Episode 23: Doug Oh Baby

This episode begins with a rather long fantasy about Professor Porkchoppy and Flash Asimov.

Guess who’s who! They’re going to be shrunk down so they can go on a fantastic voyage into Judy’s inner space to find out what makes her so annoying. According to Dr. Skeeter, their ship has a kickin’ stereo. So the fantasy goes on, and Dr. Skeeter shoots them up her nose, Flash Asimov makes a joke about not seeing a brain, and then locates the problem: “a malfunctioning rung in Judy’s DNA ladder.” I don’t want to make a joke about what Judy would actually be like if one pair of her chromosomes were broken or missing, so I’ll just leave it.

Before Professor Porkchoppy and Flash Asimov can do anything about Judy’s broken DNA, they are attacked by “big sister genes.” Dr. Skeeter removes them from Judy and restores their original size, but it’s too late. They are already zombies quoting Shakespeare. As one of the big sister genes starts to grow to enormous size, Dr. Skeeter sets off the alarm and yells for everyone to escape before they are turned into performance artists.

After the fantasy, Doug says having a new baby can be fun, but complains that it hurts his eyes. His parents are obsessively taking pictures of her.

After this one and several more, Doug jokes that they haven’t taken a picture of the back of her right ear yet. Naturally, Phil agrees and makes Doug hold her in a way that allows for such a picture to be taken. Doug is surprised by his father’s inability to spot a joke.

After several rounds of pictures, including wearing a hat and sitting in a hat, the Funnies invite the Valentines over to show off pictures of Dirtbike.

Mrs. Valentine points out that Dale has never seen a little baby before, which is hard to believe. How can that be true? Have they kept him isolated from other children? Why are they doing that? What do they do when they’re out and happen to cross the path of any couple that has a little baby, or are babies so scarce in Bluffington that Disney’s Doug is the animated prequel to Children of Men? As Dale stares as Dirtbike, we get to see his thought process as he tries to understand what she is. He comes to the conclusion that she is a camel.

After that Mr. Valentine says they’re going to have Dale tested to see if he’s a genius like Skeeter. He can’t remember the word “genius” or his son’s name. He even calls his son “the blue kid.” This is thoroughly confusing considering the whole family is the same color. Dale wipes his nose on his sleeve and Mr. Valentine takes this as proof of genius because most kids would just let their nose run. Then Dale finds an empty cookie box and places it over his entire head saying, “me cookie head monkey!” And then we hear Dirtbike think, “if this kid is a genius, I’m a camel!”

This isn’t framed as one of Doug’s fantasies, but it’s safe to assume he’s taken quite a few liberties in describing scenes like this where he wasn’t present. He didn’t witness this, but he knows Skeeter’s parents gave his parents the idea to see if Dirtbike might be a genius. He just filled in the gaps with whatever bullshit he felt like writing. It continues too.

As his parents discuss having her tested, they begin having their own fantasies that exaggerate her abilities. Because she’s throwing her toys so far, she’s a basketball star.

Phil has other plans. On a late show, the world famous photographer, astronomer, holder of the tennis world championship, and neurosurgeon is performing her new hit record.

With such high expectations, I’m sure she’ll never disappoint her parents.

Of course this is all Doug’s speculation of their expectations and fantasies. Unless he’s hiding in their room and spying on all their conversations. I suppose that’s possible. Anyway, they get her tested.

The test is a bunch of stupid bullshit and she seems to fail every one of them because she is a newborn baby. At home later, Phil and Theda tell Doug and Judy she has the intelligence of an 8 month old. They both start revealing their plans to make Dirtbike like them. Doug has bought her art supplies and comics and Judy insists she’s going to be a great actor too. Doug realizes she might end up being too much like Judy and has a fantasy.

Doug wants her to come play beetball and read comics at Skeeter’s, but she calls his interests immature and trivial. She then leaves with Judy to rehearse for pee-wee Shakespeare.

In Doug’s mind, the first step in making sure Dirtbike is nothing like Judy is to make her into a new sidekick for Quailman. She is the Bandicoot Kid.

