Episode 31, Part 1: Doug's Huge Zit

Today is going to be a great day for Doug. He's got his invitation to Beebe's Incog-Neat-O Ball tonight, which wouldn't be exciting to him if it weren't for the fact that it meant dancing with Patti Mayonnaise. Right after you wake up is a good time to hallucinate.

Yeah, this is going to be good.

Nevermind.

After the title screen, Doug is still staring into the mirror at his zit when it mutates.

Starting off the day with a hallucination and a fantasy about a zit that has arms and talks? That's Doug.

He starts going through Judy's shit, looking for a cream or something that might help him get rid of it. She catches him and offers help.

Porkchop is just meditating because he's a phony. The incense makes Porkchop cough and run away. Then it makes Doug and Judy cough. Doug says this shit isn't working and she suggest he wear a bag. Fantasy time!

He's the phantom of the opera, with a brown paper bag instead of a white mask, and Patti sneaks up and yanks the bag off for some reason. He turns around and the zit says, "Any requests, gorgeous?" It then makes a kissing sound and she screams in terror. This is a totally reasonable assumption of what will happen if Doug shows up with a bag on his head.

After the fantasy, Doug is telling Skeeter, over the phone, about how he can't go because of the zit. Skeeter tries to tell him something, but Doug is distracted by the old pervert spy next door, Mr. Dink.

This yellow thing just flew in the window and Mr. Dink started talking to Doug. It's a flying video-phone. And he just flew it into the bedroom of a middle school kid.

So anyway, Mr. Dink notices the zit and wants to help.

He bought this because it was on sale and he's never had the chance to use it. When he turns it on, it's starts shaking Doug's head. Doug just has to wear it for 72 hours and the zit will be gone. Why would anyone ever buy this?

On his way home, Theda comes out of the house so she can take him to get a new suit for the ball tonight. He says he isn't going and she predictably says he's being silly. "You'll look so handsome in your new suit...nobody'll even notice that little bump on your nose."

"You really think so?"

In this fantasy, Patti starts off saying exactly what Theda said, without the reference to the zit. "Oh, Doug! You look so handsome in your new suit." Then the fantasy takes a u-turn because Roger immediately points out the zit, asking if it's a headlight. The zit turns into three zits playing cards. Beebe says she'll never forgive Doug for ruining the party. Patti says she'll never be able to look at him again. A pizza man bursts in asking who ordered a pizza and the zits call him over. Roger asks to be dealt into the card game.

This was all set off by his mom's attempt to make him feel better. Doug just has a terrible, debilitating persecution complex.

At the mall, he's really concerned that someone might see him. Porkchop quickly points out the one person Doug doesn't want to be seen by...

And he's disappeared. Where's that fucker hiding?

In line at the book store, with all the other fans of the writer of "Famous Quails," waiting to get a copy autographed. I can't believe Doug didn't come to the mall for this reason alone. The author of "Famous Quails" is going to be signing copies at the mall!? The line to meet that writer should be considerably longer.

Anyway, Patti and Theda find them and say hello. Patti adjusts her hat, quickly looks at her watch, says, "look at the time. Gotta go" and leaves. Doug assumes it's because she can't stand to look at his big stupid zit.

Pretty nice suit. Everyone compliments him and he has one more crazy hallucination/fantasy where the zit talks before he walks outside to meet Skeeter.

Oh, right. It's a costume party. Somehow Doug missed that aspect of it entirely. It's the Incog-Neat-O Ball. What did Doug think that name referred to? Skeeter tried to tell him on the phone earlier, but he wouldn't let him speak, and then he hung up because of Mr. Dink's flying video-phone. So...yeah, just wear a mask, dumbass.

Perfect. When they arrive, Beebe tells them to be really nice to Patti tonight. She's really stressed out tonight. What's wrong? "I'd rather not say."

Inside, Doug looks across the room and sees Patti hanging out alone in the corner.

The Count is there with his lovely date, a toilet. One toilet! AH! Ha. Ha.

Doug approaches Patti and tells her she looks great. She's wearing a baseball hat, again, and he assumes she's the baseball fairy. That's a thing, right?

She takes off the hat and says the new girl at Quicky Cuts cut her hair too short. That's why she ran away from him at the mall. He tells her she looks great again. Killer Tofu starts playing. He lifts the mask up and she says, "hey, what's that?" He immediately assumes she's talking about the zit, and starts stammering and covering it with his finger. She says, "the song. Is it The Beets?" And they dance.

And the donut girl is back. When you've already had your torso removed for one costume, every costume you wear from now on should show that off. Unfortunately that limits you to donuts and tires and...? I really like the guy with the globe head too. I would wear that costume.

But yeah, basic persecution complex. Really, the only one he had to worry about was Roger, which hardly matters. If Roger had seen the zit and made a comment, it would've only succeeded in making himself look like a jackass. All of Doug's friends aren't suddenly going to turn on him because the cactus* made a rude, pedestrian joke about a zit.

*Yeah, Roger is dressed as a cactus, which is the most perfect costume ever. Finally, he looks the way he behaves. Cacti don't know how to make friends, and getting close to them will only hurt you. I don't know what this says for whoever it was that dressed like a toilet.