Monday, April 12, 2010

Episode 12, Part 1; Doug is Quailman

This is Planet Bob. Home to Earth's most powerful hero.

That's right, we're starting with a Quailman fantasy.

Yes, another Quailman episode. I don't think I need to recap Doug's exaggerations regarding the powers a quail possesses. But there is something quite special about this episode. This episode is nothing but a comic that Doug wrote about Quailman. I considered skipping it, but there's some good points to be made.

Here's one of the few shots of reality Doug gives us in this episode. Look at him there...imagining he's important, and powerful, and not a psychotic loser whose best friend is a slightly anthropomorphic dog.
The comic begins in Quailman's Thicket of Solitude.

Oh, he's like Superman, but he's from a lame planet named Bob and he has the powers of a bird known to be easily killed. Yeah. Anyway, on Quailman's television, the news interrupts whatever bullshit he was watching to bring some breaking news...

Apparently, Dr. Klotzenstein, aka...



...has disguised himself as grade school bully, Roger Klotz.

Not a very good disguise, is it? They found him out immediately and it's on the news. Maybe next time dye your hair and don't put Klotz in your fake name. In spite of this being on the news, no one at school realizes it and Roger begins his terrible plot with a terrible joke.
He told Patti he wanted her to meet his aunt. She said, "your aunt's here today?" Then he threw a frog at her, laughed, and said, "yeah, my Aunt Phibian!" Then he told her to relax because it's a science joke. Dumb bitch needs to learn to appreciate.
Then the science teacher comes in and announces that they're going to have a pop quiz. Everyone is upset about this except Roger because he has a brain drain headband thing, and he just steals the answers from the heads of other students.

The teacher manages not to notice. He's very excited that Roger is finally getting correct answers, but he somehow just doesn't see the bright pink rays come out of the head-wear that is almost certainly banned under the school's dress code. Excited that Roger got three questions right, the teacher runs out of the room to get assistant principal Bone. That's when Roger leaps at the opportunity to take over the class entirely.

What a genius plan. Steal the minds of a bunch of 11 and 12 year-olds. They know everything. Patti, weary from having so much of her knowledge stolen by magic, stumbles to the window and gives the Quail Call!

Oh great, Quail Lab? Now he's part Batman; the retarded part that needs to label everything in his secret hideout. Quailman hears the call and flies to the school with Quaildog, who I must say is even more ridiculous than Quailman. He lacks the powers of the quail, and has only the powers of a dog. But calling him Dogdog would just be stupid...
The presence of Quailman outside the window causes Roger to reveal himself as Dr. Klotzenstein. This is unclear. Quailman doesn't do anything to break through the disguise. Roger sees him, says, "QUAILMAN?" and then uncomfortably transforms like this...

And then Quailman flies in through the window to start the fight...

That's right. He just flew through a window without getting cut. The powers of the quail! What's that? Why didn't he go through the open window right next to the one he shattered? Because he's fucking Quailman, that's why! NOT ALL BIRDS DIE WHEN THEY FLY INTO WINDOWS!
Quailman fights off Dr. Klotzenstein's brain drain with his Quail-eye.

It's worth noting that quails cannot actually shoot lasers out of their eyes.
Out of nowhere (he really hasn't been seen this episode), Roger's cat Stinky helps the attack and is quickly dealt with by Quaildog.

For some reason I can't explain, there's this shot of the entire class mesmerized by what's going on.

Along with Roger, this was literally all the students in the class. Bluffington's teacher:student ratio is amazing. Anyway, Stinky's attack weakens Quailman enough for him to be hit by the brain drain, so he has to hide under the teacher's desk.

Dr. Klotzenstein taunts him and tells him to surrender. Quailman complies. He stands up and admits defeat. But just when Dr. Klotzenstein turns on the brain drain, he whips out Aunt Phibian.

Take that, shithead!
His plan works!

"I used my superior, quail-like ways to defeat your evil scheme."
Really? It seems your superior, quail-like ways failed, and you merely used ordinary trickery. I mean, realistically, anyone could have done that.
Quailman does the Quail Call to magically restore everyone's brains.

The teacher and Mr. Bone barge in, see the mess, see Dr. Klotzenstein eating more flies, and demand an explanation. Quailman grabs the evil villain and his evil cat and fly away. The next day there is a celebration!

Look at that turnout. Even Roger showed up...
And what is Quailman's prize?

Well isn't that useless. He doesn't go to school as Quailman. He goes as Doug, if he goes at all. That's unclear. Why wasn't he at school when shit went down? And anyway, Quailman shouldn't be a superhero that does good for the rewards.

And that's it. Doug takes Porkchop to get some ice cream.
So what do we have here? First, clearly we have the inspiration for Jim Carrey's The Riddler. Green guy with bad disguises and terrible names steals people's minds to become smart and powerful but foiled by a stupid trick involving an animal, and he is left uncontrollably mindless.
Second, we have Doug's fantasy about what he wishes he could do to Roger...right now. If Roger keeps up the bullying, Doug's fantasies are probably going to become more violent and may end up becoming a reality at some point.
Third, I want to see Baron von Klotz in action.
Finally, Doug's ideas of villainy are fucking amazing. The evil scientist who has a machine that allows him to steal knowledge directly from a person's brain would begin with 11 year olds. Clearly they have more knowledge than him, and who knows...maybe now that he knows everything 11 year olds know, he might be able to make a machine that can come up with better plans for taking over the world and defeating a man who claims the powers of a quail. A shotgun would be a great place to start.


  1. You write these articles with Patience, Intelligence, and Speed.

    I love em.

  2. It did seem kinda odd Doug didn't think to writing his 'hero' as a mild-mannered student at the school so he could find some dumb excuse to go out without a hall pass to change into Quailman for this adventure, whatever.

    Someone elsewhere once mentioned that the answer over how many bones there are in the human body is 206, not 200 (certainly rounded that off).


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