Episode 29, Part 2: Doug's Pet Capades

This episode might be Doug's most insane journal entry. It begins by showing us Porkchop in his igloo-shaped doghouse, having dinner.

Yeah, this is the inside of Porkchop's doghouse, according to Doug. He's got a full kitchen. As you can see, Porkchop has just removed a bone sandwich from the refrigerator. He sits down in his recliner and turns on his tv and sees a commercial for Pet Capades.

Porkchop is very intrigued by this. The guy in the commercial is actually addressing pets and tells them to "scamper, fly, or hop down to the Four Leaf Clover Mall and sign up for the Bluffington Pet Capades where you may be named the best pet in town!"

This causes Porkchop to have a fantasy...

So now Doug is writing about fantasies his dog is having. He might be beyond help.

The next morning, Porkchop wakes Doug up and shows him a flier for Pet Capades.

Where did he get the flier? Who cares? None of this is happening. Doug is having a severe mental breakdown. Doug ignores the flier and gets breakfast.

Doug ignores the rollerskating dog beating a drum and enjoys his breakfast in peace. Outside, a loud lawnmower makes him get up to shut the window.

Doug ignores this also. Porkchop finally gives up and plops down in the yard just in time for Skeeter to walk up and ask him what's wrong. Oh, and where's Doug?

Inside, Skeeter asks Doug what's up with Porkchop, but he doesn't know. They sit down to watch tv when the Pet Capades commercial comes on and Porkchop freaks out and starts dancing around to indicate his desires.

Doug and Skeeter laugh and laugh and laugh and hurt Porkchop's feelings and laugh and laugh and laugh. They at least have the right attitude about pet shows. They decide to go to the mall to laugh at the people signing up.

When they get there, Porkchop sees the line to sign up for Pet Capades and starts begging. Skeeter sees free samples of "food or something" and well...

Leave it to Skeeter to eat several free samples of "something" while completely ignoring the gigantic sign behind them identifying them as Doggie Delites. It's free. Eat as many as you can as fast as you can. Ask questions later.

Roger walks up and calls Doug and Porkchop the "chumpetition." This means he's entering Stinky in a pet show, because that'll get you some friends, right? Well, not wanting to be outdone by Roger, Doug asks Porkchop to be in the show as if he hadn't been begging for it all morning. Porkchop puts his paw print down on the sign up sheet.

Someone's horse appears to have entered the competition. I can't wait to see Pet Capades now.

At home, they're trying to decide what Porkchop will do for the talent portion. He pulls out a deck of cards and does a magic trick with Skeeter. Doug rejects it, saying it's been done before. Porkchop tries another trick...

Doug again rejects this. He says it has to be something really amazing. They have to beat Roger and Stinky, after all. Because a dog performing a magic trick or juggling while riding a unicycle is fucking Yawnsville. Anyway, Porkchop has another fantasy because Doug mentions Roger and Stinky and how bad they need to be beaten.

Incredible that Doug knows his dog is imagining that Roger is playing guitar so his cat can do complicated dance steps.

Porkchop has one more suggestion.

I have to agree with Doug on this one. Ventriloquism, even performed by a dog, is still ventriloquism. We'd all be better off forgetting it is a thing.

Anyway, Doug rejects that and says it has to be something dramatic, which is Judy's cue to reveal she's been eavesdropping.

She suggests they do a huge musical number with backup dancers and whatnot. Doug loves it and gets to work. He's the director. See?

Doug's taking this way too seriously. Who are his backup dancers?

Of course...no, wait. I expected Skeeter, but that other guy? Has Doug ever mentioned his name?

Doug makes them stay up all night working on his big musical number. He says they have to keep working if they're going to beat Roger and it causes Porkchop to have yet another fantasy.

I guess we just have to accept that Doug gets the most pretentious about directing a dog for a pet show.

Finally we're going to see some Pet Capades. The first act we see is Mr. Bone and his goldfish.

