Episode 15: Doug's Secret Christmas

This episode begins with a Grinch parody that really doesn't relate to the story at all. First, Roger is the Grinch.

He sneaks down the chimney and is disappointed to find the Funnie house is entirely empty of Christmas cheer. Where did it go? It was already bagged up by this Doug Grinch!

And that's it. It makes no sense, and nothing in the episode makes it make sense. Doug doesn't steal his family's Christmas.

After this pointless fantasy, Doug talks about the various traditions of Bluffington families. Skeeter's is my favorite, because he just stocks up on snacks and watches every Christmas special, including the one about Porkchop getting arrested for biting Beebe.

Disney: Not allowed to look like Nickelodeon; Watching it is perfectly okay.

Mr. Dink spends the entirety of this episode trying to fix his crappy Santa display. Right now it's saying "hubba hubba hubba." It only says, "ho ho ho," as he's finally taking it down.

At the Funnie house, Doug starts Christmas the day after Thanksgiving by decorating his room. Then a few days before Christmas, the family puts up the tree.

Please note the slice of pizza just above Porkchop's head.

The night after that, Phil puts up the lights on the house. Then after the last day of school, Doug and Judy put up the stockings. On Christmas Eve, they visit Grandma Funnie for fruitcake and presents. Before all of this though, Doug has to make his list.

So we see Doug making his list and asking Porkchop if he should ask for in-line skates or a dirtbike, as if those are even remotely in the same price range. Porkchop makes a noise that could mean literally anything because he's a dog, and Doug says, "maybe you're right; both." He checks them off on his list that only has one more item on it (Beets box set). Satisfied with his list, he goes downstairs to find his mother.

Theda is working with Judy on some breathing exercises while Phil just reads in that other room back there. Theda tells Judy she still has a month before the baby is due, so this shit isn't necessary (because being prepared and knowing that premature babies happen is for young people). Instead of bothering them, Doug walks into the other room to give his list to Phil.

Doug asks if he has a second to talk, and he nervously says he wanted to talk too. He walks to the doorway to check to see they're alone, and he finally starts the talk. He wants to tell Doug where babies come from. That book he was reading is called "How It's Done: The Birds & Bees Story." I think it's a little weird that he read this book to prepare to give Doug the talk instead of just giving the book to Doug.

Doug finally realizes what Phil has been talking about since summer when he's been talking about fish and vampires and the combustion engine. Without shame, Doug explains that he learned about sex in school and explains the whole thing to Phil. Phil is relieved and thanks him, saying he guesses they left a few things out when he was a kid. Most likely they still leave a few things out and Doug just happened to get lucky that his school didn't suck at teaching one subject.

After the talk, Phil mentions that there's not going to be a lot of time for Christmas presents and all that stuff. Doug didn't even get to ask for a dirtbike. He quickly hides his Christmas list behind his back and says he was working on a list of baby names. Judy steals the list and laughs at his suggestions, because In-line Skates and Dirtbike would be laughable names. Judy says she likes the name Cleopatra before Doug chases her up the stairs.

The good news is that the outside of Beebe Bluff Middle School is finished.

I now have a hard time believing they ever had trouble thinking of a name for the school.

I don't quite know what to make of this scene. Beebe approaches Doug to tell him her dad won't make the servants work on Christmas, and her family is going snorkeling in Beluba (?) as usual (?) and she wants Doug to feed her fish.

At first, I thought this meant she thought Doug was among her best friends, but her mention of servants obviously makes me think otherwise. Doug doesn't question her thought process as much as me and accepts the unpaid job, so maybe I'm the crazy one. Suddenly, Fentruck jumps out of a nearby garbage can, shouting gibberish.

Fentruck was trying to scare Doug and Beebe. He explains that Christmas is the scariest day of the year in Yakostonia. He says everyone dresses up in costumes and goes door to door and blah blah blah it's Halloween. Roger tries to point out that it's just Halloween, but Fentruck just tells him that's how his country celebrates this time of year.

On the way home from school, Doug walks by the place where his family buys their Christmas trees. The tree salesman Mr. Chestnut (sounding a bit like Pat Buttram) recognizes Doug and calls him his best customer, because that's what they all say. Doug says he's just looking but will be back with his dad in a little bit. At home, he finds that Phil has already taken care of the tree.

Phil wants Doug to put it together while he takes Theda to birth buddy classes. I guess that's a thing. Probably just a stupid name for lamaze classes. Doug doesn't bother to finish the tree.

The next day is the last day of school, so Doug puts on his scarf and heads off to class. Fentruck gives everyone a traditional Yakostonesian feast, which involves apple bobbing, cotton candy and dancing around dressed as a ghost. Roger protests.

After school, Doug and Skeeter go shopping for some last minute gifts. Doug looks at some earrings and a woman suggests some earrings that look like tiny speakers. He imagines how that will work out.

Patti doesn't like them. They will cause her to go deaf. He asks the woman for something smaller and quieter. She shows him something and he says he'll see if he has enough money. Before he can count it, Skeeter calls him over to show him a Christmas tree waffle iron.

Christmas tree waffles used to be part of his family tradition until he ruined his dad's Christmas tree waffle iron making some stupid shit that shouldn't have been made of waffles. He wants to get it for his dad, but he doesn't have enough money, Doug makes up the difference.

Best friend ever?

At home, Doug wonders what he can buy Patti with his remaining $.63. He quickly realizes his best option is to make something for her. In the kitchen, he grabs the flour and sea salt. In the garage, he cuts some wire and starts working with miscellaneous bullshit. After painting the earrings, he puts them in the oven. Theda asks him what he's cooking and he says it's something for Patti. "But don't ask a lot of questions. It's a surprise."