In this, Dirtbike is still too young to talk, so Doug gets around this by writing that she communicates telepathically. When Quailman spots the Quail-signal, he throws the Bandicoot Kid into the air and yells, “fly away!” In the boring downtime of travel, the Bandicoot Kid asks Quailman what a bandicoot is, and he starts to explain but the Judy-dra interrupts. I like to think that he would have told her that bandicoots can’t fly or communicate telepathically.

Quailman defeats the Judy-dra by complimenting one of the heads. The other heads get jealous and they start fighting each other, get their necks tangled up and fall to the ground, defeated.

After the Quailman thing, Doug is showing the comic to Dirtbike and trying to get her to dislike Judy. He’s got her blowing raspberries at the arguing Judy-dra.

Tonight, Phil and Theda are going out until 10:00 pm. Doug and Judy are babysitting. Judy immediately tries to get rid of Doug so she can watch the baby alone. Doug has a short fantasy where Judy is a stereotypical gypsy hypnotist, hypnotizing Dirtbike to make her enjoy Shakespeare.

Doug also tries to get rid of Judy. He tells her to go get a cup of chino and she gets a little angry at him. She corrects him and calls him a yokel. As she’s tucking Dirtbike into bed, she asks, “isn’t he boorish?”

I like this picture because it looks like Doug and Judy are going to smother Dirtbike. Anyway, Doug gets angry and amends the Quailman comic. As Quailman stands proud on his victory, the Bandicoot Kid reveals herself to be a double agent. After freeing the Judy-dra, she changes costume to become the Poetry Girl. After freezing Quailman and Quaildog in huge blocks of ice, Judy-dra and Poetry Girl simply read poetry to them.

Quailman can’t escape the horror.

After the fantasy, Judy reminds Doug that it’s almost 8:00 pm and he needs to feed Mr. Dink’s plant. The plant is called the venus cheese trap. The plant eats cheese. In a flashback, Mr. Dink explains the details and demonstrates one of the most common mistakes people make in feeding the venus cheese trap.

Mrs. Dink says this happens 3 times a day before it spits out Mr. Dink. He points out the plant is completely vegetarian.

As Doug is leaving, the phone rings and it’s for Judy. She tells him to watch the baby, so he takes her over to the Dink’s. Unfortunately for him, Judy finds his Quailman comic, then sees across the yard that he’s trying to get Dirtbike to respond positively to Man o’ Steel Man comics and negatively to Judy’s Shakespeare book. She rushes over and confronts him with the Quailman comic. He wants the comic back and she wants Shakespeare back. He throws the book outside rather smugly, as if he’s won. He somehow completely forgot about the comic. When Judy threatens to destroy it, he rushes outside and they start this business.

While this is going on, the Dink’s electric door closer shuts the front door and locks it. Doug left the keys inside next to Dirtbike. He suggests they teach her unlock the door. Judy basically tells him this plan is impossible and he tells her to shut up. They then imagine their parents’ reaction.

Judy is about to try something with the windows when Doug stops her because of the alarms. She then suggests they tunnel in like in The Countess of Monte Cristo, in which she got great reviews. He asks how long that would take and she says, “with a spoon? 20 years.” And the award for least practical idea goes to…

Meanwhile, Phil is too tired to stay out as long as they planned so they start heading home early.

Doug’s idea really isn’t practical either. He wants to use a fishing pole to lower Porkchop into the chimney. Then Porkchop can unlock the door for them.

Obviously, this was never going to work, because he’d have to be above the chimney to lower anything into it, and Porkchop is too heavy for the fishing pole. It snaps before Doug can even wonder how he was going to get Porkchop into the chimney from the ground. I guess it’s just as impractical as Judy’s plan, but at least he was thinking in terms of minutes and not years. What’s wrong with Judy?

Finally they decide to call the security company. The company will send someone over and that person will open the door for them. Unfortunately, the guy asks for the code. Doug doesn’t know the code. It wasn’t a terrible idea, but the security company would go out of business if they just opened the doors for anyone that called and said they were locked out.