Mr. Bone yodels and the goldfish hops out of the bowl and honks the four horns on the table. The crowd applauds. Doug calls it lame. Up next is Roger.

Roger rips out a crazy guitar solo while Stinky just sits there looking badass. At the end of the solo, Stinky burps and the crowd boos. Was anyone but Doug really expecting anything more than this? It's Roger and Stinky; an underachiever and a cat. I'd say we're lucky the cat didn't piss on the guitar before vomiting and wandering off to kill a rodent.

And now that it's Porkchop's turn, he doesn't want to do it anymore.

Doug has removed all the fun. He doesn't want to do Doug's stupid musical number. The pink guy says maybe they should ask Porkchop if he has any ideas for the talent portion. Of course he does. He pulls out some sheet music.

Porkchop also had the costumes to go with it. Skeeter and the pink guy do a rap naming different kinds of dogs while Porkchop dances. It's a rap that Porkchop was listening to in his headphones in a much earlier episode. Season 1 or 2. The crowd loves it. Doug is proud. He finishes up his journal entry with this narration: "I found out that if you're gonna do something for somebody, you should do it for them, not yourself. One thing though, I bet Porkchop's glad I made him do this."

WHAT!?

Doug is projecting way too much on his pet. At best, Porkchop's enthusiasm for Pet Capades is a projection of Doug's true desire to be a part of something he knows his friends will think is lame. At worst, his parents have realized he's completely insane and have locked him in his room (for his own safety) where he makes up fancy stories about pet shows involving yodeling and horn-honking goldfish and horses and rock guitar and burping cats and hip-hop-loving dogs. Also, his best friend eats dog treats, so at least he can't make fun of him for wanting to be in a pet show!

Episode 29, Part 1: Doug's Comic Collaboration

This episode begins with the weatherman telling everyone it's going to be sunny all day. Moments later...

It's pouring rain. Stupid weather man.

Now, forced to stay inside, Doug and Skeeter have to find a new way to entertain themselves. Skeeter says something about reading the same old comic books again and Doug gets the idea for them to write their own together. This should be great.

For some reason, they decide on the villain first. They have to have a great villain. Well, since the weather man ruined their day by promising sunshine, he's the source of evil for this story. The comic-villain version of the weatherman flies around in the Blimp of Doom.

You can tell it is a blimp of doom because the evil weatherman has it scrolling across the electronic screen on the side of the blimp. And so what is the "failed comedian and arch-villain Wacky Weatherman's" plan? He plots to turn the weather into a cruel comedy routine. 150 degrees and 6 feet of snow!

I don't expect Doug and Skeeter to know everything about weather and climate, but their villain isn't going to be able to pull this off no matter what kind of machines his blimp of doom has. He's not going to make magic snow. Then again...

Anyway, who's going to stop the Wacky Weatherman!? Who is the hero of this comic!

One of these two! Doug and Skeeter start their argument.

They both think the other hero is stupid. Silver Skeeter is too powerful and Quailman is boring. Both of them are correct, but at least Quailman isn't a totally unimaginative ripoff of something else. Changing a surfboard into a skateboard, "Surfer" into "Skeeter" and making up another home planet with a stupid name ("*knock* Pfft Ahhhuuuuuaaaahhhh") doesn't mean you've created a comic book character, Skeeter. After a bit of arguing, they finally decide to make the comic about both of them.

Silver Skeeter looks kind of like Gumby. The comic begins with Quailman pitching to Silver Skeeter at a baseball field. Silver Skeeter just hit a home run when Quailman noticed that it was starting to snow.

Well fuck. It must be Wacky Weatherman! What are they going to do about all this snow? If Wacky Weatherman comes through with the other half of his plan to raise the temperature to 150 degrees (though he clearly didn't completely fulfill the first half as that isn't 6 feet of snow...only a measly 3 feet, at best), they'll simply have to wait a few minutes for the snow to melt. That's too long for them though. They've got baseball to play.

