takes him to meet the other superheroes.
That's Yo-yo Girl, the Human Cyclone, and Brainwave Woman. They are all very impressed with Doug's ability to collect comics. Brainwave Woman interrupts the celebration to say that she has detected a massive disturbance. She uses her powers to show them shots of people on the street as their clothes disappear. Man O Steel Man says it could only be the work of one man and Doug says it must be Dr. Master Snatcher, first introduced in issue #45. Now they are all really impressed with Doug's knowledge. Finally they have a friend that can answer those really tough questions on trivia night! In fact, Man O Steel Man uses one of his powers to turn Doug into a superhero.
He is now Comic Collector Boy.
After the fantasy, Doug is walking with Skeeter to Sully's, talking about how he can't wait to tell him how he got the comic. Unfortunately, Sully's is closed. Looking through the door window, Doug notices that Sully's copy of #1 is gone. He says, "no way it could be the same one, Skeeter." They reason that stuff like this happens all the time. While Doug is saying they still don't know anything out of the ordinary happened, Porkchop interrupts with the newspaper.
Who didn't see that coming? Doug immediately goes back to his fantasy where he's Comic Collector Boy, flying with his new team to stop the evil Dr. Master Snatcher.
Poor Human Cyclone has to fly by windmilling his arms constantly.
They fly down to Sully's comic shop and notice all their comics have been stolen. This makes all the superheroes, except for Comic Collector Boy, very weak.
They point out that if Dr. Master Snatcher has every comic book in the galaxy, he'll have control of their super powers. It doesn't make a lot of sense...
After the fantasy, Doug and Skeeter go back to the mall to try to find the guys that sold them the comic. Skeeter can't remember what they looked like, and Doug gives him a vague description that could be applied to literally everyone around them.
"The store stayed closed for over a week. I knew that if I could only talk to Mr. Sully, he'd tell me my issue #1 wasn't a stolen one. That it was just some...crazy coincidence."
Doug sees Sully walking towards the store and runs off, because he apparently doesn't actually want to talk to him about it. He reasons that, even if it was the stolen one, he bought it fair and square. It was pretty fair and square if you overlook the fact that he lowballed the shit out of those idiots to buy stolen property. He finally decides to ask his dad what to do.
"Um, there's this kid, right? And he's got a hold of this...this thing, right? And later this kid finds out that this thing that he's wanted for so long, may be a bad thing. Well, it's a good thing. It's really great. But it may be bad..."
"And whatever that thing is, he didn't do the bad thing. Somebody else did."
"Which thing are we talking about?"
"Well, the most important thing in the whole world! And he bought it fair and square."
"Well, if it's fair and square..."
"You mean he should keep it?"
"Well, if it's fair and square..."
It's honestly hard to tell if Phil is actually agreeing with Doug here or if he intended to have some dumbass rhyming lesson about how Doug wouldn't be worried about it if it really was fair and square. It does seem like Doug cuts him off at the end. Maybe if Phil actually got the whole story and not the vague, barely applicable version Doug fed him, it would be clearer what he thought on the subject. It's hard to believe he'd actually be helpful though.
Excited, Doug runs off with Skeeter, who is also impressed that Phil gave him permission to keep it. They notice that Sully's store is open again and there's a line to get in. New signs on the door indicate that they are now only allowing one kid under the age of 18 in at a time. They get in line.
Doug finally gets his chance and to add to the absurdity of his one kid policy, he's added two security guards at the door and watches Doug from a monitor.You can see it in this picture...
Doug apologizes about the robbery and Sully grunts. Doug asks him if Man O Steel Man #1 got stolen too. Sully turns to him and says, "they all got lifted. Now either buy something or leave, so the next greedy kid can come in a snoop around!" Doug is shocked and returns to the fantasy.
The superheroes are fading. Without the comics, they have no history. Without a history, they don't exist. Yo-yo Girl points out that Comic Collector Boy isn't fading like them. Man O Steel Man says that it's because he has issue #1. Comic Collector Boy protests that he bought it fair and square, and Man O Steel Man says, "we know! Goodbye, Comic Collector Boy." Then they all fade out of existence, as you can see Brainwave Woman above.
After the fantasy, Doug gives Sully the comic and says he's not the one that stole it. Sully tells his security guards, Eric and Norman, to get rid of the signs. Because he's so happy to have #1 back, Sully lets all the kids into the store and gives them complimentary copies of the latest issue of The Lumpy Squad. I wish I had been there that day.
That's the end. There's a fantasy where Comic Collector Boy is just Doug and he's sharing his comics with the superheroes. He doesn't go to the police with information about the guys that sold him the comic. He never bothers to find out if his dad meant to give him good advice. At this point, you have to believe that Doug thinks his father is shitty. Whether Phil meant to give him good advice before Doug interrupted him and took off is irrelevant. Doug took what he thought his father was saying and saw that it was wrong. To him, his dad was wrong and it was making a nice old man into a miserable cunt.
What's wrong with the police in Bluffington? They can't catch those two idiot thieves? They were selling the comics out of the trunk of their car at the mall in broad daylight right after the robbery happened. And they were approaching young boys in the mall to lure them outside to sell the comics. Pathetic.