Episode 20: Doug's Minor Catastrophe

This episode begins, as they sometimes do, with Doug watching television. He sees a commercial for a product called Nic-Nacs. Apparently Nic-Nacs help you relax. Like cigarettes, minors can't buy them.


In one of his more observant moments, Doug seems bothered by the fact that Nic-Nacs are advertised during his show, which is apparently called Captain Cavity. I would love to know what this show is about. Presumably it's just a superhero dentist that gets his power from candy, but it's also possibly about a cruise ship's resident proctologist taking over after the ship's original captain got drunk and fell overboard. I would watch either show gladly.

Sometime later, Doug and Skeeter are shopping at a convenience store when Roger starts acting like every minor buying something illegally in every show where that's ever happened. Try to throw off the clerk by mentioning the other adult things you need to buy, then casually mention you want 200 Nic-Nacs. The clerk asks to see some identification. Roger's got that covered.

Or should I say, Cornelius has that covered?

This is the worst fake ID ever made. I'm surprised the picture is actually Roger. Like, when did "NOTFAKE ID CORP" take over the whole licensing process and make IDs the size of post cards? This must be what the clerk was thinking after Roger left with 200 Nic-Nacs.

At school, Doug wonders what Roger plans to do with all those Nic-Nacs. Skeeter says he looked pretty nervous and he must want to relax a lot. Roger shows up with a briefcase and offers to sell them for a dollar.

Doug asks how he can sell them for a dollar when they only cost 60 cents at the store. Roger points out that Doug doesn't have an ID, so he can't buy them at the store anyway.

After school, Roger is sitting outside with his briefcase open, waiting for all his new customers to throw their money at him. No one notices him.

Doug asks him how his plan is going and he says, "it's like nobody realizes they're not supposed to have them." This gives him a plan. The next day he goes to Principal White and tells him a sob story about other kids eating Nic-Nacs.

Principal White, while using Nic-Nacs, promptly makes an announcement to the entire school. Just say no to Nic-Nacs. After school, Roger's business is booming.

Roger will later go to college, graduate with a double major in business and psychology, and make billions selling whatever the hell he wants. Or he'll just grow and sell weed. Who knows? I don't think he cares either way.

Watching the buying frenzy, Doug has a reasonably clever idea for a cartoon for the school newspaper.

The editor, a dude named Guy, fucking loves it. He laughs and everyone laughs and Doug is happy. Until Guy gives him one small note. "Lose the picture, dump the caption and make it an article." He wants 4 columns and it should be more positive. Guy is a shithead. Doug tries to protest by pointing out that Nic-Nacs aren't safe, but Guy has his own shithead dismissals of that silly fact. He points to race cars and asks Doug if they're safe. He points to two kids jumping into and swimming in a quarry and asks Doug if that's safe. He points to some French guy approaching a girl he's never met and asks Doug if that's safe.

His reasoning is "nothing worth having in life is safe." I'm betting he's the guy that dies before high school graduation and everyone has to pretend they're sad instead of just indifferent. You know the guy I'm talking about. It sucks he died, but none of us really liked him because he was a bit of a jerk with no redeemable qualities. Maybe he would have changed some after high school, but instead he did something stupid and died so we'll never know, and the only thing we'll really miss is finding out if he ever became someone worth talking to at the 10 year reunion. Everyone but his closest friends will forget about him the next time one of their classmates dies, because the next one is always someone people actually liked. Anyway, that's Guy.

At Bluffco Industries, Mr. Bluff is playing racquetball while telling Mr. Dink what he needs for the new ad campaign for Nic-Nacs. They need a slogan to go along with the new character. Meet the Nic-Nac Yak.

This bald dude says, "he's edgy. He's sexy. He plays the guitar. We'll make action figures you can take home and dress up like cowboys or rock stars." Mr. Dink is not a fool. He asks who they intend to sell this shit to and the bald dude and Mr. Bluff promptly reply in unison, "adults." Mr. Dink points out that all this would be a great way to get kids to buy Nic-Nacs, if that weren't against the law. Mr. Bluff says Mr. Dink doesn't sound like he's being a team player. Mr. Dink replies that he is a team play, for "human kind." He tells them to write their own slogans and quits. Mr. Dink is kind of awesome.