Skeeter suggests that Silver Skeeter simply use his massive metallic lungs to blow away all the snow. Doug thinks this is too easy so he adds that all of Silver Skeeter's blowing has caused a hurricane. Doug writes in that Wacky Weatherman loves what has happened. Even he never thought to have a hurricane on a sunny day! Way to turn your best friend into a villain, Doug.
Skeeter has a solution for this too!

He has stretched his metal body into a giant shield to block the wind! Brilliant! Except Doug has a problem with that too. A big metal sheet is reflective, and now everyone in town is being burned by the Silver Skeeter.

Mr. Dink is enjoying it.

Again, we have a problem. Skeeter's ideas are all terrible, and Doug easily turns him into a villain. Skeeter wants to know what Quailman would do!

Since he's intelligent, he'd go to the library, of course. How can you expect to fight weather if you don't know shit about it? Better read some books. I'm sure the town has time for that. It doesn't seem like Wacky Weatherman is going to continue with his crazy, evil plans right now anyway.

Skeeter doesn't like writing a comic book where the main characters spend time at a library. Who would? Only Doug. They're finished for the day. Their ideas are absolute opposites. Skeeter wants to easily beat the bad guy and finish the story on page 2, and Doug wants to drag the story out by showing the good guys read in the library. I imagine if Doug had continued in this fashion, we'd have seen the two of them eat a good, healthy dinner, 5 pages of dialogue about recycling, stretching exercises, 2 pages about avoiding injuries, and then a whole separate comic book where Quailman and Silver Skeeter sit down and watch an episode of Captain Planet for good reference in the ways of fighting environmental evil.

At school the next day, they're still fighting. Patti notices and asks Doug about it. He mentions that they were writing a comic book yesterday and she totally doesn't give a shit about them fighting anymore. A COMIC BOOK!? She grabs it and starts reading and loves it. She shares it with the rest of the class and everyone is obsessed. It makes you wonder why Doug never showed his previous Quailman comics to anyone.

Guess who doesn't like it? Roger. He happily points out that Quailman is just Doug with a belt on his head and mocks the entire idea. Skeeter quickly defends Doug and Quailman. Then Roger mocks Silver Skeeter and Doug defends him. They have no will to stand up for themselves, but they easily stand up for characters they hated minutes ago.

Anyway, Patti wants to know how it ends. Their encounter with Roger gives Doug an idea. You know how Roger makes a joke and then laughs at it by himself? Well, Doug pointed out that if he was really funny he wouldn't have to laugh at his own jokes. So Doug's idea for the comic is that Quailman and Silver Skeeter confront Wacky Weatherman and tell him he's not funny. Then they just don't laugh or crack a smile at any of his jokes.

Wacky Weatherman goes into a fit trying to make them laugh. He pulls a lever that throws a pie in his face. They don't laugh. He activates a hail storm inside the blimp that blows him around. They don't laugh. He turns on the lightning and fries himself.

They don't laugh. He doesn't die either, but his lightning does blow a hole in the blimp of doom and he crashes into the ground, presumably killing at least a few citizens. They laugh. And that's the end of the first, and hopefully only, Quailman and Silver Skeeter comic.

So, maybe Doug and Skeeter aren't the most compatible people ever, but at least they can unite over a shared hatred of weathermen and poor kids with vitamin deficiencies.

I can't get over how quickly Doug turned Silver Skeeter into an accidental villain twice. Skeeter never did that to Quailman. He only pointed out that he was boring, which he is if he's shown going to the library and reading. You skip that part, Doug. Just say that they went to the library and figured out a plan. No one wants to see them reading all the books that weren't any help.

