Doug's alarm wakes him up at 7 am.
A voice-over asks, "tired of waking up for school?" Doug is intrigued.
"Wish you could do something more exciting, like fighter pilot?"
The mysterious voice-over continues throwing Doug into different jobs.
As a doctor, he asks for a sponge, uses it to dry his forehead, and the patient is taken away untouched.
He just gets clobbered as a professional athlete.
Nothing really happens when he's an archeologist.
He's embarrassed by his tights, but Porkchop is into it.
I don't know why this voice-over is making his mind try on all these professions.
Coming soon to my portfolio...
After this one, the voice-over says, "okay, stop." Doug and Porkchop fall back into Doug's bed.
"Now, do you wanna know where you can get training for all these careers absolutely free?"
"Don't be foolish. Get schoolish! This message was brought to you by the people who like school."
So, Doug finally starts his journal entry about school. His first sentence is, "school really can help you be what you wanna be." Doug already understands this, so it's almost a warning that we're about to get an episode about someone else learning a lesson.
As an example, Doug says that Chalky wants to be a doctor and school is helping him prepare for that.
Doug says Chalky will be in school until he's 30. He then takes an unnecessary shot at Skunky, saying he'll be in school until he's 30 also. Skunky is playing with a flask and bunsen burner when Mr. Bone confiscates both. The implication of course is that Skunky is stupid and will never graduate. What did Skunky ever do to you, Doug?
The basic set-up for this episode doesn't really make a lot of sense. Doug basically says that Connie seemed like she was going to drop out of school. Why? Well, it started when Mr. Mayonnaise played a video in class.
At the end of the video, Mr. Mayonnaise says, "so much for local history in the making, how about a hand for our own Connie Benge!" The class cheers and Connie blushes.
What the shit is this about? Why did he show that video? What class does he teach? Is it history? He teaches history. What does her video have to do with history? The bell rings and as the students get up to leave, he reminds them of their impending test on Friday.
While digging through his locker, Doug tells Skeeter, "it's kinda neat having someone even a little famous at our school." Skeeter says the whole town will be famous once he finds the lake monster. Connie joins them and they act like geek fans.
Doug asks, "is that you? Aren't you Connie Benge, famous tv star and singer?" Skeeter asks for her autograph. She tells them to cut it out and then they leave the school together. She's saying she wasn't even that good, but Doug reassures her that she was great. Outside, they are greeted by a crowd.
Something's missing here right? Maybe I don't have the full episode and what I have is missing a very critical scene that makes sense of this. There's no explanation for where the video of Connie came from. Is it from another episode that I've either forgotten or haven't seen? Doug just says Mr. Mayonnaise played it in class. Immediately after that, she was mildly famous. This is only further confused by the rest of the episode, as you'll see.
At Lucky Duck Lake, Skeeter is creeping around with a small net. At some bushes, he gets a bit of a smirk on his face as he brings the net down onto something. He declares, "I caught the Lucky Duck Monster!"
I think the lake is supposed to be foggy, as a sort of explanation as to how Skeeter could have made such a stupid mistake, but I'm not convinced. Skeeter needs to get his damn eyes checked. Skeeter is disappointed by his catch, then asks what they are doing. They say they are shooting wildlife, then tell him to watch. Skeeter is somewhat horrified by the idea, because he thinks they are hunting. They use a device to scare up some ducks, and then use the most awesome, ridiculous camera to shoot pictures.
Skeeter is intrigued by the device they used to call the birds. He thinks it could be adapted to call the monster. They are skeptical.
They laugh at Skeeter and jokingly suggest the monster is an alien
placed there for safe-keeping. Skeeter doesn't think that's such a
far-fetched idea and for some reason that makes them think it's not so
crazy. They agree to help him.
On television, K-Bluff's Spaceman is promoting a song contest.
This weekend, Flounder from The Beets will be judging the contest. The winning song will be played on K-Bluff and the winning songwriter or group will get a night on the town with Flounder.
