Episode 28: Doug’s Friend’s Friend

Everyone is excited about the new ride at Funky Town.

Al and Moo explain to Doug and Skeeter that the ride starts with a 5.9 earthquake, followed by a magnitude 6 volcano, and the twister is a 7. Skeeter is totally shocked. Doug asks, "what's that?"

Skeeter asks, "you don't know what a 7 is?"
"No, that music!"

This weird kid is practicing his tuba in line.

Skeeter sees Patti and Beebe walking away from the new ride and tells Beebe they're going the wrong way. Beebe says she's not going on the Natural Disaster Blaster because it's scary what a velocity 7 twister could do to her hair.

You can see how much Skeeter cares.

Doug suggests, "you guys could go with us. I mean...it might be less scary that way."

Skeeter does not approve of this idea.

Patti and Beebe agree to go with them. Doug and Patti get in a cart together while Beebe berates Skeeter. Skeeter just tries to tune out all the ways Beebe is covering Doug's rudeness with her own brand of shittiness.

As the ride starts, Skeeter glares at Doug and says, "you owe me big time, man." Fortunately, he says this so quiet no one else hears it or this episode might not be as interesting.

At school the next day, Mr. Bone calls for an assembly to talk about the weather.

The weatherman on the local news is warning about how the unusually high temperatures have melted snow packs in the mountains causing the Rollinona River to rise. Authorities are warning that the area could receive record flooding. Mr. Bone tries to reinforce the idea that this is a serious threat. He's seen floods before and "it means water everywhere!" Roger tries to imagine what that would be like.

Inside his brain, he has a uh...brain fart.

This causes him to twitch in his seat and shout, "stupid brain!"

Mr. Bone leads the students outside so they can practice treading water.

While treading air, Doug asks Skeeter, "have you been avoiding me because I stuck you with Beebe?"

Skeeter says he hasn't and he loves doing stuff with Doug. Doug asks if he wants to go to the arcade after school, and Skeeter says he doesn't. He offers no explanation. He just walks away. Or treads away. Meanwhile, Mr. Bone starts yelling at Skunky for this.

Mr. Bone is a jackass. How is this an unacceptable preparation for a flood? Anyway, Mr. Bone drags Skunky to detention.

Doug tries to make up for his rudeness during the rest of the week by suggesting fun activities to Skeeter. First, he has this telescope and wants to use it to find the Lucky Duck Monster.

Skeeter says he has to go buy shoes.

Doug suggests they watch this Smash Adams movie.

Skeeter says he has to go get some shoes.

Doug again suggest they find the Lucky Duck Monster.

Skeeter again says he has to get shoes.

Doug has a fantasy about how Skeeter has gone overboard with the shoe thing. Skeeter is in his room talking to his shoes like they are pets, and giving them stupid names.

That afternoon, Doug and Patti are helping prepare for the flood.

Doug asks her, "and if he's still mad I stuck him with Beebe, why doesn't he just come out and yell at me or something?"

Patti suggests that maybe he's not mad. Maybe he's just busy. She says things like this are like a hurricane and you have to wait for it to blow over. Doug understands this. He says it makes sense. Then he says he'll force it anyway.

The next day, he has yet another activity he wants to do with Skeeter. He wants to go see Tidal Wave Madness.

Skeeter says he's busy, and also Tidal Wave Madness is plebeian. Doug takes great offense at this. How could the great Tidal Wave Madness be plebeian? Skeeter doesn't know what he's talking about. Or rather, Doug doesn't know what plebeian means. In the library, he looks up the word.

"Unrefined or vulgar. See: Tidal Wave Madness."

Doug accepts that Skeeter was right, then overhears Skeeter whispering about the movie.

Doug finds Skeeter raving about Tidal Wave Madness to Skunky. Doug confronts him about this because this is a reasonable thing for Doug to be upset about, I guess. This is something Skeeter could have admitted earlier, instead of just insulting Doug's taste in movies. Skeeter could have said he already saw the movie and it was great, but he just made Doug feel stupid instead. And now, when confronted, he stammers about needing shoes and runs away.

