Episode 17, Part 1: Doug's Dinner Date

This episode is centered around an ongoing fantasy where Doug is some kind of fairy tale knight.

Or prince?

He has to complete 3 tasks in order to win the fair Patti of Mayonnaise's heart.

We join the fantasy after Doug has already completed the first two tasks. The first task was apparently "silencing the whiners of Moo." I think that's what the king said anyway. Doug definitely silenced the whiners of somewhere. The second task was recovering the great girdle of Gilgamesh. The third task is eating a plate of liver and onions.

We begin with a conversation between Doug and Patti.

Doug narrating: "The trouble all started at school the other day. Patti finally said what I've been hoping she'd say to me since the first day we met."

Patti: "I said, 'would you like to have supper at my house Sunday night?'"

"Huh? Supper? Sunday? You mean, you and me?"

"Yeah! You, and me, and Skeeter, and Chalky, and Beebe, and Roger. You know. The whole gang!"

"Well...hey...yeah. Sure."

"Oh, by the way, Doug. We're having your favorite. Liver and onions!"

This is classic Doug. He's so wrapped up in himself that Patti has to repeat what she said. Then he immediately jumps to the wrong conclusion and won't relent on it throughout the episode. Then he's hesitant about the whole thing because it isn't just the two of them. And then he fails to tell her how he really feels, even if it's just regarding liver and onions.

So his first move is to ask Skeeter about his experience with liver and onions. Skeeter says he's been eating it his entire life. At first he hated it, but now he almost likes it. So Doug gets this idea that he'll eat a bunch of liver and onions before Sunday so he can maybe get used to it. He tells his mom to make him some tonight, and I guess he invites Skeeter to eat the food she already cooked for him.

Skeeter loves Theda's cooking. Doug is getting grossed out by his food and goes back to the fantasy.

The liver on his plate turns into the tongue of the liver dragon. Whatever that is. Fighting ensues.

With claws, and teeth, and presumably fire breath, the liver dragon chooses to duel with a fork. The liver dragon knocks Doug down with his tail and the fantasy fades out. Doug is physically ill and dizzy. He excuses himself and stumbles away.

Seriously. The liver dragon don't fuck around.

Up in Doug's room, Skeeter tries hypnosis.

He does the typical hypnosis shit you see on tv and tells Doug that when he looks at his plate, he will see honkerdogs and fries instead of liver and onions. Skeeter turns on the light and tells Doug to look at his food.

It didn't work...properly. His plate is still just liver and onions but...

Fucking hell. Doug might be a cannibal.

Since hypnosis failed, the next logical stop is Mr. Dink. He's got a brilliant idea. It's not so much an idea as it is a product that was of course "very expensive."

Taste B Gone Tongue Protector. Apparently you just put a few drops on your tongue and you won't be able to taste a thing. This should be perfect, if it works. Mr. Dink demonstrates by squirting some on his tongue and eating anchovies. Cool. Problem solved.

Oh wait. No. This is Doug. He takes the Taste B Gone Tongue Protector, puts it in his bathroom and says it's time for some sisterly advice. Why? Seems like you've got your solution right there? What does he think Judy is going to tell him that is better than being unable to taste the food? Who knows, but he's asking anyway, and completely disregarding a perfectly good solution because he's a crazy jackass.

Judy's advice is classic. "To understand liver and onions, you must become liver and onions." Then she makes Doug lie on the floor with her while she pretends the floor is the frying pan, she is onions, and he is liver.

She's just faking a seizure for attention. Doug quickly recognizes this as bullshit and leaves. Sadly neither one recognizes the other's need for real psychological help. After this, there is a quick shot of the fantasy still playing out, but the dragon is gone and is back to just being a plate of liver and onions.

And so then on Saturday night, the Funnie family went to their favorite restaurant. It is Cowboy Jacques House of Boeuf. The waiter is French. It's a crazy cowboy steakhouse-themed French restaurant. Of course it is the Funnie family's favorite place to go. Doug orders liver and onions. Everyone in the place is shocked. Absolutely shocked.

This is ridiculous, Doug. You don't expect us to believe everyone, including the waiter, was shocked, do you? Your parents might be shocked. Or just pissed. They have good reason to suspect you're not going to eat that shit and they have to pay for it. Whatever.

Doug cuts a piece and starts to put it in his mouth. He hesitates for a second and insanity takes over.


That's right. Patti of Mayonnaise from Doug's medieval fairy tale fantasy just reached into the real world where Doug is at a French restaurant that requires you to wear cowboy hats to remove his hat and offer him some words of encouragement. Try to make sense of that.

Oh, and what does fantasy Patti say that convinces him to go through with it? "Oh, by the way Doug, we're having your favorite! Liver and onions. See ya!" What the shit is that?

After the first bite, Doug drifts off into the fantasy where the king congratulates him and brings Patti out. The king actually says, "congratulations, young person. The princess is yours." Women are property.

Still chewing. First impressions are tough.

The fantasy ends to reveal Doug has eaten the whole meal, and the entire restaurant is clapping and cheering and throwing their hats in celebration of some stupid 11 year old's mundane accomplishment.

So Doug is finally ready for the dinner party. He shows up with Skeeter and everyone is already waiting for them.

Doug gets creepy for a minute as he goes on and on about how he can't wait to eat Patti's liver and onions. He's going to eat so much liver and onions it's going to be ridiculous. Then Patti reveals she was just joking about that because she knows how much Doug hates liver and onions.

HA! HA! HA!

All that turmoil for fucking nothing. This isn't as bad as when he ran away from home because he thought he burned down the school science lab based on rumor and a failure of logic (obviously), but it's fucking amazing that it was caused by Patti. She just put him through the same shit Roger puts him through. Fucking perfect.

So what are they having for supper? Honkerdogs and fries!

Fuck. You better get to a hospital, Doug.

RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW!

Anyway, later at home, as Doug is writing in his journal, Porkchop experiments with hypnosis.

Who says you can't hypnotize yourself? You just need a mirror.

See?

There's something I need to address. Doug's ongoing 3 tasks fantasy does not apply in any way to his dilemma. In reality, he only had to deal with one task. And succeeding never meant shit regarding his relationship with Patti. And it wasn't even a real task.

Pretending Patti wasn't joking, there are only two outcomes of this dinner date for Doug. He can't stomach the liver and onions and Patti is maybe slightly hurt that Doug didn't warn her about his hatred of the shit, or he eats it, pretends he loves it, and Patti sends him home with the leftovers and nothing else ever comes of it. He never would've impressed her into a relationship by eating liver and fucking onions. No such thing has ever happened in the history of the world.