This episode begins with Doug acting like a jerk. He's leaning against a wall in the cafeteria, stealing food from other students as they walk by.
Then he says, "nice way to lose yesterday's game, Mayonnaise!" Patti thinks it's Roger and starts to tell him off before noticing Doug. Doug immediately owns up to being the jerk she thought was Roger, then calls her "girly girl" and mocks her further. As she storms off, Doug tries to apologize, but Roger will have none of that!
So this is a fantasy. Doug wonders how he ever let Roger get control of him.
After the fantasy, Doug gives us an update on the family. Porkchop is learning to juggle. Judy is practicing for a one-man show. Theda is more pregnant than ever. In cutting up a cake for the family, everyone gets one thin slice while she eats the rest. Also, she's super emotional. Saying goodbye to Doug in the morning, she starts crying and staring at an old picture of him.
After finishing his journal entry, Doug has to start working on his history project. He hasn't decided who the subject will be, so Porkchop stands up and volunteers. Doug says it has to be an important historical figure. It can't be about his dog. Oh, the time Doug wastes looking around his room, having conversations with things that want to be the subject of his school projects.
Leaving his room, he tells Porkchop he has to do his project on someone really great. He peeks into Judy's room and something catches his eye.
Yep! Doug's found his great person to write about: Napoleon. Well, why not? He's got the costume! Before he can do much of anything, Judy runs into the room, grabs the costume, throws it into the trunk, and slams it shut. She reminds him that he is forbidden to touch her costumes and kicks him out of her room.
He starts begging because adding a costume to his project guarantees him an A. She refuses, saying the costume is expensive and irreplaceable. Doug says he'll guard it with his life. They get into a repetitive argument that brings their mother to tears.
This makes Judy relent. Doug can borrow it, but he has to sign a contract.
Doug doesn't even read the contract before signing it and taking the costume. He's excited about getting an A.
The next day, Doug is looking over his Battle of Waterloo paper as he walks past Roger and his goons. Roger is demanding that they hurry up. They need to find him a topic for his history project that is due in an hour. He is immediately distracted by a delivery truck unloading a big plastic cow across the street at Curdzini's Udder Butter. He's apparently always wanted a big plastic cow. He has his own flashback to when he was a child.
There's his dad, leaving for good. He says he's going to Bloatsburg and that he'll visit, but evidence from previous episodes points to this being bullshit. Anyway, Roger doesn't give a shit about what his dad is saying. He just wants to play with the big plastic cow. His mom tells his dad to take the stupid cow with him, and they have a short argument before his dad takes the cow. This is incredibly sad for many reasons. Either Roger hates his dad and has a rosebud memory of a big plastic cow, or he copes with the loss of his deadbeat dad by believing all he really wants is the big plastic cow his dad took with him. Maybe he thinks his dad will return if he has a big plastic cow.
After the memory, Roger is checking out the cow, which repeats "buy more butter" incessantly. Mr. Curdzini walks out and Roger offers to buy the cow. Mr. Curdzini says it isn't for sale and that he loves the cow.
At school, Doug finishes up his oral report on the Battle of Waterloo before introducing Napoleon Bonapart.
Ms. Crystal immediately measures Porkchop's height and determines he's even the right height to play Napoleon. The class cheers and Doug gets his A and this somehow isn't a fantasy. Roger's report was on the Monroe Doctrine and his total misunderstanding of it.
After school, Doug is walking home when Skeeter spots him and tells him they need a goalie. Without asking which sport they were playing, Doug says, "cool," and throws his shit on the ground before running off to the basketball court.
None of this makes sense. Ignoring the sports stuff (we can just assume they ran past the basketball court to the soccer field), why the fuck did he just drop his shit right there? There's no reason he can't carry it with him and actually take care of it. Anyway, wind blows the hat away immediately.
Later, Skeeter compliments Doug on the game. He says he's never seen someone stop so many goals with his face. Upon returning to his abandoned stuff, Doug complains that someone has kicked dirt onto the coat, and oh no, the hat is gone! Shithead. They start looking everywhere.
A genius and his friend.
Doug has a fantasy about Judy's reaction, and his punishment.
There's a filthy joke in there somewhere, but I'd rather just point out that I could make a filthy joke rather than actually make a filthy joke.
After the fantasy, Skeeter suggests checking the lost and found. The lost and found is typically the first place you check, but when a crazy person and his genius friend look for something, they have to check under all the big rocks first. Unfortunately, the school is locked up now, and Doug will have to wait until tomorrow. It doesn't matter anyway. The only thing in the lost and found box is a piece of pizza.
Skeeter lost that pizza last month. He still eats it. Genius.
Skeeter suggests buying a new one, but Doug says it's impossible. It's a one-of-a-kind hat. As he continues lamenting the situation, Skeeter tries to point out the hat in a bush. Eventually Doug takes notice and tries to grab it, but that only upsets Roger, because he's wearing it. He says he found it on the street. It actually just blew onto his face.
The rickets aren't getting better. Roger says he's always wanted a crazy-guy hat. They start arguing over the hat, and Doug points out that Roger could buy dozens of Napoleon hats (contradicting his earlier statement that it's a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable hat) and Roger says he's right. Except he doesn't have to buy them because he already has one. He says the Monroe Doctrine supports his claim of finder's keepers. End of argument!
