Episode 42, Part 1: Doug Door to Door

This week's episode begins with the Bluffscouts' weekly meeting.

In the library. With cardboard trees. And cardboard fire illuminated by flashlights. And a librarian that insists they be quiet any time they get above a whisper. So, I'm just going to have to ask why? It's a club that is supposed to be all about the outdoors. I would understand if they were doing it just this once because of a terrible storm, but Doug says they have meetings there every week. This is truly pathetic.

This week's meeting is about preparing for summer camp, which I can only assume will be held in a museum. But seriously, Mr. Dink pulls out a thoroughly depressing photo-album to prove a point. The photos show the scouts bailing water out of their canoes, Doug and Skeeter treading water surrounded by shards of canoe, and Doug and Skeeter carrying a canoe that's simply broken in half. The point is obvious. To raise money to get new canoes, the Bluffscouts are having a door-to-door fundraising drive. Doug is not pleased.

Looking at the goal, Doug wonders how they're going to make enough money. Skeeter reminds him of what they had to sell last year (!?), "crummy Booster Bars." Doug thinks it would be cool if they got to sell something people would actually want and then has an infomercial fantasy called Astounding Products where he's selling the Bluffscout Pocket Knife-a-majig.

It's not just a simple knife. Sure, it has a simple knife. It also has scissors. Standard yawn material. But check this out. It also has a water purification system.

On top of that, it also has a satellite dish, a solar-powered washer/dryer, and perhaps most impressive of all, a toothpick. The fantasy ends with the audience shoving fistfuls of cash in Doug's face (like most infomercials) while he closes his eyes and grins big. The fantasy fades out and he's of course acting out the grin. He admits that the product they're going to sell doesn't have to be that great, just as long as it wasn't Bluffscout Booster Bars.

Of course. Everyone groans and Skeeter points out that everyone hates those bars. Doug says he could only sell one bar last year (!?) to himself. Mr. Dink tells them to think positive. For each patrol to get their canoe, each person only has to sell one box of Booster Bars. That's only 25 bars.

Phil and Theda are no help at all. Phil says 25 is an awful lot and asks, "don't we still have the one we bought last year?" Theda tells him to ask Judy. Judy says she won't get caught up in Doug's "bourgeois capitalist money-making scam." Doug says it's for charity and she points out that buying a canoe for some kids is hardly charity. Before she leaves, she says the Booster Bars taste like cement and suggests selling them to the neighbors. Apparently Doug didn't understand when Mr. Dink called this a "door-to-door fundraising drive" that he's supposed to go around the neighborhood selling the shit to his neighbors.

The first neighbor he goes to is thankfully not Mr. Dink. It's some old woman that can't hear for shit. After a lot of confusion and yelling, she agrees to buy some. But then she asks if they are Bluffscout Booster Bars and Doug says they are. She yells her disgust, says they taste like cement, and slams the door in Doug's face.

The next guy says he's already got a Bluffscout Booster Bar.

"Best doorstop I ever had, too."

There's a quick montage of Doug getting doors slammed in his face. The first time he gets out a whole sentence and then yells that it makes a good doorstop after the door is slammed in his face. With each new house, he says less and less until the last one all he gets out is the "he" of hello. People really do hate these Bluffscout Booster Bars. Or kids. It's possible they just don't want to be bothered at home. All this rejection finally triggers a fantasy of what's going to happen since he's just not going to be able to sell 25 bars.

First, the other patrols are going to sell their bars and get their new canoes. They're not getting the canoes Mr. Dink showed them at the beginning either. They are getting this!

Yes! They sold so many Bluffscout Booster Bars they bought this big ass dragon boat. Oh, and they brought a guest with them to camp!

"HEY DOUG!"

Pathetic. The wake from the super-fast dragon sailboat hits them and knocks them out of their Booster Bar box. Skeeter says, "thanks a lot, Doug." Chalky adds, "yeah." It's all Doug fault. He was the only one of those three that didn't live up to the expectations.

After the fantasy, Doug sees Roger selling bars to the doorstop guy. Doug is confused and starts following him.

