Episode 9: Doug's Big Comeback

This episodes begins at a bowling alley.

Doug is playing the best game of his life so far, and Skeeter is playing very poorly, but he's excited about it so it must be good for him. Roger and his goons enter and Roger makes two simple jokes about Doug. Doug is so bothered by Roger's insult about his head looking like a bowling ball that he throws a ball that is not only a gutterball, but it apparently skips across 12 lanes. The game is ruined.

At home, Doug entertains the family with complaints about Roger. Judy mocks his shitty bowling as if it was some sort of sad clown slap stick performance art. Theda gets upset and says she would tell that Roger Klotz, "I'm rubber and you're glue! What you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

Doug takes her idea to Skeeter, who asks if he thinks that will actually work. Doug says it's kind of old, so Skeeter suggests changing it to electromagnet, instead of glue. I guess comebacks that have never worked are just as ineffective if you change one of the words.

Inside Mr. Swirly's, they sit down with Chalky, who is making out plays on a baseball diamond. He asks if they are coming to the game and Skeeter has to remind him that he's on the team. He just doesn't get to play. Honestly, this is the start of this episodes B story line and it would be easier for me to get it out of the way now. So basically, Chalky is an asshole. There, now...Roger and his gang enter Mr. Swirly's.

Roger quickly insults Skeeter, then Chalky, then Doug. Patti sits down and Roger insults Doug again.

Doug tries to use Theda's comeback with Skeeter's modification, but he fucks it all up and Roger insults him for it, calling his comebacks as lame as his bowling. To be fair, he might have said the same thing even if Doug had managed to say, "I'm rubber and you're an electromagnet."

At school the next day, Doug has to give an oral book report. He can't even say the name of the book before Roger insults him twice while the goons laugh excessively. Doug gets so bothered, he accidentally knocks a bunch of stuff off the teacher's desk and stomps back to his desk with his foot stuck in the trash can.

Doug has his problems, but his teacher is fucking useless. Make Roger shut up and make Doug do his book report. What's Doug's grade going to be now? Does he just get a pass because Roger interrupted him twice, or does he fail because he didn't even say what book he read before he gave up? Middle school kids are assholes.

After another win for the baseball team, Patti gets mad at Chalky and storms off. Roger insults her, then Doug, then Chalky. Doug tells him to cut it out. He replies, “well, I'd sure never let a girl talk to me like that!”

To which Doug replies, “I've never even seen a girl talk to you at all, Roger.”

The goons laugh and Roger walks off without a word. The goons join Doug and compliment him on his excellent joke, because they are not reliable friends.

Doug then imagines himself as a new superhero named Funnyman. He defends the insulted!

The fantasy is the usual fare. Roger insults Patti. Doug as Funnyman jumps in to defend her by insulting Roger. Patti is impressed. Delusions of grandeur and all that...

At the start of school the next day, Roger insults Skeeter's clothes. Doug quickly turns the insult back onto Roger. The goons anticipate a fantastic retaliation, and are shocked when Roger does not offer one.

They quickly have a brief discussion and decide to sit with Doug.

Throughout the day, Doug makes jokes that make them laugh a little less each time. First he insults the cafeteria food.

Then he insults the teacher's lounge and the school colors. The goons ask him why he's not funny anymore and he has a fantasy where he's a flopping stand-up comic.

After the fantasy, Doug is trying out new insults on Porkchop. He says, “if brains were pennies, you wouldn't have any cents.”

Porkchop gives an exaggerated laugh and Doug asks if he's humoring him. Porkchop shrugs.

Out the window, Phil and Mr. Dink are talking about Mrs. Dink being so busy since becoming the mayor that no one gets to see her anymore. Mr. Dink makes the joke “I'm so miserable without her, it's almost like having her here.” They both laugh and Doug gets an idea. He'll ask Mr. Dink for advice. Mr. Dink introduces him to the insult comic Rick Nickles. He loans Doug some super 8 reels and a projector, because for no apparent reason that's the only way Mr. Dink could share the timeless comedy of Rick Nickles.

Watching the films in his bedroom, Doug quickly fantasizes that he is Rick Nickles.

It doesn't take long. A few jokes, really. After the fantasy, he makes Porkchop feel bad with jokes about his weight.

At the next baseball game, Chalky continues being an asshole. Roger has a new gang, and the goons are jealous. Doug makes a couple of jokes at Skeeter about being a bench warmer. Roger's new gang laughs the most.

At school, Doug keeps interrupting the teacher with insults until she dismisses the class because she's about to cry.

The goons, happy about what Doug just did, point out that even Roger never made the teacher cry. Finally, Doug feels bad.

“It was strange. I had everything I wanted. So how come I wasn't happy about it?”

The goons come over and Theda tries to give them cake. He makes fat jokes about her and they get no cake.

At the bowling alley, the goons are again impressed by Doug's ability to insult someone that even Roger wouldn't go after, like his mom.

Meanwhile, Patti is bowling with Connie and Beebe.

Patti rolls a strike and starts jumping up and down, shouting “I WON!” It really is quite an excessive celebration for a friendly game against Connie and Beebe. One of the goons tells Doug to get her. He hesitates, but makes a couple of jokes anyway. Patti gets upset and leaves. Doug feels bad again. He tells the goons to shut up and they leave with a brief discussion about the psychological impact his insults have on others.

Later, while watching Chalky play a baseball game by himself because he alienated the entire team, Doug has a fantasy about what kind of old man he'll be. Basically, he's a cranky dickhead that sprays water on kids that try to retrieve their toys when they land in his yard.

At home, Doug realizes what a jackass he's become and worries that Patti will never speak to him again. Doug is looking at the full moon out his bedroom window when it turns into Patti.

Doug takes the films and projector back to Mr. Dink immediately. The next morning he is apologizing to his mom while imagining everyone he's insulted in little clouds around his head.

Theda and Skeeter are quick and happy to accept his apology. He's not really worried about them anyway. He's really only worried about Patti.

Before he gets to Patti though, he has to deal with his Roger problem. Outside of Mr. Swirly's, Roger pulls up in a limousine and suggests Skeeter wear one of those “I'm with stupid” shirts if he's going to hang out with Doug. Doug imagines Rick Nickles in a cloud making a joke he could use against Roger when he decides it's not worth it. He says, “oooh, yeah?” and walks into the restaurant. The goons rejoin Roger.

Big surprise, Doug apologizes to Patti, she readily accepts the apology and they start joking about what an ass he was. Then they agree they're still friends.

There's some wrap-up with the Chalky plot as the team loses the championship game. It doesn't matter.

I'm sure I don't know why Doug became an asshole here. He only wanted to make Roger shut up. It's upsetting how quickly his goal shifted from that to “steal and retain Roger's friends and also be hilarious all the time.” Why would he ever need their approval at all, let alone enough to insult his best friends? They are nobodies. Shitty yes-men with no sense of loyalty or decency. They are assholes, actively encouraging Doug to be shitty. It makes me wonder if Roger would be a better person if they didn't hang around him, making it so that no one likes him but them so he'll stick around and entertain them. I've always maintained that Roger really just wants to be friends with Doug but doesn't know how. What if it's always been the goons' fault?