I'm also amused at how totally pointless the whole plan was. Both Skeeter and Doug originally just wanted to fight the weather, like a drug that only deals with symptoms of a disease. Skeeter gets rid of the snow. Not the guy causing it. Doug goes to the library to learn about weather so he can counteract whatever is thrown at the town. Idiots. There's a guy you know is controlling this shit from a clown-blimp labeled "BLIMP OF DOOM" and your first reaction isn't to fly up to the blimp and kick his ass? How hard could that be? Their big plan resulted in the blimp crashing anyway. They could've skipped the whole "you're not funny" bit and simply disabled his blimp with a big hole. Their problem-solving skills are questionable.

Episode 28, Part 2: Doug Rocks the House

This episode begins with Doug on a typical day. He's walking down the street of abandoned houses when he approaches Skeeter, Roger and the goons. They are throwing rocks at one of the houses. Roger tries to bust out a window and fails. Doug taunts him and then, predictably, Roger challenges him to break some glass. Doug is hesitant. He doesn't want to look like a fool the way Roger just did. He stalls and tries to weasel out of it by saying he'd be okay with it if they had permission or something. Conveniently a construction worker walks by at that moment and basically says, "who cares?" All of the houses on this road are being demolished anyway. It doesn't matter. Well...alright then...

Before Doug starts to throw, Roger spots Patti walking towards them and tells Doug to hurry up if he wants to impress her. So he throws it and it sets off a small rube goldberg that ends with the entire house falling down.

The upstairs toilet was the sturdiest thing about the house, but it too fell in the end.

"Nice throw, huh, Patti?"
"Doug Funnie, you're...terrible."

What's her problem?

At school, Doug is trying to figure out why she got mad at him while Skeeter is busy working up a crowd, telling them of Doug's amazing feat.

Doug re-imagines the entire scenario.

That's right, Doug. That's what you look like. Now it's time to bowl those houses over!

Well, of course she'd get mad at that. Those are perfectly good houses! He just knocked over 10 perfectly good houses. In his fantasies, he's a very good bowler.

After the fantasy, there are people lined up to talk to him about it and get his autograph.

This weird, pink jackass is the first and asks to have his made out to Rusty. Of course, Doug is autographing rocks. I can think of few objects less practical than rocks for autographs.

After Rusty fucks off back to the background, Doug spots Patti and decides to talk to her. He walks up and she immediately apologizes for getting mad. Awesome. Conflict over.

While Doug is explaining that he didn't understand why she got mad about him knocking down "some cruddy old house" this other jackass from the background comes up and wants his autograph made out to David. Fuck off, David. Anyway, Patti gets pissed at the phrase "some cruddy old house" and she storms off. Beebe offers to figure out what her problem is for Doug. How unusually nice of her. Oh, then she makes him sign a rock.

At lunch, everyone has autographed rocks. The kids in Bluffington are fucking morons. Patti is in line getting her food and when she goes to pay the lunch lady says, "it's been taken care of." She points at Doug who waves meekly. Patti storms off. Beebe walks up and Doug asks her about the whole thing, but now she's pissed at him too. So, she talked to Patti and knows what's up and refuses to talk to Doug because it's better to just be pissed at him than to explain the situation. Skeeter is still no help. He just happily points out that knocking down that house made him the most popular kid in school. Another background character asks for an autograph.

Finally, Doug confronts Patti at her locker. They get in an argument, in which Doug autographs yet another rock, and Patti again storms off in anger, slamming her locker door and scattering some of her papers all over the floor. Skeeter walks up and asks what happened while Doug starts picking up the papers. He notices something.

"Hey, why does this look familiar?"
"Oh, that's the house you wrecked."
"WHAT!?"
"Yeah, Patti and her dad moved out of that house 2 years ago...after her mom died. Didn't you know that? Say! Do you think maybe that's the reason she's upset? Because you destroyed her house."

Fuck Skeeter. Seriously. Fucking dumbass.