He watches while Roger sells some to the deaf old lady that first slammed the door in his face. She has no problem at all hearing Roger. Roger compliments everything he can. Her clothes. Her house. When he pulls out the Bluffscout Booster Bar, she tells him she just told another scout no because they taste like cement. Roger blocks her from going back in the house and tells her they have a new formula this year. He offers her a free sample and she likes it. She buys the rest of Roger's bars.

Walking away from the old lady's house, Roger spots Doug and asks him about his sales. Doug asks him how he's getting people to buy them. Roger says it's all about presentation. Porkchop and Stinky are doing their little arguing thing, and Stinky runs over to Roger, grabs the chocolate bar he's using for the free samples, and throws it at Porkchop. Doug picks it up.

Obviously. It is rather curious that Roger left the original wrapper on the chocolate bar. He wanted to get caught. Doug calls it cheating. Roger says he's not cheating. He's just doing his Bluffscout duty. He starts to go on a crazy rant about selling chocolate.

Maybe if he didn't have the long sleeve uniform with pants, he'd get enough sunlight on his skin to produce enough vitamin D so he could fix that horrible case of rickets. Anyway...

"It came to me! Like a vision! This wasn't just for me! I was selling this chocolate for every kid who ever has, or ever will, put on a Bluffscout uniform! I would be cheating, not only myself, not only the Bluffscouts, but humanity itself, if I didn't do everything I could to move this chocolate!" Doug is so inspired he's hallucinating by the end of it. The sun has faded away and fireworks are exploding around Roger.

Doug might be having a seizure. Roger tells him he has to decide if he wants to be a zero or a hero. He has a fantasy at some monument to the Bluffscouts where a really old Mr. Dink is acting as a tour guide to some really young Bluffscouts. After talking about how Doug turned the whole troop around with his chocolate sales, Mr. Dink calls Doug a hero and points out the statue.

Quite the heroic pose. In the Bluffscout history books, Doug is going to take credit for Roger's sleazy idea, and they're going to put a quote from the time before he stole the sleazy idea on the statue of him. Makes perfect sense...

After the fantasy, Doug decides to go with it. Porkchop disapproves and argues with him (dogs are so moral), but Doug decides to do it anyway, for the good of the troop. Since he's standing in front of Mr. Swirly's house, then guess who his first sucker is.

Mr. Swirly is not as immediately dismissive as everyone else, but he does point out that he's already got more chocolate than he knows what to do with. Good choice, Doug. Sell candy to a guy that owns a candy and ice cream factory.

After Doug tells him it's for a good cause, he reconsiders. He asks if it's tasty and Doug gives him a piece of Roger's chocolate. Mr. Swirly loves it and offers to buy the whole box. This makes Doug feel bad and he offers a real Booster Bar for a taste test. Mr. Swirly takes a bite and is horrified. He says it tastes like cement and demands to know who makes this junk.

HA! Mr. Swirly wants to fix this so they hop in his ice cream truck and drive to the factory. Fast. I'm pretty sure Mr. Swirly was speeding and probably ran a few stop signs and red lights. This is a candy emergency though...

They go in the factory and look around. It's all typical automated production line factory bullshit until Mr. Swirly spots the problem.

There's a cement truck in the factory and a system of buckets is carrying cement over a big vat of chocolate. The system is shaky so the cement spills out of the buckets into the chocolate. This has been going on for years apparently. Where's the quality control? This is just so absurd. It looks like there's construction going on at the factory when Mr. Swirly drives up, so there seems to be a reason for the cement truck to be there, but why would they ever set up this horribly inefficient and dangerous way of getting the cement to where it needed to be? Mr. Swirly is trying to kill everyone in Bluffington. It was bad enough when he fed everyone ice cream that had chocolate chips chopped up by the air conditioning fans, but this is just criminal. It's cool though because Doug's a hero.

Mr. Swirly recalled all of the cement bars and sent the Bluffscouts new cement-free bars to sell, which is a dick move. The Bluffscouts have a reputation for selling the shittiest bars because of this guy. They go door to door and get rudely rejected because they're selling chocolate bars filled with cement. Mr. Swirly should buy them some fucking canoes, and then some. Mr. Swirly is either an evil jackass, or a total incompetent. Either way, he should be in jail at this point.