But Doug has another idea: set off the alarm. The guy will have to come back and open the door then, if only to turn off the alarm. The alarm is crazy. Loudspeakers and fireworks and fake dogs. It puts Dirtbike to sleep but all the neighbors come out to complain. Anyway, the plan works too well. In addition to the neighbors, there’s police, EMT, firemen, someone in a helicopter, all wondering what the hell is going on.

So they get in and now have to figure out how to get rid of the crowd. Judy says she’s got this. She walks outside and starts singing America the Beautiful. The crowd starts to join her before Doug stops them and says he’ll just tell everyone what happened. He starts apologizing and telling everyone to go home. But then Phil and Theda pull up wondering what’s going on. Judy tells them Doug just locked the key in the house and set off the alarm trying to get in through the window. Doug readily admits that he locked Dirtbike in there too, and Judy sticks up for him again. She says he never let her out of his sight (I guess he was able to retrieve the fishing pole and talk to the security guy in the street without taking his eye off her). But what good is Doug’s eyesight if Dirtbike gets into Mr. Dink’s very expensive collection of rat poison?

After Judy says Doug will be a good big brother, he promises it will never happen again. Instead of saying, “obviously! We’ll just get a responsible babysitter next time,” Phil says, “well if it ever does, remember that Bud keeps a spare key over here.”

It was at least hidden behind a bush, but thanks for showing all the neighbors where it is, Phil.

In the end, Doug realizes it wouldn’t be terrible if he had another Judy. He also mentions that Dirtbike is actually acting more like Porkchop. She tries to drink his water and he’s teaching her how to dance.

Doug is pretty crazy in this episode and he’s trying as hard as he can to make everyone else look worse. His parents are obsessed morons who hope their infant daughter will be a basketball star, photographer, astronomer, tennis champ and rock star before she’s two. Also they need all the pictures from all the angles or else the scrapbook will be incomplete. Judy is dishonest and has the shittiest plans imaginable. She wants to turn Dirtbike against him.

Except she doesn’t do anything like that. She might make fun of him a bit, but she understands the baby doesn’t know what she’s saying. Doug actively tries to get Dirtbike to dislike Judy and the things she enjoys most. That’s fucking insane. But we’re just supposed to forget all that because he’s honest. How convenient that his honesty exposes Judy’s dishonesty.

Episode 15: Doug's Secret Christmas

This episode begins with a Grinch parody that really doesn't relate to the story at all. First, Roger is the Grinch.

He sneaks down the chimney and is disappointed to find the Funnie house is entirely empty of Christmas cheer. Where did it go? It was already bagged up by this Doug Grinch!

And that's it. It makes no sense, and nothing in the episode makes it make sense. Doug doesn't steal his family's Christmas.

After this pointless fantasy, Doug talks about the various traditions of Bluffington families. Skeeter's is my favorite, because he just stocks up on snacks and watches every Christmas special, including the one about Porkchop getting arrested for biting Beebe.

Disney: Not allowed to look like Nickelodeon; Watching it is perfectly okay.

Mr. Dink spends the entirety of this episode trying to fix his crappy Santa display. Right now it's saying "hubba hubba hubba." It only says, "ho ho ho," as he's finally taking it down.

At the Funnie house, Doug starts Christmas the day after Thanksgiving by decorating his room. Then a few days before Christmas, the family puts up the tree.

Please note the slice of pizza just above Porkchop's head.

The night after that, Phil puts up the lights on the house. Then after the last day of school, Doug and Judy put up the stockings. On Christmas Eve, they visit Grandma Funnie for fruitcake and presents. Before all of this though, Doug has to make his list.

So we see Doug making his list and asking Porkchop if he should ask for in-line skates or a dirtbike, as if those are even remotely in the same price range. Porkchop makes a noise that could mean literally anything because he's a dog, and Doug says, "maybe you're right; both." He checks them off on his list that only has one more item on it (Beets box set). Satisfied with his list, he goes downstairs to find his mother.

