Episode 52, Part 2: Doug's Bad Trip

This episode begins with the Funnie family on a road trip. Doug and Judy are arguing in the back seat.

Theda turns around and yells at them to stop arguing so their father can find the right turnoff. Phil says he knows the right turnoff and insists that he's not lost. As if she didn't hear him, or because she doesn't believe him, she says they should have just stopped and asked for directions. Doug and Judy continue their argument in the back seat, which is about who is to blame for this shitty vacation. When Doug tells her to shut up, Phil turns around and starts to say something but he's interrupted by the blowing horn of a moving truck headed straight at them. Why is he driving so fast, at night, in the rain, in an unfamiliar location? Because he's Phil Funnie, and he's fucking stressed. Anyway...

A day or so earlier, the Funnies are having a family meeting. Phil is pacing the room and sadly tells everyone they won't be able to go to grandma's this year.

They are all shocked and saddened. When asked why, Phil excitedly says it's because they are going to the Great Painted Gorge. They are excited. Doug calls it a real vacation, which I'm sure his grandmother would find insulting. He tells them to go pack, because they're leaving at 8 am the next morning. After a few days of driving, they should be there just in time to see the sunrise over Painted Gorge Falls. He's got the whole day planned out already.

I love lists like this. Without a list of things you plan to do, what are you going to cross off when nothing goes the way you planned? Also, I'm really looking forward to "stargazing with Ranger Bob." Who is this Ranger Bob? I hope he holds Phil's hand while they're stargazing.

The next morning, they pack their luggage on top of the car (Judy's trunk is too heavy for Doug as she has apparently packed nothing but books) and the road trip begins. They immediately start singing "Old McDonald" with too much enthusiasm for anyone anywhere ever. Seriously, fuck that song. Later they are singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" with a lot less enthusiasm and no Judy. Later, while Judy is asleep, Doug and Theda sing "This Old Man" as if they are tired of being tortured by whatever law requires traveling families to sing old repetitive children's songs. Look how defeated Phil is because of these songs.

After "This Old Man," Doug falls asleep while Theda and Phil ride in silence. But soon Doug is awake again and complaining about how boring road trips are. Judy is reading through books so fast you can only assume she's looking forward to running out of things to read so she can join Doug in boredom. Doug asks Phil how much farther they have to drive. After saying they're making good time, he reveals that they have 1500 miles to go. Ridiculous. Why didn't they fly?

Doug starts noticing billboards for a tourist trap called "It." It's 125 miles away. He is fascinated and has a fantasy.

Nope. It's not going to be that good. You will not have to walk into anything but maybe a gas station to get a look at a tourist trap called "It." The fantasy continues to reveal that It is a giant blob monster they initially mistake for a wall.

The blob monster is super friendly.

That would be worth the 125 mile excursion. I guess. I mean...do you get to play a game of rescue Han Solo or is it just the picture?

Doug is excited by his fantasy and begs to see It. Judy calls It a stupid tourist trap and Phil figures the detour would mean they'd miss the sunrise over the falls. Theda says It might be educational and helps convince Phil to head towards It. Why? Maybe she's never taken a road trip and doesn't know shit like It is never educational. Maybe she wants to see It as much as Doug and just knows how to get her way. Either way, It turns out to be a potato.

A recording asks if It is a deadly vampire bat, and then quickly tells you that no, it is just a potato grown by some asshole in some shithole that doesn't matter. "But the resemblance is quite eerie!" What a bunch of shit. At the very least, they should smash the case and burn down the surrounding buildings selling It souvenirs. Instead, Phil crosses a few things off the schedule and they get back on the road.

Everyone is a little pissed. Phil says these man-made tourist traps will never compare to the majesty of nature. Judy calls them lame and slaps Doug on the arm. He says, "can't a guy make a mistake? At least I'll never fall for something like that again." He adjusts his It cap while he's saying this, as if to prove that he's learned absolutely nothing.

Immediately after saying he won't fall for shit like that, he sees a billboard for Bug Ranch, 75 miles away. He immediately has a fantasy.

No, Doug, you don't get to do that until you change your name to Fry and go to Mars.

After the fantasy, he's trying to convince them to go to the bug ranch. Judy says they're not going to go on another one of his inane mystery tours. He reasons that with this one, they at least know what it is. It's a bug ranch. "Tell me, how could it be bad? Huh? How?"

