Episode 30: Doug: Quailman VI: The Dark Quail Saga

"Dear Journal,
It's hard to believe the longest night of my life was caused by a movie I didn't even see."

Porkchop is running around the room playing virtual tennis while Doug whines to his journal. Doug's troubles this time start with a preview for a movie. The movie stars the actor famous for his role as Smash Adams. Now he's playing Detective Brock Slag. Sitting in a car, Detective Brock Slag tells someone over the radio, "I'm on my way." He pushes a button on the dashboard, and the car splits open to make room for his motorcycle to escape.

Why? His car wasn't broken. I guess he needed the speed and maneuverability, but everyone else on the road needs the road to not be blocked by the rest of the abandoned automobile. Brock Slag just doesn't give a shit about other drivers, does he?

Chap Lipman is also in this movie. I guess you can assume this was part of the reason The Beets broke up. He's making his acting debut as Dalton Felpy.

In this clip, he says, "this bank was robbed by beings from another galaxy."

Brock Slag and Dalton Felpy confront the beings. Brock puts on a helmet, turns on his jetpack, and dares the owner of the Rocketeer copyright to sue him.

Dalton Felpy jumps into some sort of flying machine and takes off. He's chased by a few of the aliens. They fly past a volcano as it erupts while a voice-over says, "in a film that's mostly special effects!"

Two tornadoes collide and throw out the exciting title for the film.

The voice-over repeats that the film is mostly special effects. How is that their selling point? Who could possibly be interested in that?

Patti too?

After the preview, a new reporter says the premier of Slag and Felpy is Friday in Bloatsburg. Doug and Skeeter are impressed by the sound of the premier, what with its popcorn and important people. Doug wishes he was important enough to go. Patti says she'll bring them back a program.

"Guy got tickets because he's the school paper editor and he asked me to go." Skeeter reacts with excitement, and we only hear the first bit of that excitement because Doug's inner monologue drowns out all other noise.

On the surface, he's not even pretending to be happy for Patti. You can see the disappointment on his face. Inside, this is how he feels.

At school the next day, the news about Guy and Patti going to the premier spreads fast.

I guess after she'd exhausted the conversation with everyone else, Connie tells Doug, "I wish I were Guy's girlfriend so I could do cool stuff like Patti."

Doug snaps back, saying, "just because she goes to one star-studded exclusive premier with him doesn't make her his girlfriend." In his mind, he adds, "on the other hand, of course it did.

Doug has a quick fantasy where he marches up to Guy, pounds a fist on his desk, and says, "Guy! You're not going to that premier with Patti!"

Doug tries to re-enact this fantasy but Guy asks him if rugby is spelled with two E's or with ie before he has a chance to say anything.

Doug says, "y."

Guy says, "why!? Why? I'll tell you why! Because the paper has to go to press! Oh. Y. Right, good."

Having solved Guy's great rugby problem, Doug finally gets to the point. He tries to guilt Guy into skipping the premier to work on the paper. How's he going to win journalism awards if he wastes precious time at a dumb premier?

Guy, being a total idiot that can't spell rugby, buys it. He half-asses some important sounding speech about his responsibility, then calls for Patti.

Doug offers to take the premier tickets off Guy's hands, but Sally offers to finish the paper for him.

It would be funny if she had a crush on Guy, but really I think she just wants his job. He's an obnoxious blowhard that apparently struggles with the spelling of simple words. He should be in politics, not journalism. Anyway, that's Doug's plan shattered.

After school, Skeeter is doting on this camera Mr. Dink loaned him. Apparently, it's so advanced, nobody even makes film for it yet. There is to be no more mention of this camera. I don't know why it is mentioned.

Ignoring Skeeter, Doug says, "he's an older guy, the editor of the paper, gets tickets to fancy shmancy stuff...hey, I'd be his girlfriend."

Skeeter looks at him, shocked.

"You know what I mean."

Skeeter suggests Doug just tell Patti it bothers him. Doug has three fantasies about this.

"Doug, if it bothers you, I won't go." They leave together.

