Episode 34, Part 1: Doug's Cartoon

This is the most recent edition of the school's weekly newspaper, The Honker. Later, you'll have to assume that Mr. Bone didn't pose for this picture. One of the students just took this picture of him mesmerized by this piece of meat.

So Doug's problems in this episode are centered around this edition of the newspaper, and it began last Thursday when the cafeteria served "magic meat" for the third time that week. 3 out of 4 days, this school serves the children the same thing. If you've ever had any doubt that Bluffington is somewhere in the U.S.A., remove it.

After lunch, Doug is doodling in the library when Chalky walks up and is a rude dick. He walks up without saying anything and grabs the paper Doug is drawing on.

He loves it.

Admittedly, it is pretty good. I'd build a Magic Empire Meat Building.

Doug mentions that Chalky is in charge of the school newspaper, which is great because otherwise it's really weird that he just walks up, grabs Doug's cartoon, chuckles and says "hey, this is great" before he walks off with the cartoon. Without knowing he runs the school newspaper, you'd think Chalky was just some sort of weird kleptomaniac that likes to see if people will say anything if he takes whatever they are working on.
On Wednesday, everyone in class has the paper. All of them are laughing about the cartoon. Of course, not everyone is happy.

Mr. Bone storms in with the two janitor/security guard guys, and they confiscate all the papers. Mr. Bone hates free speech.

After the title screen, we see the outside of the Funnie house at night as a ball of white light flies down from space. It enters Doug's bedroom window as he's wishing he'd never drawn the cartoon.

What the fuck is going on?

Mr. Dink steps out and says he's just trying out his new time machine. Doug points out that there is no such thing. Mr. Dink says it won't be available for 20 years. Then he asks Doug if there's anywhere he would like to go, and they get in and take off. Now, with the endless possibilities available to him, where do you think he went?

Of course! Just go back in time and rip up the cartoon! Chalky will never think to ask past-Doug to just draw it again, that is if they survived the paradox Doug just fucked the universe with.

And so this fantasy fades out and Doug is actually still at school, and Mr. Bone is still yelling at the class. It's hard to wrap your head around how crazy this fantasy is, but at least he says he knows time travel is impossible, and he gives up this line of thinking.

Mr. Bone's ranting ends wonderfully.

Mr. Bone: "If our Principal, Mr. Buttsavitch, came back from vacation and saw this, he'd have both our hides!"
Patti: "But don't we have a right to our opinions, Mr. Bone?
Mr. Bone: "Of course not! What are you teaching these kids? Why if everybody said whatever they thought, why...everything'd be all higgldy piggldy!"

Doug and Skeeter walk out of the room together, while Doug talks about how the cartoon backfired and he's going to keep his opinions to himself from now on. He didn't notice the flier that Skeeter was holding. Or the flier that he was holding himself.

Doug has a crazy moment here. He sees the flier in Skeeter's hand and tells him to put it away, then notices the one in his own hand and asks where it came from, then asks where Skeeter's came from. Skeeter points out that Al and Moo are handing them out. This is something Doug would've noticed were he not crazy, as Al and Moo were standing outside their classroom handing them out.

Doug sees Mr. Bone coming down the hall and quickly runs around to everyone, collecting the fliers before they get noticed and he gets in more trouble. Mr. Bone confronts him anyway, because of course he saw what was going on.

After Mr. Bone leaves, Al (or Moo) asks Doug if he wants to join their club. It's call the Doug Funnie Freedom of the Press Society. Moo (or Al) explains that they are going to give Mr. Bone an ultimatum.

"Either he gives the newspaper back, or you handcuff yourself to his desk."
"Or you jump off the cafeteria roof."

Seriously. Think it over, Doug.

Doug tells them to stop with the fliers, the club, and just forget the whole thing.

At lunch, Patti is still complaining about the fact that Mr. Bone took the newspaper away because of one little cartoon. Doug suggests that he just apologize to Mr. Bone, and maybe then he'll give the paper back. Chalky, after failing to cut the magic meat, points out that Doug was right. Patti decides they have to do something and calls an emergency session of the student council this afternoon. Meanwhile, the other students have found another way to protest.

That's a pile of magic meat, surrounded by a bunch of students that will be going back to class hungry.

The students start chanting "NO MORE MAGIC MEAT" then pick up Doug and put him on the table, as if he's going to give a great, inspiring speech about magic meat. The lunch-lady intervenes, asking whose idea this was. Everyone points to Doug, and he gets sent to the guidance counselor.

As usual, Mr. Shellacky is useless. Half of what Mr. Shellacky says is actually spoken to the magic meat. He actually makes Doug say, "I don't hate you" to the magic meat, then asks him to hug the meat. There's a lazy pedophile joke here somewhere.

Before the meeting is over, it is interrupted by a crowd of people outside chanting, "Free Doug Funnie!"

Dammit, Judy! It's her political science class. When they heard Doug was being brutally oppressed, they made up some signs and rushed at the opportunity to make a difference in the world of middle school newspaper publishing!

Mr. Bone and Judy have a great shouting match using megaphones less than 10 feet away from each other. Brilliant individuals.

Finally Mr. Bone decides to actually meet with Doug. As soon as he closes the door to his office, he starts begging.

Mr. Bone will make a deal if Doug will call off his dogs. Doug is relieved.

Patti is trying to start the emergency student counsel meeting when Doug and Mr. Bone enter and have an announcement. Doug says Mr. Bone will allow them to have the newspaper back, just as long as they don't make fun of the school.
Al and Moo ask, "why not?"

"Well...because if we just said whatever we thought, why...everything would be higgldy piggldy."

Doug immediately wonders where he'd heard that before and starts thinking.

Oh, shit. He's become like Mr. Bone!

As Doug is wondering what he's turned into, Mr. Bone announces that Doug is going to prove he didn't mean what he said by taking a big bite of magic meat. Doug refuses. He held up his side of the deal by apologizing. Then he adds that if they can't say what they think, then maybe Mr. Bone should just take the paper away anyway. Finally Doug has decided to stop trying to be neutral on the whole thing. Mr. Bone gets all angry and before his ranting gets good, he has to take a call from Principal Buttsavitch.

Mr. Buttsavitch has apparently seen the cartoon and thought it was great. Mr. Bone tells Doug that he just saved him by telling Mr. Buttsavitch to like the cartoon.

In the end, Mr. Buttsavitch had magic meat removed from the menu. Because of Doug's cartoon. The students were allowed to print the school newspaper again, and all was well. Magic meat was replaced by something Mr. Shellacky apparently thought up.

Happy meat. Just try and hate it.

I hate to keep going back to this excuse, but I feel like Doug is making most, or all, of this up. This episode is all about how literally everyone else around Doug is crazy. Doug's not crazy. He just wanted to draw. Everyone else just obsessed over something that didn't matter, even people that don't even go to that school! Doug tried to get them to shut up about it so he could just apologize and it would be over, but they kept pushing. The school kept pushing back. Everyone keeps pushing until Doug really does become the hero of the school. The newspaper is back, and the magic meat is gone! Hooray for Doug!

I also feel I have to say something about Principal Buttsavitch. What a shitty job this guy is doing. Mr. Bone and Mr. Shellacky are proof enough that his judgment of character is flawed. Mr. Bone should not have any authority over anyone, and Mr. Shellacky shouldn't be around children at all. On top of that, Mr. Buttsavitch took a vacation during the school year. This is a guy who just doesn't give a shit about his job.