Yep. They went a few hours out of their way, again, to see something that couldn't possibly have been exciting. A bug ranch could only be a place with a lot of bugs, which is literally everywhere on the planet. Everyone is very disappointed. Judy is pissed and calls Doug dimwitted before making a few jokes about the bug ranch. Phil crosses off another item on the itinerary.

Back in the car, Judy is still making jokes and Doug is getting really upset. Theda asks them to stop arguing. Judy asks Doug what their next stop is going to be and he reads a billboard for a place called Blythe Field. Judy yells, "stop," and demands they detour for this field. She says it's the most famous field in all of literature. It's where Blythe composed all of his most famous poems. Phil points out that it's 300 miles out of their way. Judy points out that they saw all the lame shit Doug wanted to see. Theda sees her point and they're off. Doug keeps asking if they're there yet, and Phil keeps crossing things off the list. No more petrified buffalo herd. No more canyon mule ride. Finally, they arrive at the famous Blythe Field.

And there it is. It's just an empty field. She runs out into the field and immediately finds Gloria's Rock. The poet apparently sat there and wrote some poem about Gloria. You know Gloria, right? Doug points out that it's just a big old desert. She completely ignores him and starts pointing out other locations where the poet wrote other poems. No one cares. Phil says they have to go because they've already lost any hope of even spending a whole day at the Painted Gorge. Theda points out that it looks like it's going to rain. Doug calls this field "lame-o central," with the reason that the Bug Ranch at least had t-shirts. I hope that he did not buy one. Anyway, the rain starts and they get in the car and everyone is pissed. After a while, the argument from the beginning of the episode starts happening. Finally, we are going to see the Funnie family killed in a car accident in the middle of nowhere.

Nope. Phil swerves out of the way just in time and comes to a stop on the side of the road. He asks if everyone is okay before trying to pull away, but the car is stuck in the mud. He turns off the car and says, "well, family, that's the end of our trip." I guess they're just going to live there now. He says there was a gas station 10 miles back. He's going to walk there to get someone that can tow them out of the mud. Doug and Judy apologize for their shittiness (finally) and Phil starts walking. Doug gets out of the car and tells him to stay. "Maybe we don't need that tow truck."

Doug counts to two and tells Porkchop to hit it, because of course the dog is behind the wheel of the car, stepping on the gas to do his part to get it out of the mud. After a little struggling, they finally get the car free. After celebrating briefly, the sun starts to rise over the horizon to reveal that they are in fact on the edge of the Painted Gorge. It's beautiful.

Doug says the trip brought his family closer than they had ever been before. Meanwhile, grandma is lonelier than ever.

During the credits, the most amazing version of Pomp and Circumstance ever plays because of Doug Graduates. This version should be used any time this song is played anywhere from now on.

And that's it. Doug's a big fan of the mystery box over the sure thing. At least they didn't tie Porkchop to the back of the car and forget about him. Letting him drive, even if it was just out of a mud hole, was crazy. I can only rationalize the three detours by assuming the entire family is crazy. They were driving more than halfway across the United States to see something they could have flown to in a few hours. The drive would take them days and they took multiple detours that were both unreasonably long and obviously bullshit no sane person would waste their time on. If it was something right off the highway, then sure. Stop and have a laugh. 125 miles out of the way? 300 miles out of the way? Fuck no. The good feeling they experience at the Painted Gorge will be gone about an hour after they start driving back home. By the time they get home, they will hate each other more than ever.

Episode 51, Part 2: Doug Way Out West

This episode begins with a very angry horse cornering Doug. What the hell is going on?

What did Doug do to piss off this horse? As with a lot of Doug's trouble, this one began with Patti. She has a flyer for a dude ranch right outside of town and she's asking everyone to go out there with her on Saturday. Her dad will drive them.

Patti's invitation immediately reminds Doug of his family's annual summer trips to his Uncle Happy's farm where he was allowed to ride their pony Tornado. Tornado is a pretty badass name for a small, pink pony.

You decide which part of this picture is the cutest. Doug says he loved that pony and his parents would sometimes let him sleep outside with the pony, presumably on the nights when they wanted to have undisturbed sex.

So after the memory-fantasy, Doug tells Skeeter he can't wait to get out there. Roger hears him and begins his taunting.

