Episode 9, Part 1; Doug's Big Catch

And so we begin in the middle of a fishing fantasy.

Doug and Porkchop are helping Mr. Dink catch a huge fish that is dragging their boat wherever it feels like going. No fantasy is complete without ridiculous constumes.

Perfect. So what is this all about, Doug?
Well, it seems that Bluffington has a big annual Bass Off. Mr. Dink asked Doug to join him this year. At first Doug thought it sounded pretty boring, then Mr. Dink told him about Chester. Chester is the biggest, smartest fish ever and it happens to live in Lucky Duck Lake. 30 years ago, Chester stole Mr. Dink's Ranger Todd Buckaroo billfold. Every year since, Mr. Dink has been participating in the Bass Off to catch the fish to get revenge. He even drew a picture of the damned fish.

Doug is mildly intrigued. To secure Doug's interest, Mr. Dink says that this is no longer just fishing, it is fish warfare, and he points out all the super high tech equipment he's bought to use this year. Time for another fantasy.

Mr. Dink said nothing about a submarine.

And if he did say something about a submarine, he certainly wouldn't have made you captain. It's always about you, isn't it? In this fantasy, Mr. Dink is navigator, Skeeter is an ensign, and Porkchop is mopping the floor.

I just love that Doug's fantasy is so detailed that he knows the floor of his mind-sub is dirty and must be mopped. Clearly the most important part of fish warfare is keeping the floor clean. If the enemy fish is captured, we don't want him to think we're slobs. GET TO WORK, MOP DOG!
Obviously, the drawing of Chester and his poor interpretation of the made up term "fish warfare" convince Doug he has to help Mr. Dink. The next day, while Mr. Dink is loading up the boat, Doug goes to get some hot dogs. This is when he runs into Roger and his goons.

They start talking about crazy old Dink and Chester, and wonder what sucker Mr. Dink got to go fishing with him this year. Doug slinks away and makes his way back to the boat trying not to be seen by those obnoxious guys he hates anyway. Of course, Mr. Dink notices this change in attitude from Doug and asks if those boys were making fun of him. He gives Doug an out and says he doesn't have to go fishing if he doesn't want to. This causes Doug to think that maybe Mr. Dink really is crazy, and this causes a short, pointless vision.

So suddenly, you think he's crazy and that must mean he'll try fishing out of a barrel instead of the fucking boat he's actually sitting in? What the fuck, Doug?
Again, Doug is convinced by his fantasy and decides to join out of pity. It's not for the fact that he would have fun anyway fishing with crazy ass Mr. Dink. No, it's simple pity. Porkchop and Doug load up and they shove off.
Then Mr. Dink yells back to his wife to get her to throw him the keys. WHAT!? Loading all that equipment must've made it hard to remember the keys. She throws them, he catches, and the added weight of the keys makes the boat sink. Fishing trip over. I don't believe this Doug. There is simply no way that the slightest increase in weight caused by the keys sank the boat. What really happened, Doug?
Sitting on the dock drying off, Mr. Dink tells Doug that when he was Doug's age, he only had a safety pin and some string tied to a stick. Doug asks, "Can you really catch a fish that way?" "No. In fact, I don't think I ever really did that. I think I just saw it on tv and got mixed up." Doug and Mr. Dink are soul mates. Defeated, Mr. Dink gives up fishing forever and leaves with his wife. Doug doesn't like seeing him so down, so he gets an idea.

That's a safety pin from his pocket, one of his shoe laces, and the gum from his mouth. GENIUS! He runs to show Mr. Dink his new fishing pole!

Too late though. Mr. Dink has already given up forever. He's moved on to cotton candy. Cotton candy and soda. Doug's still not ready to give up because he's crazier than Mr. Dink, and stupid enough to believe bubble gum will be good bait, and a safety pin will be a sufficient hook. So he goes back to the dock to fish from there.

He quickly gets a bite and sees the fish. It matches the description of Chester! It's fantasy time again! This time Doug is being interviewed for tv regarding his legendary catch.

We get a glimpse of what Doug intends to do with the fish he catches.

"Hi, I'm Doug Funnie. I think people go fishing in order to catch new pets they have to keep in their tub. It never occurred to me that people either catch and release, or cook the fish they catch because I'm fucking stupid."
For some reason, his fantasy goes on to include an interview with Mr. Dink, who is introduced as the guy who gave up too soon.