Apparently already famous for being on TV, Connie is looking forward to the contest to win an appearance on the radio. I'm still pretty sure I'm missing something that makes this make even a little sense.
At lunch the next day, Doug says Connie is turning everything she sees into a song.
Doug and Skeeter are eating their crappy cafeteria food and she sings about how she saw it move so it couldn't be FDA approved. Chalky calls the song great, and Doug and Skeeter agree with him but push their food away, no longer hungry.
Later, this guy asks her to sing a song about him. She's holding a harmonica and wails, "I got the retainer blues!"
So, she sings a crappy blues song about his crooked teeth. He feels bad. She didn't need to do that. She could have made the song about his stupid tie (editor's note: I would actually like a tie like that and if you can provide one for me that would be just swell and you should send me a message and hook me up because I need something to wear to job interviews) but no she had to sing about something he can't change so easily but he's clearly trying to change. After he sulks off, his friends tell Connie her song wasn't nice. They say he's very sensitive about his appliance. She says they obviously don't know what the blues are. One of them points out that "the blues are a slow tempo'd music style containing flatted thirds and sevenths."
After school, Beebe stops Connie outside to remind her that they had planned to study. There's a beat-boxing beat coming from an unknown source and Connie uses that to do something truly horrible.
"Yo, my name is Beebe Bluff. I can never get enough. My daddy owns the town and buys me lots of stuff!"
Unimpressed, Beebe asks, "don't you think you're taking this contest thing a little too far?"
"Maybe I'm takin' this too far, or you're just jealous I'm a star."
Beebe walks away without another word.
At Mr. Swirly, Beebe warns Doug, Patti, and Skeeter that they better leave before Connie starts singing about their big noses. Doug and Skeeter actually seem to be concerned about this. Patti says Connie already sang about her haircut. Beebe says Connie is so full of herself after being on TV. Doug says that's harsh, but then Connie finally enters the restaurant and sings a song about how she's so full of herself. Doug tells Beebe, "I guess you've got a point. Well, leave it to me. I can handle it."
Connie wants to talk to Doug. Before Doug can get into however he planned to handle Connie (seriously, we missed out on what surely would have been a great blunder), Connie asks Doug about his band that had 17 drummers. She wants to team up so they can win the song contest. Doug immediately agrees, impressing Beebe with his great situation handling abilities.
Doug has a fantasy that's just The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. It's Connie and the Duggles though.
There are three Doug's playing three drum sets. Naturally, if Doug was a Beatle, he's be Ringo three times before he was anyone else. In the audience, Patti says, "oh, Doug! You are so rock-n-roll." She then swoons and slumps down in her chair, though it's unclear which Doug she's talking about. This whole sequence is especially weird with the sound, because Connie is singing but she's clearly not singing in the audio.
The mostly female audience is chanting Doug's name when Ms. Kristal pops up, calmly asking for his attention.
This doesn't seem to happen as much as it did in the Nickelodeon series, but Doug's fantasy is being interrupted by his reality. After Ms. Kristal says, "Doug?" a few times, she asks, "are you listening?"
She just wants to collect his homework. How much did he miss while he was out? Meanwhile, Connie didn't even do her homework because she couldn't see how it would help her career as a rock star.
After class, Doug asks her if she's maybe taking the competition too seriously.
She says they have to be serious to beat out the competition. Doug asks, "what competition?" On cue, music starts playing over the school intercom. The A/V club has formed their own band, and taken over the intercom. They're playing a song about how they are nerds.
I like that they took the effort to dress in full DEVO costume even though no one can see them because that is not how school intercom systems work. Fucking nerds, right?
Doug says they're good, and Connie tells him not to worry. She says she has a secret weapon.
Her secret weapon sucks. She has Beets trading cards. The trading cards have Flounder's Rules for Rock Superstardom. Doug reads the first one she hands him. "Rule #34: Wear a woolly hat when cold is where you're at." This episode predates the internet's version of Rule #34, but somewhere out there is Doug, Connie, and a woolly hat doing stuff I don't want to see so if you find it please keep it to yourself.