At the park, Doug starts interviewing people for his article about how awesome Nic-Nacs are. All the kids at the park are popping those things in their mouths except Doug.

Connie says she likes them because they're so cool, relaxing and sophisticated. She then spits her latest Nic-Nac into her cup. I guess I should explain that Nic-Nacs are apparently some sort of star-shaped gummy that you chew for a minute and spit out. They are individually wrapped, so they're also very wasteful. Doug asks Al and Moo if they've tried Nic-Nacs and they freak out a little bit.

They said they never eat them. NEVER! Doug asks them why. They speak in code and run away without their ice cream. Mr. Swirly, or an employee wearing a fancy Mr. Swirly mask, doesn't care that his only customers ran away without paying. Roger approaches Doug and offers him a free sample of Nic-Nacs to try for his article. Doug doesn't want them, but takes them anyway.

After finishing his bullshit article, he shows it to the assistant editor of The Weekly Beebe, Sally.

Sally is unimpressed. Doug asks her what's wrong and she points to the Nic-Nacs he has on the table and asks if he'd try them. When he says, "no," she replies, "bingo." She takes him to the library and says the article doesn't say what Doug really thinks. Doug tries to say he's just writing what Guy wants and she's just like, "Guy, pfft." Because yeah. Guy is a shithead. She gives Doug an example of a reporter exposing the truth about something, and Doug is inspired to have a fantasy.

I'd watch this show. On this episode of Dougline, Doug is going to expose the truth about Nic-Nacs. He gets right to the meat of the story by interviewing the bald dude from earlier (at the racquetball game Doug wasn't at (so how does he know who this bald dude is?)). The bald guy is Ted Willackers (sp?). Here's how it goes:

Doug: Nic-Nacs. They aren't for kids. Are they in fact unsafe?
Ted: Oh no. Nic-Nacs are ju
D: Don't you intend to privateer a lot of booty for these products?
T: Beg your pardon, Doug?
D: Y'know! Bootle! Swag! Plunder! Aren't Nic-Nacs a plot by a bunch of scheming pirates!?
T: I don't know what you're talking about, matey. I...I mean...
D: MATEY!?

Doug then reaches through the satellite feed to unmask Mr. Ted Willackers as the filthy pirate that he is!

This has joined the ranks of my favorite fantasies.

After the fantasy, Doug is really inspired. He asks Sally how he's going to find the truth. She says that's the hard part, and that no one is just going to call him up and give him all the answers. At that moment, an inexplicably placed telephone in the library rings and Sally picks it up. It's for Doug. Someone, Al or Moo, tells him if he wants to know the truth about Nic-Nacs, he should be at the Sleech garage in one hour. Naturally, he shows up.

I love this bit. It's a spoof of the classic trope of the informant in a garage hiding his identity by shining a spotlight on the investigator and standing in the shadows. It does make Doug look exceedingly stupid though, as he's standing in the Sleech garage, so named because it is attached to Al and Moo's house, talking to two guys that sound exactly like Al and Moo, and he asks for their identity. They throw him a package of Nic-Nacs and tell him to read the ingredients.

"Flour. Gelatin. Menthol. Nicoglutinous Monopextorate!?" Doug has a fantasy.

In a hazmat suit, Doug breaks into the laboratory where nicoglutinous monopextorate is produced to steal it. He remarks into his voice recorder, "it is a green liquid."

Doug doesn't escape with the nicoglutinous monopextorate though. The guards shut his doorway out and tell him to hand it over. He throws it on the ground at the feet of one of the guards and a gas cloud surrounds the poor guy. When the cloud clears, the guard has been transformed into the Nic-Nac Yak. In reality, the secret about nicoglutinous monopextorate, while pretty horrible, is not as exciting as a pirate scheme to turn people into dancing anthropomorphic yaks. I mean, would anyone really care if middle school kids were turned into obnoxious corporate mascots? Would anyone even notice a difference?

After the fantasy, there's a short scene involving the B story about Mr. Dink. Since he's quit his job, he's taking the time to finally write a novel. He reads a few lines to Mrs. Dink, but it's shit. He can't write narrative. He can only write slogan.

