Episode 51, Part 1: Doug Throws a Party

Big things are happening at the Funnie house. They've added spotlights and two massive signs that say, "Doug's." There's also a red carpet with a bunch of screaming people excited for Doug's first party.

Of course, this is all just a fantasy. Doug says he knows exactly how he wants his first party to go. In the fantasy, there's a woman with a microphone on the red carpet doing typical red carpet bullshit. When Patti arrives, she signs autographs before the microphone woman starts asking her questions. She asks Patti about her "on-again-off-again courtship" with "Dougie D." She asks if tonight might be the night we'll see something definite. Patti says she hopes so. The fantasy ends and what we've learned is that Doug secretly wants to be called Dougie D. Here he is putting the final touches of his outfit for the party.

Nice. He starts walking downstairs, excited and thinking about how this party is going to be the coolest, hippest party ever. His parents have other plans.

They apparently don't even know how old their son is. I don't know how this happened. Did Doug just ask for a party and they said sure and offered to take care of everything and so Doug just assumed they wouldn't assume he was still 6 and they'd just decorate the house a little and make themselves scarce? How did it get to the day of the party before Doug noticed his parents were going to be shitheads about this? Doug is a little horrified at first, but apparently makes no effort to stop them. Everything is decorated with Uncle Grunty crap, mostly just balloons and tablecloths.

Once everyone has arrived, the party bores them. They're all sitting around sighing and saying nothing. Phil is walking around a group of them singing "the cheese stands alone," because he's not a professional clown, so he doesn't know what clowns actually do. He just knows they're creepy and no one really likes them. Theda is helping other kids play pin the tail on the donkey in the driveway. She's doing a really shitty job though, because one blindfolded kid is wandering around inside. That kid sucks though too (obviously) so I'm not going to completely blame her for that.

Inside, Doug asks Skeeter to help him save the party. Skeeter offers to play the new Beets cd he just bought. It's convenient that he brought it with him, but puzzling as to why he didn't ask to play it before. Doug says he's just glad Patti couldn't make it right before the doorbell rings. It's Patti and Connie. Connie is wearing a ridiculous hat to cover up a bad haircut and Patti is here because her practice was cancelled. For some reason, Doug unenthusiastically offers them shitty party hats to wear. No one else is wearing the hats. The hats are part of this shitty party his parents are throwing for some 6 year old kid and there's no reason he should let that get in the way of the party he's throwing. Finally Skeeter puts on the cd.

Unfortunately it's the wrong cd. The song starts and it's clearly a small child's cd, not the new Beets. The song is that "this is the way we ___________" standard, and it's about how to properly blow your nose. Skeeter is embarrassed and says his brother must be messing with his cds. He probably should have noticed this at some point before he put the cd in the player, but he just doesn't pay attention to detail sometimes. Roger starts to mock Doug's party and suggests they play Truth or Dare.

Connie says she's not allowed to play Truth or Dare. Everyone that wants to play goes down to the basement. Roger makes them draw straws and tells everyone the rules. Hopefully someone gets to dare Roger to take some vitamin D for the rest of his life so his rickets doesn't get worse.

Willie gets the shortest straw so he gets to ask someone truth or dare first. He picks Larry and Larry picks truth. He asks if Larry has ever watched a film strip in the A/V room without permission. Roger gets pissed and says the game is no good if you play it like a bunch of preschoolers. He tells Willie to ask Larry who he has a crush on. Larry looks around the room, which makes all the girls nervous, and then says Beebe. Beebe screams and Larry passes out. Roger wakes him up with punch and tells him it's his turn. He picks Skeeter and Skeeter picks dare. He dares Skeeter to stand on his head in front of everyone. Everyone is disappointed by how boring that is and Roger makes Larry add that Skeeter has to do it in his underwear.

Only Roger and Willie are amused, and they are perhaps too amused. Skeeter asks Patti truth or dare and Doug has a ridiculous fantasy.

Roger is the host of this Blind Date type of show and he just asks Patti to tell the truth about how their first date went. She's pissed because he took her to a terrible movie, tried to hold her hand, and wanted to kiss her and it made her want to puke. After this fantasy, Patti picks dare. Skeeter says, "I dare you to..." and Roger adds "kiss." Doug has another fantasy. In this nightmare, Skeeter dares her to kiss Doug on the lips and Patti is horrified.

She runs from the basement screaming. After the fantasy, Skeeter dares her to kiss Porkchop.

Patti kisses Porkchop and Roger calls the dare lame. Patti picks Roger and Roger picks dare. She dares him to say something nice about Doug. Willie thinks this is the funniest dare ever. Roger has the hardest time saying something nice about Doug. It takes a few tries but he finally says, "Funnie's a really nice guy." It almost kills him.

So now it's Roger's turn and of course he picks Doug. Doug doesn't know if he should pick truth or dare. He has a fantasy about truth.

Dr. Klotz has Doug strapped down and a magical truth ray pointed at him. When he turns it on, Doug starts involuntarily blabbing on and on about how much he loves Patti. It's really creepy and includes "I love every blade of grass she ever walked on." Everyone is laughing but Patti begs Dr. Klotz to stop it. It's just so unbearable. After this fantasy, there's another fantasy where Doug picks dare and is dared to kiss Patti.

She's not horrified or anything. They are teleported to the beach.

This convinces Doug he needs to pick dare. Roger dares him to go upstairs to take Connie's stupid hat so everyone can see her new haircut. Doug is hesitant, but everyone goes upstairs to see the big reveal.

He walks over to Connie and can't do it. He goes back to Roger and says he won't do it. Roger calls him a baby, but Patti says it was the most grown-up thing anyone has done all night.

Success. Patti said it was sweet not to do it, and Connie asks, "sweet not to do what?" Roger says, "this," and yanks her stupid hat off. He's the only one laughing, and that stops when Connie punches him in the stomach.

Well done. She takes her hat back and asks everyone what they're staring at. She shouts, "let's party," everyone laughs, and everyone parties.

Doug and Patti are dancing together and it's pretty amusing. Connie put her hat back on, which is more embarrassing than the haircut, so I don't know what she's thinking. She could pull off much better hats. Those hats are for douchebags, and should not be worn unless you want to be embarrassed, not to avoid being embarrassed. Roger is outside nursing his stomach on the front porch.

Doug is only mildly crazy here. His fantasies are just weird. In a game of truth or dare, why does he imagine the truth is played out on a tv show, or through the use of some machine that makes you tell the truth? He has two fantasies where a dare is made that would result in him kissing Patti. When she is dared to kiss him, she's horrified and runs screaming from the room. When he is dared to kiss her, she is accepting and they end up on a deserted beach. There's something weird about that, but I'm not sure what. And to Doug, the truth is always horrible. Patti will either have to tell the truth about how much she hates Doug, or Doug will have to tell the truth about how much he loves her, which will result in her hating him. This is a problem he will struggle with for a long time, and it will contribute greatly to his anxiety disorder.

Finally, look at this picture the Funnie family has on the wall above the stairs.

Just...look at it.