Doug Funnie is Crazy: Episode 21: Doug's Big Panic

"Dear Journal,
Ever since I've known Patti we've done a zillion cool things together, but this week I was going for the big one."

Apparently the big one is kissing. Doug is planning to kiss her. Here he is practicing with a sandwich in his room.

Doug says it's no good, and Skeeter suggests pulling the bologna out a little more. Because it's not weird enough for Doug to pretend Patti is a bologna sandwich, he has to have his best friend there watching and giving suggestions. Skeeter pulls a balloon out of his backpack and suggests practicing on the balloon.

So, Skeeter has been working on a secret project for weeks. In the cafeteria, Guy approaches him and asks him how the project is going. Skeeter writes "the end" on the last page and hands it to Guy.

Guy flips through the book pretty quick then stands on the table and calls for everyone's attention.

"I just want everyone to know I'm holding in my hand a brand new show I just finished. Auditions are Friday. It's gonna be killer!"

Everyone approaches Skeeter to ask him about the show. Everyone seems excited and no one seems annoyed that Guy is a fucking credit stealing scumbag.

Skeeter explains that it started when Guy saw a big musical.

He couldn't sleep. He wanted to do a show of his own.

Once he finally got an idea, he made up t-shirts, posters, and keychains.

Getting all the important shit out of the way, he needed a show. He asked the librarian for a student that read a lot. She pointed out Skeeter.

He approached Skeeter to write the show. Skeeter asks what it's about, so Guy shows him the shirt he made.

It's a musical about the Mona Lisa. They leave the library with Guy talking about how the show has to be big. Later, Skeeter says to Doug, "I can't figure out how to make a painting into a big Broadway musical!"

Doug sees Porkchop reading, as dogs often do, and gets an idea.

So yeah, not a bad idea. Just steal the plot of fairy tales and plug in Mona Lisa and Leonardo da Vinci. For whatever reason, Skeeter pitched this idea to Guy with a hand puppet show.

The story he ripped of is Cinderella, except Skeeter says she leaves behind a glass flipper because he says, although you can't see it in the painting, she's wearing a wet suit and flippers. After this, Guy has to secure funds to pay for the show, which means Roger for some reason.

He half asses the hand puppet pitch, but it's not like Roger cares. He just wants to know what's in it for him. Guy says his name will be on all the posters, but Roger has a better idea. Guy calls Skeeter to pitch some story changes.

"How about this? Leonardo's chasing after Mona Lisa, right? He gets on a ship, right? And on the ship there's a sea captain."

"Don't forget the peg leg!"

Guy continues pitching story for the sea captain. He's chasing a big white whale that chopped off the sea captain's leg. Skeeter says, "I know where you're going. The whale's named Moby Dick, right?" Guy wants to call the whale Free Wally. See below, where everyone is smiling and not groaning at this horrible story Skeeter is relaying to them...

Skeeter tells them he just finished the script, as long as Guy doesn't make anymore changes. On cue, Guy returns to tell him to include a wooden boy who lies. Actually, I'm going to quote him because he's a fucking dipshit ass, and the dumb things he says need to be documented: "Valentino! Just struck with genius! One word: wooden boy who lies! See what you can do!" He then points out Patti, hoots, and says she'd be good as Mona Lisa.

After Guy dismisses himself, Connie asks Skeeter how the story ends. Skeeter says Leonardo finds her under a magic spell and must kiss her to wake her.

Doug has the first of many similar fantasies. As Leonardo, he approaches the sleeping Patti/Mona Lisa, and says, "I shall wake her." He leans in to kiss her.

She springs up before he gets close and asks, "what's going on?"

After the fantasy, Patti walks up and asks what's going on, prompting Doug to say, "I'm gonna get that part if it kills me."

Doug has a lot of fantasies in this episode. Here's one of a musical number from the show.

While singing, Doug loses his balance and paints a green mustache onto Patti.

His fall somehow demolishes the entire set.

Concerned that he would fuck up, he asks Judy for help. He needs to nail the audition, and then not shit the bed on opening night, so it makes sense. If she only has one use, this is it.

She immediately agrees to help him. Apparently she's choreographing the damn thing, and doesn't want him to blow it because she thinks it will make him look bad. She starts to suggest one of the crappy roles when he says he wants to be Leonardo. She laughs and suggests he be one of the sailors instead, maybe with a peg leg so he doesn't have to dance. Ignoring her, he retreats downstairs to practice singing with the piano, but he sucks.

She tells him he's going to need to sing louder, but he gives it up. He resigns himself to a crappy role and exits. On the front porch, Judy apologizes for what she said. She asks, "what's worse: making a fool of yourself in front of everybody or giving up without trying?"

Doug doesn't immediately answer the question. He's apparently too slow to realize she's agreeing to help him practice for the lead.

So, being a decent sibling, she actually helps him. They practice a lot.

I include this screenshot because GODDAMMIT DON'T STAND ON THE FUCKING GLASS FURNITURE!

At the audition, Skunky tries out for the whale by spitting water. Doug is inhaling potato chips and Patti asks if he's nervous. He tries to play it cool but immediately notices his script is missing and thinks he might have eaten it. Totally normal reaction. Patti's audition goes alright.

Doug admits that she doesn't have the best singing voice, but admires her for giving her all. Guy overacts his planned reaction to give her the part. Guy sucks. Willie, Ned, and Boomer introduce themselves and say they're going to sing the sailors' song and everyone react negatively.

Of course, we know Ned can jam on the piano, but they're amazing. Well rehearsed, good singers. I'm glad they get to shove it in everyone's faces.

Even though it was part of the agreement to finance the damned thing, Roger still has to get on stage to "audition" for his part as the sea captain. He just says, "if you think I'm singing, you're nuts," before walking off stage. There was no point to this.

