Episode 13, Part 1; Doug's Fair Lady

Another imaginary tv show is ready to humiliate Doug. This one is "Your Saturday Nite!" Patti is playing.

The game is simple. She must choose between three doors. 1. Write a paper with Ms. Wingo for extra credit. 2. Shampoo her hair. 3. Go to the Tri-County fair with Doug.
"Hi, Patti. I'm nice. I've got a great dog. I can eat a ton of cotton candy without getting sick."

"BOOOOO," says the audience. In Doug's mind, this is a really tough choice for Patti to make.
"Since moving to Bluffington, I've been through some rough times, but the roughest was wondering if the first date of my life would be with Patti Mayonnaise." And we're off to a bad start.

The episode actually begins with Doug and Skeeter coming out of school and seeing the idiot janitors putting up this sign.

They gaze in awe as Doug's #1 distraction walks up and talks about going to the fair.

Doug is dumbstruck. It takes Skeeter several seconds to wake him from this debilitating obsession.

Once Skeeter realizes that Doug was creepily leering at Patti, he says he should ask her to go to the fair with him and suggests they ride the ferris wheel together. This time we get to see what Doug is thinking about. It's a little weird for an 11 year old kid.

Every little thing Doug does or says makes him worry about whether Patti will react negatively. Here he automatically assume she will love his singing and banjo playing. Later, Doug doesn't even take his banjo with him. He fantasizes about this happening, but then doesn't even attempt to fulfill it.

At home, Skeeter convinces Doug to make the call to ask her. He reassures Doug by saying they'll make it a group thing with Beebe, Porkchop and himself.

Doug's first fantasy about this call is, of course, negative.

Patti is surrounded by crazy looking men and when she answers the phone, she can't remember who Doug is and makes reference to having many boyfriends. This fantasy causes him to slam the phone down and shout that he can't do it. And why not? Isn't it perfectly reasonable to assume that the 11 year old tomboy goes home (which is apparently a hotel bar or jazz lounge or something) and becomes a feminine object with many boyfriends and suitors pining for her affection? Surely this must be happening!

Skeeter sees some stupid decoration on the wall and it gives him an idea. He tells Doug that maybe she'll see him as her knight in shining armor.

1. This fantasy does not apply. Patti doesn't need to be rescued. If Doug fails to ask her, she'll likely go with her friends or family and have just as much fun. 2. This is a good indication that Skeeter has an idea of what goes on in Doug's mind. He knew that all he had to do was plant the idea that Patti will say yes. 3. This is again a terrible mis-characterization of Patti by Doug. Now she's a dainty princess that needs to be rescued from some castle. If Doug ever actually dated her, she'd quickly dump him after it became apparent that he really didn't know or understand her. Then she'd probably realize she's a lesbian and would come out of the closet.

Anyway, the knight in shining bullshit idea worked and Doug made the call.

As you can see from the picture, Doug is not handling this very well. He's stuttering and tripping over his words so much he needs help.

Guess what Doug asks her. Of course he called her stupid. Why did Porkchop and Skeeter put that on the sign anyway? How is Porkchop holding that pointer?

Doug explains to her that it'll be a group thing with Skeeter and Beebe and Porkchop and Patti says yes. Doug hangs up and celebrates without realizing the stupid mistake he made. The language he used doesn't make it seem like a date at all. Just a bunch of friends hanging out at the fair. Skeeter and Beebe aren't on a date. It's weird that Porkchop is even going. "Sure, Doug. I'll go to the fair with you. I'll meet y'all at the main entrance at 2:30." I'd like to make the semantic argument that the "y'all" in the second sentence implies that the "you" in the first sentence is the plural "you" and that Patti isn't talking about being Doug's date at the fair. Plus, she's just going to meet them there.

Moving on, Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop are waiting at the main entrance when Patti and Beebe stroll on up.

Doug is excited. His excitement is quickly diminished by the unwanted presence of Roger.

His rickets is getting better. He can almost stand up straight. Still needs to do something about the fact that his feet are turned out like that.

Time to try some carnival games. First up is Soak Your Mayor, where everyone successfully dunks Mayor Bob White except Doug. Even Porkchop managed to throw a baseball competently enough to outshine Doug.

I just love that Stinky is the only one that notices how much Porkchop's abilities upset him. After several more carnival games, Doug still hasn't won a prize. Everyone else has at least one stuffed animal. Porkchop has so many he has a fucking wagon for them. He shows pity on Doug and offers him a troll doll.

This is perhaps the most pathetic moment of Doug's imaginary life. To make up for his total incompetence with regards to dating and rigged carnival games, he has imagined that his dog is an expert at this shit. Then his imagination shows him pity with a fucking troll doll.

Now it's time for the ferris wheel. Skeeter, back to showing that he doesn't really understand Doug's mental disabilities, points out that it's now or never with Patti, and if he doesn't ride the ferris wheel with her, who knows who will. It might be Roger. Let's picture that!

Oh, for fuck's sake, where did Roger get a trombone? Where did Doug get this idea that women need to be serenaded on ferris wheels using instruments they would otherwise likely find annoying on their own? Anyway, this thought makes Doug mad.

And now, instead of just straight up asking her to ride with him, Doug just sits down and hopes she'll sit next to him. He gets scared when Beebe starts walking up, but she sits on the carriage in front of him. He gets mad (rightfully this time) when Roger tries to sit with him.

And then Patti comes up and asks to sit down.

He's already imagining the hand job she's about to give him. Then she informs him that this is the fastest ferris wheel and that's why it's called the Giant Tornado (please forgive the designer of the ferris wheel, who did not realize how big tornado's are).

So the ride begins and goes sort of fast. I mean...I guess it's fast for a ferris wheel. Porkchop didn't seem to like it.

Then it ends and everyone is dizzy.

Patti offers Doug a hand to help him up...


HOLY FUCK! Doug's hallucinating again. This can't be good.

This is the greatest moment of his life...only because he's mistaking a friendly, helping hand as something way more than that. This is the big end to the episode. Patti really doesn't give any indication that she thinks this is a date. She does two things that Doug misinterprets because he wants to. And he fucking dwells on holding her hand...





Do I really need to point out how crazy this is? He's still holding his hand as if she's reaching for it hours later, and he still sees it as glowing pink. Doug's brain has fucking snapped.

Let's go back to the beginning, where he said, “since moving to Bluffington, I’ve been through some rough times, but the roughest was wondering if the first date of my life would be with Patti Mayonnaise.” First, he hasn't been through rough times at all. He met a great new friend, Skeeter, he accidentally started a new, popular dance, he won second place in the science fair, he joined the bluff scouts, made friends with a snake and received his first merit badge, met The Beets, saved the Mayor's ass, met Sky Davis, discovered sushi, caught a legendary fish, invented banana pudding pizza, and helped his friends and family on numerous occasions. This is a great childhood. Not rough times. Second, he worried way more when he thought he was going to jail for burning down the school science lab. As usual, his perception of reality is just terribly wrong.