Doug must have said, "hey Skeeter, wanna come over so you can be bored while I write in my journal?"
Doug's agenda for this journal entry is to review his New Year's resolutions from the beginning of the year to see how they went. I don't know what the first three resolutions were, but number four was "walk a mile in everybody's shoes." Doug checks it off. I hope he took that idea literally and just borrowed everyone's shoes for one mile hikes. Resolution number five is "grow chest hair." Another resolution Doug feels he accomplished. Generally, these are pretty bad resolutions though. What did he do to make himself feel like he walked a mile in everybody's shoes and what actions did he take to grow chest hair that aren't automatic results of him staying alive and entering puberty?
Resolution number six was "tell Patti how I feel about her."
"Oh well. Maybe next year." So much for the easiest resolution he had.
At Mr. Swirly, Patti asks Doug if he's going to Beebe's New Year's party.
He says, "I guess so." She says she is going too, then she says a goodbye and walks away with Connie. They sit down with Beebe at the next booth. Why aren't they all sitting together?
Patti shouts, "hey, Guy," as she's sitting down. Doug is watching.
Guy is standing by the counter. He makes a noise with his mouth then says to no one in particular, "hold the mayo." Get it? Since Doug witnessed the whole thing, he's suddenly apprehensive about New Year's Eve and tries to downplay the event. Skeeter agrees with him that New Year's is no big deal, but then Beebe starts talking about what a huge deal it is.
"New Year's is a huge deal! There's lots of eating and dancing and kissing. Everybody kisses at New Year's!"
Connie asks, "everybody?"
Beebe goes on to make the point that you have to kiss whoever you're with at midnight because it's a tradition. She starts looking at Skeeter to make her point, because the girl who attends a school shaped like her own head isn't exactly equipped with an ability for subtlety. Her little speech makes Skeeter have a small freakout where he chokes on his drink, but then he just orders another, so he's maybe not too worried about kissing Beebe.
Doug now sees the party as an opportunity to complete his resolutions.
"If Patti's going to kiss someone at midnight, I'm going to make sure it's me."
Skeeter takes a moment to connect the awful dots Doug just laid out. "Oh, I get it, man. Since kissing is a New Year's tradition, Patti will have to kiss you. She'll have no choice."
"Yeah! I mean, no. I mean...if I could just give her one kiss, maybe she'd finally know how I really feel about her." Skeeter bad. Doug not so bad, but still very questionable. Words would be a better way to tell someone how you feel about them.
So here's a fantasy about how the party is going to go. Doug and Patti will be the only ones there. They will be dressed up. Doug will be playing the piano. Patti will be amazed by his talent and romance.
Not content to this level of admiration, Doug will take off his shoes, climb on top of the piano, and continue playing the piano with his toes.
He is just as good with his feet as he is with his hands. After he hands Patti a rose without disrupting the music he's playing with his feet, Patti says, "I want you to kiss me like you've never kissed anyone before."
After the fantasy, Doug exclaims, "SKEETER! I've never kissed anyone before! I don't think I even know how!"
Roger overhears this (I mean, he wouldn't have to be snooping either. Doug shouted it. Are Patti, Connie, and Beebe still sitting at the booth next to them because they're probably hearing everything Skeeter and Doug are saying and awkward?) and begins his usual taunting.
After Roger calls him a loser, Doug asks how many girls he's kissed. Roger pulls out a notepad.
After consulting his notes, Roger confirms that he kissed 97 girls at New Year's last year. Skeeter asks how many of the girls actually wanted him to kiss. His reply is just awful.
"Who cares? The point is even a scammed kiss counts!" Roger says he's going for a new record this year. If you were ever wondering what Roger might go to jail for, here's a clue. Unfortunately, he now has money, so maybe don't get your hopes up that he'll receive a decent punishment when/if it happens.
Skeeter makes a joke about New Year's being the only way Roger can get a kiss. Doug says, "yeah, but he sounded so...experienced, and I don't know the first thing about kissing, unless you count my grandmother! I gotta learn fast, 'cause when the clock strikes midnight, I'm gonna be right there with the perfect kiss."
Oh, they are totally still sitting in the booth next to Doug and Skeeter, but judging by the smile on Patti's face, they were too busy in conversation to hear the guys.
Here's Doug getting ready to practice kissing.
Lucky for Porkchop, Doug has the balloon. Porkchop pops a tape into the VCR and it's a Smash Adams movie. Doug intends to study the kissing techniques of Smash Adams.
Smash Adams is holding a woman in his arms as they snowboard off a cliff. Smash opens a parachute and they begin kissing shortly thereafter.
Their parachute snags on the roof of a building and they end up hanging upside down. Their kissing continues uninterrupted.
Doug practices.
Porkchop is embarrassed.