Back in the auditorium, Roger is still trying to imagine water everywhere.

This time his brain doesn't fart. He imagines water rushing over everything, pushing cars around like they're nothing.

Ned interrupts this fantasy to tell Roger he can leave now. "The assembly has been over for like...3 days."

Rickets.

Roger has an idea and it doesn't make sense. Since the flood is going to be the biggest thing to hit this town, Roger plans to own it. His goons don't know what this means. How could they?

That afternoon, Doug visits places he says he used to frequent with Skeeter. First there was Mt. Saint Buster.

Apparently, they liked to climb this mountain. Doug hallucinates their ghostly forms climbing.

There's a hot dog stand where they apparently ate 100 hot dogs each.

There's so much about this image that I love I don't know where to begin. First, I guess, I fucking need that fountain in the back. Second, the hot dog vendor is just staring blankly, probably regretting the choices he made that led to this moment.
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Chuck?"
"I want to sell hot dogs at the park. It'll be so great! I get to stand all day, outside in the sun and the bugs, serving hot dogs to the imaginary ghosts of passersby. I might never be rich, but I'll get to work near the fountain of the child riding the fish. Not many people will be able to say that! I pity them."

Anyway, next Doug visits a store called the Knitting Kneedle. He says they used to buy brightly colored yarn here.

"And then I remembered...we never did any of that stuff!"

Doug just took us on a trip down a memory lane that never fucking happened.

Doug hears Skeeter laughing and sees him exit a flower shop. To someone inside, Skeeter says they need to get going if they want to get some brightly colored yarns. Doug is glad to finally get to see who has been taking up all of Skeeter's time.

As Doug sees this, dramatic music plays. Doug turns to these guys...

...and tells them to knock it off.

Doug, Skeeter, and Beebe take turns exclaiming each others' names until they all say at once, "I gotta go." They walk in three different directions.

In some unlabeled, plain building, a man is telling Roger they can't do it.

Roger points out a couple of named tropical storms and hurricanes. The man says they don't name floods. Roger says, "maybe a few dead presidents would get you to change your mind."

The man takes great offense at being offered a bribe. Roger takes greater offense at the idea of a bribe. He wasn't talking about a bribe. He points to the other side of the room where Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt are standing. The national weather service man is stunned. Somehow this works and the people on the news are now calling it Flood Roger. Meanwhile, Roger has to pay his actors.

The man playing Lincoln tells Roger, "if you ever need a moose, I do a great moose."

Back at the sandbagging operation, Doug is shocked to discover that Patti knew about Skeeter and Beebe.

She says it was obvious. Instead of letting Doug damage his back, she picks up the bag of sand and puts it into place for him.

While Patti gets a cup of water, as a break from all the work she's doing, Doug says that Skeeter never had a thing for girls before. She says, "yeah, right! How about Loretta LeQuigly? Muffy Silverson? And that girl that dressed like him?"

If you needed more proof that Doug is an unreliable narrator, here it is. He's missed so many obvious details about his best friend. What else has his missed? What has he just completely misinterpreted?

While they return to the weirdest, most inefficient sandbagging operation, Doug asks, "but Beebe? Of all people..."

Patti points out that you can't help how you feel about a person. She makes him realize Skeeter can't help liking Beebe the same way he can't help liking her. Roger interrupts their work to taunt them.

His voice echos so they can't understand him. He yells again, "YOU CAN'T STOP FLOOD ROGER!"

They still can't hear him. He steps forward to repeat it, but falls into the river.

The river is currently ankle deep. At the beginning of the episode, the weatherman warned that the river was rising dangerously, but here's proof that the whole flood scare is bullshit. Doug, Patti and several other volunteers are sandbagging the river banks when they clearly don't need to waste their time.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally asks Skeeter about his relation ship with Beebe. Skeeter tries to pretend he doesn't know what Doug is talking about.

