Episode 19, Part 1; Doug's Derby Dilemma

The beginning fantasy begins with a snake calmly taking a nap in the road. Everything starts to rumble and the snake gets scared. Then it gets the fuck out of the road to make room for what?

Oh, it's a race. There are two people in each car for reasons that are never explained.

So what's this episode about?

Oooh, first annual! Never heard of Mt. Saint Buster, but I bet it's awesome shit, especially for a downhill rally. And there's a special mystery prize? Sign me up!

Excited from the poster, all of the kids in Bluffington walk to city hall. Apparently that's where they have to sign up for the rally. Pretty fucking weird.

Oh, cool. Mayor Bob White is actually the one running the rally! So cool to see him doing stuff for the kids! He announces the prizes to baffling applause.

This is what second and third place get. Trophies of the mayor. Shitty prize. Roger criticizes them and guesses that first place gets an even bigger trophy of the mayor. He's wrong. What Mayor Bob White says next throws the town's children into a frenzy. First place gets the "top secret mystery grand prize!"

HOLY SHIT! A MYSTERY PRIZE! After seeing the other two prizes and how awesome they were, can you begin to imagine the excitement the kids are feeling? This is going to be great!

Pretty weird how the mayor is actually running the sign-ups too. Is he the only one that works in city hall or what? So up in that picture, Roger and Doug are arguing about who is going to win the prize, like you do. Doug wins the argument by laughing about his rickets and spitting on him.

At Doug's house, Doug and Skeeter are working on their rally car. Don't ask me why they are working together. It's never explained. Apparently people are allowed to partner up and make two-seaters. So they've drawn some potential models. My favorite is Doug's.

That's right. Doug plans to use the aerodynamic perfection of the avocado, which he has spelled "avacado."

Step 1: Nail toilet seat to a wooden crate.

After they finish making a big piece of shit, they fantasize about the mystery prize. Doug hopes it might be a 40 speed mountain bike.

What the fuck is that coming out of the middle of the handlebars? Who knows what Doug thinks he can do with a 40 speed bike, but what we do know is that he could've just as easily imagined it being a bike with a motor on it so he didn't have to pedal. Doug would rather shift through 40 gears and pedal. This is still better than Skeeter's idea.

"A whole new wardrobe." Really, Skeeter? This would be a terrible prize, especially if you just got 20 of the same outfit.

And Doug imagines another potential prize.

"A night on the town for two!" I like that they both imagine a prize that they will not split with the other. They could maybe share the 40 speed mountain bike. Doug isn't going to start dressing like Skeeter. And though there's two of them, Doug would take the prize and take out Patti, because free dinner for the guy that helped make the racer is stupid.

So, Roger comes along and tells them that Chalky and Beebe must've stolen their design because they have one that looks just like theirs! THE BASTARDS! The run off to see what's up, and Roger pulls out a screwdriver.

That doesn't look anything like Doug and Skeeter's. Security catches them.

Chalky and Beebe accuse them of trying to steal their plans! So she insists that the car engineers her father hired start over and security gets tighter so that no one can see their racer before the race! Good thinking.
So Doug and Skeeter go back and admire their fine work.

Look at this pathetic piece of shit. Why did they put those open cans on there to look like headlights? They serve no function. They aren't going to be able to steer. What is the broom for? Is that the brakes? Fuck. Doug and Skeeter are going to die if they try to race this down a mountain. No matter. It spontaneously falls apart and a sign saying "SUCKERS" pops out!

Damn, Roger. At least they weren't going down the mountain when this happened.

Mr. Dink lets them build a new one in his shed because he has very expensive, top of the line security.

This looks so much better than their first attempt. Still have the unnecessary headlights, but it looks like Roger did them a huge favor. Suddenly, the security system goes off and lets them know Patti is outside!

She just wants to borrow a hammer. Doug decides to let her in and then the process of opening the door begins. There are several layers of doors and when they finish opening, Patti isn't there.