Anyway, Doug think's the woolly hat rule is practical, but thinks they should actually practice a song. Connie reads another rule and it pertains to how you're supposed to look. "Without a rockin' look, you're just a rockin' schnook." Connie has video evidence to reinforce this idea.
Doug has a fantasy about how this plays out. In the first one, they're dressed as they normally dress, and they're unenthusiastically singing a song about how they practiced a lot. The crowd boos and throws shit at them.
Another take has them in different clothes, jamming on their instruments. Fireworks are exploding. The crowd goes wild.
The less said about this, the better. After the fantasy, Connie drags Doug to the mall to buy what they need to achieve a look.
Meanwhile, Skeeter, Al, and Moo are working on their monster call.
With this engine, they've got all the parts they need. Skeeter asks them where they got it and they hesitate before saying they found it. They are thieves, basically.
At the mall, Doug and Connie are walking out of an art supplies store. Doug asks her what all the posterboard is for. She reads another rule that says, "publicity is a necessity." Basically, she wants Doug to make 100 posters for their band so they (or rather, he) can put them around town. They'll win the contest by making sure everyone knows who they are, even though it's really only one guy judging the contest.
Doug says he has two tests coming up, so he doesn't have time to make all these posters. Connie says she has four tests she has to blow off, so everyone has to make sacrifices to win the contest. The nerds interrupt their discussion again by broadcasting their video throughout the mall.
Doug says they're really good. Connie agrees, then gives Doug another hundred posterboards. Doug just wants to know when they're going to practice.
Back in Skeeter's story, Al and Moo are ready to unveil their monster call. Unlike the convenient, hand-held device they used to call birds, the monster call is a full vehicle.
Skeeter says it looks like they stole the design from Dr. Seuss. They say it's an homage. They turn on the machine and all the dogs in the neighborhood start howling. Al and Moo say they need to make adjustments.
So Doug is actually working on the posters.
Connie is working on the other rules for rock superstardom. The rule she's currently working on is about wild hair.
She also gets a leather jacket, big shoes, and a guitar with five necks.
Doug somehow finished the posters and wants to show Connie. He is initially shocked by her new look. She says she has a surprise for him. The surprise is Roger.
"Rule #3: If you want a big recording deal, get a manager who can lie, cheat, and steal."
Roger looks at one of Doug's posters and calls them outdated. He says Connie Benge doesn't exist anymore. She explains that she dropped her last name, just like Flounder. Roger says the problem now is that Doug is just "Dork Funnie." Finally, Doug gets his rock star makeover.
Roger says he almost looks cool. Presumably he means "almost" in a Peter Criss sort of way, even though the makeup is clearly a Paul Stanley. Connie says they're going to have to rehearse their song all night and all day tomorrow, finally. Doug protests because they have a history test tomorrow. She says they're going to have to quit school. Doug is not okay with this. Roger points out that Flounder quit school and became a rich rock star. Connie gives him an ultimatum: quit school or quit the band.
The first act we see at the big song competition is a little weird. It's four people wearing hats shaped like ears of corn, and they're square dancing. The last line of their song is, "I decided not to take off my shoe, 'cuz I'm saving my toenails for you." Stiff competition.
The K-Bluff host introduces the next group, Lamar Bone's Polkamaniacs.
Doug narrates that he only came to the competition to tell Connie he wasn't going to quit school to be in her band.
Al and Moo have made their adjustments and they are finally ready to call the monster. Skeeter pulls a lever to start the incomprehensible monster call, and the machine blows the garage door away.
An animation mistake replaces the garage door as they attempt to drive the not-street-legal vehicle out of the garage. The machine doesn't fit, so Al and Moo cut big chunks out of the garage door frame so it fits.
Back at the contest, Connie says she doesn't see the nerds. Roger says they got distracted before the contest.
In a flashback, we see Roger telling the nerds that he needs help setting up his 4D TV. Opening the doors on the entertainment center, Roger is not surprised to find that the TV is already hooked up.