Why would you even participate in this interview, you big stupid quitter? Are we going to interview everyone else who didn't catch the big ass fish too? Get the fuck out of here.
So again, on the basis of his absurd fantasy, Doug takes action. He doesn't want to be the one to bring Chester in. It has to be Mr. Dink. Doug calls to him, saying his line is snagged on something. He comes over to help, remarking that it's probably snagged on his boat. So he takes over and is almost pulled in by the fish. Porkchop and Doug help.

Well...Doug helps. I'm not sure you could say that what Porkchop is doing is helping in any way. Probably just ruining Doug's stupid vest. They pull in the fish and it is totally Chester. See!

There you have it. The 30+ year old, biggest and smartest fish ever. Fits in the palm of your hand. Triumph for Dink!

This actually upsets him more than anything. He's finally won after 30 years. He starts crying. Then the fish starts crying...

What's he going to fish for now!? He also says, "Gosh Douglas, I won't have any reason to buy more equipment!" Mr. Dink is a fucking wackjob. Just 2 minutes ago he had given up fishing forever anyway. All that expensive equipment you bought over the years and this fish was caught by some fucking gum on a shoestring. You're crying about not being able to waste more money on useless equipment now? So Doug suggests he throw the fish back. OF COURSE!

Fishermen are weird, and that fish looks like it is enjoying this a little too much. As they're walking away, Porkchop finds something.

Oh shit, it's Mr. Dink's old wallet.

His student id is still in there! He had 3 dollars in it though, so the fish must've stolen that. Why a fish would steal 3 dollars, or Mr. Dink would be so upset about it, I don't know, but it it happened. Apparently.

Lets review what Doug learned about fishing. 1. Expensive equipment doesn't help you catch fish. 2. Boats can only hold so much weight. Once they go over, they sink immediately and there is no way to prevent that. 3. Chewing gum is an excellent fishing bait. 4. Fish have big silly lips and can cry. 5. If you aren't trying to catch one specific fish that you've named and imagined a rivalry exists between you and the fish, then what's the fucking point?
We end this episode with Porkchop dressed up like Chester. He has stolen Doug's wallet and is running from him.

Who made that costume for Porkchop and put it on him?
And so again, we are left to come to the conclusion that virtually none of this really happened. Maybe there was a Big Bass Off that Doug participated in with Mr. Dink. Maybe Mr. Dink fed Doug some bullshit story about a legendary fish named Chester (btw, why Chester?). And maybe they actually went fishing and caught a fish that Dink claimed was Chester. The rest should be considered bullshit Doug made up because he still thinks fishing is boring as fuck. Who knows if he actually believes he caught a legendary (though fairly average) fish with a stick, a shoestring, a safety pin and some gum? This episode serves only to prove how skewed Doug's perception of reality is at this point. His decision making process is broken.
And now for my favorite extras.
There's this quick shot when they arrive at the Big Bass Off where this boy and girl are at the I Scream shop buying ice cream (duh). They turn and walk away and he's only bought some for himself. She's got nothing. Maybe they were meant to share all that ice cream, but he's holding it away from her and makes no move indicating that he intends to share. Dude's a pimp.

Episode 8, Part 2; Doug on the Wild Side

This is a shot of a fantasy at the beginning where Doug imagines he has a normal grandmother. She brings them homemade pickled beets. She has a favorite rocking chair she sits in when she visits. She knits. This is what Doug wants. What Doug has is the only family member that actually tries to help him with some of his problems.

Grandma Opal shows up and ends Doug's "normal grandma" fantasy with her loud motorcycle. She's brought gifts for everyone. Judy gets boots.



She loves them. Phil and Theda get this shit...



They are nice about getting stupid shit they don't like. Doug gets a jacket he doesn't like.



He imagines wearing it. Guess who shows up?





Of course Beebe is a member of the fashion police, but Roger? The poor kid with rickets? Paranoid Doug is funny.

So anyway, Grandma Opal wants someone to give her a tour of the new town they live in. Doug excitedly volunteers and promises Phil they'll be back by 6:00 in time for supper. Grandma drags him and Porkchop out of the door.



It's like Doug and Porkchop weigh nothing, and don't want to go. They are hesitant about riding on the motorcycle at first. We quickly go into Doug's fantasy land.



Yeah, you'd be cool as hell on motorcycles. You'd wear bandannas and leather vests and skull t shirts and spiked bracelets, and you'd have a badass heart tattoo. Lets take a closer look at that sweet tat!



YEAH! Definitely wouldn't regret that. You either marry her and have her maiden name tattooed on your arm, or you don't marry her and spend the rest of your life telling everyone you fucking love a condiment to avoid having to tell how you never got to marry the love of your life and you spend each night seeing how much alcohol you can drink because of the constant reminder of your failure you have on your arm. Doug; you so crazy.