Skeeter says he was hoping Doug forgot. Beebe told him to tell everybody he was getting shoes. "She's kinda sensitive about people finding out."

Skeeter explains how they started dating. When they were riding the Natural Disaster Blaster, she was barking orders at him as if he was driving.

Something happens to her brain when he points out that he isn't driving. She stares at him, her eyes turn into hearts, and she says, "you're so cool."

He says it felt right. He took her home that night and she acts like she wants him to kiss her at her front door. He doesn't and she yells at him that he shouldn't tell anyone before slamming the door.

On the way home, Skeeter is lost in thought and almost walks into traffic. A traffic officer saves him.


This kicks off a musical number called Swingin' in the Wind.

This is an obvious reference.

Instead of an umbrella, they gave Skeeter a Beebe made of leaves to dance with.

Now that Doug knows, there's no reason for Beebe and Skeeter to keep their relationship a secret, apparently. At lunch the next day, Skeeter says he likes her voice best. Meanwhile she's yelling at a cafeteria worker.

She sits next to Skeeter and Doug can't handle the situation.

Now, we get a short montage of scenes to demonstrate how unbearable Skeeter has become because of Beebe.

"What are you doing, Poo Poo?"
"I'm painting a picture. What are you doing, Skeet Skeet?"

"Oooh! Would you look at these little footies? Oh, they'll look so cute on Beebe's little feet."

"Eeew...you're aunt give you an early birthday present?"

Actually, Beebe bought it for him. Doug asks if him wants to hang out and he says he can't. He's having a weenie roast in the backyard. Doug mistakes this for an invitation (for some reason. It's pretty clear it isn't an invitation) and Skeeter has to explain that it's just for his parents and Beebe. Doug realizes that he's not Skeeter's best friend anymore and decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Now, a normal person, if they somehow came to this conclusion, would think this meant that he would finally ask Patti out and become one half of an insufferable couple. That would really show Skeeter how it feels, somehow. I mean, if he bothered to notice. Doug, however, decides to find a new best friend the crazy way. He asks the members of the A/V Chess Club if any of them needs a best friend.

All three of them raise a hand. Without really thinking about it, Doug picks Elmo. Elmo is the kid that was playing the tuba earlier.

Doug tries to make Skeeter jealous by telling him they're going to go look for the Lucky Duck Monster tomorrow. Elmo does a sad impression of Skeeter by saying, "cool, man. Beep beep."

Skeeter says he doesn't have time for that. He's going to Funky Town with Beebe because it is their two week anniversary. Doug mocks him, but this is completely ignored. Skeeter says he's trying to finish a song he wrote for her.

"Love you are my piece of cheese
my potato chip, my heart's trapeze
you warm me up like anti-freeze"

Doug finishes for him, "now take an extended trip over seas!" This cracks Doug the fuck up. Elmo remains expressionless. Skeeter says he doesn't think it's funny. Doug says he'd need a vacation after two weeks with Beebe.

"Man! I should've known you'd be jealous! Just 'cuz Patti won't give you the time of day!"
"What!? What are you talking about, Mr. Goo Goo Ga Ga?"

Doug mocks Skeeter's earlier enthusiasm for the footies and Skeeter walks away. Doug continues mocking him.

"Yeah, go ahead. Walk away. I'm not talking to you anymore, Skeeter Valentine. Do ya hear me? And you know what? Your shirt looks like someone named Poo Poo picked it out! And...you're not my friend anymore!"

The news keeps playing up the flood disaster.

They have an announcement from the mayor. Mayor Dink says, "I've called you here to tell you that we're still waiting for an update from the engineer corp concerning further releases of water into the Rollinona, which could cause a rise in Flood Rodney."

"ROGER! IT'S FLOOD ROGER!"

"Note to self: impeach mayor. Oh yeah...eat more cheese."