I love that Doug's fantasies are directed by Alan Smithee. It's like he knows they are crazy nonsense and doesn't want to claim ownership of them. Anyway...

"It's just that...if you go with guy...you'll think he's better than me, and I'll be upset."
"What a loser."

And finally...

"Patti, you can't go with Guy, and that's final."

How do I quote an entire crowd laughing at Doug? Doug melts down into a blob and lurches away.

Doug tells Skeeter his suggestion isn't a good idea, then tries to drown his sorrows in chocolate swirly spritzers.

Doug overhears Roger talking about how he deals with shit. He says there's a time for talk and a time for action.

"Anybody crosses me, I don't talk. I sock 'em!" This gives Doug the idea that he should just sock Guy. Unfortunately...

...he just doesn't understand...

...what it means to sock someone.

Obviously, this was just another fantasy.

At home, Doug determines that Roger is correct. This is no time for talk. He needs to take action. He claims to have always been a man of action, but Porkchop does not back him up on this point. He says he'll be a man of action starting tomorrow as he returns to his drawing. Color magically appears on his line drawing.

And now we finally get to the Quailman aspect of this episode. There's a giant samurai robot marching through the city. Quailman says, "if he causes no trouble, he's welcome here like everyone else." Unfortunately, the giant samurai King Kong's Patti, so Quailman must rescue her.

Quailman demands Patti's release. The giant samurai grabs part of a building, uses it like a cup to capture Quailman and Quaildog, shakes them, and rolls them like dice.

He does not shout "Yahtzee" because, presumably, Milton Bradley did not pay up.

Before Quailman can get up and return to the fight, the giant samurai stomps on him. Quaildog is horrified.

I don't know if this is supposed to be a Marv Newland or Terry Gilliam reference. I would be surprised if it was neither. Either way, I'm happy.

So who is going to save Patti now that Quailman has been stomped to death? If Quailman couldn't stop the giant samurai, surely Quaildog would be just as ineffective. Don't worry, there's a new hero in town!

He's got a pretty awkward cape. It just looks more like a fish-shaped tumor than a cape. Anyway, he kicks the giant samurai in the ass to reveal its driver.

Dr Rubbersuit squeals when he is discovered in the ass.

Dr. Rubbersuit runs away and leaves the new hero to free Patti from the now immobile samurai. Patti asks his name and he announces, "I am the Golden Salmon. I swim against the current of injustice."

Patti tells him that Quailman is under the big foot.

After freeing Quailman, the Golden Salmon flies away. Patti asks Quailman if he's okay and he tries to play it off like he is. He says he was going to escape in a few more seconds anyway. He was waiting for the right "quail-moment." Patti doesn't hear him though. She is infatuated with the Golden Salmon.

Across town, in the headquarters of Megalo-Media, the Golden Salmon sneaks back into his secret identity, Rupert Shmupert.

The distinguishing feature that he must hide is his smile. He stops smiling and he becomes unrecognizable. Take that, Superman, with your stupid Clark Kent glasses. Patti enters and tells him she was rescued by the Golden Salmon. He says, "people tell me I look like the Golden Salmon."

"You? Don't be silly. There's no resemblance."

She goes on to say the Golden Salmon is as brave and heroic as Rupert Shmupert's reporting indicates. She reads a few headlines from framed copies of Daily Tripe on the wall. My favorite is this one.

Rupert Shmupert has a terrible strategy for keeping his identity secret, but it works. Of course, this is all written by Doug, and maybe he is just a terrible comic book writer.

Mr. Shmupert asks Patti if Quailman was at her rescue. She says yes and confirms the headlines about him being a total loser.

"Why that's not true! They're not underpants. They're my power briefs. They were in the shop, recharging."

Quaildog is equally upset about a headline that accuses him of leaving a mess. Quailman knows that Quaildog would never leave a mess and determines that someone is trying to make them look bad. Quailman decides to call on the Silver Skeeter for help.

Approaching Silver Skeeter's Sofa of Solitude, Quailman mentions Silver Skeeter's new coffee table. Upon arrival, he sees that Silver Skeeter has actually been Han Solo'd.