Theda is working with Judy on some breathing exercises while Phil just reads in that other room back there. Theda tells Judy she still has a month before the baby is due, so this shit isn't necessary (because being prepared and knowing that premature babies happen is for young people). Instead of bothering them, Doug walks into the other room to give his list to Phil.

Doug asks if he has a second to talk, and he nervously says he wanted to talk too. He walks to the doorway to check to see they're alone, and he finally starts the talk. He wants to tell Doug where babies come from. That book he was reading is called "How It's Done: The Birds & Bees Story." I think it's a little weird that he read this book to prepare to give Doug the talk instead of just giving the book to Doug.

Doug finally realizes what Phil has been talking about since summer when he's been talking about fish and vampires and the combustion engine. Without shame, Doug explains that he learned about sex in school and explains the whole thing to Phil. Phil is relieved and thanks him, saying he guesses they left a few things out when he was a kid. Most likely they still leave a few things out and Doug just happened to get lucky that his school didn't suck at teaching one subject.

After the talk, Phil mentions that there's not going to be a lot of time for Christmas presents and all that stuff. Doug didn't even get to ask for a dirtbike. He quickly hides his Christmas list behind his back and says he was working on a list of baby names. Judy steals the list and laughs at his suggestions, because In-line Skates and Dirtbike would be laughable names. Judy says she likes the name Cleopatra before Doug chases her up the stairs.

The good news is that the outside of Beebe Bluff Middle School is finished.

I now have a hard time believing they ever had trouble thinking of a name for the school.

I don't quite know what to make of this scene. Beebe approaches Doug to tell him her dad won't make the servants work on Christmas, and her family is going snorkeling in Beluba (?) as usual (?) and she wants Doug to feed her fish.

At first, I thought this meant she thought Doug was among her best friends, but her mention of servants obviously makes me think otherwise. Doug doesn't question her thought process as much as me and accepts the unpaid job, so maybe I'm the crazy one. Suddenly, Fentruck jumps out of a nearby garbage can, shouting gibberish.

Fentruck was trying to scare Doug and Beebe. He explains that Christmas is the scariest day of the year in Yakostonia. He says everyone dresses up in costumes and goes door to door and blah blah blah it's Halloween. Roger tries to point out that it's just Halloween, but Fentruck just tells him that's how his country celebrates this time of year.

On the way home from school, Doug walks by the place where his family buys their Christmas trees. The tree salesman Mr. Chestnut (sounding a bit like Pat Buttram) recognizes Doug and calls him his best customer, because that's what they all say. Doug says he's just looking but will be back with his dad in a little bit. At home, he finds that Phil has already taken care of the tree.

Phil wants Doug to put it together while he takes Theda to birth buddy classes. I guess that's a thing. Probably just a stupid name for lamaze classes. Doug doesn't bother to finish the tree.

The next day is the last day of school, so Doug puts on his scarf and heads off to class. Fentruck gives everyone a traditional Yakostonesian feast, which involves apple bobbing, cotton candy and dancing around dressed as a ghost. Roger protests.

After school, Doug and Skeeter go shopping for some last minute gifts. Doug looks at some earrings and a woman suggests some earrings that look like tiny speakers. He imagines how that will work out.

Patti doesn't like them. They will cause her to go deaf. He asks the woman for something smaller and quieter. She shows him something and he says he'll see if he has enough money. Before he can count it, Skeeter calls him over to show him a Christmas tree waffle iron.

Christmas tree waffles used to be part of his family tradition until he ruined his dad's Christmas tree waffle iron making some stupid shit that shouldn't have been made of waffles. He wants to get it for his dad, but he doesn't have enough money, Doug makes up the difference.

Best friend ever?

At home, Doug wonders what he can buy Patti with his remaining $.63. He quickly realizes his best option is to make something for her. In the kitchen, he grabs the flour and sea salt. In the garage, he cuts some wire and starts working with miscellaneous bullshit. After painting the earrings, he puts them in the oven. Theda asks him what he's cooking and he says it's something for Patti. "But don't ask a lot of questions. It's a surprise."