At home, Doug is trying to rationalize the whole thing to himself. It was an abandoned house. It's not like he knocked down the house she's living in now. That would be good cause to be upset. He's talking to himself way too much. Then he notices the height chart from their old house. His parents had been keeping track of his and Judy's height on the wall and brought it with them to Bluffington. This causes a weird series of memories to fade into a fantasy. First his parents measure his height at different ages, and then we get a memory of him arguing with them about moving. He doesn't want to go.

After he tells his mom that he won't love Bluffington, he walks over to a window to hear Roger and the goons cheering someone on. It's Patti, and she has a rather large rock.

It's a pretty weird way to remember your last day in your old house.

After the memory-fantasy, Doug comes up with a brilliant idea.

I have no use for this screen shot. I just wanted to point out the nice plaque saying "height chart" because it amuses me. I imagine the Funnies going to the greatest maker of plaques this country has ever seen and asking him to make a small plaque that just says "height chart" so they can put it under their height chart just in case they forget what it is, or to avoid explaining to guests that it is indeed a chart for measuring how tall their children were at certain ages. Also, that picture on the wall in the next room is pretty sweet. Is that a picture of Doug taking a picture?

Anyway, Doug runs back to the destroyed house to look for something to give to Patti that she can keep so she'll always remember the house. He finds something and heads over to her apartment and has a brief talk with her dad.

Unfortunately, Patti isn't feeling well today, so her dad won't let him in to talk to her. He walks away, depressed. He thinks she'll hate him forever, because if Doug isn't always jumping to the most awesome conclusion he can imagine, he's jumping to the worst. Patti sees him from her window and catches up to him.

While Doug is trying to apologize, she interrupts him and apologizes for getting mad. Then she notices the thing in his hand and says, "what's that?"

"Oh...well, it's for you. It's just something I thought would help you remember..."
"The Pattersons?"

It's the Pattersons' door knocker. They lived next door to Patti. How did Doug not notice that this thing said "Patterson" on it? Did he pick it up, see "PATT" and think, "NO TIME TO READ THE REST! PATTI WILL LOVE IT THAT I DUG UP HER OLD, CUSTOM DOOR KNOCKER!" and then just head straight to her house without ever glancing at it again? He's really not much brighter than Skeeter, is he?

Anyway, Patti is pleased.

So it produced the same result Doug wanted anyway; a hug that he clearly read too much into. She's just happy her friend thought of her. If this was from her perspective, there would be no hearts. She knows that Doug will be that guy friend that will always listen to her complain about her boyfriends.

And that's it. I want to know what's going on in Bluffington where an entire street of houses, occupied as early as two years ago, is abandoned and left to dilapidate until it needs to be torn down. I'm going to say the root of Bluffington's problem is education. Every kid in school now has a rock autographed by another kid from school. What are they getting out of that? You can't even sell them as pet rocks now. They have Doug's signature on them. They've learned absolutely nothing about value. So if we assume that the parents of these autographed-rock-collecting shitheads also went to Bluffington schools, then we can assume that they fail miserably at slightly more complicated things like basic home maintenance.

Are the autographed rocks better or worse than Judy's brick collection from the last episode? Judy can at least make something out of her collection one day, even if it's just her own mausoleum.

Episode 28, Part 1: Doug is Slave for a Day

This episode begins with a fantasy-parody of Ben-Hur. Doug is a slave, there's a guy pounding on a drum, and Judy is the slave master. When Doug finally grows a beard, it will be blue, apparently.

And so the reason that Doug is Judy's slave is quite simple. He was playing football in the living room.

With Porkchop. Porkchop throws the ball to Doug, who tips it with his hands. This causes the ball to fly into the air and hit a shelf. This ugly little headless statue thing wobbles a bit before falling.

Doug again fails to use his hands competently and the thing smashes to pieces on the floor. Judy saw the whole thing, presumably because she regularly spies on him to catch the times where he really goes crazy and pretends to play football with the dog.

