Episode 29, Part 2: Doug's Pet Capades

This episode might be Doug's most insane journal entry. It begins by showing us Porkchop in his igloo-shaped doghouse, having dinner.

Yeah, this is the inside of Porkchop's doghouse, according to Doug. He's got a full kitchen. As you can see, Porkchop has just removed a bone sandwich from the refrigerator. He sits down in his recliner and turns on his tv and sees a commercial for Pet Capades.

Porkchop is very intrigued by this. The guy in the commercial is actually addressing pets and tells them to "scamper, fly, or hop down to the Four Leaf Clover Mall and sign up for the Bluffington Pet Capades where you may be named the best pet in town!"

This causes Porkchop to have a fantasy...

So now Doug is writing about fantasies his dog is having. He might be beyond help.

The next morning, Porkchop wakes Doug up and shows him a flier for Pet Capades.

Where did he get the flier? Who cares? None of this is happening. Doug is having a severe mental breakdown. Doug ignores the flier and gets breakfast.

Doug ignores the rollerskating dog beating a drum and enjoys his breakfast in peace. Outside, a loud lawnmower makes him get up to shut the window.

Doug ignores this also. Porkchop finally gives up and plops down in the yard just in time for Skeeter to walk up and ask him what's wrong. Oh, and where's Doug?

Inside, Skeeter asks Doug what's up with Porkchop, but he doesn't know. They sit down to watch tv when the Pet Capades commercial comes on and Porkchop freaks out and starts dancing around to indicate his desires.

Doug and Skeeter laugh and laugh and laugh and hurt Porkchop's feelings and laugh and laugh and laugh. They at least have the right attitude about pet shows. They decide to go to the mall to laugh at the people signing up.

When they get there, Porkchop sees the line to sign up for Pet Capades and starts begging. Skeeter sees free samples of "food or something" and well...

Leave it to Skeeter to eat several free samples of "something" while completely ignoring the gigantic sign behind them identifying them as Doggie Delites. It's free. Eat as many as you can as fast as you can. Ask questions later.

Roger walks up and calls Doug and Porkchop the "chumpetition." This means he's entering Stinky in a pet show, because that'll get you some friends, right? Well, not wanting to be outdone by Roger, Doug asks Porkchop to be in the show as if he hadn't been begging for it all morning. Porkchop puts his paw print down on the sign up sheet.

Someone's horse appears to have entered the competition. I can't wait to see Pet Capades now.

At home, they're trying to decide what Porkchop will do for the talent portion. He pulls out a deck of cards and does a magic trick with Skeeter. Doug rejects it, saying it's been done before. Porkchop tries another trick...

Doug again rejects this. He says it has to be something really amazing. They have to beat Roger and Stinky, after all. Because a dog performing a magic trick or juggling while riding a unicycle is fucking Yawnsville. Anyway, Porkchop has another fantasy because Doug mentions Roger and Stinky and how bad they need to be beaten.

Incredible that Doug knows his dog is imagining that Roger is playing guitar so his cat can do complicated dance steps.

Porkchop has one more suggestion.

I have to agree with Doug on this one. Ventriloquism, even performed by a dog, is still ventriloquism. We'd all be better off forgetting it is a thing.

Anyway, Doug rejects that and says it has to be something dramatic, which is Judy's cue to reveal she's been eavesdropping.

She suggests they do a huge musical number with backup dancers and whatnot. Doug loves it and gets to work. He's the director. See?

Doug's taking this way too seriously. Who are his backup dancers?

Of course...no, wait. I expected Skeeter, but that other guy? Has Doug ever mentioned his name?

Doug makes them stay up all night working on his big musical number. He says they have to keep working if they're going to beat Roger and it causes Porkchop to have yet another fantasy.

I guess we just have to accept that Doug gets the most pretentious about directing a dog for a pet show.

Finally we're going to see some Pet Capades. The first act we see is Mr. Bone and his goldfish.

Mr. Bone yodels and the goldfish hops out of the bowl and honks the four horns on the table. The crowd applauds. Doug calls it lame. Up next is Roger.

Roger rips out a crazy guitar solo while Stinky just sits there looking badass. At the end of the solo, Stinky burps and the crowd boos. Was anyone but Doug really expecting anything more than this? It's Roger and Stinky; an underachiever and a cat. I'd say we're lucky the cat didn't piss on the guitar before vomiting and wandering off to kill a rodent.

And now that it's Porkchop's turn, he doesn't want to do it anymore.

Doug has removed all the fun. He doesn't want to do Doug's stupid musical number. The pink guy says maybe they should ask Porkchop if he has any ideas for the talent portion. Of course he does. He pulls out some sheet music.

Porkchop also had the costumes to go with it. Skeeter and the pink guy do a rap naming different kinds of dogs while Porkchop dances. It's a rap that Porkchop was listening to in his headphones in a much earlier episode. Season 1 or 2. The crowd loves it. Doug is proud. He finishes up his journal entry with this narration: "I found out that if you're gonna do something for somebody, you should do it for them, not yourself. One thing though, I bet Porkchop's glad I made him do this."

WHAT!?

Doug is projecting way too much on his pet. At best, Porkchop's enthusiasm for Pet Capades is a projection of Doug's true desire to be a part of something he knows his friends will think is lame. At worst, his parents have realized he's completely insane and have locked him in his room (for his own safety) where he makes up fancy stories about pet shows involving yodeling and horn-honking goldfish and horses and rock guitar and burping cats and hip-hop-loving dogs. Also, his best friend eats dog treats, so at least he can't make fun of him for wanting to be in a pet show!