Of course, this fantasy is totally irrelevant anyway once you see that Doug and Porkchop are riding bitch sidecar.



Thank god she brought a helmet and goggles fit for a dog. At their first stop, some stereotypical bikers come along and frighten Doug. One of them pulls up next to Grandma Opal and asks if she wants to drag. What a fucking moron. Can't you see the sidecar with the kid and the dog in it? She declines and shows the guy pictures of her grandkids. This is particularly amazing since we only know of Doug and Judy, and Doug is sitting right there. Kind of pointless to show off pictures of him. Show him off instead. Surprisingly, the biker is impressed and shows off pictures of his kids, which we can assume live in different states with their mothers because he's a stereotype named Bubba (and we know this because of his shirt).



After this cool experience with that dirtbag, Grandma Opal says she's ready for lunch and pulls up to a sushi bar.



Porkchop is handling those chop sticks way better than can be expected of a dog. Grandma Opal tells Doug that sushi is fish. He asks, "like fried fish sticks?" "Well it's kinda like fish sticks, only it's raw fish." Uh oh, fantasy time...



The fish is begging for its life. Doug thinks raw means it's still alive. How cute/pathetic/retarded. Still, this thought is very terrifying for him.



I'd be terrified too, if my food was standing up like this, begging for its life and crying like a human. What is wrong with this kid?

Realizing that Doug is hesitant because it contains raw fish, she reminds him of the first time he ate ice cream. He loved it.



It made him stop crying like a little bitch. So, going on the basis that he liked ice cream the first time he tried it, he tries the sushi.



And loves it. He says he can't wait to tell Skeeter about it.

After sushi, they're driving around when they spy Mayonnaise outside of the library. Grandma Opal quickly picks up on the fact that Doug likes her and encourages him to go talk to her. Doug plays this out in two ways, of course.

"Hey Patti, you look good today!"



"Oh, are you trying to say I don't look good on every other day?"



She takes the compliment in the worst sort of way and Doug literally shrinks down to nothing. Or this interaction with Patti could turn out good...



WHAT!? Why are you suddenly Elvis!? This is how Doug sees this playing out? She's either going to be mad as hell or he's going to be Elvis. Fucking. Crazy.

So Doug says hi, tells her she looks nice, she thanks him, and that's it. No big deal. Doug and Grandma Opal make it home in time for dinner. Doug skips dessert to go try on his new jacket and do an Elvis impersonation.



Grandma Opal leaves and Doug makes his best attempt to adopt her catch phrase. "Life's a picnic, and I'm starving!"



Then Doug and Porkchop ride off into fantasy land.





What else is there to say about this episode? I guess it's good that Grandma Opal is trying to get Doug to stop being so introverted, but it won't last. It hardly works to begin with, and I think being pushed like that created the weird Elvis fantasy. Porkchop was crazy active in this. Of course, Doug is just lying to us about that. Porkchop didn't wear a dog helmet and goggles, he didn't master chopsticks, and he didn't ride a bike at the end like you see up there. Maybe Porkchop "did" all those things as a way for Doug to cope with having a pushy, edgy grandma instead of a normal one. If Porkchop can eat sushi without problems, so can Doug, right?

Episode 8, Part 1; Doug Gets His Ears Lowered

This episode starts with a great nightmare. Doug and Porkchop are running as fast as they can from something.

What could they be running from?

Oh, of course. Giant flying scissors. Giant flying scissors chase Doug and Porkchop into a terrifying carnival inhabited by nothing but clowns. I should go ahead and say that this episode is about Doug getting a haircut. It isn't about his fear of clowns, but this nightmare is certain proof that he is terrified of them.

The episode finally really begins with Doug standing in front of a mirror, talking to his dog about his need for a haircut. Doug is overly worried that he won't be able to find someone like his old barber in Bloatsburg, Big Al Sweeney. Doug has a nice flashback to his first haircut from Big Al. Probably because he is a dog, Porkchop mostly ignores Doug. While Doug goes on and on about haircuts and how great his first haircut was, Porkchop steps up on the scales to find that he is overweight. For a dog that couldn't possibly understand numbers or the concept of being overweight, Porkchop seems pretty upset about this.