Oh, she just used the unlocked side door. What a great security system. Really shows you how incompetent Doug, Skeeter and Mr. Dink are.

It's time to race. Here's where it's taking place.

Yeah, it's got loops and shit.

Poorchop is apparently a race official.


The race begins!

Beebe and Chalky take the lead quickly. With Doug and Skeeter in second, Roger gets up next to them and starts grinding his wheels against theirs. This triggers a quick, standard fantasy from Doug.

Roger starts to cut them off, but gets turned sideways and their racer cuts off the nose of his racer (his racer looks like his head, you'll see).

But still, way ahead, Chalky decides to go ahead and celebrate their win with some music.

Chalky is completely useless. Why is he a part of this team? Her dad hired the people that made the damn thing. Beebe is driving it. And that's not the fucking "play music button." Illogically, it's the airbag button. They could've just had no button at all. That would have made sense.

Fucked.

Doug and Skeeter notice that they need help and stop to free them. Then other people stop to help them.

The air bag keeps inflating and floats away.

Roger wins. Oh, and Porkchop gets to wave the checkered flag too!? Mayor Bob White must really be hurting for some fucking help. He had to plan and promote this stupid fucking thing all by himself. I wonder how much he paid Porkchop for the small amount of help he provided. So what was the top secret mystery prize that everyone went fucking nuts about? The winner gets to be "vice mayor" for a week!

This means he gets to write the mayors letters for him, apparently. I guess when you can't afford a secretary (because your town pays their taxes in beets and wishes), you just make up some stupid competition that will allow you to use child labor for a week.

We end illogically. Doug reads about a dog sled race.

I don't think any of this actually happened. There might have been an actual race announced by the mayor, but Doug didn't enter it. Possibly because his parents won't let him near any of the tools he needs to make a racer. Danger to himself and others sort of thing. Then at the end of the episode, after Doug has written out this fantasy where he got to make 2 racers and act honorably, he talks to his ukulele playing dog about entering a dog sled race.

It just makes more sense to dismiss this episode as entirely the fantasy of a crazy kid, than to accept that the mayor runs the entire town on his own, Beebe's dad hired engineers so she could win what would be, at best, a $20 prize, Patti didn't own a hammer and had to borrow one from Doug, the avocado model existed, Mt. Saint Buster has physically impossible roads, and air bags can keep filling up and fly away.

Episode 18, Part 2: Doug's Worst Nightmare

Naturally, we begin with a fantasy.

Roger is dragging Doug through the desert.

and the arctic.

Why is Doug so concerned with Roger blindly running across the world?

Oh shit.

The actual story begins with Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop watching a movie on tv about a giant killer beet destroying a city. The channel changes to Derek Derekson performing Shakespeare on ice. Remember Derek Derekson from the award show on ice in Doug's strange fantasy from the last episode? Yeah, he's real and his performances of Shakespeare on ice are popular enough to be on broadcast television. It's probably just PBS, but it doesn't matter. Judy has changed the channel and refuses to let Doug and Skeeter finish watching the movie they were watching. Bitch.

Eager to give up the fight, they decide to finish the movie at Skeeters. They open the door to a surprise.

What the fuck is he doing here?

Why the fuck is he wearing a tie? (Also, rickets?)

In a really creepy moment, Skeeter sniffs and takes note of the fact that he's wearing cologne. Why the fuck is he wearing cologne?

Ignoring Doug and Skeeter, Roger walks over to the living room doorway and stares at Judy.

Doug figures it out immediately. He tells Skeeter that Roger has a crush on Judy. Skeeter immediately triggers a fantasy by saying, "can you imagine what it'd be like if Roger started hanging around here?"

Roger and Judy are doing that overly mushy couple stuff and Doug asks for the banana pudding. Big mistake.


Well, what did you expect? Roger and Judy laugh.

After the fantasy, Doug and Skeeter point out that Judy is gaga over Derek Derekson. They tell Roger she only goes for high class guys who can quote Shakespeare while wearing skates. Roger leaves.

