Episode 13, Part 2: Doug Says Goodbye

Here's Doug, contemplating the important things. The things that really matter. Why, Doug? What's wrong this time?

It all started when Skeeter's parents told him to pack his shit, he's moving. See, Doug and Skeeter were going to go to Beebe's costume party dressed as members of The Beets, but then Skeeter found out he was moving and told Doug while sitting on a park bench like a jackass.

This sent Doug into a fantasy that makes you worry that it's going to be a clip show. First it fades into when they first met and how Skeeter taught him how to order food at the Honkerburger. Then it fades into when Skeeter taught Doug how to dance. And then it fades into when they met The Beets.

Which fades into this shot where everyone fades out except Doug, who realizes he's jamming alone and gets embarrased.

And then it fades out to Skeeter and Doug, still at that park bench. Just to be clear, in Doug's fantasy, he added this entirely made up scene where he was at the Honkerburger remembering the time he met The Beets and it faded out to reveal that his fantasy had taken control of him and made him do embarrassing things. He inserted a fantasy where he gets embarrassed into one of his favorite memories! That or he never really met The Beets, and Skeeter and Porkchop aren't even real, and letting us see how he perceives this memory shows that when he thought he met The Beets, it was really just himself dancing and playing air guitar totally alone. Either way, it's not very good, but obviously one is a little worse...

Anyway, Doug immediately tries to think of how he could stop Skeeter from moving. First up, Quailman!

Quailman gives Mr. Valentine the old Quail Eye and hypnotizes him! Skeeter saved! Next up, Smash Adams!

Smash Adams shows up, does faux karate stances or some shit, and just physically threatens the movers to make them stop. This is more retarded than Quailman hypnotizing Skeeter's dad. The movers would just be fired, and Skeeter would still move. Doug, can't you think of a better way for Smash Adams to save your friend than threatening people that have no control over the situation? No? Well lets see how you think you'd manage?

Brilliant idea.

So, once again, we come back to the bench and Skeeter gets an idea.

He doesn't tell Doug what the idea is. He'll tell him later.

At home, Doug is sitting in the kitchen, depressed with the thoughts of his best friend moving away, when his mom comes in with his wig for his costume. She wants to see how it fits with the rest of the costume and so they go up stairs and Doug opens his closet to find...

Awesome. Fearing his mom might freak out, Doug quickly slams the door and gets her to leave.

Then he asks Skeeter what's going on. Turns out, Skeeter's brilliant plan was to run away from home, break into the Funnie's house, and live in Doug's closet. Porkchop helped.

Deciding this is an awesome plan, all three of them rock out to Killer Tofu!

Porkchop's got amazing air guitar skills. It's the thumbs...

After a little fun, Skeeter says he wants a milkshake and suggests they go to the Honkerburger. Doug points out that if they do, everyone will know where Skeeter's hiding out. Not to worry, Skeeter has another brilliant plan.

Surprisingly, this doesn't work. Everyone immediately recognizes Skeeter. Roger is quick to mock him with a stupid line about it being Halloween or something. Oh, and guess who shows up right after...

Yeah. He looks angry as fuck, but he's really just worried because Skeeter never came home after school. He's asking everyone if they've seen him. Doug lies and Roger tries to lead Mr. Valentine to where Skeeter is hiding without just pointing and saying, "look, you goddamn moron. Can't you see that he's right fucking there. He just said something out loud, and you heard it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" I had to take two screenshots of this because this first one...

...check out Roger's rickets. I thought he was getting better. Maybe he should sit at one of the tables outside. And then there's this...

First, it's just a great picture. Second, how fucking stupid does Doug think adults are? This is the second time Skeeter has hidden poorly (while making noise) and both adults would have easily seen him but neither did. Skeeter's dad is actually looking for him and hears him say something, and there's an entire interaction with Roger where they argue and Skeeter bites Roger right behind him, and he manages not to notice. No one is this oblivious.

So then later on the walk home, Doug tells Skeeter he should go with his family.

Typical goodbye. They promise to visit each other and exchange gifts. Skeeter gives Doug his lucky penny.

Doug gives Skeeter a comb...

It's the only thing he had on him...

Anyway, they say goodbye and Doug promises to stop by tomorrow before they leave. The next day, as he's walking towards Skeeter's house, he sees a car driving away and automatically assumes he just missed saying goodbye to his best friend.

Then he sits down on the steps at Skeeter's house and gets sad until Skeeter comes out and surprises him. Turns out, he's only moving into the basement.