Doug, being as naive as you'd expect him to be, calls up Bluffco Industries, tells them he's writing an article about how harmful nicoglutinous monopextorate can be, and they swiftly pick him up in a Bluffco Industries van to give him the grand tour.

First there's a 3d movie.

There's not so subtle flashes of  blank screens with lame, blatant attempts at subliminal messaging. After the movie, there's a roller coaster.

Yes, as a part of the tour to sell of a harmful chemical, Bluffco Industries built a roller coaster and named it after the chemical. Nothing so fun could hurt anyone. They drop Doug off at school, all decked out in his free Nic-Nacs swag.

Before the corporate spokesman leaves, Doug asks him if nicoglutinous monopextorate is safe and the guy tells him to bring his friends to ride the roller coaster anytime. The van speeds away and Doug is satisfied. Until Sally asks him if the product is safe. He tries to explain but quickly realizes what's happened. He has another talk about journalism with Sally, and again she says something about how he can't just wait around and wait for calls to give him all the answers before a nearby payphone phone rings and yes, it's Al or Moo for Doug. They tell him to search the internet for side effects of NM (because I'm tired of fucking typing it and I already have Nic-Nacs on ctl-v).

Remember the early days of the internet?

Doug prints off a large amount of information about NM, and because Sally is helping him, nothing about the supermodel of the day. After they leave the library, she remarks on all the reading he has to do, and then invites him to a party. Apparently she's in 8th grade, so Doug realizes it's a big deal to be invited. Obviously, his reaction is basically, "fuck reading about some bullshit. PAAAAARRRTAAAAY!"

At the party, there's a lot of unsettling spitting sounds. Sally notices Roger and his briefcase and asks, "who invited him?" Guy apologizes. He invited Roger because he brings the Nic-Nacs. Sally could have just as easily been asking Doug who invited Guy. Roger gives Guy a free package of Nic-Nacs, and they start passing them around until someone offers one to Doug. Before Doug responds, Sally intervenes.

Doug, having used up all of his ability to be observant, spots Patti and Chalky talking across the room and imagines how the current situation might score points with his crush. Never mind the cool, smart older girl that clearly likes you, Doug. That girl that's clearly at the party with someone else will be impressed by your rejection of the current trendy bullshit.

Like this.

See? How could this go wrong?

Oh, unless Chalky and Patti are doing Nic-Nacs too.

That's not Patti being disgusted by Nic-Nacs. That's Patti mid-spit.

After this, instead of realizing this Sally girl is more his speed, Doug has a fantasy he's at some Nic-Nacs nightclub where the band is playing songs about Nic-Nacs and Patti and Skeeter are front-row, enjoying the shit out of some Nic-Nacs. Patti stops enjoying everything to confront Doug about his article about how Nic-Nacs are bad for you.

The anthropomorphic yaks at the club descend upon him and throw him outside, into a garbage can. He pleads to Patti to let him explain, but she yells back that he doesn't belong there.

At home, Doug struggles to write his article and begins hallucinating. First, Guy encourages him to make his article upbeat.

Then Al or Moo reminds him that Nic-Nacs are a threat to their very way of life.

Then Patti offers him some Nic-Nacs.

Doug gives up and throws his paper in the trash, because recycling isn't cool.

Meanwhile, the Dinks work out Mr. Dink's writing problem. He's not a man of many small words. He's a man of a few big words. Doug discovers this while sitting outside, basking in the sun and the glory of not writing an article that would paint him in an uncool light. Mr. Dink shows off his latest work.

He just writes the headlines. Doug asks him why he quit his old job. He's reluctant at first, but the thought of it gets him so angry he tells Doug he quit because they wanted him to help sell Nic-Nacs to kids. Doug finally gets inspired to do the right thing. On the second page of the long dot-matrix printout, he reads, "shows that nicoglutinous monopextorate can cause temporary juvenile oral paralysis." For some reason, he has to get out the dictionary for the word "paralysis."

He's shocked! Me too. I mean, really, they've got a product that temporary paralyzes the mouths of anyone under the age of 18 and made it illegal for them to purchase it? Fuck that. Give it out for free. Comes free with every movie ticket. Every plane ticket. Mandatory for all children everywhere!