When he takes them out of the oven, he tells Theda he still needs to work on them a little. As he walks away, she mentions that she hopes someone has time to finish working on the Christmas tree. He mutters to himself that it's not a tree as he climbs the stairs to his room.

When he finishes the gift, he wraps it up, marks off the day on his calendar and heads off to Mr. Swirly's to meet Patti. It's the last day he'll get to see her before she leaves for her grandparents'. And finally, we get to see Doug's gift completed, which looks exactly the same as it did before he put it in the oven. It's earrings. Ear earrings.

Doug van Gogh, everybody!

Patti loves her ear earrings, and gives Doug his gift. She insists he doesn't open it until Christmas. Totally fair.

On the way home, Doug stops by Beebe's to feed her fish. Her fish are piranha and they eat raw steak. While there, he observes some of Roger's Christmas traditions.

My favorite part of the Christmas story was when baby Jesus sang carols with four wise clowns while the shepherds practiced break dancing.

On the way home, Doug passes Chalky's house and finds their family playing football. All this shit makes him wish for a more old fashioned Christmas. He has a fantasy where his family does this and it's ridiculous. After entering  the cabin they don't live in, Phil welcomes him to the Funnie family Christmas special. He's just in time for the big finish when the barn comes apart. The cabin (barn?) splits and a big ice skating number with one of The Beets singing happens around the family.

This is Doug's idea of an old fashioned Christmas....

After the fantasy, Doug runs across Al and Moo. They are dressed in clothes with flashing Christmas lights. They are also confused because Mr. Dink's Santa display is now repeating "blah blah blah." They inquire about the lack of decorations on his house and he feels sad. Inside, he asks when they'll be going to Grandma Funnie's. Theda breaks the news that they aren't going. Shit just keeps getting worse.

In his room, Porkchop is finishing his Christmas cards way too late.

Seriously?

Doug complains about the lack of everything and imagines what Christmas will actually be like. He has a short fantasy with his family sitting wordlessly around the breakfast table. Phil stops reading the newspaper long enough to mutter, "merry Christmas." The end. After the fantasy, Doug goes to get a real tree.

Back at the only place that sells Christmas trees in Bluffington (apparently), Mr. Chestnut has one tree left.

It's free. Walking home, Doug tells Porkchop that even if nobody else cares about Christmas, they'll have their own secret Christmas.

Back home, Doug and Porkchop exchange gifts. Porkchop got Doug a new journal. Amazingly thoughtful for a dog.

Doug got Porkchop a "World's Greatest Dog" mug.

Porkchop tries to act like he likes it, but you can tell he thinks it sucks.

After the exchange, Doug pouts in his room, waiting for anyone else that wants to celebrate Christmas to join them. It's absurd because he called it their very own secret Christmas earlier. Now he expects everyone to know and join them. He turns on the radio while he waits. At the end of the song, the dj announces that was a dedication from Doug to himself. The lack of other people makes him upset and he heads downstairs to see what's going on. This is when he finally notices that no one is actually home. The phone rings and it's Phil. They're at the hospital.

They thought they had another week, but in all the rush and confusion they forgot Doug. So, bam.

New Jesus?

Doug asks, "what's her name?"

Phil: "We decided to use the names you and Judy came up with."
Doug and Judy: "Our names?"
Theda: "Douglas...Judy...meet Cleopatra Dirtbike Funnie."

Nope. Nope nope nope. What kind of drugs did they give Theda and why did they give Phil some too?

So after getting home from the hospital, the Funnie family decided to throw a Christmas party. Who cares if it's a couple of days late? Everyone showed up and had a great time. Also, what a great time to host a party! You've got a two day old child and you haven't had time to do anything around the house. Better invite the whole town over!

Anyway, at the party, Mr. Valentine thanks Doug for what he did for Skeeter. Fentruck keeps fucking with Roger regarding his country's traditions. He explains that Yakostonian Halloween is basically American Easter. Roger drops to the floor and acts like a child.