At the end, all the people Roger scammed come back to get him at the library. They demand their money back, and they want to buy the new chocolate bars from an honest Bluffscout. So they line up and Roger gives them their money, they walk over to Doug and use that money to buy chocolate bars. It's an exercise in publicly shaming Roger for his scam. Maybe he learned his lesson, but probably not.

Episode 41, Part 2: Doug & Patti Sittin' in a Tree

Doug begins this episode by asking us/his journal, "did you ever feel like someone was holding your heart in the palm of their hand?"

Starting with a hallucination, the beating heart in Doug's hand turns into a beet he's going to eat at lunch.

It's a small hallucination, and it doesn't really fit with what Doug is saying, but it would be even crazier if he made Patti hold the beat so he could imagine she was holding his heart in her hand. Because yes, of course he's talking about Patti.

Doug says everything started at recess, even though everyone outside is sitting at a table eating their lunch. Apparently, if schools let you eat outside, they can call it recess too, effectively merging your two favorite parts of the day into one thing that will never be long enough.

Anyway, Patti comes over and sits down next to Doug. He's eating alone for some reason. Perhaps he has not yet learned that he needs to start wearing deodorant. Whatever. Patti asks him if he wants to go see a movie on Friday. He asks her who else will be there and she says she didn't plan to ask anyone else. The conversation is very awkward, as you might expect. Everyone around them gets increasingly interested and giggly about this situation. After Patti walks off, Doug blushes and says, "wow, just me and Patti. I wonder if that means it's a...a..."

Everyone around him finishes his sentence in unison. "A DATE!" Roger asks what they'll name the kids. Skeeter calls him a stud.

Doug is very embarrassed by this whole thing. After all, this is only exactly what he wanted since the day he moved to Bluffington.

Later, Doug is arguing with Skeeter, insisting that it's not a date. He says she would have called it a date if it was one. Chalky says that's not necessarily true. Know-it-all. They start walking to class and Doug asks how he's supposed to know if it's a date. Chalky says it's a date if she dresses up. He doesn't address the issue of whether Doug should dress up. As they walk down the hall, different people are looking at Doug and snickering. They run into Roger while he's doing that thing where you make kissing noises and hug yourself so it looks like you're making out with someone. He turns around and says, "oooh, Funnie. Didn't see ya coming!"

Everyone laughs even though that's not really a joke. Doug is further embarrassed when he walks into the science classroom.

As Doug erases his dream written in chalk, he asks, "how about if she isn't dressed up?" Skeeter says he should try buying her ticket to the movie. If she lets him buy, it's a date. Doug asks the obvious because she might not let him buy the ticket. Skeeter and Chalky agree that if all else fails, try to hold her hand. If she lets you hold her hand, then it's definitely a date. Finally the science teacher walks in and starts his lesson on animal mating rituals.

He's going to demonstrate with two tacky yard decorations? High quality education.

Watching his teacher play with plastic birds makes Doug think. If it really is a date, he needs to do some research. At home, he consults a Smash Adams movie called Kiss of the Asp. Smash Adams is on top of some woman in a speedboat when he is attacked by two scuba divers. Doug turns off the movie and puts in Catman Returns. It starts with a woman dressed in what must be a mouse suit (Mousewoman?) saying, "may I have this dance?" Catman says, "meow," and they start fighting.

Doug stops this movie too. He puts on one more movie. This one is called Sweet Sixteen. After watching a scene where a couple roller-skates through an art museum, Doug stops the movie. "This is ridiculous. This isn't what real people do on dates." That's a bit of a relief. Patti would never talk to him again if he drove a speedboat to the movie theater while wearing roller-skates and a cat costume. Doug wants to know what real people do on dates, but he admits that unfortunately, Judy is the closest he has to that.

She's getting ready for a date with a guy named Cassius. She objects to his use of the word "date." "Mom and dad dated. Dating went out with bell-bottoms." Doug points out that she's wearing bell-bottoms, and she tells him not to get smart. He asks her about their plans and she mentions going to a silent film by some made-up director Doug's never heard of, and then going to a charming cafe for coffee. Before Doug can ask for any advice, Cassius honks his horn, so she runs outside. Doug follows her, trying to get her to tell him something helpful when he overhears Cassius' greeting. He's putting on a bad accent and complimenting her looks. Doug takes his first note. "Step 1: Use goofy accent."