Roger's plan works because nerds can't resist the chess world championship. Can you tell that the guy is playing chess against a toaster? Because that's what's happening. The nerds are mesmerized. All the work they've put into their act and this is where it ends....
Doug asks Connie if they can talk alone. Roger says she's not Connie anymore. She's this.
Doug doesn't get it. Roger and Connie are condescending about the whole thing. Doug doesn't even get to quit the band. She tells them to stand aside while she observes Rule #1: Get crazy on the stage and you'll be all the rage. She picks up a guitar and smashes it. Roger points out that it wasn't her guitar. After they walk off, the guitar's owner finds his shattered instrument.
Meanwhile, Skeeter, Al, and Moo drive their machine right past a turn they were apparently supposed to take to get to Lucky Duck Lake. Al and Moo comment on their lack of a steering wheel.
Back at the contest, the K-Bluff host introduces the Kid Formerly Known as Connie.
Not Pictured: Prince.
Her song is all about how much she hates school and doesn't need it. Everyone loves it. The host says it's time to find out who wins, when Flounder says, "hold on. I think I hear a late entry." What he hears is Skeeter, Al, and Moo and their monster machine.
It's making all kinds of noise that I couldn't begin to describe. The machine crashes into the stage. Al and Moo are disoriented and think they've caught the monster and its alien elder. Flounder hops down from the stage and asks Skeeter his name.
Skeeter introduces himself and Flounder announces the winner. It's Skeeter and his song Monster Call. Doug tells Connie she was really good and Roger says he would have brought the energy up a little.
At Mr. Swirly, Connie is drowning her sorrows in curly fries.
The waiter asks if Connie wants to talk about it, and Connie says, "I lost to a big goofy horn. What's to say!? More fries!"
Flounder responds, "but you came pretty darn close."
The waiter asks for Flounder's autograph after he asks for an order to go.
Angrily, Connie says she did everything his cards said to win, even quit school. He asks, "my cards said to quit school?"
"Not exactly, but you quit school."
Flounder struggles to spell out "love" for the autograph. Connie helps him out, then asks what's the point of school if you're going to rock and roll. Flounder then struggles to spell Flounder. Connie is surprised he can't spell. He admits he can't read too good either. Connie doesn't think this is a big deal because he is at least rich. He says he isn't. He asks, "would a rich guy need to judge a local radio contest?" He says quitting school is what got The Beets in trouble in the first place.
They couldn't read their contracts, and when they broke up the record company took everything. Presumably, there's a Bluffington equivalent of Michael Jackson eager to buy the rights to the songs.
Here's the really shitty thing: Wendy went to college, studying pre-law so she understood the contract. After the breakup, she's fine.
Couldn't help out your band mates then, eh? Shitty thing to do.
Flounder offers to add a new rule to his trading cards. "It's cool to stay in education."
Connie suggests, "it's cool to stay in school." Flounder then has trouble spelling school.
So Connie stays in school and Flounder determines to become more literate. He writes a song about how cool it is to stay in school and blows away this crowd of eight.
Connie congratulates Skeeter on the win and says Monster Call really is a great song. Doug laments the fact that the call never made it to Lucky Duck Lake.
Skeeter says it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Meanwhile a couple is at the lake dancing to the song when the water nearby starts bubbling.
This episode makes no fucking sense. I love most of the songs in it, so it's a wash, but like...Connie became famous because Mr. Mayonnaise played a video of her in class? Then, after becoming locally famous, her next big step was winning a competition nearly everyone in town entered? Connie decided to quit school to win a local radio contest with the world's most underwhelming prize. Where are her parents during all of this? Probably hanging out with Phil and Theda.
Skeeter, Al, and Moo built this horn vehicle to try to call the monster out of the lake, but it crashed and they never got to take it to the lake. They can't rebuild it or better, just take the recording of it to the lake? That's it? The end of that idea. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but first lets waste a week stealing shit to build it.