Skeeter's family is just retarded. How did Skeeter not know that this was what they meant? Why did his dad only tell him to pack up everything to move? There were no follow up questions? Where are we moving to? Why so sudden? When did you sell this house and find a new place to live? These are some of the questions someone who isn't obliviously retarded would ask.

So Skeeter and Doug got to go to Beebe's party as half of The Beets after all.

I love these four costumes. On anyone else they'd suck, but on the school bully and his friends...perfect.

Nothing beats the kid in the fire hydrant costume. He's wearing a fucking fire hydrant. And he's in another room by himself. Clearly everyone else is in this room, dancing and having a good time. Most likely, the stereo is in there. Not fire hydrant kid! Too cool for the room with the fucking hot dog guy in it.

Remember when Doug's mom wanted to see how the wig matched with the rest of the costume? What happened to the rest of the costume? That's just Doug wearing a blue wig. Why is Porkchop dressed in a heart costume? Was Porkchop even invited to Beebe's party? What about Stinky? Looks like he's wearing Mickey Mouse ears...?

If I wanted to, I could use this episode to argue that Skeeter and Porkchop aren't real. If I wanted to, I could point out that Doug's mom doesn't ask him why he's obviously depressed, doesn't ask him about Skeeter, and doesn't see Skeeter sitting in Doug's closet, eating pizza and playing cards with a dog, and how this indicates that Doug is probably usually depressed (and she spends most of her time trying to cheer him up with wigs and costumes) and that she probably didn't ask about Skeeter or see him and Porkchop because they don't exist. If I wanted to, I would reiterate the facts of the strange fantasy within the fantasy in an attempt to come to a conclusion on what parts of that particular fantasy are real, if any. If I wanted to, but there's simply not enough to go on.

Episode 13, Part 1; Doug's Fair Lady

Another imaginary tv show is ready to humiliate Doug. This one is "Your Saturday Nite!" Patti is playing.

The game is simple. She must choose between three doors. 1. Write a paper with Ms. Wingo for extra credit. 2. Shampoo her hair. 3. Go to the Tri-County fair with Doug.
"Hi, Patti. I'm nice. I've got a great dog. I can eat a ton of cotton candy without getting sick."

"BOOOOO," says the audience. In Doug's mind, this is a really tough choice for Patti to make.
"Since moving to Bluffington, I've been through some rough times, but the roughest was wondering if the first date of my life would be with Patti Mayonnaise." And we're off to a bad start.

The episode actually begins with Doug and Skeeter coming out of school and seeing the idiot janitors putting up this sign.

They gaze in awe as Doug's #1 distraction walks up and talks about going to the fair.

Doug is dumbstruck. It takes Skeeter several seconds to wake him from this debilitating obsession.

Once Skeeter realizes that Doug was creepily leering at Patti, he says he should ask her to go to the fair with him and suggests they ride the ferris wheel together. This time we get to see what Doug is thinking about. It's a little weird for an 11 year old kid.

Every little thing Doug does or says makes him worry about whether Patti will react negatively. Here he automatically assume she will love his singing and banjo playing. Later, Doug doesn't even take his banjo with him. He fantasizes about this happening, but then doesn't even attempt to fulfill it.

At home, Skeeter convinces Doug to make the call to ask her. He reassures Doug by saying they'll make it a group thing with Beebe, Porkchop and himself.

Doug's first fantasy about this call is, of course, negative.

Patti is surrounded by crazy looking men and when she answers the phone, she can't remember who Doug is and makes reference to having many boyfriends. This fantasy causes him to slam the phone down and shout that he can't do it. And why not? Isn't it perfectly reasonable to assume that the 11 year old tomboy goes home (which is apparently a hotel bar or jazz lounge or something) and becomes a feminine object with many boyfriends and suitors pining for her affection? Surely this must be happening!

Skeeter sees some stupid decoration on the wall and it gives him an idea. He tells Doug that maybe she'll see him as her knight in shining armor.

1. This fantasy does not apply. Patti doesn't need to be rescued. If Doug fails to ask her, she'll likely go with her friends or family and have just as much fun. 2. This is a good indication that Skeeter has an idea of what goes on in Doug's mind. He knew that all he had to do was plant the idea that Patti will say yes. 3. This is again a terrible mis-characterization of Patti by Doug. Now she's a dainty princess that needs to be rescued from some castle. If Doug ever actually dated her, she'd quickly dump him after it became apparent that he really didn't know or understand her. Then she'd probably realize she's a lesbian and would come out of the closet.