I guess when you bribe a public official by paying actors to pretend to be either time traveling presidents or ghosts of presidents, you should be pissed when you don't get your money's worth.

In his room, Doug is pacing around, unable to cope with the Skeeter and Beebe situation.

He determines that someone has to save Skeeter.

Remember how Doug made plans with Elmo to look for the Lucky Duck Monster? Well, fuck those plans and fuck Elmo. Doug has to save Skeeter and to do that he has to go to Funky Town. But he can't go without a disguise.

I know you're worried that, well, this is obviously a poor disguise. This is obviously just Doug wearing a fake mustache. Don't worry. This is only half of the disguise.

Where'd Doug go? Who is this old man in the sunglasses?

Before we get to Doug's undefined plan to save Skeeter, we finally get a glimpse at how Roger plans to profit from the flood.

I chose to believe Roger and his goons are the type of people that protest the national spelling bee, rather than four kids that know how to spell "survived" but not "flood."

Doug's first attempt at saving Skeeter is incredibly pathetic. He follows Skeeter and Beebe onto the bumper cars. When he sees Skeeter and Beebe stop next to each other so Skeeter can give her a flower, he charges.

They fail to notice Doug and drive away. He misses them completely and drives through the barrier. He loses control of the bumper car and ends up in some water.

I don't understand how Doug thinks this was supposed to work. Imagine he collided with the Skeeter and Beebe. What then? This isn't an episode of Gilligan's Island where Skeeter bumped his head and did something uncharacteristic and he just needed another bump to reverse the change. Skeeter and Beebe would just be annoyed with him. Doug's next plan makes about as much sense as this one.

Hiding behind one of those stupid fortune telling machines, Doug sees them walking his way. He quickly scribbles something on a small piece of paper and hides in the machine. He thinks, "I'll give them a fortune they'll never forget."

Beebe searches through her purse and says, "oops. Nothing smaller than a hundred. Another time, I guess." They walk away and Doug's shitty plan is foiled again. But wait, there's more!

Another couple approach the machine and actually have the quarter it takes to get a meaningless fortune.

"Swami says, "if you want to lose 80 lbs of unsightly fat, dump the girlfriend."

Another shitty plan foiled.

Doug is now spying on them without his disguise. They're about to take their anniversary ride.

Elmo approaches with his tuba and asks his best friend Doug what he's doing here. Before Doug can explain, Elmo see's Skeeter and Beebe and says, "oh, I see."

"That's the ride that started it all. Skeeter and I would still be best friends if he hadn't pushed me aside to be with Beebe!"
"Whoa! Hey! Whoa there, best friend! That is not what happened."
"What are you saying? What kind of friend are you?"
"The kind with a photographic memory. I was there. You were the one who said, 'I'll ride with Patti.'"

Finally, Doug realizes it's all his fault. Also, Skeeter only wanted to hang around with Beebe the same way he wanted to hang around with Patti. It's pretty funny when you consider that he was hanging around with Patti twice while volunteering but all he could think about was Skeeter. He finally realizes he's just been jealous.

Here's something truly depressing: Porkchop bought Flud Roger gear.

Or rather, Doug bought some Flud Roger gear for Porkchop because Porkchop is just a dog and dogs don't have money or know how to buy things because they are dogs. I don't know where Doug is getting all this money for weekly Funky Town trips and Mr. Swirly and Flud Roger gear.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally apologizes for how's he acted. He says he's really psyched Skeeter and Beebe are seeing each other. Skeeter says they broke up.

Appropriate responses all around.

Skeeter says she broke up with him because he made some kind of honking sound. Skeeter tries to apologize to Doug for how he behaved, but Doug tells him to forget it. As for Flood Roger...

"Though annoying for anyone living near the river, Flood Roger turned out to be little more than a puny trickle."

The episode ends with Roger jumping up and down on the dam, cursing it for failing to break. Roger is a fucking monster.