Episode 38, Part 1: Doug and the Yard of Doom

Patti has invited Doug and Skeeter to the park to throw around her super screaming wacky wizzer. They are having an immeasurable amount of fun throwing this wheezing toy around. They throw it exactly three times before Patti's dad honks his horn at her, reminding her that it's time for her Judo lesson. Pointless. This is why I don't invite friends to hang out when I've got to work in thirty minutes. Before she leaves, they ask if they can borrow the super screaming wacky wizzer while she's gone. Of course they can. She tosses it to Doug, who does a short toss to Skeeter, who tells Doug to "go super long." He throws it and Doug doesn't catch it. It flies over a fence.

Doug quickly volunteers to go get it, but Skeeter warns him that's the Thompson's yard. "Watch out for lady!" Doug promptly walks in anyway and quickly runs back out. He did not retrieve the wizzer.

Race Canyon is a real badass. He is a man. Scared of nothing!

Lions cower in his gaze. His sidekick is Skeetari. He must retrieve the golden wizzer of wacky from the dreaded caves of Thompson. As Race Canyon machetes his way through a jungle full of snakes and other hungry animals, Skeetari points out Race's impressive recent accomplishments. Race made it through lava pits, deadly spikes and minefields without even a scratch! They make their way into a cave, where Skeetari sets off a trap that shoots darts at Race Canyon. He handles this by pulling a dartboard out of his jacket to catch the darts. It probably would've been easier to just step aside than carry around a dartboard just in case a trap throws darts at you, but this isn't my fantasy.

After the darts, Race Canyon and Skeetari finally start approaching the wizzer when Skeetari points out there is one more obstacle. Race asks what the obstacle is and quickly finds out that it's just a really big dog.

Dogs are so much scarier than lions.

After the fantasy, with the help of Skeeter, Doug gets a peek over the fence to see where the wizzer landed. He spots it on the corner of the roof, where Lady is barking and jumping at it.

That dog is fucking huge and strong. Or that house is really short and those gutters are made of tin foil.

Doug says they need to get the wizzer before it falls, and to do that they have to get Lady away from it. Skeeter asks how they do that and Doug has a fantasy.

Race walks into the cave and quickly gives the steak to the dog. Problem solved! Sparkling wizzer retrieved.

After the fantasy, Doug reveals that they couldn't afford steak, so they bought "the next best thing," which is just a squeaky dog toy shaped like a steak. This is reasonable, I suppose. At least it's a dog toy. They toss it to Lady. She goes nuts and scares them. They hide behind the fence in fear until Lady throws the steak-toy back over the fence.

They didn't even try to run into the yard. They obviously didn't distract the dog long enough to get the wizzer, but they didn't even try. Doug does think of a better idea though. He's going to do the old "carrot on a string" trick.

Obviously, they weren't going to use carrots. Dogs don't give a shit about carrots. They're using salami. What they've done here is waste bread. It's a dog, Doug. It doesn't care about sandwiches. It's not going to care that you went the extra mile to slice the salami and put it on bread. But anyway, dangling the salami to distract it really isn't a terrible idea. It actually works too, until Patti comes along.

The moment Doug is distracted by Patti, Lady gets the salami and snaps the line. Skeeter only has a few moments before Lady finishes that salami and notices the intruder. Unfortunately...

They didn't think this through entirely. Why did they just assume Skeeter could jump high enough to reach the roof of a house? If he'd just found a stick like the one Doug has, he could've reached it.

Meanwhile, Patti wants to throw the wizzer around some more. Judo was cancelled. Doug tells her he can't right now, but he'll call her when he finds Skeeter. He does this while blocking the gate to the fence so Skeeter can't get out and ruin Doug's cover. Skeeter is trapped with the vicious Lady.

Once Patti finally leaves, Doug opens the door to find Lady tearing up Skeeter's pants. He thinks she ate him, which would be impressive as there's no blood or remains. Doug briefly thinks a rather large dog ate his best friend in a few short moments. Then Skeeter's shirt flies at the dog.

So Skeeter is just throwing his clothes at the dog. That's less ridiculous.

Skeeter says he's almost out of clothes before they both run out to the sidewalk.

Doug continues the Race Canyon fantasy from the same spot he left off last time. Race has the wizzer, but now the dog is finished with the steak and coming after him. This really doesn't follow what's really going on. His squeaky steak and salami didn't work. He's not trapped with the wizzer, looking for a way out. He's still looking for a way in to get the wizzer.

Anyway, the fantasy continues and Race tells Skeetari to release the secret weapon. The secret weapon is just another bigger dog that will fight the vicious cave dog. Doug has realized he just needs another dog to take care of Lady long enough to get the wizzer. Who else could they go to?

Porkchop refuses. Skeeter offers to clean his igloo for a month. Porkchop refuses. Doug gets down on one knee and begs. Porkchop gets an idea. Seduction.

Porkchop struts into the yard carrying a heart-shaped box with a bone in it. Lady starts seeing hearts. That's when Porkchop busts out the booze.

If your plans ever include getting two dogs drunk, you might want to reconsider everything. Everything.

While Doug and Skeeter sneak in, Porkchop turns on a stereo to play some romantic music. At the corner of the house, Skeeter stands on Doug's shoulders and they finally get the wizzer. Unfortunately Lady hears them and immediately loses all interest in Porkchop. She has intruders to kill.

Skeeter doesn't jump down from Doug's shoulders though. He just stays up there, trying to keep his balance, while Doug runs in circles to avoid Lady. And if that's not absurd enough, Doug then gets on a pogo stick to hop away from Lady.

And yes, Skeeter remains standing on Doug's shoulders. It works though. They make it out of the yard with the wizzer. No one has been bitten.

Success!

Oh, but they left the gate open. Before they can celebrate too much, Lady starts growling at them from the open gate. Doug tells Skeeter it's time for plan x. Confused, Skeeter asks, "plan x?"

"Give her the wizzer."

All that for nothing.

They go to Patti's to return her new super screaming wacky wizzer in shame. I'm surprised they bothered to retrieve it after the dog chewed it up, but maybe Lady threw it back to them like she did with the toy steak.

They apologize and tell her the short version of what happened. She says they should've told her earlier. She could've given them another one.

Her dad gets them free from work. She has boxes of them. Look at her living room. It's full of boxes of wizzers. She gives them a box.

So...most of this didn't happen, right? I'm sure Doug and Skeeter really did ruin Patti's toy, but the extent they went to get it back has to be all made up. I assume Doug made up this elaborate story with all these impossibilities (Porkchop's seduction of Lady, Skeeter standing on Doug's shoulders while they pogo stick out) so they could tell Patti how hard they tried to get it before the dog ruined it. And then they just gave it to the dog. Who knows why he wrote it down in his journal this way.

The Race Canyon fantasy is really interesting as well. Doug's fantasies are often his was of thinking out solutions to his problems, but this time is a bit different. In his fantasy, he's the hero that goes into the cave. In his lie, he dangles the salami while Skeeter goes in the yard. In his fantasy, he has the wizzer and his secret weapon scares the dog so he can get out of the cave. In his lie, his dog tries to get Lady drunk so he can sneak into the yard. It's just completely different, and I don't know what to make of it.