So he writes the article and gives it to Guy. He starts explaining the contents of the article to Guy and gets no response. He gets upset with Guy's lack of response, so Guy tries to explain it to him, though he can't exactly speak.

Either because he's just fucking with Guy, or he's a fucking dumbass, Doug doesn't get it.

Hopefully he's just fucking with Guy, playing dumb to further frustrate the kid with the paralyzed mouth.

In the end, Doug's article gets printed in the school paper, and then in the Bluffington Gazette, thanks to Mr. Dink. Nic-Nacs swiftly fall out of fashion with the kids. Patti and Chalky are especially thankful for Doug's hard work.

Doug tries to gloat a bit, but Guy interrupts, trying to sell the next big stupid thing called Klankeroos, from the makers of Nic-Nacs. No one accepts. Not even Roger.

What's wrong with Al and Moo? I realize it would just make the episode a lot shorter, but there's no reason they couldn't just tell Doug what he needs to know.

And what's wrong with the adults in Bluffington? They've always been pretty damn useless, but here, the only one that even attempts to do anything is Principal White. It is a poor attempt. After that, the kids are all hanging out in the park, obviously using Nic-Nacs. Roger is blatantly selling them out of a briefcase in front of the school. Doug brings them to school. Everyone at Sally's party is doing them. Mr. Swirly's got his ice cream truck surrounded by kids popping Nic-Nacs and his only two customers are scared off by some shithead kid trying to write an article about how cool Nic-Nacs are. Fuck doing the right thing for the right reason. Call the cops on all those kids because they aren't buying ice cream from you. Mr. Dink quits his job so he doesn't help sell them to kids, but he could easily help Doug or the local newspaper with information about the company's attempts to market the product to kids. This is the best the town can do.

And Doug. Poor Doug. Sally is clearly what he should be chasing, instead of Patti. This is another example of Doug's idea of Patti being so unlike the real Patti that Doug should finally realize she's not right for him. He won't. He dwells on her so much he just can't see reality even when it spits on him and mocks him for a loser. Even then, he just wipes the spit off his face and prepares an umbrella called "fuck it" to guard against the mocking.

Episode 16: Doug's Hot Dog

"Bluffington was always a quiet, happy place. Then...the thing came to town."


The thing lands with an explosion. Nondescript townspeople flee from it, clutching their most cherished possessions for some reason. A man carries a tv. A woman carries a sheep. Another man carries a bowling trophy. Whatever the thing is, these people don't want it to get their meager possessions and farm animals.

More explosions and flashes of light reveal nothing of the nature of the thing. Sirens blare as the army rolls in on a tank. After some crushing sounds off screen, the battered tank rolls away defeated. Patti wails in her usual manner, "who can stop that thing!?" It's time for Doug to step up.

Doug says this is all his fault. He started it and now he has to face it. No one disagrees with him. Except me, I guess. I mean, if it started when something fell out of the sky and started destroying everything War of the Worlds-style, I don't understand how Doug could possibly think he started it.

In reality, nothing falls from the sky. Doug and Skeeter are just having a nice day riding bikes. Doug suggests they go home because the sun is going down. Skeeter says they don't need to go home because he has plenty of reflective tape. He then uses the whole roll on himself and I guess if a car swerves to avoid a bright Skeeter and plows into Doug, everything will be okay.

Meanwhile Al and Moo are using a telescope to look for aliens. Because Skeeter is glowing green, they mistake him for an alien. This suggests they need to aim their telescope higher. However, according to their data, a UFO will be landing tonight, right where they are standing. This suggests they need to move over a few feet at least.

Skeeter looks at their calculations for a second and tells them they forgot to carry a two. Skeeter works out their calculations correctly and says the UFO will land next week. He then argues with Al and Moo over the exact spot. This suggests that the three of them are actually really stupid. Doug leaves.

On the way home, a cute dog with a red ball starts following Doug. He ignores it until it jumps in front of his bike, forcing him to stop.

The dog makes him throw the red ball. After throwing it, he quickly gets back on his bike and starts riding. Well that's the end of tha...nope. Two seconds later the dog barks and Doug looks and the dog now has a basketball. What the fuck? He starts to ask the dog where it got the basketball but the basketball's owners have already spotted him.