Doug suggests that having a baby be their new annual tradition. It is not a well received joke. I include this picture because I'm just glad they invited the clown.

Finally, Patti makes Doug open his gift. With his sister being born, he forgot. There's no reason he couldn't have opened it at Mr. Swirly's. She made him a scarf.

It's so wide at one end that he can't tell what it is. She says it gets tiny at the other end because she ran out of yarn. Doug is impressed since she hates knitting. They say merry Christmas to each other and she hugs him before wandering off.

So that's it. Doug's secret Christmas is basically a pity party he threw for himself to spite his family for being too preoccupied with the birth of his little sister. Even worse, he expects his family to know about his secret Christmas and join him, assuming they want to wise up and recognize what's really important: dead trees and material goods.

Remember the Grinch fantasy? What's up with that? It's pretty much the opposite of what's going on here. Doug wants to have a traditional Christmas. Instead of stealing traditional Christmas from anyone, Roger repeatedly complains about someone doing it wrong. Granted, Fentruck's wrong way of doing it is traditional for himself, the fantasy shows him trying to steal Christmas from the Funnie's. Unless he's the father of Cleopatra Dirtbike, he did no such thing.

It may be February and Presidents' Day may be my favorite holiday, but merry Christmas everyone! Also happy new years, halloween, Chanukah, and so on in that fashion until we get to leap day.

And yes, I am aware that Cleopatra Dirtbike was named by the fans.

Episode 8: Doug's Bloody Buddy

This episode begins with a Scooby Doo fantasy.

As Shaggy, Doug leads the gang into the cemetery to find the Bluffington Vampire. One by one, the gang is trapped or kidnapped without Doug noticing. Finally, all alone, Doug walks into a mausoleum, saying they finally found the vampire. Then he turns around to see a monster behind him and he's surprised by who it is because he's watched enough Scooby Doo to know the five main characters, but not enough to know he should never be surprised by who it is. Anyway, we don't see who the monster really is, and Doug says "zoinks" before the fantasy ends.

At school, Connie has taken up a new hobby. She's started spreading rumors. Her first rumor of the day is that Skunky has detention through his 21st birthday. People are shocked! Annoyed, Beebe drags Connie away, saying they should go to Mr. Swirly's. Connie says she heard Mr. Swirly's was haunted. She's not even making up believable rumors.

In pointing out that it's almost Halloween, Doug mentions the school has bats hanging out in the tower. Connie says bats like staying near their master, and so someone in the school must be the Bat Master; a vampire. Connie's first guess is Ms. Crystal. Doug has a fantasy. Her desk is now a coffin and she dresses like this.

She scares the whole class, but then just starts reading Dracula to them. After the fantasy, Skunky suggests it could be Mr. Crushy (?) because they don't know anything about him. This guy is a construction worker trying to finish the school. After Skunky points him out, we see Bob White yelling at him to get rid of the bats. Mr. Crushy tells him he can't because he's scared of bats. Connie suggests they just keep watching the tower. Whoever is the Bat Master will have to go up there to check on his loyal subjects.

In band class, the band leader is yelling about how winning music wins football games. Connie takes this opportunity to start another rumor; the Bloatsburg band leader has a spy in their classroom to steal their plans for the big game.

The band leader takes this seriously and implements Plan B. He won't tell any of the students what Plan B is because he doesn't know which one is spying. Later in the episode he cancels practice to work on Plan B alone. At the end, Connie finally tells him she made up the rumor about the spy right before Plan B goes off. He rushes to stop Plan B, but it's too late. A ridiculous setup triggers and a small container pops up in front of Bloatsburg's band leader. The container opens and a bee starts flying around the band leader, causing him to wave his arms and conduct the band very poorly. It's all very silly.

After school, Doug asks Skunky if he's seen Skeeter. Instead of answering, Skunky asks Doug if he could be the Bat Master without knowing it. Doug says he'd be up in the tower with the bats if he was the Bat Master. Skunky is dumb. Also, he just spotted Skeeter walking up to the tower with the bats.