After saying they wouldn't know which end is the front, Roger asks Skeeter if he's ever even seen a horse, except for when he looks in the mirror. Doug quickly shuts him up with some pony jargon and restrains from calling him out on his vitamin deficiency.

After Roger stomps off, people start asking about his experience and he tells them he used to ride Tornado all the time. Everyone quickly jumps on the "Doug was a real cowboy" bandwagon and Doug is immediately in over his head in lies. At first he seems a little anxious about it, but he quickly accepts this new popularity.

So now he's adopted a southern accent and he's making up stories about Tornado. Everyone follows him around all day, listening to stories about rattlesnakes, and the death of Tornado, which is of course why Doug doesn't ride anymore. I hope that story is actually true. I hope that his uncle actually had to put Tornado down, and now he just doesn't want to ride anymore. His stories have impressed everyone, especially Patti. He says even he started believing himself, and that's when we get one of the best fantasies ever. It's Durango Doug.

Durango Doug breaks off a piece of a cactus to comb his hair and brush his teeth. Durango Doug uses a rattlesnake as a belt. The whole fantasy has a great song about how badass Durango Doug is and I wish it was 2 hours long.

So finally the big day has come and Doug has built himself up so much he's sure to make an ass of himself.

Done. Doug is in full fantasy mode right now. The dude ranch dude apparently had them fill out a form detailing their riding expertise. Most people put beginner. Beebe put intermediate. Patti put advanced. Skeeter asks what Doug put down, "expert? Super-expert?" Doug pauses and replies, "other." Everyone replies with "wow" in unison.

The guy starts introducing everyone to the horses they'll be riding. Patti gets Buttercup. Roger is excited when he hears he'll be riding Lightning, but is disappointed when it turns out to be an ass.

Who wouldn't be pissed here? Presumably Roger paid to ride a horse. He should not be charged horse prices if he's riding a donkey. That's a total rip-off. If I was Roger, I'd definitely report Buck's Dude Ranch to the Better Business Bureau.

Anyway, Al and Moo get introduced to their twin horses Romulus and Remus, and finally the rancher gets to Doug. Doug will be riding Sugar. Sugar is the black horse from the beginning that was chasing Doug. Doug's tough cowboy persona fades away immediately at the sight of the horse, and he has another Durango Doug fantasy. This time Durango Doug is a coward.

He jumps at every sound and the song is about what a coward he is and I still want it to be 2 hours long.

After the fantasy, Sugar is jumping around uncontrollably and Doug asks if maybe he's a little wild. The guy says Sugar's a sweetheart if you know how to handle him, and a rider of Doug's expertise should have no problem. Doug asks why he's named Sugar, and the guy pulls out a sugar cube and the stupid horse stops acting crazy long enough to eat it and make a cute face. The guy gives Doug another sugar cube and leaves to help the others. Patti butts in to say that Sugar looks fun.

Doug says Sugar is a killer. He realizes he's showing a bit and tries to break back into his cowboy character to say the horse looks a little rough. A badass wouldn't say a horse was a killer. Patti calls Sugar a big sweetie and walks back over to Buttercup. Doug thinks that he can't back down now. "That horse would probably murder me, but I couldn't let Patti see me chicken out." This is crazy reasoning. Didn't Doug watch the Back to the Future movies?

Patti asks him if he's coming but he tells them to go ahead. He's going to head out alone on Sugar.

Skeeter's horse matches his skin color. Al and Moo's horses match their skin color. Roger is riding a jackass. Doug sees things how he wants to see them.

Doug finally feeds the sugar cube to Sugar and climbs on his back. He starts to tell the horse to take it nice and easy, but with the horse being a horse, it doesn't understand English and starts running at top speed. Meanwhile Roger is finally the first person to say something about all of Doug's talk. As Patti starts defending him, he jumps Sugar over a fence and rides past them, leaving them in a trail of dust.

It's all an accident of course. As with most, or all, instances of horseback riding in comedic television shows or movies, there is unfortunately a low hanging tree branch sticking out into the well worn trail. What's wrong with these ranchers? They know how to take care of horses, but cutting a dangerous branch out of the way on your main trail is just too complicated. Anyway Doug hits the branch and Sugar runs away. Doug hides in the bushes while the other kids slowly trot by, easily ducking under the branch, or in Roger's case, slightly nodding under the branch.