Anyway, the knight in shining bullshit idea worked and Doug made the call.

As you can see from the picture, Doug is not handling this very well. He's stuttering and tripping over his words so much he needs help.

Guess what Doug asks her. Of course he called her stupid. Why did Porkchop and Skeeter put that on the sign anyway? How is Porkchop holding that pointer?

Doug explains to her that it'll be a group thing with Skeeter and Beebe and Porkchop and Patti says yes. Doug hangs up and celebrates without realizing the stupid mistake he made. The language he used doesn't make it seem like a date at all. Just a bunch of friends hanging out at the fair. Skeeter and Beebe aren't on a date. It's weird that Porkchop is even going. "Sure, Doug. I'll go to the fair with you. I'll meet y'all at the main entrance at 2:30." I'd like to make the semantic argument that the "y'all" in the second sentence implies that the "you" in the first sentence is the plural "you" and that Patti isn't talking about being Doug's date at the fair. Plus, she's just going to meet them there.

Moving on, Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop are waiting at the main entrance when Patti and Beebe stroll on up.

Doug is excited. His excitement is quickly diminished by the unwanted presence of Roger.

His rickets is getting better. He can almost stand up straight. Still needs to do something about the fact that his feet are turned out like that.

Time to try some carnival games. First up is Soak Your Mayor, where everyone successfully dunks Mayor Bob White except Doug. Even Porkchop managed to throw a baseball competently enough to outshine Doug.

I just love that Stinky is the only one that notices how much Porkchop's abilities upset him. After several more carnival games, Doug still hasn't won a prize. Everyone else has at least one stuffed animal. Porkchop has so many he has a fucking wagon for them. He shows pity on Doug and offers him a troll doll.

This is perhaps the most pathetic moment of Doug's imaginary life. To make up for his total incompetence with regards to dating and rigged carnival games, he has imagined that his dog is an expert at this shit. Then his imagination shows him pity with a fucking troll doll.

Now it's time for the ferris wheel. Skeeter, back to showing that he doesn't really understand Doug's mental disabilities, points out that it's now or never with Patti, and if he doesn't ride the ferris wheel with her, who knows who will. It might be Roger. Let's picture that!

Oh, for fuck's sake, where did Roger get a trombone? Where did Doug get this idea that women need to be serenaded on ferris wheels using instruments they would otherwise likely find annoying on their own? Anyway, this thought makes Doug mad.

And now, instead of just straight up asking her to ride with him, Doug just sits down and hopes she'll sit next to him. He gets scared when Beebe starts walking up, but she sits on the carriage in front of him. He gets mad (rightfully this time) when Roger tries to sit with him.

And then Patti comes up and asks to sit down.

He's already imagining the hand job she's about to give him. Then she informs him that this is the fastest ferris wheel and that's why it's called the Giant Tornado (please forgive the designer of the ferris wheel, who did not realize how big tornado's are).

So the ride begins and goes sort of fast. I mean...I guess it's fast for a ferris wheel. Porkchop didn't seem to like it.

Then it ends and everyone is dizzy.

Patti offers Doug a hand to help him up...


HOLY FUCK! Doug's hallucinating again. This can't be good.

This is the greatest moment of his life...only because he's mistaking a friendly, helping hand as something way more than that. This is the big end to the episode. Patti really doesn't give any indication that she thinks this is a date. She does two things that Doug misinterprets because he wants to. And he fucking dwells on holding her hand...





Do I really need to point out how crazy this is? He's still holding his hand as if she's reaching for it hours later, and he still sees it as glowing pink. Doug's brain has fucking snapped.

Let's go back to the beginning, where he said, “since moving to Bluffington, I’ve been through some rough times, but the roughest was wondering if the first date of my life would be with Patti Mayonnaise.” First, he hasn't been through rough times at all. He met a great new friend, Skeeter, he accidentally started a new, popular dance, he won second place in the science fair, he joined the bluff scouts, made friends with a snake and received his first merit badge, met The Beets, saved the Mayor's ass, met Sky Davis, discovered sushi, caught a legendary fish, invented banana pudding pizza, and helped his friends and family on numerous occasions. This is a great childhood. Not rough times. Second, he worried way more when he thought he was going to jail for burning down the school science lab. As usual, his perception of reality is just terribly wrong.