This is what it looks like when Doug begs Judy to keep the whole thing a secret. He says he'll do anything if she won't tell on him. And that's how Doug became Judy's slave.

They even signed a contract, which I'm sure is illegal. It won't hold up in court though. You try proving that this is a contract about slavery. Or anything.

The contract is for one week of slavery, so the title "Doug is Slave for a Day" is wrong. It's a week.

It's a typical week of slave work between siblings on an early 90's tv show. Doug does her chores. Cleans her room. Alters her Derek Derekson shirts because he recently grew a beard and her shirts have him clean-shaven.

Imagine how ridiculous Judy would look if she went around wearing this shirt! Everyone knows he has a beard now. It's good that she had Doug draw beards onto her shirts. Totally normal behavior from both of them here.

Doug goes back into the Ben-Hur fantasy. This time he imagines escaping.

In the fantasy, he successfully defeats Judy's goons and takes her whip. He has won, but it's just a fantasy.

In reality, he's still just waiting for her to shut up so he can get started on those beards.

On his last day of servitude, Skeeter visits and finds his best friend doing this.

He's rolling back and forth on the floor in Judy's clothes. You'd think this was some sort of revenge on his part, but she asked him to do this. He tells Skeeter he's "bohemianizing" her new clothes so they look worn. I think he's probably wearing the hat for fun because I doubt it is getting the same treatment as the dress. Also, this is stupid.

While Doug explains the whole situation to Skeeter, Judy interrupts with a request for both of them. While Skeeter is there, he might as well help Doug move her brick collection up to the attic.

What is wrong with the Funnie kids?

After that absurd request, she drops a piece of paper on Doug that informs him that he has violated the contract and will have to serve another week. Doug has his lawyer look over the paperwork.

Apparently there was a clause that said he couldn't whistle within hearing range of Judy for the week. This is probably something he would've noticed if he could read gibberish. He has one final fantasy, and it wraps up the Ben-Hur fantasies while also incorporating Doug's obsession with being on tv. It's a show called Family Court.

I love that Skeeter is also a slave in this. He signed no contract and Judy has no control over him at all. Porkchop is, of course, the lawyer. A dog would be the best lawyer a slave could afford.

Remember this part in Ben-Hur? Mr. Dink plays the judge. He looks at the contract for a brief second or two and rules in favor of the defendant. That's how things work in Bluffington. It seems Doug thinks you can get away with anything illegal as long as you have a contract.

After this fantasy, Doug overhears a conversation between Judy and their mom. Mom wants Judy to move her old costumes out of the basement (because they have more important old shit to put down there????) or she won't get to go to some party tonight. Judy offers to clean the basement entirely. Knowing that he's the one that will have to do it, Doug decides to read over the contract to find a way out. He succeeds. Doug finds a clause that says that if their parents find out what happened, the contract is null and void. So he just tells them what happens.

When Judy comes to tell him of all the basement work he has to do, he simply tells her no. He tells her that he has voided the contract by telling mom. Turns out mom didn't care about that stupid headless thing or really even know what it was. Doug was still grounded for a week, but apparently because he just didn't tell her what happened for over a week. That's parenting!

This is what it looks like when Judy begs Doug to do her chores so she can go to a party. Please note that Phil and Theda Funnie have raised the kind of teenager that wears capes seriously.

Doug agrees to do the work on one condition.

Judy has to be his slave for the week he's grounded.

What awful parenting. Surely Doug mentioned the whole contract/slave thing when he told his mom what happened. Did Judy get punished for blackmailing her brother and breaking international law? Clearly not, or Doug would not have done the same thing at the end. All Doug learned is that avoiding one punishment by accepting another is pointless. This should be immediately obvious to anyone. Slavery and blackmail are still okay though. What amazing, well-adjusted kids those Funnies are raising.

Also, why can't Doug catch things? Footballs or statues...if they were made glue, they would still just bounce off Doug's hands and cause problems.