Doug determines to get back to the ranch before everyone else so they don't find out he's a shitty rider. He finally finds Sugar, eating garbage from the most curiously placed dumpster ever.

Doug starts pulling on the reins but the horse won't budge. The garbage is too delicious. Doug shuts the dumpster but that only serves to piss off Sugar. Doug relents and opens it again. He then determines to drag the dumpster back to the ranch.

It would probably be easier to pull out whatever Sugar is eating and leading him with that instead of the entire dumpster, but what do I know? I hate horses.

While Doug is pulling the dumpster, Patti wanders by. Doug hides in the dumpster for some reason. Doug's absense makes Patti worry.

If Doug isn't on his horse, he must be hurt. She starts yelling out for him. The best thing she says is, "are you conscious?" A perfectly logical question. She shouts down into the gorge, hoping Doug didn't fall. Finally he reveals himself.

He also tells her the whole truth. He only ever rode a little pony and everything else was made up. Naturally she's pissed. She points out that he could hurt himself riding a horse like Sugar when he doesn't know how. He apologizes and starts to walk back, but she says she's not done with him yet. She's climbed onto Sugar and demands that he get on behind her.

He climbs up and is happy to hold onto her waist while she explains the basics of horseback riding to him. They ride off to meet with the group and we never get to hear what Roger has to say about Doug's bullshit.

Doug is quite crazy in this episode. His friends buy his exaggerated bullshit until he starts living out his fantasy as Durango Doug. He changes his whole demeanor and adopts an accent to live out this fantasy. He puts himself in danger to live out this fantasy. It's one of the most dangerous things his delusions have made him do.

Episode 51, Part 1: Doug Throws a Party

Big things are happening at the Funnie house. They've added spotlights and two massive signs that say, "Doug's." There's also a red carpet with a bunch of screaming people excited for Doug's first party.

Of course, this is all just a fantasy. Doug says he knows exactly how he wants his first party to go. In the fantasy, there's a woman with a microphone on the red carpet doing typical red carpet bullshit. When Patti arrives, she signs autographs before the microphone woman starts asking her questions. She asks Patti about her "on-again-off-again courtship" with "Dougie D." She asks if tonight might be the night we'll see something definite. Patti says she hopes so. The fantasy ends and what we've learned is that Doug secretly wants to be called Dougie D. Here he is putting the final touches of his outfit for the party.

Nice. He starts walking downstairs, excited and thinking about how this party is going to be the coolest, hippest party ever. His parents have other plans.

They apparently don't even know how old their son is. I don't know how this happened. Did Doug just ask for a party and they said sure and offered to take care of everything and so Doug just assumed they wouldn't assume he was still 6 and they'd just decorate the house a little and make themselves scarce? How did it get to the day of the party before Doug noticed his parents were going to be shitheads about this? Doug is a little horrified at first, but apparently makes no effort to stop them. Everything is decorated with Uncle Grunty crap, mostly just balloons and tablecloths.

Once everyone has arrived, the party bores them. They're all sitting around sighing and saying nothing. Phil is walking around a group of them singing "the cheese stands alone," because he's not a professional clown, so he doesn't know what clowns actually do. He just knows they're creepy and no one really likes them. Theda is helping other kids play pin the tail on the donkey in the driveway. She's doing a really shitty job though, because one blindfolded kid is wandering around inside. That kid sucks though too (obviously) so I'm not going to completely blame her for that.

Inside, Doug asks Skeeter to help him save the party. Skeeter offers to play the new Beets cd he just bought. It's convenient that he brought it with him, but puzzling as to why he didn't ask to play it before. Doug says he's just glad Patti couldn't make it right before the doorbell rings. It's Patti and Connie. Connie is wearing a ridiculous hat to cover up a bad haircut and Patti is here because her practice was cancelled. For some reason, Doug unenthusiastically offers them shitty party hats to wear. No one else is wearing the hats. The hats are part of this shitty party his parents are throwing for some 6 year old kid and there's no reason he should let that get in the way of the party he's throwing. Finally Skeeter puts on the cd.

Unfortunately it's the wrong cd. The song starts and it's clearly a small child's cd, not the new Beets. The song is that "this is the way we ___________" standard, and it's about how to properly blow your nose. Skeeter is embarrassed and says his brother must be messing with his cds. He probably should have noticed this at some point before he put the cd in the player, but he just doesn't pay attention to detail sometimes. Roger starts to mock Doug's party and suggests they play Truth or Dare.