They yell at him, telling him he has to control his dog. He protests that it's not his dog, then tells the dog to go away. He starts riding away and seconds later the dog comes hopping along beside him with a fucking pizza.

The pizza delivery guy is pissed. He demands that Doug tell his dog to give back the pizza. After an impossible tug-of-war with the pizza, the dog lets go and the delivery guy falls back and slams the pizza into his chest. He grabs an empty box from his car and puts the pizza back where it belongs.

After the pizza guy drives away, Doug tells the dog to go home. The dog starts to walk away looking sad, but then Doug realizes it's just lost. He accepts the dog and says, "don't worry. You're not lost anymore. Now you're found!" So he takes the stupid dog home. The good news is that it's pizza night at the Funnie house.

Phil says it tastes fuzzy. Only a Funnie would say that about a food they intended to continue eating. Judy is the first to notice the dog. She thinks it's adorable. While the whole family starts fawning over the dog, Doug says he's not like Porkchop. He's more like a real dog. Porkchop, who couldn't be bothered to look at the dog lest his salad goes unmade, takes offense.

Theda points out that having a dog is a lot of responsibility, which I guess indicates she agrees that Porkchop is not like a real dog. Doug points out it's only until he finds the dog's owners. Judy asks, "what if nobody claims it?" This makes Porkchop very upset.

Upstairs, Doug decides to make some found puppy posters. Porkchop is eager to get this shit over with, and quickly retrieves a piece of paper that already has all the information written on it. Then he takes a picture of the dog and shows it to Doug and the dog for approval.

The dog does not approve. Doug doesn't care. Porkchop slaps the photo on the paper and the poster is finished. Doug puts the one poster up the next day. He says he only put one up because he didn't want to over-do it. Obviously he just wants to keep the dog at the moment. Porkchop is starting to get really pissed.

Later, the whole family is again fawning over the shitty dog. Porkchop hops up to the piano and starts playing.

The family ignores him while the shitty dog burps. The family loves that the shitty dog burps.

While feeding the shitty dog, Porkchop tries to get some attention by acting more like a dog. Doug tells him to stop acting silly.

For some reason, the Funnies invited the Bluff family over for dinner. Phil expresses his excitement for the occasion. Mr. Bluff points out that they "were curious what the simple folk do." Everyone ignores this insult. Theda makes it less of an insult by serving up portions of the main course, which is of course "weenie casserole au Mexi-Cali."

Beebe, perhaps because she's not very smart, asks, "this isn't French, is it?" Phil says it isn't, but the fries are. No one is amused.

Under the table, Porkchop notices the shitty dog is about to attack Beebe. He leaps but the shitty dog leaps too.

Then Porkchop leaps again and pushes the shitty dog out of the way. Somehow no one noticed the shitty dog and Porkchop takes all the blame. It makes no sense. Porkchop points at the shitty dog, indicating it was the culprit.

No one believes him and Doug puts him outside. Back inside everyone is again fawning over the shitty dog. It burps again and everyone thinks it is cute. Porkchop is fucking pissed.

Meanwhile, there's more B-plot with Al and Moo and the search for extra-terrestrial life. Also, one of them is in love with Judy. None of this pans out for them.

Finally, the shitty dog starts to be a problem for Doug. First, as he's leaving to go see a movie with Skeeter, Theda asks if he's walked the dog. Second, as he's watching tv and eating cake, Judy tells him about the shitty dog using the bathroom on the floor of the kitchen.

After school, Patti invites him to play beetball. Excited, he quickly remembers he has to go home to feed the puppy.

Judy wakes Doug up early to walk the dog. Also, rain.

The shitty dog just wants to play in the rain. Then there's this.

The dog, as indicated from the first time Doug met it, is just an asshole.

Mr. Dink sees how stressed Doug is and offers his advice. Unfortunately, his advice only applies to robotic dogs.

After a short scene where Porkchop watches a commercial advertising puppies (seriously), the shitty dog commits its latest atrocity.

It has destroyed a Shakespeare book Judy borrowed special from a museum. Why did she borrow it from a museum? Doesn't she already have the complete works of her favorite playwright? Why did she leave this special book anywhere that it could possibly be damaged by anything? These questions are not answered.