Oh fuck. Skeeter's a vampire. At Skeeter's house, Doug is playing a game where Frankenstein's monster is fighting a mummy when he asks Skeeter for some water.

While Skeeter's gone, Doug starts searching his room for evidence to support the vampire theory. In one drawer, he finds a bloody hook, a monkey's paw, and an opera cd. These aren't proof of anything. Perfectly normal.

In the cupboard under the stairs he finds a coffin. Inside the coffin he finds a delightfully contradictory "Vampire Day Planner."

In the planner Skeeter has written out the times that he had planned to bite certain people. And Patti is next! Doug leaves and rides his bike to Patti's. When he tells her, she laughs. It's too late.

Skeeter bit her yesterday. Doug's on his schedule for tonight. He's already bitten everyone else.

Oh, and this is all a dream. Of course.

Doug is so scared from his dream he falls out of his bed. Climbing back up from the floor, tiny bat versions of Patti and Skeeter scare him again.

It's another dream. Doug wakes up and falls out of bed again, then mentions that he hates double dreams.

At school the next day, Doug is trying to tell everyone that the Bat Master might be one of them. Skeeter says there's no such thing as a Bat Master.

After he walks away, Skunky pops up to tell everyone he saw Skeeter up in the tower yesterday. Connie takes Skeeter's denial of the reality of vampires as proof that he's just covering up the fact that he's the Bat Master. Connie is dumb.

At home, Doug decides he needs to ask his dad about vampires. He walks into the family dark room, and asks, "could you tell me about preternatural phenomena?"

Being as useless as ever, Phil thinks he's asking about sex. Doug quickly stops him and asks specifically about vampires. Phil continues with what he was saying about sex, but the hypothetical man and woman are now vampires. No help at all.

The next morning everyone at school is convinced that Skeeter is a vampire. Doug denies the rumor and asks for proof. Connie says he's blue, the color of the undead. Doesn't fuck my theory if all the kids are crazy like Doug, which they clearly are. Roger says Skeeter could only be as smart as he is if he was 200 years old. Willie points out that Skeeter has a bandage on his finger, and then says vampires wrap themselves in bandages. When Doug points out he's thinking of mummies, Willie is shocked to learn that Skeeter is a mummy too.

Connie knows she just made this shit up. Why is she actually believing it instead of just laughing at the whole school? Ignoring all this shit, Beebe walks up to show off her new jacket that's wired for cable tv. She's trying to make nouveau riche Roger jealous, but he shrugs her off. He just bought all the latest anti-vampire stuff to protect them from Skeeter. Connie looks in the bag and pulls out something one of you assholes better get me for my birthday.

I will provide pictures. You will be disappointed.

Anyway, Roger got an awesome camera so he could look at what Skeeter's hiding in his locker. After mostly normal shit, Roger sees a small pile of dirt at the bottom of the locker. He reasons that it's from Skeeter's homeland so he can sleep in his locker. Unbeatable logic. Doug says it's from his science experiment about dirt clods. Then the camera spots a bag of Bat Chow. This causes Doug to have a fantasy about Vicious Blood Sucking Vampire Cola. Skeeter is eating some Bat Chow.

And he needs something to drink, of course!

It makes perfect sense.

After band practice was cancelled, Doug runs back to Roger and Connie because he FINALLY realized the most obvious evidence against the argument that Skeeter is a vampire; vampires have to sleep all day. When he tells them, Roger dismisses that as a bullshit made up by vampires to fool everyone. Connie tells him to get on the bus; the whole school can't be wrong. This is how conspiracy theories work. It's fantastic, and I'm glad Doug isn't so gung ho about it. He may be a delusional ball of anxiety, but he won't hear your shit about chemtrails. At least...not at first.

At lunch, the entire cafeteria falls silent when Skeeter enters.

He says hello and does his trademark honk. Everyone flees.

At home, Doug is reading about vampires and finally accepts that his best friend is a vampire. He wonders if this means he can't be friends with him anymore. He has a fantasy where everyone in town runs away at the sight of them riding their bikes. It actually seems kind of nice. After the fantasy, the doorbell rings and Doug answers it to find a mob.