Judy catches him. Embarrassed, Doug can't think of an excuse for his behavior. Judy says, "don't tell me. You're practicing for some loud, mindless, bourgeoisie New Year's Eve bash where mob mentality forces you to kiss someone at midnight. Patti, perhaps?"
She takes the balloon from Doug, promising to show him the proper technique. She does a weird sort of French act before doing a bad impersonation of Patti, then she throws the balloon away and chases Doug around the room trying to kiss him.
After Smash Adams and Judy failed Doug, he turned to his next great source of information.
Fuck.
Really, this could go a lot worse than it does. It's still a wholly useless learning experience for Doug though.
He hides this in an issue of The Amazing Man O Steel Man so no one can see what he's reading.
Skeeter walks up behind him and sees what he's reading. He blushes. Everyone in the store stares at him.
Skeeter says it's a cool issue of Teen Mush Magazine and he's already on step 32. Doug is too embarrassed to say anything but "oh" while he sheepishly puts the magazine back on the rack and walks away because he has that standard social anxiety disorder.
Doug stops by Lack Luster Video to pick up more movies for research. He's literally back where he started. It gets sort of weird when he walks past the Pet Pagoda and sees a kissing fish in the window. He thinks maybe he should just imitate nature.
Roger sees him imitating the fish and mocks him. Doug tries to play it off like he's been thinking about becoming a marine biologist. Roger says, "cut the chin wag, Funnie. Tomorrow night's New Year's Eve, and I don't want to risk chapping my lips with idle conversation." Shouldn't have fucking started it then, Roger. Asshole.
That night, Doug is practicing his duckface in the mirror.
Phil and Theda are settling in for a night of shitty New Year's TV and popcorn. Theda asks Judy if she's going to a party, and Judy dismisses the idea with a short rant about how stupid it all is. She says she's going to sit in her room and clean out the attic of her mind.
Doug catches his parents kissing and narrates, "it was kinda embarrassing. They are my parents after all, and really old. But they did look like they really liked each other."
Theda asks if Doug is ready for Beebe's party, and Phil asks if he has a ride over there. Doug says Mr. Dink is taking him. Mr. Dink is chaperoning. I guess being married to the mayor isn't all ribbon cuttings and shopping sprees and cocaine addiction. Sometimes you just have to do a shitty job.
Meanwhile, Judy's celebration is off to a great start. Unfortunately, she left her door open.
Theda and Phil start blowing some horns and disturb her peace. Rude.
At the party, Skeeter offers Doug some goat cheese and garlic hors d'doeuvres and he declines because of the breath issue..
So far, Doug's piano fantasy is all wrong.
Doug starts eating carrots while Beebe drags Skeeter off to dance.
Guy approaches Doug and gives him a warm greeting because really, they are friends and Guy doesn't know he's an annoying shitbag. Doug says, "I thought you never went to seventh grade parties."
"I don't. I'm in the next room. With Bill Bluff! And the future captains of industry! Having a grown up party!"
In the Bluffington world, there are conspiracy theories on the internet about what happens at Bill Bluff's Grown Up New Year's Party for Eighth Grade Boys. Maybe there's blurry pictures. Maybe it's not so much a conspiracy as a series of court settlements for undisclosed amounts and charges.
After Guy leaves, Doug returns to his carrots. Patti enters and shouts from across the room, "hey, Doug! Great party, huh?"
"Yeah...great."
Meanwhile, Judy is fucking bored with her meditation.
She calls her friend Cassius and gets an answering machine, I guess. I think that's what it's supposed to be. It starts, "hello, this is Cassius."
Judy says hello and starts to say something but is cut off by Cassius saying, "we all know New Year's Eve is a mindless ritual for the hoi polloi. HAPPY HOI POLLOI! HAHA!" A woman on the phone tells Cassius happy new year before making kissing noises. Maybe it's not the answering machine. I don't know. Either way, Judy hangs up in anger.
Back at the party, Doug is still standing alone, eating carrots. The clock goes from 9pm to 11pm. Doug has been standing there eating carrots the whole time. Chalky walks up and says, "eeeh, what's up, Doug?"
Suddenly, I fucking love Chalky. Anyway, Chalky asks if Doug has made any New Year's resolutions. Doug says he has just one. Chalky says, "yeah? Me too! I've decided to develop some character flaws. You know, people don't like you when you're too perfect?" Doug points out that he's off to a good start since people don't like it when other people talk with their mouth full of food.
Meanwhile, bored Judy wants to join her parents but still insists on making a thing of protesting it. They don't care and she joins them.
What was the point of making the popcorn if you weren't going to fucking eat it?
At the party, Doug is all out of carrots and terribly tired. He normally doesn't stay up this late. Roger helps him out with a blast from his horn.
He just wants Doug to watch him set a new kissing record.
Doug looks at the clock and sees it is 11:30, then spots Patti across the room, chatting with Guy.
Instead of joining the conversation and maybe talking to Patti before his planned kiss, Doug dances his way over to Skeeter.