Outside, Mr. Dink shows off his new hedgeclippers and haircut. When Doug mentions he's getting a haircut, Mr. Dink says "which one?" Doug does not understand this simple joke and responds with "all of them." Anyway, Mr. Dink recommends the place where he got his "very expensive" hair cut. This of course causes Doug to picture himself having the same haircut as Mr. Dink. This is enough for him to write off the entire place. He's not going to get his hair cut there because he doesn't want to look like Mr. Dink. Doug does not understand how this shit works. They don't have one style they give to everyone Doug...

While walking aimlessly through town looking for a barber, Doug runs into Skeeter. Skeeter asks if he wants to go to the mall. There's some stupid videogame he wants to buy. "Sorry, I can't. I gotta find some place to get a haircut." This is an appropriate response if what you're doing is going to take all day, and can't be done at a mall. Doug's just a fucking retard though. Anyway, Skeeter responds with, "Oh cool! You're getting your ears lowered!" Doug looks at his reflection in a window and hallucinates this...

Dammit, Doug. Why must you take everything so fucking literally? It's obvious what Skeeter meant. Of course, why did Skeeter even say that to begin with? What kind of jackass just repeats what you say like that?

So then they run into Judy, who also happens to be getting her hair done today. She recommends Doug go to her place.

Doug is hesitant. Inside we see wacky hair.


Doug is literally attacked by the loud music of this place.


See those lines and music notes that are almost pushing Doug to the ground? Quailman kryptonite. It's not pushing anyone else around, but Doug physically can't take loud music. It is much stronger than wind, though it would only hurt his ears if he wasn't a crazy fucker.

Doug gives up on this place as soon as he sees this girl's new haircut.

Doug pictures himself with this haircut and is so horrified by it that he has to destroy his thought cloud with his arms.

If you saw someone waving their arms around because they thought about what they'd look like with a haircut and this was how they got rid of the thought, would you consider this person sane?


Out on the street, Skeeter tells Doug about the place in the mall where he gets his hair cut. He tells Doug they'll give him the perfect haircut. Doug looks up and sees glory.

Another hallucination, based on...

...a cheese based restaurant.

At the mall, they bump into Roger Rickets and Stinky...

Roger is amused with the idea that Doug is getting a haircut. Surely, the mundane chore of getting a haircut will be so disastrous for Doug it is worth seeing happen. Skeeter warns Doug to avoid the stylist named Fluke, and goes to the video game store. Inside Doug hallucinates again...

Either Doug took some drugs before he left the house or he's just fucking crazy. Doug gets called up and he ends up with Fluke, of course. She suggests giving him a perm...

...with highlights...

Doug's concept of highlights is amusing. And mousse. Fluke wants to use mousse for lift and volume to fit that sense of danger.

Really, Doug? Don't be retarded. This is when Doug finally draws the line and escapes. Quite a sane reaction, really. What kind of hair salon employs someone that just does whatever the fuck they want to a customer's hair without regard to the customer's desires?

Back on the street, wandering aimlessly, Doug bumps into a guy pushing a barber pole into place outside of his new barber shop. He offers Doug a free haircut. The haircut is perfect and Doug tells the barber that he reminds him of the guy that used to cut his hair in Bloatsburg. Turns out this barber is Big Al Sweeney's cousin Joe. You know how good those Sweeneys are at barbering, and since their last name is Sweeney and not Todd, you can pretty much trust them to not slice your throat, grind you up, and cook you into meat pies to be served to the rotten people of Bluffington. In fact, they'll give you and your dumbass dog suckers.

So that's Doug's big haircut adventure. He goes home to write in his journal about getting his ears lowered. He is rudely interrupted by Skeeter who busts into his room and tells him to look out his window.

Yeah, I forgot to mention; when Doug ditched Fluke, Roger sat down in his place. Look at his rickets in that picture. Poor Roger. Regarding Roger's involvement in this story, I think it shows how crazy Doug is. He bumps into Roger at the mall, who decides to tag along to watch him get a haircut. When Doug ditches, Roger gets a haircut. Later, squirrels are making fun of Roger outside of Doug's house. Maybe Roger isn't the mean kid Doug portrays him as. Maybe he's a lonely poor kid that has rickets, and he doesn't know how to make friends. He was probably at the mall to get a haircut anyway, bumped into Doug and Skeeter and tagged along to have company. After being ditched by Doug and Skeeter, he went over to Doug's house to show off his new haircut that almost certainly didn't involve moose antlers. I mean...come on, Doug. I don't buy this for a second. The squirrels making fun of him are you and Skeeter, aren't they?

This is clearly the best extra of the episode. That big green donut thing on her head is the hair style she decided on? "I need my hair to match my green polka dotted clothes, but make it donut shaped. I don't wanna look stupid..."