Doug follows them to the movie and overhears their conversation as they're leaving the theater. They're making pretentious statements that don't mean anything and Doug writes down another note. "Step 2: Use big words."

At the cafe, Judy is criticizing one of Cassius' dumb opinions when this happens.

Yeah, she was mid-sentence. This asshole just didn't want to be called out on his contrarian bullshit, so he just leaned over and shut her up before she could finish her point. I do not like Cassius. Doug is shocked, thinking to himself, "that's what I'm supposed to do?" He has a fantasy.

In the fantasy, Doug and Patti are at a cafe and Doug says, "um, I thought the instamatic shot retribution was rather self-regurgant." Patti asks him what he's talking about, and finding no words to explain the complete horseshit he just said, he stammers a bit and tries to kiss her.

She leans back, asking "what are you doing?" Doug loses his balance and falls forward, knocking the table and Patti to the ground. Doug should have taken this terrible scenario a few seconds further to show Patti on fire. He set it up with that candle on the table. He totally would have burned her.

Anyway, it's time for Skeeter to help. After seeing what Judy and Cassius do on dates, Doug is nervous. Skeeter has a book.

No word on whether that book is age appropriate for middle school kids. Oh, and yeah...Doug is practicing with a stand-in.

This is perhaps the creepiest thing Doug has ever done. Why does he have a complete Patti costume for his dog? Porkchop is pissed. Doug says he's going to call Patti and tell her he's sick. Skeeter reiterates the point about holding hands, and just tells Doug to practice. Doug puts his hand on Porkchop's paw, and Porkchop starts to teasingly play along. After freaking Doug out with an interested moan, he licks Doug's face. This makes him say he's definitely calling her to cancel. Judy overhears, intrigued by the use of the word, "her."

Judy gets really excited about Doug's date. He insists it's not a date and reminds her of her point about bell-bottoms. After her initial excitement, she looks at Doug and criticizes what he's wearing. After she leaves to get him some better clothes, useless dad enters.

He starts to say something about growing up, but Theda interrupts him with her meddling. She wants Doug to wear his blazer on his date. They gave him that blazer for Christmas and he's never worn it. Judy objects, saying he needs to stick to jeans and black leather.

Judy keeps going on about accessories while Theda keeps going on about how cute the whole thing is. She guesses the date is with "Patsi" before Phil asks them to let him have a man-to-man chat with Doug. Finally Doug blows up. He insists that it's not a date and he's just going to wear his regular clothes. Also, everyone should stop making such a big deal out of it.

Walking to the movie theater, Doug is called "Loverlips" by Roger, and "Smoochmaster Doug" by Al and Moo. He pays them no attention. He is too busy muttering "it's not a date" and "it's no big deal" and "I'm just going to go to the movies like any other night" to himself, like a crazy person.

When he finally gets to the theater, he notices she's dressed up and decides it is a date. He walks to the ticket window and buys two tickets.

If you'll notice, Patti is not dressed up. She is wearing a jacket. Similarly, Doug is not just wearing his normal clothes. He is wearing a jacket. Doug thinks jackets are fancy.

After Doug buys two tickets, he turns around to give one to Patti, but she's already at the window buying her ticket.

Is Patti just not that smart? There was no one else in line for tickets. There wasn't a lot of noise when Doug asked for two tickets. He held up two fingers, which she could clearly see. Is she actively trying to avoid considering this thing a date? She shouldn't have let Doug waste that money and embarrass himself. Not cool, Patti. Doug decides this means it's not a date.

In the theater, Doug is trying to build up the courage to put his hand on hers, and every time he starts to awkwardly make his move, Patti moves her hand to scratch her nose, or she offers him some candy.

The movie they are watching is amazing, by the way. It's a love story like you've never seen before. It sounds terrible and cliche at first, before you see what's on the screen.

