Episode 31, Part 2: Doug Flies a Kite

This episode begins with Doug trying to find something to watch on tv. Every channel has the exact same show, at the exact same spot in the story, but it's just a different stereotype. First we see the English, then the Mexican, then the Japanese, etc... He says it is "the boringest day ever." He doesn't say, but it must be a Sunday afternoon.

He walks into the other room and plops down on the couch and asks Phil what he's doing.

He's organizing slides from the last 10 years of family reunions. Exhilarating.

Doug asks if he wants to go outside to shoot some hoops but he says no. Then he plops down onto the floor and says, "I guess I could start on my boring kite for the Bluffscout air show tomorrow."

At this Phil jumps into action. "Huh? The Funnie 5! The Funnie 5, Doug! At last! The Funnie 5!"

He says, "this is Funnie 5, requesting permission to land," then runs around the room making engine noises because he apparently doesn't know the difference between kites and planes. Doug says, "insane! My dad had gone insane!" Like father like son?

After the title screen, they are in the attic where Phil is digging out the kite-making supplies. That doesn't look like Uncle Happy's old clown trunk, so this must be just some other trunk they store in their almost empty attic. Anyway, Phil gives him the supplies and Doug says, "what is this stuff, dad?" This is the kid that often fantasizes about being a detective. And a spy. And an intelligent quail. Well...

Anyway, Phil explains that it's the Funnie 5. He pulls out his trophy for the Funnie 4 and gets nostalgic.

So now they're giving out trophies for making kites? Has anyone ever received a trophy for making the best trophies? That'd crack me up.

Apparently Phil got this for his kite at the Tri-County Iron Kite Competition. It's hard to imagine there is such a thing. First, the name is illogical. Iron kite? Really, now. Second, they probably expanded it to three counties until someone finally entered, and then Phil just showed up and accepted the trophy.

Phil's enthusiasm continues to go overboard, but now that Doug knows the Funnie 5 is going to be a kite, he knows what to fantasize about. He's going to build a kite with his dad! Finally, some long overdue father/son time!

That's...unnecessary. It's a kite...

Goddammit. Do either of these two idiots know what a kite is? Phil's making engine noise and running around the room with his arms stretched out like wings, and Doug's fantasy kite is a fucking plane with no cockpit.

The fantasy fades out just in time for us to witness the end of the kite-making process. Phil is putting just a little more glue on the edge (!?) and says, "ah! And now we wait for it to dry!"
"So, is that the bottom, or just one of the sides?"
"That's it! The Funnie 5!"

Doug is extremely disappointed. He wants something flashier. This is when Phil really starts to get insane. And annoying. He says, "like my science teacher used to say: 'A simple design flies just fine.'" I'm glad I never had a science teacher that wasted my time with rhymes about fucking kites. He is again running around, pretending the t-square is a plane, and making engine noises. Just like a kite.

He has a rhyme for everything Doug suggests. How about some more sticks or something? "Too much wood flies no good." What about a tail? "Big tails fly like snails."

Later, Doug goes to the movies with Skeeter and Chalky. They're bragging about their kites while waiting in line. Skeeter's is shaped like a tug boat his dad used to have. Chalky and his dad are making a stealth kite. Roger shows up (because they didn't invite him and he desperately wants to hang out with them and be friends) and says his is shaped like a t-rex. Doug laments his dad's simple, boring design. Of course he has a fantasy for this situation.

Insane! Well done, Skeeter! Fuck you, physics! That stick kite between the two beet kites is Chalky's. It quickly turns into a shape much like a stealth plane, but disaster strikes!

Stealth planes are designed to avoid detection by radar, not a fucking t-rex. Roger's t-rex kite eats that shit up. When the fantasy ends, they are in the theater watching the movie.

The movie is some hybrid of Star Wars and Star Trek. It doesn't matter. What matters is that is causes another fantasy from Doug. He's now part of the movie, with his dad. They are the bad guys the good guys are approaching.

They fly up in their small, kite-shaped ship and Doug says, "oh no!"
"Don't worry, Son. Battle cruisers are bigger losers!"

Even in Doug's fantasies, Phil is making annoying rhymes; a good indication that a good portion of Doug's insanity comes from his father. Anyway, Doug says, "Dad, if you say one more thing that rhymes..."
"Gee, son. You're no fun!"

And Doug has just completed his first fantasy in which he tortures his father. In space.
At home Doug decides to alter the kite.

Pure evil. But look at the totally badass kite he made!

More evil?

He decides to try it out, which is weird since he never tried out the kite with his father's original, simple design. Anyway, Porkchop helps. With Porkchop letting the kite go from the ground, it doesn't fly. Doug's logic is that it just needs to be let go from a higher point, so Porkchop stands on top of the doghouse and lets it go. Again, nothing. From the top of the garage? Nothing.

Nothing. Doug's shitty kite just doesn't fly.

The day of the air show, Doug has wrapped the kite in cloth so his dad doesn't see how he ruined it. They are getting it out of the trunk of the car at the park when Mr. Dink, Mr. Valentine, and Mr. Studebaker come over and mock the size of it. Phil replies, "a kite that's small cannot fall." Doug is embarrassed and again, has a fantasy.

What if he was Mr. Valentine's kid?

Yeah, then he'd be happy. Or maybe Mr. Studebaker?

Or even Mr. Dink!

Yeah. He's be so much happier with a different dad.
...
The other guys laugh at Phil's small kite, and as they are walking away he says, "you guys just wait! Today's the day you meet your fate." If kites make you rhyme uncontrollably, you have problems.

Anyway, Phil put the kite on the ground for some reason and Doug noticed that a huge truck was about to run over it. He considers allowing this for a brief moment, then decides to try to stop it.

They save it, but Doug finally confesses that he altered the kite. He admits that it won't fly. Phil looks at it and says that the big stupid fins Doug put on it are probably making it too heavy. So they just remove them and it's time for the big stupid kite competition. But first Phil tells Doug that the simple, small design is what allows it to do tricks. It's a fighter kite! Now Doug is excited. If only Phil had mentioned this from the start, Doug might not have fantasized he was someone else's kid...or torturing, and possibly murdering Phil in space.

Now it's time for the big stupid kite competition.

Phil is the only one that's ever even seen a kite. The flying saucer is a neat idea for a kite, but it's not going to work. Combined with Skeeter's tugboat idea and Roger's t-rex idea, I think it's safe to assume that everyone else watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and thought the giant balloons are kites. None of the other kites fly. Doug's is the only one.

Look at that! Finally happy about his father's kite, but still not seeing it right.

One string? two strings? It's all the same to Doug, but a fighter kite is badass, and a badass fighter kite probably has two strings. So that's how Doug is describing it to us now.

And because switching from one string to two arbitrarily isn't enough, he switches it back to one again...

Oh, and Porkchop has made a balloon-kite shaped like himself. It's a Bluffscout father/son thing, but that's not going to stop Doug's crazy imagination from thinking Porkchop made and entered this thing in the competition too.

So now Phil has helped Doug with two things: avoiding fights and making kites...

...goddammit.