Connie says she's not allowed to play Truth or Dare. Everyone that wants to play goes down to the basement. Roger makes them draw straws and tells everyone the rules. Hopefully someone gets to dare Roger to take some vitamin D for the rest of his life so his rickets doesn't get worse.

Willie gets the shortest straw so he gets to ask someone truth or dare first. He picks Larry and Larry picks truth. He asks if Larry has ever watched a film strip in the A/V room without permission. Roger gets pissed and says the game is no good if you play it like a bunch of preschoolers. He tells Willie to ask Larry who he has a crush on. Larry looks around the room, which makes all the girls nervous, and then says Beebe. Beebe screams and Larry passes out. Roger wakes him up with punch and tells him it's his turn. He picks Skeeter and Skeeter picks dare. He dares Skeeter to stand on his head in front of everyone. Everyone is disappointed by how boring that is and Roger makes Larry add that Skeeter has to do it in his underwear.

Only Roger and Willie are amused, and they are perhaps too amused. Skeeter asks Patti truth or dare and Doug has a ridiculous fantasy.

Roger is the host of this Blind Date type of show and he just asks Patti to tell the truth about how their first date went. She's pissed because he took her to a terrible movie, tried to hold her hand, and wanted to kiss her and it made her want to puke. After this fantasy, Patti picks dare. Skeeter says, "I dare you to..." and Roger adds "kiss." Doug has another fantasy. In this nightmare, Skeeter dares her to kiss Doug on the lips and Patti is horrified.

She runs from the basement screaming. After the fantasy, Skeeter dares her to kiss Porkchop.

Patti kisses Porkchop and Roger calls the dare lame. Patti picks Roger and Roger picks dare. She dares him to say something nice about Doug. Willie thinks this is the funniest dare ever. Roger has the hardest time saying something nice about Doug. It takes a few tries but he finally says, "Funnie's a really nice guy." It almost kills him.

So now it's Roger's turn and of course he picks Doug. Doug doesn't know if he should pick truth or dare. He has a fantasy about truth.

Dr. Klotz has Doug strapped down and a magical truth ray pointed at him. When he turns it on, Doug starts involuntarily blabbing on and on about how much he loves Patti. It's really creepy and includes "I love every blade of grass she ever walked on." Everyone is laughing but Patti begs Dr. Klotz to stop it. It's just so unbearable. After this fantasy, there's another fantasy where Doug picks dare and is dared to kiss Patti.

She's not horrified or anything. They are teleported to the beach.

This convinces Doug he needs to pick dare. Roger dares him to go upstairs to take Connie's stupid hat so everyone can see her new haircut. Doug is hesitant, but everyone goes upstairs to see the big reveal.

He walks over to Connie and can't do it. He goes back to Roger and says he won't do it. Roger calls him a baby, but Patti says it was the most grown-up thing anyone has done all night.

Success. Patti said it was sweet not to do it, and Connie asks, "sweet not to do what?" Roger says, "this," and yanks her stupid hat off. He's the only one laughing, and that stops when Connie punches him in the stomach.

Well done. She takes her hat back and asks everyone what they're staring at. She shouts, "let's party," everyone laughs, and everyone parties.

Doug and Patti are dancing together and it's pretty amusing. Connie put her hat back on, which is more embarrassing than the haircut, so I don't know what she's thinking. She could pull off much better hats. Those hats are for douchebags, and should not be worn unless you want to be embarrassed, not to avoid being embarrassed. Roger is outside nursing his stomach on the front porch.

Doug is only mildly crazy here. His fantasies are just weird. In a game of truth or dare, why does he imagine the truth is played out on a tv show, or through the use of some machine that makes you tell the truth? He has two fantasies where a dare is made that would result in him kissing Patti. When she is dared to kiss him, she's horrified and runs screaming from the room. When he is dared to kiss her, she is accepting and they end up on a deserted beach. There's something weird about that, but I'm not sure what. And to Doug, the truth is always horrible. Patti will either have to tell the truth about how much she hates Doug, or Doug will have to tell the truth about how much he loves her, which will result in her hating him. This is a problem he will struggle with for a long time, and it will contribute greatly to his anxiety disorder.

Finally, look at this picture the Funnie family has on the wall above the stairs.

Just...look at it.