Quailman asks him who did this to him. There's this whole long gag where Silver Skeeter struggles to say that he doesn't have the energy to say who it was that did this to him but like, he has the strength to say that he doesn't have the strength to say who it was so what if he'd just said who did it to begin with instead of all this unnecessary stalling?

He does say, "beware the smiling salmon," and Quailman tries to confirm that he means the Golden Salmon. Instead he just says he doesn't have the strength to say the name.

Back on Earth, Rupert Shmupert invites Patti to a movie premier. She apologizes but says she loves the Golden Salmon. Shmupert grabs her by the shoulders and smiles.

She realizes, of course, that Shmupert is the Golden Salmon. Before they can make arrangements for their date, Quailman flies in through an open window. He declares, "I'll save you!" He pulls her away from Rupert Shmupert and she tells him to stop rescuing her. Rupert Shmupert takes this opportunity to take a picture for tomorrow's edition.

It's actually a fair headline. Quailman just burst into the room and declared that he was going to save her. He didn't know that Rupert Shmupert was the Golden Salmon. He wasn't in the room for that reveal. He just trespassed on the newspaper offices and declared that he would save a woman that wasn't obviously in danger. Anyway, the general public turns on Quailman.

Little Bowl Cut here says he hates Quailman and his mom says, "that's my good boy."

Inside the sombrero themed restaurant, Quailman is starting his fifth sundae when Dr. Rubbersuit chimes in.

He suggests they join forces to get rid of the Golden Salmon. Quailman agrees and they go to Dr. Rubbersuit's secret lair. Dr. Rubbersuit points out all his cool machines. Quailman asks what they do. Dr. Rubbersuit says, "I don't know. It's just cool."

Quailman suggests they begin working on their plan. Dr. Rubbersuit says he already has a plan. He pushes a button and traps Quailman in a small dome.

The machine splits Quailman into two.

The other one has a light beard and is evil. The Q on his sweater vest is a D, but like a D that has the little line that would make an O a Q. He is the Dark Quail. Before Quailman knows all this, he is pleased with the fact that there are now two of him because that means he can do twice as much good. The Dark Quail's first action is melting a copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Quailman demands that he stop but makes no effort to actually stop him. After destroying Huck Finn, the Dark Quail raids Dr. Rubbersuit's refrigerator, throwing many things out before lounging on the couch and drinking milk straight from the carton. Pure evil.

Dr. Rubbersuit explains that everyone is both good and evil. He ripped out Quailman's evil to create the Dark Quail.

I like that the liver is apparently the only part of the body exempt from this dichotomy.

The Dark Quail offers Dr. Rubbersuit a cookie before revealing that he's already eaten all of them. Then he picks up a car and hits Dr. Rubbersuit with it. He flies away, punching a huge hole in the roof and promising to filet the Golden Salmon.

Quailman says, "I hope this makes you realize that evil is bad."
"Meh, whatever."

Quailman flies after the Dark Quail, punching another hole in the roof right next to the first one.

In the offices of the Daily Tripe, the Dark Quail demands that the Golden Salmon come out and face his wrath. He uses his dark quail eye to destroy the framed newspapers on the wall. Quailman catches up with him and tells him to stop. He says the road to violence is not the path of the quail. They're about to fight each other when someone enters the room, so they hide behind some curtains.

A large green slug monster says, "my newspapers and television stations are taking over the minds of unsuspecting terrans! Especially my Children's Educational Network.

"And soon, Patti Mayonnaise..."

"...will be my brain slave."

The Dark Quail wants to smash this slug monster/Rupert Shmupert/Golden Salmon, but Quailman pulls him back and they fall out an open window. Before they hit the ground, they fly away. Quailman chastises Dark Quail but Dark Quail insists on clobbering the villain and eating all his snacks. Quailman stops him from flying away and they have a short air fight.

It's a comic book fight, so there these wonderful things that pop up.



Quaildog finally shows up and makes you wonder where the fuck he's been this whole time. A weird voice-over translates Quaildog's speech for us, so we know he says, "you must pull yourself together, Quailman."