"Skeeter, it's almost New Year's! What if I blow it? What if I don't kiss her right? What if I poke her in the eye with my nose? What if our teeth hit and cause a spark that hits the curtains and starts a fire!?"
"Wow...could happen, man." Thanks, Skeeter.
Doug returns to the earlier fantasy for some reason. Patti is horrified by Doug's kiss and pushes him away. As she stands up, he falls to the floor.
"Eww, where did you learn to kiss? On a balloon?"
"Well...yeah. But don't leave! I'll try harder next time!"
"There'll never be a next time, loser!"
The fantasy ends with Doug screaming, "nooooo," and in real life he starts backing up, as if recoiling from the horror of his imaginary failure. He backs into Patti.
She asks if he's okay and he says he's perfect. He then excuses himself and walks away. His plan to kiss her conflicts entirely with his plan to avoid her all night. After he leaves her alone and confused, Guy dances over.
Doug really starts to lose it here. He walks over to the snack table again, saying, "steady, Doug. Steady." He mindlessly stuffs his face with food and mutters, "she was close. Very close."
Beebe tells him she's glad he's enjoying the onion dip. He realizes he's been eating onions and excuses himself. Beebe is briefly confused.
Doug finds a corner where he can brush his teeth.
You realize how easy this is for me, right?
It's not midnight yet, but Roger's already chasing girls for kisses.
...what?
Suddenly, Doug can't find Patti. He's looking everywhere but can't find her. He asks Skeeter if he's seen her.
Beebe says she left with Guy to go to another party. Doug asks Mr. Dink if he can give them a ride to some other parties for an emergency.
Being a responsible chaperone, Mr. Dink immediately agrees and they leave.
Doug barges into Al and Moo's New Year's party to ask the nerds if Guy and Patti are there.
Before Doug can actually ask about Patti, Al and Moo decide to show off their dancing shoes. They are programmed to perform any dance.
Mr. Dink says he must have the dancing shoes and Al and Moo say they are very expensive. Makes you wonder if they are actually his sons.
Doug finally gets to ask Moo if Patti and Guy have been around. Moo tells him they left just before he got here.
At the next party, the foreign exchange student party apparently, Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink are forced into some sort of foreign conga hopping line.
Fentruck tells Doug Patti and Guy left just before he got here.
And here's another party where Doug apparently just missed them.
Why are Guy and Patti going around to all these other parties? Who is driving them? You know what will really impress Patti? If you take her to Doug's dog's New Year's party. Porkchop and his dog friends are really cool! Good thinking, Guy.
Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink return to Beebe's party just in time for the countdown . Doug is dejected. Skeeter reassures him that there's always next year. For the countdown, Mr. Dink turns on his new, very expensive, dancing shoes. They immediately malfunction.
Roger starts going for the record with Connie. Here's how that went.
Next, he tells Beebe she has something in her eye. She says, "really?" as if it's possible she didn't notice something in her eye but Roger did. He tells her he'll get it.
At the time, she was enjoying a piece of pie, and after Roger steals a kiss, she slams the pie in his face.
What you can't see in this picture...
...is the sound of Roger kissing other girls and getting slapped. Or getting food or drink thrown in his face. Doug narrates, "watching Roger, I was suddenly glad I didn't try to steal a kiss from Patti."
Doug has a fantasy about his first kiss.
"I wanted my first kiss to really mean something. To be something special. Not because it was New Year's, but because Patti wanted me to kiss her."
Why the fuck is everything on fire? Oh how romantic. All the poor people's meager possessions are aflame, just like our hearts are for each other.
Doug says he wants his first kiss to be like his parents' kiss, where it means something because they both really care about each other.
Meanwhile, Beebe is chasing down Skeeter to demand a kiss. He relents, and look how happy he is...
That's not enough for her though.
I guess she's better than Roger because she's only forcing one person, but still...inappropriate.
Judy gets her midnight kisses from her sleeping parents.
WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF POPCORN? WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THAT?
Doug is sitting outside the party with a tray of hors d'oeuvres when Patti approaches him, saying she's been looking for him everywhere.
He says he's been looking for her too, but then asks, "where's Guy?"
"Guy? Ugh. Do you believe this whole New Year's Eve was about Guy trying to steal a kiss from me?"
"Steal a kiss? That's bad, isn't it? So, what'd you do?"
"Well, I told him I was just at the party to have fun, and if this whole party was about kissing, then I was leaving!"
"Well, I'm glad you did."
"Me too. At least with you, I can relax about all that kissing stuff. I'm just not ready for that yet."
"Yeah, me neither."
Roger runs up to them to brag about breaking his record. He's covered in food.
He's also committed several counts of sexual battery, and he's openly bragging about it, so the mob of girls that chase him off is understandable. Doug asks Patti if she's hungry and says "there might still be a little pie left that Roger's not wearing,"