The next day at school, Roger shows up in a silly costume wearing roller blades. Roller blades have always been known as the ultimate chick magnet. Unfortunately, Roger is not very graceful and he falls down. This likely has something to do with his rickets.

Later, Roger's goons call for Doug because they need his help. Roger is freaking out in the bathroom. He's reciting shit.

I hate Greatest Hits compilations. It's always just the shit they play on the radio all the time anyway.

The goons leave, and Roger comes out to have a little talk with Funnie. He wants to know if Judy said anything about him after he left. Then Doug tries to tell him she's different/weird. Then Roger goes into crush mode with heart shaped eyes and points out that their initials are the same as Romeo and Juliet's. Doug narrates, "Now I was sure of it. Roger had gone insane!" At this point, I wish someone could've pointed out to Doug that what Roger was doing regarding Judy was not insane compared to what he does regarding Patti.

At home, Doug hears a ruckus outside his window. He looks out to see Roger playing music, reciting Shakespeare, and climbing a ladder up to a window. He tries to get Roger's attention, but fails. Too late.

That's right. Roger's at the wrong house. I don't know how he managed this. He was just at the Funnie house yesterday. I can only assume Roger suffers from night blindness, but I don't want to think he's got yet another disability. The writer's can't be that cruel. But then the other option is that he's just really fucking stupid...poor Roger.

So Doug comes out and tells him Judy isn't even home anyway. She's rehearsing or some stupid thing. Roger asks him to give her a note.

...poor Roger...

And because Doug hasn't had much fantasy time this episode, we get this really quick one.

"To deliver, or not to deliver? That is the question!"

Doug delivers. Judy reads it. It's a poem that ends by asking her to meet at the Honkerburger. The poem is mostly plagiarized from Merchant of Venice. Judy says she knows how to handle it and goes to the Honkerburger.

She does this whole monologue that I'm sure is from something but I have no idea what it is and it doesn't really matter anyway. The basic idea is "we can't be together." She overacts the fuck out of it and gets a huge round of applause from the people at the Honkerburger. Then she leaves.

Doug and Porkchop were outside watching, and she walks by saying, "I told you I knew how to handle it." Then Roger comes out pissed that Doug hadn't told him how crazy Judy was. Well, actually Roger. He did try to tell you.

He shoves the hat onto Doug, and the flowers and glasses into his hands and leaves. The end.

And so what we have here is not really Doug's worst nightmare. Doug's worst nightmare would be if Judy had actually liked Roger and they started dating. It's strange, typical Doug behavior that he automatically assumed Judy would go for it. He at least realized that Roger's not really her type. And then when Roger adopted the Shakespeare act, Doug went back to assuming Judy would fall for it. Doesn't know his own sister.

And this whole episode he's either laughing at Roger's insanity or pitying him for it. Yet, at least Roger is actively pursuing his crush. Roger had a crush on Judy for 2 days. He quickly asked her out and got rejected. Then he moved on because he saw that she wasn't really what he wanted. Roger isn't insane. He's got a crush. That's normal.

On the other hand, Doug has had a crush on Patti for over a year. He has progressed only in driving himself crazy. He's had complete psychotic breakdowns because he doesn't have the balls Roger has. Poor Doug...

Episode 18, Part 1: Doug's on Stage

Everyone is excited because today is the day when the cast list for Bluffington's annual Founder's Day Pageant gets posted. Skeeter gets to play the founder of Bluffinton, Thadeus Bluff! Doug points out and laughs at Roger because he has to play the front half of Grendel the Brave Horse. Then he notices who has to play the back half.

Not so funny now, is it Doug? At least Roger isn't the horse's ass.

And then Doug and Skeeter notice that Judy is going to direct the pageant. Doug takes this news worse than the news that he had to be the back half of a horse. You would think Doug would quit the pageant at this point. He's got a shitty role, and his crazy sister is directing it and all he can think about is how she's going to embarrass him. Why does he show up to the first rehearsal?