After Doug finally makes countless found puppy posters (by hand (because Doug is apparently not aware that humans have had the technology to make copies for centuries)), he tries to pass the dog off onto Patti.

This is among the worst ideas he's ever had. I know he's stressed. I know he's desperate to be rid of the shitty dog. I know Patti thought the dog was cute. But I also know Doug is in love with Patti and he knows the shitty dog is an asshole. When Patti said she wished she had a dog like this at home, he should have told her what a shitty little asshole it is. Instead, he just gives her the dog. And how does that work out?

The shitty dog either ate or buried all of her sports equipment. Up next is Chalky. Chalky thinks the dog is cute, so Doug passes him off without a word. The shitty dog spends the whole night howling at the moon, keeping Chalky awake all night. He falls asleep during his football game the next day. Ned takes the dog next and the dog destroys his garage.

"Before long, I had run out of volunteers."

After this there's a lot of B-plot with Al, Moo, and Skeeter sending images into space. After sending a map of Bluffington, they argue about what else to send. One wants to send a poster of Hamlet featuring Judy (portraying Hamlet for some reason), one wants to send photos from their vacation and their math joke book, and one wants to send a copy of Man O Steel Man. The one pining for Judy comes to his senses and they laugh at Skeeter for his love of comics.

Doug continues complaining to himself about the shitty dog. Judy has an idea though. She knows two weird guys that might like a weird dog. Doug thinks it's hopeless and she thinks it couldn't hurt to ask. So here she is asking.

Actually, they won't let her ask. The one in love with her does that thing people in tv shows do where they think the person they are infatuated with felt the same way, so they make a big deal out of ending the whole nothing.

And now for something strange. Doug, walking home from who knows where, notices a bunch of torn up pages from Man 'O Steel Man comics after a page hits him in the face. The pages are clearly flying out of his front door, but he's still just like, "man, someone will be sorry they tore this up."

Finally, once he's inside his house and he's picked up several pages, he realizes it's got to be his collection. Of course the shitty dog has torn them up, and apparently created a nice wind current that carried them down the stairs and out the open front door. Bluffington is such a nice, crime-free town, you don't even have to close your front door.

Finally, Doug does the smartest thing he's done the entire episode. He abandons the dog where he found it.

Unfortunately, he has, I don't know, a conscience, and as he's cleaning up his comic book collection, he realizes what he's done because of this fantastic fantasy where he watches the shitty dog ride some sort of river trash or ice or something over a waterfall.

Downstairs, Doug asks Porkchop for help finding the dog. Initially excited to get any attention from Doug, Porkchop sits down and resumes his tv watching. Doug finally realizes he's been mean to Porkchop too.

And what show about a crazy young man would be complete without the crazy young man being comforted and reassured by his dog?

So Porkchop decides to help a depressed Doug find a dog they both hate.

Meanwhile, Al and Moo continue their search for extra-terrestrial life in the park. They're dressed in some sort of suits that wouldn't protect them from anything.

In the grips of insanity, Mr. Bluff has purchased a blimp and at the moment, he is demanding that the pilot use the blimp's lasers to spell his name in the sky. The pilot says it's not quite ready. Mr. Bluff doesn't care. When the lasers are activated, they malfunction and shoot at the ground. Al and Moo see the lasers, assume it is aliens, and are greeted by the shittiest coincidence. The dog walks over the hill from where they saw the lasers hit.

So here's your fucking alien. Doug sees them talking to the local news. He starts to go tell them it's just a dog, but Porkchop stops him. Good job, Porkchop.

So, I get where Doug is coming from with his first fantasy now. Sure, the dog didn't literally fall out of the sky. It was abandoned by someone like Doug. With good reason. But he did pass it off on several people and it fucked up a lot of shit in the short week it was getting passed around. It's entirely his fault that everyone else runs away from the dog. I just wish we got to see the next day or two at the Sleech house. Because the first day or two and the Funnie house was wonderful. Everyone loved that dog (except Porkchop). Not enough to give it a name, but enough to forget they already had a dog. They vow to take care of the alien until the UFO comes back for it, but unless that happens the next day (it won't (Mr. Bluff fired the blimp pilot)) they are going to abandon the dog in a week.