Katrina: Oh, Charles, society will never accept our love.
Charles: But we cannot let them stop us. We must listen to our hearts!
Katrina: But we're so different. We come from different worlds.
Charles: I know, Katrina! You are from a rich, powerful family. Whereas I...

"I am a giant lizard creature from Planet Z, but I...I love you!"

After the most amazing movie ever, Doug asks if she wants to go do something else. She asks, "like what?" He says they could go to a charming cafe for some coffee. Patti says she hates coffee because it takes like chalk. So yeah...Patti might be dumb. They go for a walk instead.

So they're walking and talking about the movie. Doug starts to talk about "the time where the guy grabs her arm" and acting it out, he actually grabs Patti's hand. He immediately pauses, unsure if this means anything. She looks down and up without indicating any emotion at all. He quickly lets go of her hand and says, "oops."

They walk in silence to her house. When they get there, she says she had a really good time. He says he did too. Then they start having that awkward "I don't know how to end this" conversation type bullshit where they don't know what to say or how to say it. Eventually, Doug asks if tonight was supposed to be a "whatever." She says she doesn't know. "Are you saying it was a...you know?"
"No, I don't think it was necessarily a 'whatever,' unless you think it was a...'you know.'"
"Me neither."
"I can't believe everybody thought it was."

They laugh and then have this extremely hilarious moment that I had to turn into a gif, because I just can't adequately describe how shitty this is for Doug.

WHAT! Why does she do that? This is a pure Doug's journal moment. They just agreed that this wasn't necessarily a date, and then Doug thought they were both going in for a kiss. They weren't. He might have been, but she's clearly not ready for that.

Doug finally decides that it indeed was not a date and starts to walk home. Roger and all the guys stop Doug and ask him how it went.

They want tips. Like Doug, they're looking in the wrong place. Doug has no advice to give. He never really got a handle on the whole evening, and probably won't understand everything until he's much older and it no longer matters.

I really can't give Doug too much shit for this whole thing. First dates are awkward for everyone, especially if neither party is clear about their intentions. I can only hope that Doug does learn to push for a little clarity in similar situations in the future. It's just miserable to let it be and wait for the other person to make a move. Doug waited so long that she finally asked him out, and then his anxiety made him worry about the nature of the date. If he doesn't change, he's going to get sick of this happening with every girl he likes, because he's never going to date any of them. Most of them probably won't ask him out like Patti. He'll wait for no apparent reason, and whether they know he likes them or not, they will move on to someone else and Doug will hate himself because he never made a move. If he doesn't work on this, his anxiety disorder will get much worse.

But why does he have to be so pessimistic? He's so insistent that it's not a date before it happens. The girl of his dreams asked him out, and he refuses to accept the fact that she probably did mean it as a date. Anyone else would refuse to accept that it might not be a date.

Episode 41, Part 1: Doug's Bum Rap

Doug has been called to Mr. Bone's office to discuss his last English test.

Naturally, Doug is wondering what they need to talk about. His first guess is that he failed. His first fantasy begins with Ms. Wingo busting out of the door with other unnamed people. They are members of the press.

"There he is, gentlemen; the boy who got the lowest test grade ever recorded!"

Doug is shocked to learn he scored a -60! He says that's impossible, but this is his fantasy, so...cameras flash and a voiceover, like a news reporter, announces that Doug, the stupidest boy in history, has been inducted into the Bluffington Hall of Losers.

I wish this wasn't something Doug just made up for the fantasy. This should really exist somewhere in the school. At least then Doug's fear of being added to it wouldn't be so absurd.

At the induction ceremony, Doug's parents are so embarrassed they put on disguises before sneaking away.

Presumably they chose these disguises to demonstrate why Doug is so stupid.

After that fantasy, Doug considers another possibility. He has another fantasy that starts the same way except Ms. Wingo says he scored the highest grade ever recorded. We don't see what that grade is, but the cameras start flashing anyway. As a prize for Doug's hard work and genius, Ms. Wingo gives him the collected works of William Shakespeare.

She says they think he could make some improvements.

I don't know which of these fantasies is more absurd.

Ms. Wingo comes out of the office and disrupts Doug's second fantasy to show him the test. He got a B. He's thrilled. Mr. Bone is pissed. He is convinced Doug cheated.