When he takes them out of the oven, he tells Theda he still needs to work on them a little. As he walks away, she mentions that she hopes someone has time to finish working on the Christmas tree. He mutters to himself that it's not a tree as he climbs the stairs to his room.

When he finishes the gift, he wraps it up, marks off the day on his calendar and heads off to Mr. Swirly's to meet Patti. It's the last day he'll get to see her before she leaves for her grandparents'. And finally, we get to see Doug's gift completed, which looks exactly the same as it did before he put it in the oven. It's earrings. Ear earrings.

Doug van Gogh, everybody!

Patti loves her ear earrings, and gives Doug his gift. She insists he doesn't open it until Christmas. Totally fair.

On the way home, Doug stops by Beebe's to feed her fish. Her fish are piranha and they eat raw steak. While there, he observes some of Roger's Christmas traditions.

My favorite part of the Christmas story was when baby Jesus sang carols with four wise clowns while the shepherds practiced break dancing.

On the way home, Doug passes Chalky's house and finds their family playing football. All this shit makes him wish for a more old fashioned Christmas. He has a fantasy where his family does this and it's ridiculous. After entering  the cabin they don't live in, Phil welcomes him to the Funnie family Christmas special. He's just in time for the big finish when the barn comes apart. The cabin (barn?) splits and a big ice skating number with one of The Beets singing happens around the family.

This is Doug's idea of an old fashioned Christmas....

After the fantasy, Doug runs across Al and Moo. They are dressed in clothes with flashing Christmas lights. They are also confused because Mr. Dink's Santa display is now repeating "blah blah blah." They inquire about the lack of decorations on his house and he feels sad. Inside, he asks when they'll be going to Grandma Funnie's. Theda breaks the news that they aren't going. Shit just keeps getting worse.

In his room, Porkchop is finishing his Christmas cards way too late.

Seriously?

Doug complains about the lack of everything and imagines what Christmas will actually be like. He has a short fantasy with his family sitting wordlessly around the breakfast table. Phil stops reading the newspaper long enough to mutter, "merry Christmas." The end. After the fantasy, Doug goes to get a real tree.

Back at the only place that sells Christmas trees in Bluffington (apparently), Mr. Chestnut has one tree left.

It's free. Walking home, Doug tells Porkchop that even if nobody else cares about Christmas, they'll have their own secret Christmas.

Back home, Doug and Porkchop exchange gifts. Porkchop got Doug a new journal. Amazingly thoughtful for a dog.

Doug got Porkchop a "World's Greatest Dog" mug.

Porkchop tries to act like he likes it, but you can tell he thinks it sucks.

After the exchange, Doug pouts in his room, waiting for anyone else that wants to celebrate Christmas to join them. It's absurd because he called it their very own secret Christmas earlier. Now he expects everyone to know and join them. He turns on the radio while he waits. At the end of the song, the dj announces that was a dedication from Doug to himself. The lack of other people makes him upset and he heads downstairs to see what's going on. This is when he finally notices that no one is actually home. The phone rings and it's Phil. They're at the hospital.

They thought they had another week, but in all the rush and confusion they forgot Doug. So, bam.

New Jesus?

Doug asks, "what's her name?"

Phil: "We decided to use the names you and Judy came up with."
Doug and Judy: "Our names?"
Theda: "Douglas...Judy...meet Cleopatra Dirtbike Funnie."

Nope. Nope nope nope. What kind of drugs did they give Theda and why did they give Phil some too?

So after getting home from the hospital, the Funnie family decided to throw a Christmas party. Who cares if it's a couple of days late? Everyone showed up and had a great time. Also, what a great time to host a party! You've got a two day old child and you haven't had time to do anything around the house. Better invite the whole town over!

Anyway, at the party, Mr. Valentine thanks Doug for what he did for Skeeter. Fentruck keeps fucking with Roger regarding his country's traditions. He explains that Yakostonian Halloween is basically American Easter. Roger drops to the floor and acts like a child.

Doug suggests that having a baby be their new annual tradition. It is not a well received joke. I include this picture because I'm just glad they invited the clown.

Finally, Patti makes Doug open his gift. With his sister being born, he forgot. There's no reason he couldn't have opened it at Mr. Swirly's. She made him a scarf.

It's so wide at one end that he can't tell what it is. She says it gets tiny at the other end because she ran out of yarn. Doug is impressed since she hates knitting. They say merry Christmas to each other and she hugs him before wandering off.

So that's it. Doug's secret Christmas is basically a pity party he threw for himself to spite his family for being too preoccupied with the birth of his little sister. Even worse, he expects his family to know about his secret Christmas and join him, assuming they want to wise up and recognize what's really important: dead trees and material goods.

Remember the Grinch fantasy? What's up with that? It's pretty much the opposite of what's going on here. Doug wants to have a traditional Christmas. Instead of stealing traditional Christmas from anyone, Roger repeatedly complains about someone doing it wrong. Granted, Fentruck's wrong way of doing it is traditional for himself, the fantasy shows him trying to steal Christmas from the Funnie's. Unless he's the father of Cleopatra Dirtbike, he did no such thing.

It may be February and Presidents' Day may be my favorite holiday, but merry Christmas everyone! Also happy new years, halloween, Chanukah, and so on in that fashion until we get to leap day.

And yes, I am aware that Cleopatra Dirtbike was named by the fans.