Quaildog pulls this big mystery machine out of nowhere and aims it at the fight between Quailman and Dark Quail.

When he activates it, this orange beam hits the fight and Dark Quail starts shouting for his life and line of toys.

Quailman apologizes but needs to pull himself back together, so he grabs Dark Quail and starts rotating. Together they expand and explode and twist back into one being.

Meanwhile, Patti is getting ready for her date with Rupert. Her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find Quailman and Quaildog and a whole bunch of annoying disappointment. Quailman says, "I" and she slams the door in his face.

She returns to the mirror to finish applying makeup, so Quailman harasses her from the open window nearby.

Quailman tells her that Rupert Shmupert is actually a space slug that will turn her into a brain slave. Patti finds the idea unbelievable because how could he be a space slug, Rupert Shmupert, and the Golden Salmon. She says, "no villain in the history of comics has three identities." Quailman has a book about comic villains and offers to read through it with her to see if that's true. She shuts the window on him right before Rupert Shmupert rings her doorbell.

The weird voice-over translating Quaildog's speech or thoughts or whatever says, "you must use the trust of the quail. When you trust her to see the truth, she may trust you." Quailman finds another open window and asks Patti for one minute before she answers the door. After the minute, she can do what she wants. She agrees.

Quailman shares his quail powers with her. Putting the belt on her head, he tells her she must only use the powers for good.

The belt shows her a vision of the space slug putting on the Rupert Shmupert mask.

She opens the door and yells, "now I know the truth about you!"

She uses her new quail powers to zap Rupert Shmupert.

She doesn't kill him. She just destroys his human disguise.

He starts sliding away.

Quailman jumps between him and his limousine. Patti says the whole three identities thing is a turn off.

And finally, this long Quailman story is finished.

Doug says, "the next morning at school, I decided to be my normal, calm self again.

He waves politely at Guy as he walks past. He approaches Patti and asks, "how was the Guy...show!?"

She says it was okay. Apparently the movie sucked and everyone said it was good anyway. She expresses bemusement at the fact that Guy thought the whole thing was a date. She says she only went because he had an extra ticket and she thought it would be fun. Doug mutters to himself, "good thing I didn't sock him."

Doug asks her if it was a date and she says, "no. A date would be...like if somebody I really liked came up to me in the hall, like this, and he was standing there, like you..."

"...and we knew we liked each other and he asked me if I wanted to go skating on Sunday, then I'd say yes."

"That's what I'd consider a date."
"Oh...well...that's good to know."
"Well...see ya, Doug."

Finishing up his journal entry, Doug asks Porkchop if she was giving him a hint.

Porkchop sort of shakes his head. Doug says, "but what if I was wrong? I'd have to trust her not to laugh at me. I wonder what Quailman would do."

Based on the presumed action of the fictional character he created, Doug decides to take action. He rides his bike over to Patti's house. Strangely, he doesn't knock on the door or ring the doorbell. He stops on the sidewalk and shouts, "hey, Patti!" Apparently this is sufficient and normal and not at all rude, because she opens her window. He immediately gets to the point, finally. I mean "immediately" in the sense that he didn't try to make small talk or stammer nervously around the point. He's been in love with her since the first episode and here we are now 82 episodes later and he's finally asking her out. His actions can barely be called immediate. Anyway, he asks, "wanna go skating on Sunday?"

"No, I can't. I already made other plans, Doug."

"Oh, Okay. See ya. Bye."

Doug starts moaning and whining to himself over this rejection, but Patti reaches out and grabs his shoulder. She asks him if he wants to go to Swirly's.

They walk off together and one last weird thing happens, as a sort of Quailman ghost rises out of Doug and flies away.

So, I guess they're dating?

Patti doesn't come off so well here. We don't know the specifics of how Guy asked her to the premier, but given the pretty basic standards she laid out to Doug after the premier, she should have thought it was a date too. She could have shut that idea down right away. Maybe she tried. Guy has a way of steamrollering others in conversation.  He sucks and will probably spend a great portion of his later life using this experience as a universal truth about all women in angry rants on his blog. If it wasn't Patti, it would have been someone else he expected more from than he should have.