Episode 28, Part 1: Doug is Slave for a Day

This episode begins with a fantasy-parody of Ben-Hur. Doug is a slave, there's a guy pounding on a drum, and Judy is the slave master. When Doug finally grows a beard, it will be blue, apparently.

And so the reason that Doug is Judy's slave is quite simple. He was playing football in the living room.

With Porkchop. Porkchop throws the ball to Doug, who tips it with his hands. This causes the ball to fly into the air and hit a shelf. This ugly little headless statue thing wobbles a bit before falling.

Doug again fails to use his hands competently and the thing smashes to pieces on the floor. Judy saw the whole thing, presumably because she regularly spies on him to catch the times where he really goes crazy and pretends to play football with the dog.

This is what it looks like when Doug begs Judy to keep the whole thing a secret. He says he'll do anything if she won't tell on him. And that's how Doug became Judy's slave.

They even signed a contract, which I'm sure is illegal. It won't hold up in court though. You try proving that this is a contract about slavery. Or anything.

The contract is for one week of slavery, so the title "Doug is Slave for a Day" is wrong. It's a week.

It's a typical week of slave work between siblings on an early 90's tv show. Doug does her chores. Cleans her room. Alters her Derek Derekson shirts because he recently grew a beard and her shirts have him clean-shaven.

Imagine how ridiculous Judy would look if she went around wearing this shirt! Everyone knows he has a beard now. It's good that she had Doug draw beards onto her shirts. Totally normal behavior from both of them here.

Doug goes back into the Ben-Hur fantasy. This time he imagines escaping.

In the fantasy, he successfully defeats Judy's goons and takes her whip. He has won, but it's just a fantasy.

In reality, he's still just waiting for her to shut up so he can get started on those beards.

On his last day of servitude, Skeeter visits and finds his best friend doing this.

He's rolling back and forth on the floor in Judy's clothes. You'd think this was some sort of revenge on his part, but she asked him to do this. He tells Skeeter he's "bohemianizing" her new clothes so they look worn. I think he's probably wearing the hat for fun because I doubt it is getting the same treatment as the dress. Also, this is stupid.

While Doug explains the whole situation to Skeeter, Judy interrupts with a request for both of them. While Skeeter is there, he might as well help Doug move her brick collection up to the attic.

What is wrong with the Funnie kids?

After that absurd request, she drops a piece of paper on Doug that informs him that he has violated the contract and will have to serve another week. Doug has his lawyer look over the paperwork.

Apparently there was a clause that said he couldn't whistle within hearing range of Judy for the week. This is probably something he would've noticed if he could read gibberish. He has one final fantasy, and it wraps up the Ben-Hur fantasies while also incorporating Doug's obsession with being on tv. It's a show called Family Court.

I love that Skeeter is also a slave in this. He signed no contract and Judy has no control over him at all. Porkchop is, of course, the lawyer. A dog would be the best lawyer a slave could afford.

Remember this part in Ben-Hur? Mr. Dink plays the judge. He looks at the contract for a brief second or two and rules in favor of the defendant. That's how things work in Bluffington. It seems Doug thinks you can get away with anything illegal as long as you have a contract.

After this fantasy, Doug overhears a conversation between Judy and their mom. Mom wants Judy to move her old costumes out of the basement (because they have more important old shit to put down there????) or she won't get to go to some party tonight. Judy offers to clean the basement entirely. Knowing that he's the one that will have to do it, Doug decides to read over the contract to find a way out. He succeeds. Doug finds a clause that says that if their parents find out what happened, the contract is null and void. So he just tells them what happens.

When Judy comes to tell him of all the basement work he has to do, he simply tells her no. He tells her that he has voided the contract by telling mom. Turns out mom didn't care about that stupid headless thing or really even know what it was. Doug was still grounded for a week, but apparently because he just didn't tell her what happened for over a week. That's parenting!

This is what it looks like when Judy begs Doug to do her chores so she can go to a party. Please note that Phil and Theda Funnie have raised the kind of teenager that wears capes seriously.

Doug agrees to do the work on one condition.

Judy has to be his slave for the week he's grounded.

What awful parenting. Surely Doug mentioned the whole contract/slave thing when he told his mom what happened. Did Judy get punished for blackmailing her brother and breaking international law? Clearly not, or Doug would not have done the same thing at the end. All Doug learned is that avoiding one punishment by accepting another is pointless. This should be immediately obvious to anyone. Slavery and blackmail are still okay though. What amazing, well-adjusted kids those Funnies are raising.

Also, why can't Doug catch things? Footballs or statues...if they were made glue, they would still just bounce off Doug's hands and cause problems.