Roger informs him that they took a vote. From now on, everybody stays clear of Skeeter. Pretty awesome that they took a vote without Doug, right? How nice of them. Doug asks them why. "What did Skeeter ever do to anybody?" Roger shows him what Skeeter did! Skeeter sent everybody invitations to a Halloween party! What a bastard! Only a vampire would do such an evil thing as that! While the crowd is explaining to Doug the absurd, the phone rings and Theda tells Doug it's Skeeter. Roger tells him if he talks to Skeeter, nobody can talk to him as a matter of public safety. After too little thought, Doug says, "tell him I just stepped out," and leaves with the idiot crowd.

To counter the evil Bat Master Skeeter, Roger has an anti-vampire party at the same time. Everyone goes to Roger's party. Doug has dressed as an especially scary jar of paste.

Roger goes around his party handing out garlic, as wearable hoops or as snacks. This party sucks, but it's delicious. Meanwhile at Skeeters, Mr. Valentine is not so delicate about asking Skeeter where his friends are.

Back at Roger's party, Doug imagines what his life would be like if he never sees Skeeter again. First, playing that Frankenstein's monster vs. mummy video game will be boring. Because it was much more exciting in that dream where Skeeter watched him play and then fetched him some water. Second, he'd have to play ping pong alone. That means hitting the ball across the table, then walking over there to collect the ball and hit it across the table again.

I don't know why he just doesn't play. It's not like kids are obligated to play certain things whether they have the required number of participants or not. Also, Doug has other friends. He'd just start hanging out with Chalky, Patti, Roger, Beebe, Connie, Al and Moo, Fentruck, or Skunky more. Oh, another thing Doug will just do alone instead of not doing? Photo-booths.

This is just sad.

After the fantasy, Doug says he can't dump his best friend. Connie asks if his best friend is worth dying for. Doug points out that her rumor about talking gerbils in the science lab was false. Maybe she's wrong about Skeeter too. She says there's too much proof. Everyone agrees.

Love three-headed Charlie Brown. Top notch costume.

Patti, who never really fell for the rumor to begin with, finally joins Doug's side and argues in favor of Skeeter. Doug decides to leave and just ask Skeeter about the whole vampire thing. He asks if anyone is with him, but leaves alone. Roger takes the opportunity to whip up the crowd to stop Doug. They start chasing after Doug and Patti starts chasing after them.

Doug rushes down into Skeeter's room to find a very lonely, depressed Skeeter. Skeeter gets excited, and Doug tells him everyone thinks he's a vampire. He doesn't get to reply before the mob rushes down to his room and finds him dressed as a vampire. Roger tells everyone to make crosses with their index fingers and chant "melt." When Skeeter doesn't melt, Roger says someone must not be doing the thing. Crowds are dumb. Without saying a word, Skeeter walks over to the wall and flips a switch that makes fake bats fall from the ceiling. He is brilliant. Roger is terrified. Patti finally catches up and says, "you're not a real vampire are you, Skeeter?" Skeeter laughs at them and asks if his costume is that good. Connie says it's because of her big mouth. She started a stupid rumor. Skunky asks why he was up in the tower with the bats. Skeeter says, "Mr. Crushy's afraid of them. So for a science project, I found the bats a new home."

I like that he says it's for a science project. That's not a science project. That's just being a nice person. Skeeter dealt with a pest problem without killing the pests, and he did it to help someone he doesn't really know. Fuck you assholes. All of you can eat shit and die.

Doug's crazy in this episode, sure, but it's really more about mob mentality. Crowds easily believe and do some crazy shit. It makes sense that Doug is so resistant to the crowd, but not surprising when he joins them, however briefly. Doug's crazy on his own. When the crowd starts acting crazy, being rational is the new crazy. But then Doug is still a kid in the awkward ages, striving to fit in. So yeah, he'll try to shun his best friend to maintain the rest of his friendships.