Doug's test is identical to Chalky's. Doug says, "Maybe it's a coincidence." Mr. Bone says he determined that's unlikely, after he compared their permanent records. Doug has a quick fantasy about this.

Doug's coat hanger solar system is falling apart. Chalky's solar system is remote controlled. Also, if this was Chalky's fantasy, "kindergarten" would be spelled correctly. Doug also visualizes their differences in third grade and present day. In third grade, Doug lost the spelling bee because he spelled bologna wrong. In third grade, Chalky won the spelling bee by spelling antidisestablishmentarianism correctly. In present day, Doug swings at a baseball, misses and falls on his ass. Chalky hits the ball to a ton of applause.

After the comparisons, Mr. Bone is yelling at Doug to confess to cheating. Doug doesn't, because he knows he didn't cheat. Ms. Wingo walks him out and says the guilty party has one day to confess. Otherwise both of them will have to do a retest on Saturday. Mr. Bone adds that the retest will be much more difficult. Doug sets out to talk to Chalky about it, because if Mr. Bone is only going to do half of his job, Doug might as well do the other half. He goes first to the school newspaper. Since Chalky is the editor, he should be there and they can talk.

He's not there. After explaining everything to Patti, she puts forth the idea that its just a coincidence. Al and Moo shut her down though. They've just calculated it somehow and found that the odds of them having that many answers the same are 1 in 2,070,095,908.2. They calculated that awfully fast. Did they get all the variables in there? Anyway, Doug comes to the logical conclusion that Chalky must have cheated. Patti tells him that Chalky must've left for track practice, where he is team captain.

At the track, Roger hassles Doug about the cheating. Roger is proud of Doug and says he's working on a plan that will allow Doug to help him cheat off Chalky too. Finally, Doug spots Chalky setting up for a race and runs over. He asks if they can talk, but Chalky points out that it's not a good time. Doug doesn't accept that and just runs along with him.

Doug doesn't get to bring up the test before he trips over the third hurdle. When he gets up, Chalky is gone. Coach Spitz (who rushed over worried that Doug had broken one of his precious hurdles (seriously, this man needs to be fired)) informs Doug that Chalky has gone to band practice, where he is first chair trumpet. Chalky can't even edit a newspaper without needing to run a race he can't finish because he needs to play some trumpet.

Doug catches up to him and asks again if they can talk. Chalky points out that he's busy, again, and starts playing trumpet. They're playing Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, and Connie's stretching the limits of her talent and playing the cannon. She lights it and lets it blow (totally randomly, not in time with anything. She doesn't seem to know when she's supposed to be firing it). The noise of the cannon shocks Doug and distracts him long enough for Chalky to get away. Doug asks Connie where he might have gone and she tells him swim practice. Doug guesses that he's the captain of the team and Connie corrects him. Chalky is the entire team. Sad.

This is just desperate. And it doesn't work. By the time Doug gets out of the pool, Chalky has run off again. He has a quick fantasy about how he might actually get Chalky to sit still for a brief chat.

Doug runs up to Chalky in an empty plane. Chalky has a parachute on his back and is putting on a helmet. Doug handcuff's himself to Chalky, saying, "I'm not leaving your side until this is settled."

"Okay, but this is parachute club!"

In this fantasy, Doug would have wasted all the time it takes to take off and get to the right altitude, in the right location for parachuting so that he could finally approach Chalky at the worst possible moment. And then Chalky would have to kill both of them by jumping anyway.

Doug decides to wait until after school. He'll ambush Chalky as he's leaving. Unfortunately Roger shows up first.

He's come up with a stupidly complicated system of hat adjustments to spell out shit. This is how he plans to get Doug to help him cheat. He can't remember exactly how his system works, and Doug points out that Ms. Wingo would notice anyway. Roger didn't think of that.

While dealing with Roger, Doug fails to notice Chalky getting on his bike and speeding away. Doug tries to catch up to him, but he's just not going to be able to catch the star athlete. Doug finally realizes that Chalky is avoiding him. Doug is being a bit too dense here, isn't he?