Later, Roger is trying to put a half-eaten banana into his locker but it's too full. He asks Ned and Willie if he can keep it in their lockers, but they say their lockers are already full of his crap. He decides to make a deal with Doug. Doug can have the hat back if Roger can use his locker. Doug says he needs the hat by the end of the week, and they agree. I don't know why Doug doesn't demand the hat right away.
Doug quickly finds that Roger is a hoarder.
What's he keeping that tire for? He also gets attacked by Mr. White's toupee when he opens his locker once. Mr. White is not happy.
Doug gets detention for that, and can't tell on Roger because Roger will destroy the hat. At the end of the week, Doug demands the hat, but Roger says he'll keep it for another week. Doug protests, but Roger just says he should've gotten the deal in writing.
At home, Doug starts to tell Judy he doesn't have the hat, but her friend tells him that if he doesn't have the hat, Provision M will kick in. Doug asks, "what's Provision M?" and Judy says he should have read the contract. Doug's learning all sorts of lessons this week.
Back at Curdzini's Udder Butter, Roger is still trying to buy the big plastic cow. Mr. Curdzini says he won't sell it for all the money in the world, which is idiotic when you consider that he bought it from somewhere. If he loves that cow so much, he should just charge Roger double the price he paid for it and then buy two to replace it. Then he'll have two big plastic cows to love. Mr. Curdzini is not so smart though, because he doesn't do this. Also, he opened a store that apparently only sells butter. Roger starts tugging on the cow's collar, saying he has big plans for it. These plans are amazing.
He's going to swim with it, ice skate with it, buy clothes, go to baseball games, and go hang-gliding. So yeah, he really just wants his dad back. Very sad, indeed.
Doug finds Roger lounging in his pool and demands the hat. Still obsessed with the cow, Roger gets an idea.
Roger is pretty great at math. So he tells Doug he'll give him the hat back if he does one favor. Roger threatens to ruin the hat before returning it if Doug doesn't help. This makes Doug fantasize about Provision M again. In this fantasy, Judy throws him into a Dali painting.
Then he is attacked by giant structures shaped like the letter M. The M's shoot lasers at him. After the fantasy, Doug agrees to help Roger. So Doug just has to help Roger steal the cow. Roger leaves an envelope full of money for Mr. Curdzini. And they just put roller-blades on the cow and drag it through the street.
Doug comments on how heavy it is. Eventually they get to the top of a hill and it starts rolling out of control. Doug rides with it, jumps a curb and lands in a bush.
Later that night, the Funnie family see a report on the news about the stolen cow. Doug feels terrible and goes up to his room where he stored the cow. How did he get this heavy cow up the stairs and into his room without anyone noticing? Why didn't Roger take the cow? Why doesn't Doug have the hat? Why isn't this over?
Judy comes upstairs and demands the hat. Doug says he doesn't have it and tells her to Provision M him.
Provision M states that Doug now has to appear in every one of Judy's productions from now on. This seems like a punishment to both of them, unless Doug's just a really great actor. He thinks this is worse than anything he imagined and remembered the time he played the sandwich in her play about digestion.
I'd see that play.
Judy has her friend measure Doug. Apparently Doug is just the right size for the Puck costume. At least he'll apparently be Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream, which is considerably better than a sandwich being turned into feces. I think...
Later Doug sees an interview with Mr. Curdzini on the news. Mr. Curdzini is weeping for his stolen cow. Doug wishes he'd just written his report about Porkchop, because that was clearly his only other option.
Doug decides to return the cow on his own and experiences the same trouble as when he stole it. The cow rolls down a hill and out of control. Luckily it just crashes into Mr. Curdzini, because he was sitting on the curb weeping about his cow and wishing on a star for its return.
Doug takes the money back to Roger and Roger still refuses to give the hat back. Judy catches up to Doug and demands the hat, or that he put on a Puck costume. He finally tells her that he lost the hat and Roger found it but won't give it back. She quickly finds Roger and takes the hat. Problem solved, but now Doug is stuck with Provision M since he's not the one that returned the hat. Judy's friend looks over the contract and says it doesn't matter that Doug didn't return the hat, as long as Judy has the hat in the end. Lucky Doug. Unlucky Judy. Now she doesn't have someone to play Puck. She starts crying, and Doug feels bad so he volunteers to play the part. Big mistake.
So Judy made some sort of hockey Shakespeare thing. Insanity runs in the family. I don't know. I want to see it.
"I really learned a valuable lesson; Next time I need to do a report, I'm gonna listen to my dog. The Life of Porkchop J. Funnie."
That is absolutely not the lesson he should have learned from any of this. Read your contract before you sign it. If you make a deal with someone, get it in writing. Don't just throw your stuff anywhere and expect it to be there when you return. Roger has serious father issues. Roger is a hoarder. Skeeter will eat anything. There are more historical figures than Napoleon and Porkchop. The Monroe Doctrine says, "finder's keepers!"
Also, Doug's puppet fantasy from the beginning doesn't apply once you know the whole situation. Roger didn't make Doug act like a bully. He just used his locker and made him commit a crime that made it onto the news twice. It's much worse.