It's so he can have this amazing fantasy about how Judy will embarrass him.

The fantasy begins with Judy telling everyone to take it from the top. Then she says, "oh, by the way, Dougie. You left these in the bathroom this morning."


Then she shoots them onto Doug's head as everyone swirls around, laughing at him.

Doug doesn't know his sister at all. Yes. It's possible that she would embarrass him during the rehearsals and pageant. However, she has never been the type to embarrass him in this manner. This is more Roger's style of embarrassment. If Judy was going to embarrass Doug, it would be by having a complete emotional breakdown that reveals how psychologically unstable the Funnie kids are. That's what he needs to worry about.

Anyway Judy walks on stage dressed and acting like an old lady in need of help and reveals the disguise when Doug offers her help. Everyone applauds. Then she tells everyone to throw away their scripts because she's changing everything. This makes everyone happy, especially Doug. It means he won't be a horse's ass (in the pageant...every day life...debatable).

Judy's announcement causes another great fantasy from Doug.

"And now, presenting the award for best director of a school pageant, here's world famous experienced figure skating person, Derek Derekson."

Ignoring the terribly worded introduction that Derek Derekson received...why is he skating to the podium? Is this a reference to some early 90's award show that for some reason took place on ice? More on this in a minute.

Anyway, Derek Derekson announces that Judy Funnie is of course the winner!

WHY!? Judy comes out, thanks them, but then quickly gives all credit to Doug. It is his fantasy after all...

Again. WHY!? This is one of Doug's more absurd fantasies. If the guy presenting an award is a world famous figure skater, then he's probably always wearing his ice skates. And that means the stage must be ice. So that means Judy has to be wearing ice skates. And then Doug too! Of course! Why did Doug fantasize that this whole awards show would take place on ice and that everyone would just have to accommodate one guy who was merely presenting an award? Why didn't he just fantasize that someone relevant to stage productions was presenting the award? World famous Tony award-winning director Gerald Gutierrez! There! Now there's no need for ice skates. Doug just wanted to fantasize that he was ice skating, I guess.

Moving on. Doug and Skeeter are practicing Skeeter's lines. Skeeter is still the founder of Bluffington, but now he's an astronaut.

This annoys Skeeter's father. A lot. He calls the mayor!

...who teams up with Mr. Bone...

...to fire Judy. Mr. Bone takes over and restores the pageant to the traditional, boring bunch of bullshit where Doug is a horse's ass.

It's opening night. Boomer looks pissed that he has to be a tree. He does actually have lines, so he's at least not the back half of a horse. I don't know why the trees have lines, but they do.

Everyone is enthusiastic about the traditional pageant. The man sitting next to Mr. Bone taking notes (Mr. Bone incorrectly assumes it is the critic from the local paper) gets up and goes back stage to reveal his true identity. He's Judy.

Judy tells them to ditch this boring shit and tells Doug to get his bongos.

Skeeter gets his astronaut uniform and kazoo...

And they finish out the show with a strange beatnik sort of song where Roger is dressed as a pot roast, his goons are dressed as peas, and nothing makes any sense whatsoever. The crowd loves it.

There's nothing else to say, really.

I uploaded Judy’s part of the pageant, but it has already been blocked by viacom. I didn’t feel like describing it. Oh well. Skeeter is swinging around from the ceiling. Roger is dressed as a pot roast with a gang of peas. Beebe is dressed as a fork. Patti is dressed as an angel or something. What part of what we're shown was actually a part of Judy's rewrites and how much of it was filtered into nonsense about pot roast and peas and forks and astronauts by Doug who doesn't really understand his sister and doesn't care to understand her? I'm sure Judy's rewrites were insane enough. She's a Funnie. But what did Doug lazily describe to us? Or what did he add or change in his journal entry to make it more interesting? These are the questions we'll never have answers to.

That doesn't matter though, because Judy's version of the pageant was amazing. Just look at this bliss!

The Count's wife moved to Bluffington after the divorce, and his son just tries to blend in.