Episode 8, Part 1; Doug Gets His Ears Lowered

This episode starts with a great nightmare. Doug and Porkchop are running as fast as they can from something.

What could they be running from?

Oh, of course. Giant flying scissors. Giant flying scissors chase Doug and Porkchop into a terrifying carnival inhabited by nothing but clowns. I should go ahead and say that this episode is about Doug getting a haircut. It isn't about his fear of clowns, but this nightmare is certain proof that he is terrified of them.

The episode finally really begins with Doug standing in front of a mirror, talking to his dog about his need for a haircut. Doug is overly worried that he won't be able to find someone like his old barber in Bloatsburg, Big Al Sweeney. Doug has a nice flashback to his first haircut from Big Al. Probably because he is a dog, Porkchop mostly ignores Doug. While Doug goes on and on about haircuts and how great his first haircut was, Porkchop steps up on the scales to find that he is overweight. For a dog that couldn't possibly understand numbers or the concept of being overweight, Porkchop seems pretty upset about this.


Outside, Mr. Dink shows off his new hedgeclippers and haircut. When Doug mentions he's getting a haircut, Mr. Dink says "which one?" Doug does not understand this simple joke and responds with "all of them." Anyway, Mr. Dink recommends the place where he got his "very expensive" hair cut. This of course causes Doug to picture himself having the same haircut as Mr. Dink. This is enough for him to write off the entire place. He's not going to get his hair cut there because he doesn't want to look like Mr. Dink. Doug does not understand how this shit works. They don't have one style they give to everyone Doug...

While walking aimlessly through town looking for a barber, Doug runs into Skeeter. Skeeter asks if he wants to go to the mall. There's some stupid videogame he wants to buy. "Sorry, I can't. I gotta find some place to get a haircut." This is an appropriate response if what you're doing is going to take all day, and can't be done at a mall. Doug's just a fucking retard though. Anyway, Skeeter responds with, "Oh cool! You're getting your ears lowered!" Doug looks at his reflection in a window and hallucinates this...

Dammit, Doug. Why must you take everything so fucking literally? It's obvious what Skeeter meant. Of course, why did Skeeter even say that to begin with? What kind of jackass just repeats what you say like that?

So then they run into Judy, who also happens to be getting her hair done today. She recommends Doug go to her place.

Doug is hesitant. Inside we see wacky hair.


Doug is literally attacked by the loud music of this place.


See those lines and music notes that are almost pushing Doug to the ground? Quailman kryptonite. It's not pushing anyone else around, but Doug physically can't take loud music. It is much stronger than wind, though it would only hurt his ears if he wasn't a crazy fucker.

Doug gives up on this place as soon as he sees this girl's new haircut.

Doug pictures himself with this haircut and is so horrified by it that he has to destroy his thought cloud with his arms.

If you saw someone waving their arms around because they thought about what they'd look like with a haircut and this was how they got rid of the thought, would you consider this person sane?


Out on the street, Skeeter tells Doug about the place in the mall where he gets his hair cut. He tells Doug they'll give him the perfect haircut. Doug looks up and sees glory.

Another hallucination, based on...

...a cheese based restaurant.

At the mall, they bump into Roger Rickets and Stinky...

Roger is amused with the idea that Doug is getting a haircut. Surely, the mundane chore of getting a haircut will be so disastrous for Doug it is worth seeing happen. Skeeter warns Doug to avoid the stylist named Fluke, and goes to the video game store. Inside Doug hallucinates again...

Either Doug took some drugs before he left the house or he's just fucking crazy. Doug gets called up and he ends up with Fluke, of course. She suggests giving him a perm...

...with highlights...

Doug's concept of highlights is amusing. And mousse. Fluke wants to use mousse for lift and volume to fit that sense of danger.

Really, Doug? Don't be retarded. This is when Doug finally draws the line and escapes. Quite a sane reaction, really. What kind of hair salon employs someone that just does whatever the fuck they want to a customer's hair without regard to the customer's desires?

Back on the street, wandering aimlessly, Doug bumps into a guy pushing a barber pole into place outside of his new barber shop. He offers Doug a free haircut. The haircut is perfect and Doug tells the barber that he reminds him of the guy that used to cut his hair in Bloatsburg. Turns out this barber is Big Al Sweeney's cousin Joe. You know how good those Sweeneys are at barbering, and since their last name is Sweeney and not Todd, you can pretty much trust them to not slice your throat, grind you up, and cook you into meat pies to be served to the rotten people of Bluffington. In fact, they'll give you and your dumbass dog suckers.

So that's Doug's big haircut adventure. He goes home to write in his journal about getting his ears lowered. He is rudely interrupted by Skeeter who busts into his room and tells him to look out his window.

Yeah, I forgot to mention; when Doug ditched Fluke, Roger sat down in his place. Look at his rickets in that picture. Poor Roger. Regarding Roger's involvement in this story, I think it shows how crazy Doug is. He bumps into Roger at the mall, who decides to tag along to watch him get a haircut. When Doug ditches, Roger gets a haircut. Later, squirrels are making fun of Roger outside of Doug's house. Maybe Roger isn't the mean kid Doug portrays him as. Maybe he's a lonely poor kid that has rickets, and he doesn't know how to make friends. He was probably at the mall to get a haircut anyway, bumped into Doug and Skeeter and tagged along to have company. After being ditched by Doug and Skeeter, he went over to Doug's house to show off his new haircut that almost certainly didn't involve moose antlers. I mean...come on, Doug. I don't buy this for a second. The squirrels making fun of him are you and Skeeter, aren't they?

This is clearly the best extra of the episode. That big green donut thing on her head is the hair style she decided on? "I need my hair to match my green polka dotted clothes, but make it donut shaped. I don't wanna look stupid..."