Doug has another fantasy that focuses on how everybody thinks Chalky is Mr. Perfect. Chalky walks past the school and Patti says he's perfect in every way. Ms. Wingo says he's the best student there ever was. Then Chalky hops behind a tree to remove his disguise.

Yeah, he's just a big rat.

So, Doug just rides his bike over to Chalky's house. Chalky is outside throwing a football with his father. When he sees Doug ride up to his father, he quickly grabs Doug, taking him inside. He tells his dad they have to talk about something.

When they get in Chalky's room, Chalky immediately confesses that he cheated. Obviously. Leave it to the perfect kid who knows everything to suck at cheating. You don't copy everything exactly. That's too obvious, shithead. Doug asks him why and Chalky shows him his schedule.

Why is every football game ever the big game? I like that he had to give blood on Tuesday. He's not even old enough to give blood. What's next? Was his presidential campaign having a fundraiser in Iowa and he just didn't have time between the hand shaking and baby kissing to study for some stupid English test?

Doug tells him to confess to Ms. Wingo. He says he can't. He has to play in the big game on Saturday. If he has to take a retest, he won't be able to play and he'll be letting the whole school down. His father will be disappointed. Doug points out that the only way Chalky would get to play would be if he confessed. Chalky immediately takes this the wrong way, thinking Doug was volunteering to do such a thing. What a jerk.

Chalky starts begging him to take the blame. He reminds Doug of how he helped him with his science project, math homework and fitness test. I don't remember that. I only remember Patti helping him with his math homework. Anyway, Doug has a fantasy where he takes the blame.

He's tied up in the back of a cart being rolled to a public execution, probably a hanging or a beheading. He gets up to the executioner, who removes her mask.

"You have 30 minutes!"

After the fantasy, Doug agrees to confess to cheating. On the way out the door, Chalky's dad starts bragging about his son, saying it's so nice of him to take time out of his football practice to help someone with his homework. What a douche. He leads Doug into their stupid trophy room.

The left wall is actually Chalky's brother's shit. Chalky's shit is on the right and there's already way more than Doug's trophies and ribbons. Doug has what? The second place ribbon from the science fair and leftover "Pulverizers" bumper stickers.

Chalky's dad is pretty insufferable. He just keeps going on and on. He says it must be pretty inspiring to be around Chalky and calls him Mr. Perfect. That's when Doug finally says, "of course he's perfect. He cheats." And that's why Chalky finally confessed to his dad. Chalky ends up taking the retest and the football team plays without him. While Chalky is taking the test, Coach Spitz is in the room yelling at Ms. Wingo to let him play for one play because the team is getting killed. Maybe if their coach was actually coaching instead of worrying about one player, they wouldn't be in such bad shape.

At the game, Roger approaches Doug with a new system for cheating. He's got one mirror on his hat and another on his shoe.

Check out Doug's doppelganger! Roger doesn't get to explain this new system before Doug cuts him off and tells him that Chalky was the one that cheated. Roger runs off to see if Chalky wants to share the new cheating system. If only Roger spent as much time studying as he does thinking up new ways of cheating...

Everyone in this episode just sucks. Doug is too slow to pick up on the obvious. He already knows Chalky cheated. If coincidence is impossible, and Doug knows he didn't cheat off Chalky, then duh. Chalky is avoiding you because he knows he got you in trouble. You didn't need to follow him to band and swimming practice to figure that out. He abandoned track mid-race because you showed up. That's a red flag that's pretty hard to miss. Mr. Bone and Ms. Wingo suck. They only called Doug in to accuse him. If Chalky is so fucking perfect and Doug cheated off him, wouldn't they have both received A's? No, they got B's. That's a Doug grade on anything that isn't art class. Chalky's dad is a real dickhead. At the rate he's pushing Chalky to be the best at absolutely everything, Chalky will have a drug problem starting yesterday.

I guess it's a little hard to give Chalky shit for what he did. His situation is almost the opposite of Doug's, but the result is basically the same. Chalky's parents are pushing him too much and it's driving him crazy. Doug's parents are too wrapped up in recycling and department store photography to give a shit about Doug's life, and it's driving him crazy. They'll both end up being heavily medicated adults, but only Doug's will be legally obtained prescription drugs.