The only other person auditioning for the role of Leonardo is Fentruck.

Doug finally gets his chance, and he does well. All the practicing with Judy pays off.

A few days later, Doug sees Fentruck walking funny and asks if he's okay. Fentrucks says he's practicing for the play. Worried, Doug asks what part he got and Fentruck says he's playing Happy Limping Sailor Number Four.

Doug reassures him that Sailor Number Four is just as important to the show as Sailor Number Three, then rushes home to celebrate.

Doug jumps onto the couch but he is so happy he can't sit still. He leaps up, bangs on the piano, and slides to his knees saying...

"Kiss me, Mona!"

Then Theda tells him there's a message for him on the answering machine about some play. He says, "I know," then plays the message.

"Doug! This is Guy! Better take a seat, song and dance man! You're in my show! You're my Happy Sailor Number Five!" Doug can't believe it. He replays the message.

At the first rehearsal, Doug finally finds out who will be playing Leonardo. Guy says, "it was a hard decision, and after a lot of thinking I decided the best person to play Leonardo is..."

"ME! HAHA!"

Doug becomes increasingly annoyed by this situation. While rehearsing his part, he's completely distracted by Guy making Patti laugh backstage.

This immediately triggers a fantasy where Doug busts into Guy's dressing room and quits.

"I'm outta here! You can just do your show without Happy Sailor Number Five! I never wanted to be in it anyway! And you know what? This show is the lamest thing I've ever seen! I wouldn't be in it if you fell on your hands and knees and begged me!

"No, Doug! Please! You're right! Be Leonardo."

The fantasy ends with them practicing the kissing scene, with Patti doing a terrible job of being in a magical coma.

After the fantasy, Doug is in his room. Theda enters to tell him he has a phone call. She's been trying to get his attention, but couldn't break through the fantasy.

Patti says she's glad they're both in the play and suggests they get together to practice sometime. This is enough to make Doug happy.

While the five happy sailors are practicing their big song, Guy has another idea. You can see how much enthusiasm Skeeter has left for Guy's shitty ideas.

Guy says they need something really big at the end of the first act. Skeeter points out they've already got the battle with Free Wally and the ship sinking. Guy wants something bigger. He wants the Civil War. Yes. In a play about Leonardo da Vinci painting the Mona Lisa, after largely stealing from fairy tales, Herman Melville, and Carlo Collodi, Guy now wants to shoehorn the American Civil War into this shitty mess. Why is anyone entertaining this fucking asshole with his shitty ideas? Anyway, Skeeter gets to work.

After rehearsal, Patti asks Doug if he'd like to get together to practice that night. She says Guy is too busy.

So, Doug reads Leonardo's lines and helps her remember her lines. After a little over two hours, they've worked their way through all the parts she's having trouble remembering. He asks if she needs help practicing the end and she says she's practiced that enough with Guy. He asks, "what's it going to be like kis...doing that last scene in front of everyone?"

She replies, "I'm pretty nervous. But Guy says, 'the only way to get over butterflies is to practice, and practice, and Doug why are you twisting your script up like that?"

In another fantasy, Doug quits.

Guy just smiles at him. Doug asks why. Guy laughs and says, "come on, Doug. You're not quitting. This is just another one of your little fantasies."

"Oh yeah, well...just wait!"

No one in his life is actually mocking him this time so his fantasies are mocking themselves. This is new and I don't know how to categorize it. Roger's too busy to mock him. Judy is helping him. Patti has invited him over and they had a good time, at least until she said things that revealed what a shitty creep Guy is.

Doug marches into the auditorium on opening day, ready to quit. Judy approaches him, gives him some last minute tips, and is generally very encouraging.

Doug has a brief conversation with Fentruck and realizes he can't quit. He'd be letting everybody down.

After Doug resigns himself to playing his minor part, everyone finds out that Guy is sick.

According to her, "he's exhausted himself and caught some spots." At the suggestion that the show has to be cancelled, Patti steps up. She recites one of her lines and Doug responds with the correct Leonardo line.

At the revelation that he knows all the lines, Judy gives him a pep talk to encourage him in the role. Given that it's the role he wanted in the beginning, and that Judy is encouraging him rather than dumping on him as usual, you'd expect his reaction to be something better than this.

Doug says act one went okay. Patti remembered all her lines. Doug only made one mistake, saying "oh, how I will kiss her" instead of "miss her."

I include the following screenshots because where else are you going to get Leonardo da Vinci shaking hands with Captain Ahab?

Or Leonardo da Vinci at the American Civil War Laser Show?

During the intermission, Doug has a fantasy about finally kissing Patti. She is offended by his breath and breaks character.

On the other hand, maybe Sleeping Beauty would be less creepy if bad breath woke her up instead of sexual assault?

Anyway, Doug brushes his teeth.

Judy tells him she's so proud of him. She says he's doing great. Then Connie interrupts to make a terrible announcement.

Now Patti is sick. Guy must have given whatever he had to her. Connie says they'll have to stop the show and refund everyone's money. Someone else has a different idea.

So Doug doesn't get to kiss Patti and instead gets to kiss his sister. After the show, Doug finds some flowers and a note in his dressing room.

It makes you wonder if Doug had anything like this planned for Patti. Did she already have the flowers or did she have them delivered while everyone else was finishing the show? Of course he didn't. He can't admit that he's in love with her, and letting her know how he feels would be the worst. Sure, here's proof that she was apparently sort of looking forward to doing the kissing scene with him, but this episode ends on a fantasy of what he imagines the scene would have been like. As with all previous fantasies of this scene, Doug is unsuccessful.